Quick Apology

Andrew, Branson, Charles, and the rest of the E1 team would like to address some troubling allegations that are circulating on social media. An investigation into the source of these allegations is ongoing, but we would be remiss if we did not address the subject, which everyone has surely seen by now.

Geopolitics is complicated. There’s a lot of money sloshing around out there, due to global finance and things of that nature. We’re not going to pretend to understand where money comes from and what it all means. But as artists who have once experienced hunger, it is simply not an option to forego opportunities to enhance our livelihoods.

On the night in question, we were approached in a parking garage by a clean cut man named Slicer Darnassus who said he represented an unnamed talent agency. We did not learn until later that this was not his real name. After a financial discussion, we decided to write a short script for them. We were led to believe this was a satirical script entitled How To Train CIA Soldiers To Destabilize Foreign Governments. You can imagine our horror when we found out that our slapstick torture methods were actually utilized by the CIA for operations in the Phillipines, Sri Lanka, and Myanmar. We were even shown a picture of a dead man crushed inside of a Murphy Toilet. There wasn’t anything funny about it.

We would like to have a moment of silence for those who lost their lives because of our actions.

OK. At this time we cannot say that we will not work with the CIA in the future. Due to unforeseen financial circumstances, the initial 51 billion dollar investment by USAID has been spent. In the interest of transparency, we can report that we lost a lot of money on Polymarket betting on the New York City Mayoral election. Yep, we really thought Eric Adams was going to win.

T-t-t-that’s all folks! Fuck you!

PS: Branson would like to announce that he has laid an egg.