Where have I been..

I’ve put off writing this for a long time and I ask that you don’t share it.. I normally make my diary entries public but this one will be private and when I write again it will from now on..

I’ve talked about the extreme and intense highs and lows of being ‘plastic’ and I think it takes a certain type of person to do the things we do, that people call us crazy, to push our bodies, to try and not care what people think, but the huge flip side of that is it’s quite a mental strain dealing with it all.. I guess you do have to be a bit crazy to think so far out of the box and follow through with what you want to do with your body, but it means a lot of he time not knowing if guys like you for you or are just using you, to family members making fun of you, to outright hostility and the dynamics of friendship change too.. I’ve lost friends I really cared about and still miss now  because they didn’t want me around their husbands or boyfriends, and it hurts, it hurts so much.. 

So whilst my friends have settled down and are leading ‘normal’ lives my path is full of twists and turns and I craved to be with someone who cared for me too.. 

I know it’s natural to look at a person and think they must be a certain way because of how they look, but underneath all the gloss and enhancements I’m the same self conscious girl who is shy until I get to know someone..  

I’m hoping this doesn’t come across as strange or self indulgent.. I’m just trying to get my thoughts across as best as I can.. 

Anyways, some of you will already know I’ve had issues with some of my family.. I kept quite private to try and keep it to a minimum but a few weeks back my brother attacked me.. He had come across my social media and declared I was a whore.. Coming from a Muslim background (but I’m non practising) I was always aware that that might happen.. I mean I come from a culture where a man can do what he likes but a woman is expected to cover up and ‘behave.’ My mum saw it all unfold and kept quiet.. 

So where do I go from here? 

I’ll move ahead and my dream was to be a mum this year.. I know people might find it boring but I’d like to show more of my life at home and the clinic.. I won’t risk my mental or physical health continuing down the path I was, I don’t want to be the next Lolo Ferrari.. I was supposed to be learning scar camouflage and thought to myself I can take care of that huge scar down the middle of my cleavage too  but covid put the brakes on that.. Hopefully when that finally happens that will help my confidence too.. 

I hope you are all coping okay during lockdown.. It feels like so much is amplified being sat at home and unable to distract with other things.. I’m going to bury my head in some books (my autocorrect tried to write ’boobs’ by the way lol) but I have my dogs to keep me busy too.. Please everyone take care ❤️ Some of the messages I get from you are what helps me keep going xxx 

And finally sorry for the ramble.. there is some good news mixed up in all this..