Blocked
Added 2020-02-13 15:00:04 +0000 UTC(reading time: 6 min)
I've got one specific problem, and one general problem.
Specific problem: I'm blocked.
My next project is a tool + tutorial to genderbend your voice (for trans/non-binary folk, plus voice actors & anyone who's curious).
The tool is complete. Has been for two weeks, actually. I'm blocked on the tutorial – how to shift your larynx, pharynx, lips & tongue, etc.
Specifically, I feel I shouldn't make a tutorial on how to change one's voice gender presentation until I myself can do that consistently. Because:
- Making sure I can do it will prove to the viewer – and myself! – that the exercises actually work.
- The tutorial will be partly video, and it'd be more compelling if you can hear me genderbend my voice.
Training takes time, but I don't know how much time. Weeks? Months? I can't move forward on this project until I can get my voice sounding naturally feminine.
🗣Here's my best attempt(s) so far! 🗣
(1st half: me reading a book blurb. 2nd half: me adding throat rumble)
Be fully honest – how "naturally femme" do the 1st/2nd voices sound, on a scale of 0% to 100%? And if you can say, what specific elements of my voice(s) still sound "off"?
・・・・・・・・・・
Can't I release the tool sans tutorial for now? Maybe, but without the tutorial it's just a spectrogram app, in which case you should use the open-source, cross-platform app Friture.
So, while I keep training my voice – which may take months – I could work on something else...
But...
General problem: I don't want to continue this work routine anymore.
I hope I'm not complaining about my Zeroth World Problems. I'm eternally grateful that, thanks to your support, my survival needs are 100% met, with buffer to spare. Truly, thank you. 💖 And because of that, I now get to think of the "more human" stuff – my social needs and growth needs.
Social needs: I value my creative autonomy, but working alone for 8 hours each day is... not healthy. And though I may "contribute to humanity" in the abstract long-run, in my concrete day-to-day, I don't contribute to humans I personally know & love.
Growth needs: I got into making "explorable explanations" because it was a new challenge for me. It's been 6 years. It's no longer a new challenge for me.
Two fears:
🐺 Fear 1)
If I stopped making explorables, it would disappoint fans, and I'd be less connected to the explorables community. Besides, explaining stuff with simulations is my "competitive advantage".
But:
Maybe my "competitive advantage" was never that, it's my ability to jump between & combine different things. Perhaps some of my fans will stick around, and I'll still allowed in my old communities for... nostalgia's sake?
🐺 Fear 2)
"Waaah my job's not fulfilling" is privileged Top 1% whining, I should suck it up and maximize global utility – make the world the better place, even if it makes my world a slightly worse place.
But:
a) I can't do anything to help "the world" if I destroy my own mental health.
b) The most world-changing discoveries (genetics, germ theory, probability) came from people playing around with what was interesting for them (pea plants, boiled broth, dice games), not for an abstract "the world".
c) Maybe "make the world a better place" is a Barbie-fied moral code, an impossible ideal as unhealthy to pursue as a Prince Charming or happily ever after. Abstraction is good in small doses, but "the world" may be too abstract – as Jane Goodall writes, “thinking global may be a delusory process, a kind of cognitive intoxication”. So maybe it's time I accept the message from my own simulations: a decentralized group of agents, thinking & acting locally (without unduly harming others) is the only robust, scaleable way to "make the world a better place".
But...
Maybe these rationalizations are the sound of my moral compass finally cracking. Because, to be honest, I no longer care about "making the world a better place". At this point in my life, I just want to spend quality time with people I love, exploring new challenges, together.
I just don't see how being a JavaScript hermit accomplishes that.
・・・・・・・・・・
Okay, possible solutions (not mutually exclusive):
1) Take a vacation / sabbatical, and pause my Patreon during it.
I haven't taken a real vacation in 1½ years. Maybe I just need to step back, and experiment with ways to meet my other human needs, such as...
2) Social needs: Regular lunch & co-working / co-learning with friends.
To make sure my day-to-day actions are valuable to specific people I care about, not just an abstract "humanity", in a long-run that's impossible / arrogant to predict anyway.
3) Growth needs: Do some opposites.
My past 6 years: making a) digital b) non-fiction c) explainers d) about math/science e) for the internet.
Some opposites to challenge myself:
a) analog – draw comics by hand? learn to sew, cook, play the keyboard?
b) fiction – write sci-fi? animate a short film? start a NSFW furry art Patreon for hella $$$?
c) non-explainers – do science rather than "just" explain it?
d) non-math/science – teach arts? motor skills? self-help-y stuff?
e) in-person – teach a course? give a workshop?
I've already explored some of these opposites – Adventures With Anxiety was fiction, and Voice Gender Trainer 5000 will train a motor skill over one's vocal tract. But maybe I should dedicate a few months to really exploring outside my 6-year-old comfort zone.
・・・・・・・・・・
Last week, I jogged 20 minutes through a snowstorm to deliver poutine to a sick friend. It was the most stereotypically Canadian thing I've done so far in 2020... and one of the most fulfilling.
That's because it was challenging exercise [Growth needs] and valuable to a specific person I care about [Social needs]. This, in contrast to my current day-to-day routine of: "work alone every day, on stuff that isn't challenging to me anymore, and is valuable but in an abstract time-lagged way".
I want to change that.
This post is not announcing anything concrete. I haven't planned a vacation, sabbatical, or even any side projects. I wrote this post to get my thoughts out of my head, and get your thoughts:
What do YOU think about all this? If you've had your job frustrate your social / growth needs, what did you do to resolve that?
Please leave a comment in the Patreon replies! (Along with how "naturally femme" you felt my two voice tests were, rating each on a scale of 0% to 100%) Your honest feedback on both questions is 100% appreciated, and so is your kind, generous support!
