Update / / / short rest

Hello patron supporters and followers,

It'll likely be quiet for a couple more weeks. Here and other socials. October blurred by and I apologize for not posting earlier--a lot was going on and my health has been flaring. Been in bed a lot. I think it's a mix of the colder weather, stress, and I'm just exhausted and not making much progress.

I still have a lot of personal art projects, a commission to finish, want to do those inktober patron gifts, and more. But I'm a bit at a loss right now how to better manage myself and life. I've had to turn down commissions--despite being really thankful for the outreach (I haven't even publicly announced commissions outside from Patreon!), I can't seem to stay on top of it. It isn't artists block, I have plenty of ideas, goals, and things I want to work on.

I do have a "sketch/WIP" dump I'd like to share here soon, so hopefully that can be at least something. I'm also intending on finishing the commission this month too.

To rant briefly about life...otherwise, feel free to ignore, and I'll hopefully be around more in a couple weeks--or at worse, update again on a plan.

. . .

Open enrollment for healthcare is one factor I'm going to be working on and I hope I'll find a way to afford a plan. Finding something in Tennessee is a lot harder than Maryland I've realized; there's not as much resources. And even if this is a bit of an emotional excuse, I'm a bit discouraged since I felt like I actually made progress and had better support in Maryland, so I'm not exactly looking forward to what I've experienced before here with little results or help. I'm still without a vehicle, and a hour away in a rural area from everything doesn't help. Pay here for jobs I qualify for are awful. I can't imagine affording another college attempt. A lot of options feel nonexistent. I also just miss my cats too LMAO (Gibbs passed away in January and I don't know if/when I'll ever see Audrey).

Still. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and support from my mom as I work through a lot of things. Things could be a lot worse. It's hard to say what will happen tomorrow. And things definitely won't get better tomorrow if I keep making the same mistakes or not trying.

Patreon, commissions, and posting art online has been one of the few tethers to keep me motivated and with a goal. I get it, our economy is a wreck right now, the flawed capitalistic system is a root cause, struggling with basic medical treatment..it's not fair, but it's what I have to deal with and accept. I need something to keep me afloat. But I know I'm not doing a great job at being consistent, finishing work, or being present with followers and friends. I don't want to quit--I'm afraid if I do, it'll be a repeat of me quitting art for 2+ years, like when my dad passed away...honestly I'm scared I'd just truly give up. And that's just not viable. Even with me lowering expectations--trying to focus on just making basic bills, slowing down output, understanding my limits...and I still can't seem to strike a balance.

It's not like I don't like art--god, I love it. I'm blessed to feel like I've had a calling since a young kid, not many get that. But sometimes I just want to bitterly shut it down or spitefully fail so then I can be left alone. So why can't I make myself do it? Even with my flaws or health. I know I do this dance all the time, but if I was this sick, then wouldn't there be other options? Wouldn't others see that? It shouldn't be this hard. I don't know anymore.

But I guess these are consequences or just how things end up being. I didn't handle living in Maryland fairly or well, and despite feeling more at peace and hoping to figure things out then--I didn't work hard enough or fast enough. I just have to keep reminding myself that I lack control with much anything, and at the end of the day, even if things are unfair, I have to take responsibility and own up.

I just feel like I'm back where I was before a few years ago, but worse, and that's hard to process for me. Still, bills have to be paid, I need something to keep me grounded, something to aim to achieve. I guess I can only try, flaws and all. I just wish I had "something" to keep me hopeful. I had it, experienced it--so going back to rock bottom/the normal is hard. Really hard.

Anyway, thank you again as usual so much for your continual support--even if you had to drop for your own personal reasons, still following me, or whatever else capacity--thank you. You have made all the difference and I'm so lucky and blessed. I am truly sorry for friends and mutuals about my awful communication and simply being hard to reach out to--I just, I'm really tired and can't keep my care-giver/people-pleasing/initiative mode going these days. I'm not trying to purposely isolate myself or that I am disliking anyone...I'm just tired, feel very out of character, and can't control much until I get some of my health and life back in order.

Thanks again

Susannah