Sourcebook: Pandamonium
Added 2020-03-24 05:12:24 +0000 UTCHave at thee.
Comments
You are likely right. I'd still be tempted to turn it into two sentences. :)
Karl Maurer
2020-03-24 18:22:25 +0000 UTCAnd that's it from me. Looking good :)
MountainGoat
2020-03-24 15:39:02 +0000 UTC"The more she knows about the victim's anatomy, the faster she can heal them." <-- missing comma and "them" on the end there.
MountainGoat
2020-03-24 15:38:15 +0000 UTCThose last couple of sentences under "origin" have a lot of 'would'. I think it would read a little better if the last sentence was: "Thankfully, her powers kicked in for the first time, saving her life."
MountainGoat
2020-03-24 15:36:01 +0000 UTC"swordmanship" is typo'd, should be "swordsmanship"
MountainGoat
2020-03-24 15:32:49 +0000 UTC'were' should probably be 'was'. It's a tricky one, but a "family of three" is a singular thing and not a plural thing. A family is a singular unit, linguistically. I would try ... "It was during one of these trips that the family of three was attacked and Pandora was almost taken that convinced her father to train her in the arts of self defense."
MountainGoat
2020-03-24 15:31:53 +0000 UTCGreat Job! Can't wait to see more,
Shawn Savage
2020-03-24 12:41:49 +0000 UTCWhile I could quibble about some additional punctuation, such as "...FAMILY OF THREE WERE ATTACKED AND PANDORA WAS ALMOST TAKEN. THIS CONVINCED..." Or some other such rearrangement. It's not vital, though, as that part reads okay as it is with out the period and with THAT rather than this. It also could be 'THIS EVENT CONVINCED...'
Karl Maurer
2020-03-24 06:36:28 +0000 UTC"..A FALL WOULD PROVED NEARLY FATAL," That should be PROVE.
Karl Maurer
2020-03-24 06:32:57 +0000 UTC