As always, thank you~ 💖
~ Nicky Case
P.S: It was really good poutine
Comments
Definitely take a full-paid vacation. Much deserved. Most people with your skills get paid way more than you. Focus on what you want, not what you think you "should do." My #1 suggestion for growth in the work department: teamwork. You have great ideas and follow through, but one person can only produce so much. Working with people is an immense challenge, but the personal growth and increase in production volume is also huge. It is especially difficult to lead a team, but the amount you learn by doing so cannot be understated. It's intrinsically social and personal. The hard part is finding the money for a team that you could direct to work on your passion project, but I'm sure it exists somewhere.
Kayle
2020-02-19 00:18:55 +0000 UTCThe first part of the audio I would say its feminine already, though for some reason I imagine an old lady holding a cup of tea. If that's what you're going for, you're already there to me :-) The second part, I don't know how to evaluate tbh. > If you've had your job frustrate your social / growth needs, what did you do to resolve that? I confess that I usually don't do much worth sharing, because very frequently me thinking too much about this sort of thing means that I'm just bored or not receiving the right stimulus/motivation. Sometimes I try to find out why and fix that source of boredom, which frequently doesn't require big changes. To be more concrete, last time I was bored because I felt like what I was doing was going to replaced soon. So to make me feel like I was *building something* that would last, I wrote about the technical debt I was solving and how and why it's important that the solution I made was not final.
Victor Villas
2020-02-18 23:43:30 +0000 UTCI've been "blocked" two times already in my life and what helped was vacation without a set date. Each time, I was good to work again after 5 weeks, so...
PEW
2020-02-18 20:13:55 +0000 UTC1) Permutation Cityyyyy!! :D :D :D ♥ 2) Nice voice, I think! But maybe it is, paradoxically, a bit too *high*-pitched? I don't know how to explain it, I'd say the tone itself is pretty good, but the pitch makes it feel slightly... forced? Not sure if this is worth anything, I'm still strying to figure my own voice out myself :o 3) Yes, do take vacations, no real vacations in one year and a half is definitely not healthy ;-; 4) Also, take care. Whatever you do, follow what is meaningful to you, don't stay trapped in something that brings no sense of fulfillment anymore!
Voyage Goya
2020-02-18 12:42:46 +0000 UTCHey Nicky, you definitely deserve a break and time away from the every day routines may well give you the clarity you're seeking. Be kind to yourself.
katie moffat
2020-02-17 13:57:37 +0000 UTCFirst one was a little hard to tell, because the amount you seemed to be using your throat made it like "what would it be without that?" But the rumble makes that actually reasonably convincing.
DoppioKy
2020-02-17 06:34:26 +0000 UTCThanks for Stef's video! (Will watch tonight) Good luck with the loneliness, I know that feel (internet hug) And yeah it's rough especially when the *kind* of people we most want to be friends with are also the kind of people who will leave for a different city or country or something Thanks for wishing me good luck, and I wish good luck to you too!
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:28:53 +0000 UTC> Rather, I am subscribing because I trust the process Aw, thank you! I hope I do not betray your trust in my process if my next project is an augmented reality toy to turn everything into cats
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:26:39 +0000 UTCPlease feel free to take a vacation or do something opposite, hope you will find a new way to get along with yourself and the world :) Thank you! 🙏
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:25:28 +0000 UTC> Hope you take well deserved break and explore whatever your heart desires :) 😭💖
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:24:33 +0000 UTCI will!... maaaybe take a *half*-paid vacation.
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:24:11 +0000 UTCYeah I've been meaning to read more Parfit! At first I only knew him from the teleporter problem, but I didn't know about his work on ethics & eudamonia until recently. Thanks for the book recc!
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:23:43 +0000 UTC> I wish you courage, playfulness, willingness to explore, and kindness towards yourself. ✨ Beautifully said, thank you!
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:19:48 +0000 UTCHi Steve! Yeah I was wondering what was the status of the Future of Coding podcast –– I'm glad you made the hard but valuable leap, and I wish you the best on your new project! (What is it, btw?) > Don't even pause it -- take a paid vacation on us! hmmmmmm I will take a half-paid vacation, maybe
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:19:19 +0000 UTC> what if there was a tutorial, workshop, explorable or whatever, that actually helps people to build that themselves? That sounds like a super cool idea! 🤔 The *only* example I've seen of this so far is this, by Red Blob Games. Link if you're curious: https://www.redblobgames.com/making-of/line-drawing/ > share some vacations photos, it would be cool! Haha, I'll try! (It will probably be a lot of photos of food)
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:16:33 +0000 UTC> I reached out to him today and asked if he'd sync with you - he said he'd be honored. Aw, thank you for doing that! I will watch the TED Talk video tonight (am using a coffeehouse WiFi, the coffeehouse closes in, um, 12 minutes ago) and let you know if I have time/capacity to follow up further! P.S: I am still surprised how many of my supporters have VO / singing / vocal training experience?
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:14:00 +0000 UTCThank you! It's really encouraging & a relief to hear others have faced these struggles – and you give good advice! I actually dropped a couple hobbies last year, maybe I should pick them back up > the "Baby Shark" song I have gone my whole life w/o hearing the Baby Shark song Thank you for introducing me to the Baby Shark song
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:10:49 +0000 UTC> do you know how effing long the feedback loop is on most science activities? SO. EFFING. LONG I have a few scientist friends and 1) I'm glad *someone's* doing the science, and 2) I'm glad it's not me > Vacations are good for you. 💖 Thanks! I will take that vacation after all :)
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:08:31 +0000 UTCThank you! I will take that vacation after all :)
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:07:14 +0000 UTCThanks! A couple folks pinpointed the nasality as the current biggest problem, so I'll work on training that away! Then we'll see what the 2nd-biggest problem is, fix that, repeat
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:06:10 +0000 UTC> those will be people who need the least documentation afterall Hm! That's a good point I haven't thought about, re: releasing an alpha version for now. Maybe???
