Thank you for support during November - continuing hiatus

Hi everyone, thank you all for your support last month, despite me being away. I was hoping to be back in the swing, even just a bit, but not sure that’s feasible. I have barely worked on art, unfortunately.

I’m honestly pretty ashamed of my state, but I’m not sure what to do with my current resources and abilities. My doctor doesn’t seem to understand that medications are not working, and I’ve been trying different habits, foods, sleep schedules, related within my power. I’ll have to wait until next year to afford seeing doctors (I owe the psychiatrist I know here like $500 since I’ve been paying out of pocket with no insurance, so I can’t handle any more bills unless I have no choice).

I have older art of WIPs/sketches to share and maybe some process videos. There’s one commission I’m trying to get done by Christmas. Might be a few other things, even if unpolished. But I’m not sure what else to offer this month; I’ll do my best, but if December won’t amount to much I’ll plan to refund and I’ll likely put a pause on pledges for January onward.

To be briefly rambly,

I’ll keep trying, but I’m pretty burnt out and discouraged. Not that the art itself is, or the support from others—I’m very blessed and thankful. But I feel too sick to make any progress. I’m getting tired of battling with myself. I’m wasting my potential and disappointing others. I feel very stuck between “I’m choosing to self sabotage and not try hard enough to get over this funk” and “things feel seriously off and out of my control”. Maybe it’s mixed. I thought I had solved that indecisiveness, but after everything that’s happened this year I’m questioning it all over again. Fairly—it’s not all me, but thinking how many issues I’ve caused for others these past couple years is heavy.

I can’t seem to get myself to socialize anymore, I struggle to eat, can’t sleep, barely use my phone/am online. It all feels empty, despite genuinely trying comforts or going out of my comfort zone (reading, art, gaming, writing, going outside…everything). I’ve struggled with chronic illness and mental battles since a pre-teen, especially with being somewhat treatment resistant—sometimes this comes and goes. Or I’m simply limited in my abilities and skills. It’s obvious signs of depression, trauma, and some other health issues I have. But never been like this for so long and so severe, or seemed unresponsive to medication to such a degree, especially without pause.

Anyway—sorry. I’m just at a loss. I don’t think it’s truly severe, damaging, or life threatening. Seasonal depression on top of already treatment resistant depression…I’m likely exaggerating since I pretty hopeless and rockbottom. Everything gets distorted. So I need to be glad for all the good. Keep it all in perspective and not be lost in envy or selfishness. I was wanting my art to pull me together and keep me driven, but I’m struggling with it like never before, maybe even worse than when I quit for a few years back in 2018. But I’d rather not let that happen.

I’ll try to keep everyone updated. At least share art and some processes to make up for November. I was proud of being better about it all since June but…5 months is kind of pitiful to now suddenly lose it. And as said, if I can’t show much by the end of the year, I’ll pause my Patreon and reevaluate it again.

Hope to have a few more posts. And wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season. No matter what happens, thank you again for all the support and help. It’s truly more than I deserve and I’m grateful and forever in y’all’s debt, for what little that may mean.

- Susannah