Last Christmas

A year ago, I missed the snowy grounds I once stomped on. Today I miss the triumph family creates when brought together on a joyous day. A haven to be with on a day meant for gathering. Last year, the cold decided to bite itself into me and nip at my fingers and toes. Nothing around me not even a friend to lean on except for a thousand strangers who said they could bring me into their homes.

Inviting—nonetheless—but hope can not be derived from a stranger. A friend though—indeed.

The strong thoughts of my safe people, far away and out of reach, weigh heavily on me as if their absence destroys me. Anybody with the title of friend should be an opportunity to lean on though, right? Not exactly wrong nor right, but a year ago defined most relations for me. After a nasty breakup in a land about a thousand miles away, there was a determination to do it all on my own in said place. Away from everyone with no support system nearby. No safe person nearby.

What is a safe person? For autistics, a safe person is someone with whom they can fully 'unmask'—to drop the emotional and social facades we wear to protect ourselves from the world and simply be comfortable in our skin. Even if I had accepted the invitation to not be alone, I most likely would feel uncomfortable due to the unsureness to be myself. A total breakdown was in the working. A breakdown of emotions was imminent, but there was no one to catch me. Emotions are already so overwhelming. I just wanted the phone calls to be continuous, to keep the day going as if the triumph of a gathering was involved. That is enough. That is what I wish for, for Christmas.

A safe person.

Today, in the land a thousand miles away I coexist alongside another. We met and I threw my personality out, to test the waters and seek out a person I can be comfortable with. They throw their’s out too. How endearing. It is bliss, and I am grateful beyond words. In this moment, I’ve realized that finding a safe person—someone who lets you be unapologetically yourself—is the greatest gift of all.