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:05:10 +0000 UTCI do know several trans/nb folks who have either successfully trained their voice, or want to start doing that! I'll try to get feedback on if/how the tool can be helpful even if it's lacking a tutorial right now
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:04:31 +0000 UTCThank you! You're actually the second person to *recommend* trying falsetto *and then going from the opposite direction*. Having a Rainbow Dash / Buttercup voice sounds lovely – I'll try your advice!
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 21:02:53 +0000 UTCThank you! 😭 I will take that vacation after all, and of course, continue to transparently give updates~
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:59:16 +0000 UTC> Oh btw, me and my girlfriend still talk about our respective anxieties as animals, it really helps expressing things in a less dramatic way. So thanks again for that. 💖🐺
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:58:19 +0000 UTC> It's the hardest thought pattern I've had to unlearn in therapy. Thank you for sharing! It's encouraging (and relieving) to hear others have faced this same problem > the things I care about (mostly anime, philosophy, and economics) I look eagerly forward to philosophical dissertations on the economic implications of the Beastars universe
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:57:27 +0000 UTC> We're here because we want to support your creativity, and if you burn out, that won't happen anyway. <3 Thank you! I will take that vacation after all :) Follow-up post coming soon(ish)
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:52:20 +0000 UTCThank you! I will do that vacation after all (maybe *half* of it will be "paid vacation"?)
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:51:19 +0000 UTCThanks Aimee! I will do that vacation after all. Maaaaybe paid vacation. Also yes I shall train away that nasality! 👃
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:50:22 +0000 UTCOh wow, thank you for the very precise feedback! And when you said; "you almost hear that you're pulling your lips into a smile and your tongue far forward, raising the vowels and exaggerating the sibilants " I actually threw my head back because that was eerily correct, like you were spying through my webcam or something Thank you for the video link! I'll watch it & do its exercises to train away nasality *tonight* :)
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:47:56 +0000 UTCOh wow, thank you so so much for the specific voice critique & advice! (I'm honestly surprised how many of my supporters also know a lot about voice acting / singing / vocal training?) I'll definitely work on training away my nasality – and the *low falsetto* idea is a counter-intuitive one, I haven't heard of it before but I'll give it a shot!
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:44:56 +0000 UTC(Oh whoops, didn't see this before replying to other comment) Thank you for the very specific feedback on my voice! That's good (counter-intuitive?) advice, to make my voice *less* "girly", so it feels more natural and not like someone *acting*. I also like how your first priority each day is "smart funny creative kind" – I'll think I'll experiment with doing something similar with my To-Do list! "What good shall I do this day?" ~ Benjamin Franklin
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:42:46 +0000 UTCThank you Petr! And that's encouraging to hear your story, that you've bounced around without staying "in a box" and it's working out :)
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:40:10 +0000 UTCThanks! I think I will take that va-cay :)
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:38:51 +0000 UTCThanks Pat! I think I will take that sabbatical-vacation. (sabattication?) Also I'll give Lifelong Activist a check-out, at least read an excerpt!
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:38:28 +0000 UTCThank you so much for the very specific feedback on my voice(s), it's super helpful! (Also thanks, I'll try co-working / co-learning more in the coming weeks for my Social Needs)
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:37:06 +0000 UTCThanks for the feedback on my voice! And re: tutorial, I maaaaay, for now, release the tool with links to Zheanna's & L's tutorials – get feedback on the tool before it's out "for real"!
Nicky Case
2020-02-16 20:35:54 +0000 UTCi've got many mixed feelings about all this. and writing in mobile patreon sucks. can't add new lines... so, good old copy and paste to the rescue! yes, i've been burned out by my job and my career. probably everyone over 30years old have. at least once. i'm 38. even life burned me out! at least a couple of times already. and i do feel oddly proud of you for being so upfront and transparent about it, while living the burn out. that's very tough! you don't even know me, and i hardly supported you at all, but i'll probably still share this story with people (like i share your work over and over again), while defending your position. but i also feel angry that you could come this far and still think that you need to humble out by saying that you want to take unpaid leave or taking so long to realise how important those little things are... finally i identify too much with you, then i get envy that i don't have all those friends living nearby because i live in portugal for 4 years but i come from brazil, a place i don't want to ever go back to (which is almost impossible for most people to understand) and no matter how many new friends i make, they never seem to stay, finally leading me to this loneliness which i'm obviously not completely fine with but i'm also aware how incredibly lucky i am for everything else i've got. when i grow up, i want to be a lot like you. and help everyone around me to do the same. 😘 for now i think that's all the time i have to give you some feedback. hope it was of any use.
caue rego
2020-02-16 09:28:08 +0000 UTCi hope stef sanjati can help you with the voice. as many have said, it has lots of room for improvement: https://youtu.be/q6eTvS2wIUc
caue rego
2020-02-16 09:26:56 +0000 UTC+1 for a payed vacation.
Anton Molyboha
2020-02-16 06:10:56 +0000 UTCHang in there! Hope you take well deserved break and explore whatever your heart desires :) Imo, no need to pause Patreon!
Cassandra Xia
2020-02-15 23:30:19 +0000 UTCI’ve struggled with Fear 2 a fair amount as well. I don’t have any concrete answers or ways to resolve it but I’ve gone through a similar thought process, particularly on point (c) (with the same doubts). I can’t speak for others but as for Fear 1, I’m not subscribing here for any specific output (i.e. explainables). Rather, I am subscribing because I trust the process and I am interested in seeing what stuff is produced more generally. Either way, I hope you work out an arrangement that gives you what you need, and I hope you don’t feel too beholden to internet randos like me to achieve that.
ben t
2020-02-15 14:11:51 +0000 UTCIt's so nice that you can share these thoughts with us! Many of these problems are also the problems I am facing right now, so it feels like talking with a friend. Although initially it was explorable explanations that attracted me to join the Patreon, but now it's different. Please feel free to take a vacation or do something opposite, hope you will find a new way to get along with yourself and the world :)
Qin LIN
2020-02-15 08:48:12 +0000 UTCPlease feel free to take a break and *not* pause the Patreon! You're entitled to a paid holiday like other workers, as far as I'm concerned :)
Chris Sakkas
2020-02-15 00:31:48 +0000 UTCEverything successful I have ever made, ever, was something I started out fucking around with while procrastinating on what I was "supposed" to be doing—even when the "assigned" task was something self-assigned that I also picked because I felt "lucky" to get to do it. If you feel stuck you could always just start puling on whatever you want one day a week and scale from there, but I have been rewarded by trusting that instinct to jump ship. I read a lot of ethics, including Derek Parfit's "On What Matters," in undergrad, but the only book that had ever deeply affected my thinking about ethics was "After Virtue" by Alasdair MacIntyre.
