im getting help

this is a difficult topic for me to talk about

but as some of you may know, i wasnt planning on coming back last night.

taking it from the start, ive lost so many people around me, close ones.

first my cat back in 2011, he was my world, i was incredible happy to have him, his name was Rampus, and he acted more like a dog than a cat for some reason, always meeting me after i got back from school, feeling alone, my cat made me feel like i was wanted.

i did homework while he was watching, we slept together, ran around the house while he chased me.

all this to be taken away after grandmother and mom said they found my cat after being gone for a few days, he had been ran over by a car and was laying in the ditch for who knows how long.

my world was crashing ontop of me literally.

i fell into severe depression, in 2011, dropping out of school, laying in bed all day for a week, not wanting to get up at all, just waiting to die as well, i didnt eat for a whole week, 7 days no food.

i was hoping to pass from starvation, my stomach started to literally hurt so much it felt like something was digging in there with pitch forks, it was one of the most painful things i had experienced,

until mom mentioned she had cooked one of my favorite dishes, i couldnt go without food any longer, i wanted to eat so badly.

mom saved me that day.

3 years later, my sister knocked on my bedroom door, i was talking with new friends i had met online, gaming and having fun.

this stopped abruptly after my sister told me our dad had passed away, i literally thought she was joking but when she started breaking down, i understood the severity of this situation, i had already made plans to call him on fathers day just to tell him i miss him and hoping he's doing okay, i hadnt talked to him for 5 years after my family and i, except my dad, moved back to my home town, separating us which i never thought would become "forever".

i just didnt want to live in the other city, where i got physically bullied in school, had no friends, felt so lost and awkard with my childhood friends asking me to come back to my hometown, which happened half a year after moving.

my family tried to do what was best and i was so ungrateful for it, i still blame myself today for separating my family because of my own issues, which lead to my dad falling into depression and ending his own life to alcohol with medication overdose, least thats what we think happened, no autopsy was performed, but he had a record of trying to end it before the same way where he literally had to get his stomach pumped to save his life.

if only i got another chance to see my dad, i would do anything to try help him.

2 years later, the guy, the man, i used to bond so well with in my childhood, going fishing, helping him stack wood and who taught me to use a snow plower at young age.

my only step-grandpa which i just called grandpa, had passed away, i knew his time was arriving so it was understandable, he was old, even older even in his 60-70s because of heavy smoking every single day.

i still miss him, dad and my cat, and i will continue to miss them for the rest of my life, and thats what hurts the most.

few years later, my childhood friend, my last local friend, moved to america permanently, i just wanted them to be happy, living their life, even tho it was losing my only physical interraction i would have left with a friend, it hurt but knowing they'll have it better, made me happy.

this was the time i fell into deep isolation depression, no one but my family to interract with,

every single day i put on a fake smile for my online friends, online community and my family, i didnt want people to question my depression as i tried everything in my power to distract myself from it.

2022, we had to put our oldest cat named Leo, down due to financials, it was either a 8-9k usd surgery for a what, like 10% chance he would live and get better or just pass away on the operation table, and that is money me and my family don't have at all.

so we all had to make the hardest choice in our lives to put our beloved Leo down, he was in my arms when the vet injected him, knowing i would be the last human ever to hold him alive was incredible difficult thing to experience.

2 years later, current year of 2024.

my grandma called me 1st of january, mentioning she's currently in hospital, because she had fell outside of her house by the road, she mentioned she had been laying on the snowy cold ground for a while, whilst cars just passed by, not stopping to help her up.

not until her neighbor noticed her on the ground, she had broken one of her bones, hence she couldnt get up on her own.

during the phone call, i was also going through my first covid.

my granny told me she would love to have me visit after she got out of hospital and i after i got better from covid, so we can eat our favorite dish again together because it had been a while.

she would always talk about how she's hungry for the dish known for being lightly salted cod with bacon, potatos, lingonberry.

i was looking forward to it.

we hung up after i told her i love her which she returned to me.

this would be the last ever phone call we had.

few days after surgery, she was told she could go home.

less than 24 hours after she got home, she got incredible sick, blood poisoning sick.

she was rushed back to the hospital for the last time, where she then passed away hours after.

all this due to one small piece of ice she stepped on, life truly is unforgiving sometimes.

everyone i loved was being torn away from me.

i only have my mom and my two sisters and nephew left, im getting older, the rest of my family is getting older, and besides my family, what else do i have to live for?
i dont have any pets, or my own family, or friend or girlfriend, anything to live for.

theres a difference between my family i grew up from, and my own family i would grow old with.

but since i have none of that, at 30 years old and feeling incredible alone.

this is where i decided i needed to end it due to getting fully exhausted.

all this above, was just the top of the ice berg of what ive gone through.

now to my current situation.

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i left my apartment past 12 am last night, i took my electric kick scooter to where i was gonna end it, but something made me steer in the other direction towards the graveyard, i was not hesitating, as i didnt even think much of it.

after i arrived the graveyard, i went directly to my dads grave, sat ontop and just cried, asking for help, i was so lost.

during this one hour of constant, overwhelming waves of severe panic attacks, just unable to move, i saw weird faint glows moving around in the graveyard, for some reason i felt more safe than afraid, and i dont believe in ghosts, i still dont.

after an hour i finally called ems, once the ems arrived, we talked a little then transported me to the ambulance and took me to the emergency room, where i got to talk with a doctor for a while.

we set up plans where i will be getting an appointment with my doctor on monday to further talk about my issues.

i still feel like i need to die, but least i dont have crippling panic attacks like last night, it was incredible severe.

i never cried directly to other people, but the ems and doctor got to see that side of me unfortunately.

im sorry i worried so many of you, i just couldnt control myself.

-Leto