Extinctioners Sourcebook: Micro
Added 2020-03-17 15:05:25 +0000 UTCHave at it
Comments
I would also put a comma in there: Now, separated from their... But that's just me. The comma feels right because if you take the part of the sentence out that starts after that first suggested comma and the next one, the sentence still reads right.
Karl Maurer
2020-03-17 19:10:32 +0000 UTCDone!
MountainGoat
2020-03-17 15:53:43 +0000 UTC"Psybernetics" ... usually "Cybornetics" which is what you have used elsewhere in the writeups, but maybe you chose this spelling because it gives him some sort of psychic ability.
MountainGoat
2020-03-17 15:53:20 +0000 UTC"to shrink the size" should be "to shrink to the size"
MountainGoat
2020-03-17 15:51:46 +0000 UTC"This ability is triggered ... his growth hormone gland, the pituitary gland, ..." That's a lot of 'gland' in a short space. You might try: "This ability is triggered by a willful activation of his pituitary gland, which produces growth hormone, and regulated with the aid of cybernetic implants." You also typo'd implants as implates so you should fix that even if you don't otherwise agree with my suggestion :)
MountainGoat
2020-03-17 15:51:02 +0000 UTC"All was going as planned until their error in judgement to hide in different shipping pallets ...." Try: "All was going as planned until an error in judgement had them hiding in different shipping pallets...." I think 'error in judgement' is kind of an awkard phrasing to try and use in this sentence; I would consider re-writing it something like: "All was going according to plan, except their decision to hide in different shipping pallets resulted in Micro...." (the rest is the same)
MountainGoat
2020-03-17 15:47:04 +0000 UTC"Now separated from their surragate" --> surrogate
MountainGoat
2020-03-17 15:42:54 +0000 UTC"It was during one of their mission training sessions, lead by Micro, tragedy struck" should be "when tragedy struck"
MountainGoat
2020-03-17 15:41:06 +0000 UTC"Micro, while being the youngest .... due to his cybernetic implants making him" I think its more gramatically correct to phrase like this: "due to his cybernetic implants which make him"
MountainGoat
2020-03-17 15:40:20 +0000 UTC