Tommy Maranges
2020-02-14 22:31:07 +0000 UTCVoices: To me both voices sound feminine, but I am not sure how to categorize them further or how to put them in a spectrum. On changing the routine: that is tough position to be in. I empathize with the challenges and fears you describe. From my experience, it is dififcult endeavour to change what "you do" because there is so many facets that link to it, that it means changing huge swaths of who you are and what you identify with, and that is difficult and scary. For what is worth, with things like Patreon you have proven what you are capable, and by belonging to communities you have proven your value there too. You seem to be doing a very good exercise of pinpointing your fears and moving ahead with that knowledge, which is the practical side of fear, to bring awareness to these dangers. The movement itself is unto the unknown, and for that I wish you courage, playfulness, willingness to explore, and kindness towards yourself. ✨
Maic López Sáenz
2020-02-14 20:49:36 +0000 UTCI find time away from projects help when you feel stuck and/or unmotivated. Trying to force yourself to commit when you're not feeling it can just lead to spending a lot of time doing nothing and feeling guilty about it, at least for me.
J. Gray Dingler
2020-02-14 17:33:01 +0000 UTCI was pleasantly surprised to hear your rambling thoughts about wanting to take a break, because they sound almost creepily similar to my own thinking recently. As you may have seen, I recently paused and then deleted my own Patreon (which was partly modeled after your own). I handed my podcast and community leadership over to one of the community members and that seems to be working really well so far. I spent the last couple of months thinking about "what's next" and it was a bit of a rollercoaster but overall it's been the right journey for me at this time. At least I say so right now. A couple weeks ago I was in a worse mental place but now I'm having-difficulty-falling-asleep excited with my new project! In summary, quiting or taking a break, especially from a dream job of your own construction, is a hard decision to make. But it'll always be there for you if you want to go back. My 2 cents: take some space and let your curiosity be your guide. Good luck! We're rooting for you! Oh yeah, that's my last point. I can't speak for all your patrons but I personally don't support you for your "output". I don't even check out all your new stuff. I support you out of a greater sense of care for someone who is living their passion and making worthwhile stuff. So definitely don't feel guilty on my behalf if you want to do other things or whatever. Don't even pause it -- take a paid vacation on us!
Steve Krouse
2020-02-14 12:23:30 +0000 UTCI honestly don't know where to start. There's so much to be said - and so much that has been said already! First: 45% and 73.2% regarding the voice clips. But it is hard to ask that for us, once we kinda know you, right? Isn't there some sort of bias that might get in the way? Second, and this kinda has been said already, maybe you could use external help, collaboration or something like that. And for many reasons: to get around your creative block and get people help you to create a tutorial; to help you build amazing stuff; to help the world keep creating explorable stuff somehow. What I've been thinking is: what if there was a tutorial, workshop, explorable or whatever, that actually helps people to build that themselves? I've always been curious if there could actually be a framework to create stuff like the Parable of Polygons or How to Build a Better Ballot. If people actually learn a thing or two from you regarding how to make these, maybe you wouldn't feel so bad in dropping the idea of making them yourself? You could even take a vacation period to create some sort of contest! Ask your peers and followers to come up with ideas or even playable explorables, and while they/we do it, you try to get your mind to rest a little bit. Either way, mental health is always important. Maybe a priority, if possible. So do what it takes to keep yourself sane – and share some vacations photos, it would be cool!
Kevin Talarico
2020-02-14 11:32:00 +0000 UTCI think you sound amazing, though a bit forced into a register that you're not relaxing into. I suspect that will come as you build the muscles and 'own' the register a bit - and be less concerned about occasionally dipping out...? One of my friends from my VO days teaches a technique that kinda blows my mind: https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_maresca_questions_one_voice_singing_and_the_pattern_that_could_change_everything I reached out to him today and asked if he'd sync with you - he said he'd be honored. Drop me a message if you'd like to have a lesson via teleconference, he teaches voice for a living and will be a lot more help than I'd ever be. I will say that I continue to marvel at your courage and vulnerability. When I think of what makes you awesome and what your voice sounds like, it's like comparing a Supernova to a Candle.
Chris Cantrell
2020-02-14 06:46:50 +0000 UTCWanting your job to make a difference - and becoming overworked and depressed over it is a very relatable experience... I did not notice it on time, and hurt most of my human relationships over it. I admire your ability to realize what exactly is not working for you! The two things that are helping me to (mostly) get back to be living my life are: 1) Limit how much you work every day. Surprisingly, it takes effort at first to make yourself stop working! But it's important to have time for something else. 2) Have a hobby. Hobby is different from work in that it is intentionally not important (or, at least, not that important) For me, the hobby is ballroom dancing, and one of the recent things I did was choose one of the hardest dances for me - samba - and dance it to the "Baby Shark" song. Dumbest idea ever, I would not be able to do it if it was "work". But it turned out to be lots of fun, for me and for those who were watching. Oh, and for the voice question: your voice sounds feminine to me, but as if you are not used to it yet. As if the lengths of different sounds are not the way people usually speak. (The second part felt more natural than the first part in this regard)
Anton Molyboha
2020-02-14 04:58:15 +0000 UTCFirst of all, the fact that you are no longer interested in doing "stuff that is valuable but in an abstract time-lagged way" ... Totally fair!! I used to think I wanted to go into academia and become a science researcher/professor. Then I tried actually doing research, and do you know how effing long the feedback loop is on most science activities? SO. EFFING. LONG. I eventually realized that I just do not have the resilience nor desire to spend years on One Single Narrow-Scope project. (Then I spent 5 years trying to forgive myself and move on with my life.) Point being... well, it's super relatable that you want to do some concrete things for people you care about. Go do that!!!! Also, definitely take a vacation. Vacations are good for you. 💖💖💖 Take care of yourself first!! (Also, I think both the voices in your recording sound femme to me... but as a cis woman with a very deep voice, I am probably kinda biased? Sorry I can't help with this!)
