Good morning )) (selfies,diary)

I wish i could understand the Kazakh language.  https://youtu.be/E3e-NcD53rw

Diary. Refinements and detailing. Of course, I only test my nervous system and physical sensations. I take a phrase or belief and watch my nervous system react. If there is a spasm, then this belief is a lie. If the nervous system relaxes, then it is true. This is how I find my keys to my neuroses. ... Yesterday I was able to feel that my nervous system is reacting with a spasm to the phrase "I want." I remember reading a book on psychology where it was said that the human mental "I" is able to exist because it is a system completely separate from everything else and is capable of introspection. ....Suddenly I saw that every time I want something from outside me, at the same moment a deep nervous spasm occurs in the area of the right kidney. Apparently, "I want to receive from outside" leads to the loss of the original natural mental separation of "I". This algorithm makes me addicted, my self loses mental freedom. My I ceases to be an integral independent free system and the body, as a material reflection of the soul, immediately reproduces the quality of an incomplete system in the form of a spasm. And the universe quickly recycles all non-integral systems. This means that I can communicate with the outside world and external systems, I can enjoy anything, have pleasure, accept help, care, love, I can express myself, express my nature, do whatever I want, but I cannot desire anything external ... I need to preserve the natural freedom of my "I". ... When from childhood all social institutions tell you that you live for achievements (good grades, someone else's approval, a good job, status, good friends, finding a loved one, a good salary, money, delicious food, a good rest, a good apartment, etc.), then you agree with it and begin to want it. I want .... a lot of things, because I was taught that my psychological strength and support and happiness lies in external things. This is terrible. This is a complete loss of the original natural freedom of the "I". Achievements are a completely infernal mortal algorithm. If you believe that you need to achieve something, then you recognize that you were created by the universe as an incomplete being. You acknowledge that the universe initially humiliated you and doomed you to eternal hunger and eternal search for external support and strength. This is a terrible lie. Happiness and strength and home are inside, this is not something outside. If my parents told me in childhood, "Forget about all the achievements, just do what you like, what brings you health and joy," I would be much happier. But only I am responsible for my karma))) and we all get the parents we deserve. )) Oh, it seems Buddha was right when he said that "Nirvana is the disappearance of desires." Apparently, by desires, he meant thirst and dependence on external things.