The Doctor Examines You Thoroughly [Slow to Rough] [Check-up]

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Script: Coldtofu

Summary: It’s time for your medical check-up, and I’m looking for the source of your stress…

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(art by wakamatsu372)
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En's Weekly Thoughts:

I had this completely random recollection last night, and I wanted to share it to hopefully maybe keep you uplifted in these very trying times.

High school was when my depression manifested. It was intense in a way where I just felt completely numb to everything -- I felt like I was just observing my own body going about my day and didn't feel like I was actively living my life. This meant that I somehow managed to get by with my schoolwork and keeping up my grades, but other students didn't really want to be around me because (understandably) I looked very disheveled and angry all the time. I barely ever spoke.

Whenever I think of my high school years, I think every so often about this one classmate that I had who sat next to me in a history class. I genuinely forget her name -- Mikayla or something -- but, simply put, she was very outgoing and friendly. The complete opposite of whatever the hell I was. As a way of simplifying this explanation, I would say that she was very much like a very popular and preppy student, while I was the loner nerd who ate lunch by himself and never combed his hair.

Even so, she was always so nice to me. And it wasn't in like an overly-flattering or condescending way. Looking back, she seemingly made so many efforts to make sure that I knew that she was there, almost as a way of checking in on me, even though we weren't even friends or hung out at all. I would have these instances where I would have the answer for something written down on my paper in front me, and she would look over and realize that I could have raised my hand to get extra points for knowing the answer. And every time this happened she would tap my shoulder and be like "You should have answered!" with a big smile on her face. I was always very socially avoidant so I would just awkwardly smile back and look down at my desk again. Even with all of my bitterness and self-hatred at the time, I looked forward to that one class because I was around another student who didn't treat me like a weirdo or make me feel out of place in any way because I was too depressed to comprehend why I was feeling the way I did.

I don't know what brought me to mind of all of this until yesterday but it probably has to do with me feeling like I haven't been as appreciative of the people around me as I should have lately. There are so many people around me who want what's best for me (as I'm sure is the case for you, even if you don't realize it), and I'm too busy wallowing in self-pity to see. Well, maybe "self-pity" isn't the right word -- I'm really more just talking about the instances of people clearly wanting to check in on me, and me not taking them up on the offer of letting them in because I'm scared.

With that said, I hope you can take some time today for yourself to look back on all of the people who, in whatever small way they were able to, reached out to you and wanted to check in. Never undervalue the importance of a friend who does just that.

As always, catch me on Twitch being goofy and annoying 'cause that's where most of my attention (outside of my 9-5 job) goes.
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