Brittany B.
2020-02-14 03:23:11 +0000 UTCI've supported you for years because you are so clearly a combination of smart, creative, and big-hearted. I can't really advise you, without knowing you better, about most of your concerns, but TAKE A FUCKING VACATION, or at least a vacation. Schedule them. It's not like you are my employee, or our employee, because we fund you through Patreon, but if you were, I'd expect you to take at least 4 weeks of vacation time. Creative work is very very hard, in ways people don't understand. It camps in your head. It follows you home. You have to find ways to detach and to rest. If just going away does it for you, great. if not, go do something completely different but also absorbing., and preferably physically exhausting I don't know--bird-watching, horse training, song-writing. Something that gets you out of your day-job. Do that for a week. THEN take a week completely off. You'll be more detached from your projects that way.
Karen Cooper
2020-02-14 02:48:30 +0000 UTCOn the big lofty Patreon goals: Honestly, do whatever you like. I'm interested to see more for you no matter what... though admittedly right now I'm just following and not pledging, so I should take a backseat to that. As a trans person, on your voice: It sounds fake, but not necessarily 'trans' fake or something. It just sounds false, like a falsetto. It's very nasal and it's so high that it sounds unnatural--I don't know a lot of women who talk that way, cis or trans. I think the pitch is so high it's actually distracting from whether your voice sounds naturally feminine, because the pitch doesn't sound natural. I have no idea if it helps, but when trying to figure out who the accent/pitch/etc reminded me of I naturally thought of Effie Trinket @_@ But people have given more actionable feedback above! I'm no good at voice training (very excited for your tool) so all I can say is what I hear.
yves.
2020-02-14 00:53:07 +0000 UTCYour voice sounds fine, but i have no idea what I'm looking for (which is likely true for most people who don't know you well). As for unblocking, how about you put it out as a beta, and invite people to help you improve the documentation? that way, you get some early adopters to show it works for others, and see how it goes? those will be people who need the least documentation afterall You deserve a paid vacation - you don’t live in the US any more, so you should take it as if it was any other job. You do more than enough for our money :)
S Smith
2020-02-13 22:51:48 +0000 UTCOne last thing--expecting to attain a lofty, idealistic goal like changing the whole world or finding Prince Charming is unhealthy, but letting it inspire and guide you isn't. That's the thing about platonic ideals: they don't exist, but the things they inspire do. There's no such thing as the platonic ideal of a triangle, but you can make some pretty sweet triangles by following it! Just be sure to allow yourself a reasonable margin of error.
Rev Storm
2020-02-13 20:06:41 +0000 UTCI understand the instinct to wait till you've "proven" your voice training tool works to release it, but why not crowd source the proof: i.e. release it to a beta test audience and get multiple people all trying together?
Jennifer
2020-02-13 19:51:57 +0000 UTCWhy not get some help from people who have mastered their voices? If not personally, just linking to existing voice training videos would take a lot of the workload off you. One of the biggest things that's helped me get through blocks--not just creatively, but getting past completely disabling mental illness to learn again how to do basic things for myself--has been acknowledging that I don't have to do everything by myself. If someone can do something better than you, and they're willing to help, then let them, at least until you've learned from them how to do it! I wasn't raised by Asian parents, but by high-energy, neglectful parents I was always desperate to live up to and to please, so learning to accept help, to accept that I don't need to constantly be useful to other people to be worth loving, has also been difficult for me. (As a programming example--you wouldn't write your own API for interacting with the DOM when jQuery/React/angular etc. already exists!) If you want to add a unique function, though, you can just give Guitar Hero-style guides and scores. I know that's helped me a lot just for voice training to sing! Besides that, I think it's actually a bonus that you're still working this out yourself. It puts you on the same level as the other people using it, giving you a better sense of urgency for features that may be needed than someone who's already mastered these things would have. You're learning with us, and it's a journey of gradients, not one big accomplishment! As for your voice...It's funny, but *learning* to do a falsetto was a big step for me, so in coming from the opposite direction, I can see exactly what you're doing wrong. The problem is that you're *trying* to make your voice high and feminine, but usually, people who sound like that aren't trying to--they may even be speaking in the lowest, most masculine register physically possible for them without training! As you get older (even without growing an Adam's apple), your vocal cords mostly push out forward. Try to think of being a kid again. You're speaking from the back of your throat, close to your esophagus--you can feel the lack of resonance, how your voice is mostly getting absorbed by flesh. Now, instead of trying to sound high-pitched and feminine, come from the other side of it. Imagine that your voice refuses to be anything *but* squeaky, and you're desperately trying to make it sound deep, tough, and grown-up enough to be taken seriously. For reference, characters like Rainbow Dash (or for a more extreme example, Scootaloo), or the original Buttercup from Powerpuff Girls, or Spinelli from Recess are good examples of what I mean. Even though I started out with a feminine voice, I have a deep voice, so this is also just the mindset I've used to hit higher notes on singing. Getting in character, with a character that has lots of examples to reference, always helps me! Also--I'm not sure if you've heard this, but your voice kind of gets sealed into different "modes." (It's probably a little more extreme for me, because I'm prone to getting a lot of mucus from colds and allergies all year long :p) That is, you'll get locked in speaking more in front and out with your vocal cords, or in back and inside with your esophagus. Lately, I've been finding myself getting stuck not only in the more feminine/youthful zone and Rainbow Dash-ing when I try to dip more masculine, but also getting stuck in the more masculine/older zone and sounding like Kevin McDonald when I try to switch back again! Again, could be the mucus, but when I want to switch out, I find hot drinks and cough drops are handy. Taking a hot shower and talking/singing to myself in the morning is a good way to set my voice up for the rest of the day! Finally, you may just find yourself stuck in certain modes because it feels weird to suddenly drastically change the way you talk around people you already know. Going out to coffee shops and placing my order with a total stranger who has no idea what I normally sound like is much easier for me! Anyway, your works have helped me a lot, so I hope some of this helps you! :) P.S. Exploring new skillsets is definitely a good idea, it's been helping me a lot lately! Just be careful not to overload yourself. Let yourself just learn the basics of something and sit on that for a while until you feel comfortable with it. Hell, you wrote about the sweet spot of time to wait for memorizing things e.g. Anki, you know that better than I do!
