something surprising. day eighteen.

I have so many weird fantasies I dedicate to my future love. Us running together on the beach in winter. the absolute absurdity of finding each other among all the chaos of life.

Today’s offering is an audio fantasy— and it's a whole lot vulnerable.

In it, you come through the door dressed as Santa.
I don’t question it. I just melt.

I sit on your lap, wrapped up in warmth and safety, and I give you a present of my own. It’s soft and affectionate and full of longing. The kind of moment that feels less like a performance and more like a wish whispered into the dark.

What makes this one special to me is that it came entirely from my imagination.
I made this alone in my room, dreaming—honestly dreaming—of one day having a lover who wants to surprise me. Someone who wants to make me smile. Someone who sees the lonely little felka and still chooses her... I mean, me 😅

This audio is about letting myself believe that tenderness like this is allowed.

If you listen, I hope you feel cozy.
I hope you feel wanted.
And maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel like you’re exactly where you’re meant to be this Christmas—with me. 🎁✨

Thank you for being here and celebrating this season my way.
— felka 🧡

p.s. today I'm thinking a lot about how merch never was under my control. If I ever were to start merch up again, I would want to print and ship everything myself. SO much of the process was out of my control, and therefore mistakes were made. I have a lot of shame and regret, I hold myself to a high standard, what can I say? I'm kind of a perfectionist! :) I think making my own candles would be the only way I would actually want to show up with my name on a candle. You deserve nothing less than perfect. Some things I'm thinking about are how fun it would be... to be there with you in the room, a flicker, a flame, while we relaxed together. At different times, as you hear my voice pre-recorded, but time is an illusion. I really believe that I am there with you when you listen to the audios. Maybe I'm weird, haha.

It's got me thinking that "print on demand" is a terrible way to do art. Some things I'm thinking of is doing only 10 prints of a certain design, and never releasing it again! NOW THAT would be fun for me. I'm still making designs, drawings, releases of stuff I hope to put out one day. This world we've created together is so much bigger than you get to see... and I kind of like it like that >:)