ENSMR

F*cking in the Summer Heat... [Taboo] [Male Whimpering]

Added 2024-07-24 17:54:12 +0000 UTC

I just posted this audio to the Discord. Be sure to join!

Script: Coldtofu
Sequel to "I'm Your Baby Boy..."

Summary: I can’t take my eyes off you licking a popsicle, and things start to heat up...

(art by @wakamatsu372)
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En's Weekly Thoughts:

Did you become more online during the pandemic? I've always been someone who was very much a nerd who spent too much time in online communities even before then, but I tend to think that the tenor of how we all interact with online communities changed ever since early 2020 when we were all in lockdown. For a lot of us our day-to-day social bearings just became more rooted on being online, and for some reason that's an idea I have trouble grappling with, although it may just be me being nostalgic for those days when I was a lot less busy.

I've been thinking a lot about how it was pure chance for me to become a content creator. I was basically just lonely and stuck in my room all day in the early months of lockdown and thought I'd give it a shot, if only to pass the time. Before I even started streaming in November of 2020, I didn't even like talking into a microphone because I hated the sound of my own voice. What's more is that I obviously had no ambitions of even gaining an audience with streaming at all. It very much feels like a huge blur to me to realize that a year later I'd hit partner status on Twitch, and I'm really not saying that to brag or anything because there were a lot of unhealthy habits packed into me just grinding away with making content during that time. I had essentially nothing else to live for in those days.

I hope that doesn't sound depressive or anything. I've been in a "counting my blessings" kind of mood lately because of some stuff I'm dealing with at my day job (and hopefully not getting fired in a few weeks). A very good thing (me streaming and making friends and meeting someone I love) came from a very bad moment in my life (being stuck at home and realizing what few connections I had with other people as well as hating my job) where I realized I wasn't really living for anything other than the momentary excitement of getting recognized online. And all of that's helped me to realize that that's not a sustainable way to live, just chasing that momentary excitement.

My main unhealthy habit with all of what happens to me nowadays (at least internally) is getting into this incredibly arrogant mindset where I feel like I don't deserve bad things happening to me because of everything I've accomplished over the last few years, as if those two things have anything to do with each other. It's probably what leads me down my depressive moods, realizing those two things don't offset each other and I still need to put in the work when it comes to taking care of myself. For instance, all this stuff at work with me probably losing my job is my fault, but I keep internalizing it as me not deserving any of it if only because I'm such a well-liked person with my online persona. And that's nonsensical.

I worry for a lot of my friends because I sometimes feel like they also get into this mindset without them realizing it. And I sometimes just want to shake them and help them realize that all of this silly stuff we do on the Internet is not real. I'm not saying you can't build real connections with people and gain new insights into things that'll have a lasting effect on your life when you're on the Internet. But it's not real in the sense that it's easy to tell a narrative to yourself in your own mind about how the world is against you when the only time you talk to people is through the context of online creator-to-online creator. You need to actually talk and listen to people sometimes to internalize your own wants and needs.

I hope that doesn't sound too preachy or vague. This is getting a little long so I'll cut it short here -- I have to get back to work anyway. I hope you're all well. And I luv y'all.

As always, catch me on Twitch being goofy 'cause that's where most of my attention (outside of my 9-5 job) goes.
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Special Thanks

Overlords: Elvellia | Riosjude