Rev Storm
2020-02-13 19:48:16 +0000 UTCre disappointing fans/patreons/me. I give you $2 a month. it’s honestly not that much. you’d have to work hard to disappoint me.
Johannes Wärn
2020-02-13 19:23:04 +0000 UTCi mean the food
Samuel Hackwill
2020-02-13 18:06:36 +0000 UTClong life to poutine also
Samuel Hackwill
2020-02-13 18:06:32 +0000 UTCimho your "competitive advantage" can probably be described in many ways but i wouldn't narrow it to explorables. I personnaly really enjoy your writing and sense of humour. These assets can be used in many a field and are actually rarer than what one would think. As for the audio sample, i guess you sound OK (60%?). Not sure why you own voice needs to be perfect for the project though, maybe i'm missing out on something but couldn't you work with someone else's voice? Cheers & thank you for your work :)
Samuel Hackwill
2020-02-13 18:05:40 +0000 UTCHey Nicky - I have the same issue, I work remotely all day long on a combination of things. What helps me is intense, active pairing with others, and working on specific instances of general things. For example, in human rights, we fight enforced disappearances by advocating on individual cases sometimes in contact with the family members. Makes the general thing very real and emotionally connected. In coding, I do a lot of pairing with younger devs, which helps a lot. Maybe you could pick something to explain that is meaningful to someone, and have them work with you on the development closely a certain amount? If you are doing something meaningful to people, it should be meaningful to one or two specific people, who would be willing to collaborate on it. I am super interested in the general trust and society things, for instance, and would love to collab on those sort of things; I'm personally not connected to the genderbend work, but I am sure you could find people who it connects deeply to, and work with them?
Golda Velez
2020-02-13 17:54:07 +0000 UTC30%, 70%. Whatever you decide to do, I'd recommend against pausing your Patreon. We're all here for different reasons, and those may not necessarily line up with the expectation that we're supposed to be getting explorables. Personally, I support you because you have a beautiful mind and I'm excited for anything and everything you are doing, regardless of whether those things result in something I get to see. I'd gladly continue supporting you even on sabbatical and/or with you focusing on more interpersonal endeavors, because I know that the net result is still positive, even if it's not immediately obvious to me why. Other folks may not feel that way, but that's the beauty of Patreon. As long as you're being 100% transparent and not trying to fool anyone, our patronage will scale accordingly and that makes it all OK :)
Devon Peterson
2020-02-13 17:28:17 +0000 UTCI sincerely don't know what % to give, but I can say the second test feels weird to me, while the first was ok. Concerning the block, do what you like, and feel you need to. I came to be a "patron" because I like your experiments, couldn't expect where they'd lead and felt like that was great. So in my mind, the way to go is totally yours to choose, and you have my full support. Oh btw, me and my girlfriend still talk about our respective anxieties as animals, it really helps expressing things in a less dramatic way. So thanks again for that.
Poio
2020-02-13 17:24:16 +0000 UTCThis comment comes to you in two parts; money and honoring your desires 1. Money Whatever you do, make sure your living situation is in order. If you feel like you need to freeze your Patreon while on sabbatical, make sure you have enough in the bank or enough support to get through the time. Personally, I would keep pledging on Patreon if you announced a sabbatical. As long as you keep us updated, I don't care how long it takes for the next project to release or if it's an explorable. What matters to me is that you put things into the world that matter to you. 2. Honoring your desires Coming from an Asian/Christian upbringing, I feel like I always need to put aside my desires and emotions for the sake of others. It's the hardest thought pattern I've had to unlearn in therapy. The best example is my friends and family. I've poured countless hours into people who didn't care about me because I thought sticking it out meant you were 'a good friend'. Now, I've started to cut those people out of my life. Sure, I have a lot less friends, but I feel like I truly want the people I have in my life. I haven't felt this good in years. I also struggle with feeling unfulfilled and stagnating at my job. If I focus on work for more than 4 hours a day, I feel exhausted and become more prone to anxiety. I can't imagine how you do it for 8 hours a day. The way I got around it was by spending more time reading and writing about the things I care about (mostly anime, philosophy, and economics). Sure, I don't write as much code or launch as much features than if I worked 8 hours a day, but on the whole I feel more content on an hourly basis. Good luck in whatever you decide Nicky
Nora Del Rosario
2020-02-13 16:38:16 +0000 UTCAs for the voice clips, the first (0:00–0-19) feels a bit like someone artificially made their voice more nasal. The second one, though, for me as a French, sounds like any asian woman with a thick accent I heard on TV.
Pierre Thierry
2020-02-13 16:33:04 +0000 UTCPosted this before, but it seems to have been eaten? I'm one year into a solo project and am getting stir crazy, losing focus, and feeling isolated (it wasn't supposed to be this long, but life got in the way). I don't think it's possible to keep this up unless you're feeling really engaged. You should take some time off from your routine and help someone else with something cool they're working on or offer to apply your skills to something they need. New challenge, short term, change of perspective, fresh air, don't have to be creative on command, etc. After that, you might be ready to go back, or you might have the perspective you need to make a decision about something else long term. I think it's lousy to have to stress so much about your patreon when you're thinking of taking a break. We're here because we want to support your creativity, and if you burn out, that won't happen anyway. If you're worried about it while taking a short break, make sure to draw us a couple personal doodles and write us a journal entry every couple weeks. Be healthy!
Jack Phelps
2020-02-13 16:29:07 +0000 UTC(oh and a quick "I second!" on Jason's note for tight nasality. BREATHE!! :) :) )
Emelin Ringuette
2020-02-13 16:23:08 +0000 UTCTake a break! Find a new challenge :) I'd be glad to keep the patreon going even...I do it for YOU, not for the things you produce. I learn from you even in these updates. I like chatting with you online! For the voice, I'd go with about 30% first section and 50-60% second section. The first part definitely sounded like a masculine voice pitched higher and with lips sort of compressed (decreased aperture). I went back to listen to L's clip and read their voice training guide on Reddit, and I believe I narrowed the masculine signs I got from your clip to your vocal resonance. Your clip was closer to a falsetto, if that makes sense--like the tongue was bearing the responsibility for pitch change instead of the larynx. From my quick and limited reading, the only answer is exercise.
Emelin Ringuette
2020-02-13 16:21:51 +0000 UTCHey, regarding your voice, I feel you've made tremendous progress, but if you feel there's room for improvement, maybe you can collaborate with someone? Also, I wouldn't mind keeping my pledge while you go on vacation. If/when you do, let us know where we can give donations.
Alejandra Canahui
2020-02-13 16:21:46 +0000 UTCThe first section I'd rate ~60%, the second around 30%, but there are highlights that show you've gotten some comfort and ease through your training. In the first section, there's a tightness, a nasality, that to my ear comes off as an attempt at a girl's voice. The best section is :05 - :07 where you have a "fuller" sound ("brain and body that can be run in virtual reality"), but contrasts sharply with the next section where you almost hear that you're pulling your lips into a smile and your tongue far forward, raising the vowels and exaggerating the sibilants ("wantS him to be his guinea pigS"). The "uhhh" at ~:20 is the best of the second part for me. If I listen to the second part as a throaty woman's voice, it sounds off--largely for the same reasons as the first but exaggerated by the competing forces of tight nasality and throat rumble. If I listened to it out of context, it would be believable as a younger girl attempting to imitate a deeper woman's voice. Here's a video I found on training away nasality: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGlUZkMsJuk All that said, I don't know what you sounded like before starting training, so these may just be features of your voice. You sound great, and I look forward to seeing/hearing how you feel about your progress. I studied linguistics many years ago, so this is a really interesting project to me. Edit3: It would be good to know what you're aiming for, since I'm not convinced there is a single Platonic ideal "femme" voice. You're training your voice to sound different, but there are myriad "good" "femme" voices out there.
Jason Brechin
2020-02-13 15:47:03 +0000 UTCThe impact of your work is tremendous. The written word is a powerful thing because it allows thoughts to transcend space and time - so the area under the curve can become quite large relative to an orator. But simply writing about complex systems is not sufficient to inform the common person, because it would make for a very dry reading, and especially because many of the conclusions are counterintuitive. This means that systems can only really be understood through interaction or simulation.I literally signed up for patron in order to support you, Nicky, because I think the world has become a sufficiently complex place that If we all are counted on to participate in a way that seems intuitive, we are going to get it wrong. Part of a basic education and civics needs to include having children play through and Intuit your culture simulators. Given the overall tone of your update here, my suspicion is that you haven't been able to fully see reflected back the importance of the work that you were doing. Philosophers inform how we think about how society should be structured, which then legislators make reality. You are the kind of philosopher the 21st-century desperately needs.
David E Weekly
2020-02-13 15:44:56 +0000 UTCWhen it comes to the voice clips, the tone and pitches of the voices are usually pretty spot on. There's always women (in my experience) with a vast array of natural voice ranges. First clip I'd say about 35% and the second more of a 60%. There was also the matter of modulation, which can really throw things off from sounding natural. If you naturally modulate well or poorly, modifying your voice will tend to lower it or increase it unnaturally like when speaking a different language, and that's what I felt when listening. Not sure how well you pronounce your words normally so I can't say for sure either way. The other aspect I tend to see from males attempting for a feminine voice is the clarity of the voice. Whenever I hear males attempt it there's always this bit of extra gravel or rasp that isn't typically in their voice, which might be caused by the throat change causing extra pressure on their throat they don't do normally. The last thing I suggest is to try out falsetto, and slowly try to transition to non-falsetto. A typical voice acting/singing trope is that you shouldn't use it, but that's because people suck at transition from and into falsetto. If you can get a low falsetto range going (which allows for clarity and the right tone+pitch), it should become far more convincing. Oh, also. I sense a bit of nasally that comes from the throat position change, which tends to push the soft palette up making that nasal sound. My suggestion would be to practice the falsetto transitions while humming, as that lets you learn to clear up your nasal passages a bit more. (My experience has been amateur for fun voice acting and growing up surrounded by talented singers, as well as myself learning to control my throat muscles, nasal passages and ear canals through freediving and apnea training). Edit: as for whether or not you wish to continue doing what you're doing, it really depends on whether or not you think doing it is still fun. The best for mental health, in my opinion, is working on stuff you find fun on average, having hobbies to allow for rest, and socializing. You aren't REQUIRED to do anything in particular for these "explorables" (although I greatly look forward to them when they happen), but if you continue them, be sure to let it be something you find interesting and fun to talk about. Taking a vacation is totally a-ok and well deserved, just recall the purpose for said vacation and what you seek out of it. Those little bit of anxiety that creep in because you're in your comfort zone will always be there, and a lot of the time adding something extra to your list of hobbies to share might give you little breaks between each one so you are never quite in your comfort zone ever again. It really depends on what you personally consider to a comfort zone or not, which can vary from person to person. Doing it "for the world" might not be particularly realistic, but they're out there for people to learn from, so you're technically helping already even if you did nothing from now on. There's also nothing stating you can't find a balance between both work and social life. Typically I even work WITH friends in the room or go to the location we often meet and work there instead, taking extended breaks when the workload's lower. It's about knowing how to give yourself intermittent breaks and letting yourself realize what it is you want to achieve. I'm currently working on a major personal game project while also working on someone else's for money, and am going to be teaching a game design course once again next semester, while keeping my girlfriend as happy as I can and doing the physical exercises I enjoy (swimming, boxing, yoga, etc). Combining many different things is perfectly plausible even without proper time management, and typically my method is to have some on the backburner for a while when focusing on other ones I enjoy in the moment, then put those on the backburner and pick from the pile of projects/hobbies that were on temporary hold. I don't know if this stuff could work for you, but it's exactly what works for me at the moment.
RPGgrenade
2020-02-13 15:31:43 +0000 UTCCont'd and final. I use Momentum to remind myself every day of what my priorities are. A few months back, I moved all the To Do items down one so that the first priority is always "smart funny creative kind". That's my reminder that I feel better when I do at least one small thing every day that feeds each of those four dimensions. I wonder what yours might be. P.S. I've literally listened to 100 presentations by young women in the last two weeks, and I'd say your readings are 70-80% femme but have a brittle quality that I can't describe acoustically. Whatever it is, the sound is femme but girly. *There is nothing wrong with "girly."* If I heard that voice in class, I'd be coaching that student to punctuate her speech with a bit of downspeak and slower tempo when she wants emphasis and gravitas on a particular point.
Linda Carson
2020-02-13 15:30:26 +0000 UTCAs for my experience: after 10 years of hard lifting programming, I dropped everything and went to India without any idea what to do after. With the same thought, like yours. It takes half a year to get back to IT. But it comes naturally. I shift field (from mobile dev to cryptography and with more management/architecture roles. So, maybe, Try to do the same. Try to do nothing that doesn't bring satisfaction (don't worry, I subscribed yesterday and will continue to donate after next year, *I was a big fan of you for a last 5 years , before found your patreon :) ) All after all. You will feel what brings happiness to you. One of your option or something new that you don’t even think about while staying ”in the box.” Best wishes. Petr. ❤️ P.s. ”Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. Confucius”
Petr Korolev
2020-02-13 15:24:03 +0000 UTCCont'd. I wonder if you'd enjoy collaboration, and if you'd benefit from some third-party career coaching to help you see your skill set through new eyes, especially its transferrability.
Linda Carson
2020-02-13 15:22:56 +0000 UTCCont'd. Everyone needs vacations and people time.
Linda Carson
2020-02-13 15:21:49 +0000 UTCYou've already contributed, and some of it's legacy type stuff that will be mentioned whenever you are professionally introduced forever. Well done.
Linda Carson
2020-02-13 15:21:27 +0000 UTCFirst I'd say you should be aware that you already made the world a better place. We can debate to what extent and whether there's a surplus globally, but then we should also talking about different kind of expectations, i.e. what you aim for when you utter that motto to yourself. If you're at that point in your life, where you feel, that you're solely in a martyr role, then you're probably gonna make the world a worse place; at least for yourself. We all need to balance out our needs, if we want to keep on doing what we originally wanted to. From personal experience, I would advice taking a sabbatical; it can be open-ended. If you want to develop yourself: consider using a structured system, such as the western version of the Ikigai (you'll find plenty of Venn-Diagrams with 4 ellipses on GoogleImages). I was once suggested to read the book "The Lifelong Activist". I haven't been able to do so (i.e. can't say whether I'd endorse it). Just wanted to drop it here, if you're looking for advice.
Pat Mächler
2020-02-13 15:17:14 +0000 UTCHeyy so, I'm going to come back with more thoughts but have you read Johanna Hedva's Sick woman theory? (This might seem unrelated but I'll come back to give context!) http://www.maskmagazine.com/not-again/struggle/sick-woman-theory
Shey
2020-02-13 15:17:09 +0000 UTCMy vote: 50% femme on the 1st voice, 60% femme on the 2nd voice. (I'm only partially informed of the factors for voice quality you linked in your last post, so this is all IMHO). The 1st voice sounds like a typical American femme-level of pitch and dynamics but it also sounded constricted (especially at 0:08), like you were intentionally playing an accent or speaking a 2nd language. This burst the bubble of seeming fluent to me but by little. The 2nd voice seems to "hide" this constriction but is a noticeably higher pitch and drew more of my surprise and attention. I bet you could refine either of the 2 voices into your own. \n Your musings about your feelings of fulfillment all seem natural to me. I've had many of these same concerns but wish I had this level of narrative clarity ("valuable but in an abstract time-lagged way" felt like a beautifully concise name for a feeling I've had about my previous work and believe lots of people have had). I can't say I have a successful strategy, but your Social Needs solution seems like an unambiguously good idea to me that I can recommend without caveat.
Mauricio Arreola-Garcia
2020-02-13 15:16:53 +0000 UTCCan you get some help on the tutorial side of things? Or make it kind of a living document? For example write the tutorial with people who mastered working with their voice and/or are better suited to write the tutorial _right now_. Then as you train your voice over the coming months, update the tutorial and incorporate feedback from people following along. Edit: Okay, "enter" is "send", not "break line". The first half sounded like… 40% naturally feminine? As in, I can tell it's a masculine voice trying to sound feminine, but doing an okay job. The second half sounded more convincing to me, maybe 70%? There were parts that sounded convincingly feminine. Edit 2: And as for disappointing your patreons: What plans do you have? I enjoy most of the content you make and I bet I'd enjoy the new stuff you'd do even if it's not an explorable or a research update or a blogpost. Edit 3: Before I forget: Take a vacation!
Fahrstuhl
2020-02-13 15:16:43 +0000 UTC
