General Ickiness and the Return of Benji

Hello, my legion of helpful humanoids.

It's been a hot sec since I last wrote one of these things, hasn't it? I have lots of very good excuses for that, but I'm not going to trifle with those here and now. I think by the end of this update you'll more or less have a handle on it, whether or not I hand-feed you every excruciating detail.

This is less about why things haven't been happening, and more about what, in fact, has been happening... out of sight.

So, what are y'all missing out on?

Video Production

I haven't made a single update about the SCP series on the Patreon proper since I started work on the visuals three weeks ago. That's just unethical, especially since I have content to spoil. Good, solid, worthy content, which Felipe and I have worked very hard to bring to life.

In fact, you should expect some of that very soon after this post.

For now though, the general size of it is this: The first SCP video is 80% of the way to completion at the moment. 

All that's left is to animation 3-5 sequences (which I have have all the visual assets for), add music/sound, and package it up all nice with a thumbnail, etc. All in all I'd give that amount of work a timeline of maybe two weeks. Maybe.

As for the rest, the list video still needs to be written and recorded, but we have a complete outline. The short story is already coming together in my head, and is going to be a far more wieldy project than the Terry Pratchett novella. And Finally, we're shoulder-deep in research for the upcoming -Punk series.

So despite the severe lag in production, things are honestly going swell. I expect things to go even faster as the year marches on.

Streamstuff

Streams have been incredible.  Community-changing. Life-changing. The wholesomeness and solidarity they've brought to the the Foundry cannot possibly be overstated. 

I actually had one of the most poignant experiences of my life on stream the week before last. The community came together to support me in face of mental health issues I was facing, and we did some healing together live on air after we wrapped up the writing group for the evening.

It's all on video here. I cannot recommend hard enough that you go watch it—just be ready to cry.

Streams have also been somewhat irregular lately. They won't continue to be that way, but Feburary's been a difficult month for it.

General Ickiness

This season has been unkind to me in some ways, mostly in the department of my physical and psychological well-being.

Earlier this winter (I think in December), I got strep and an upper respiratory tract infection. Nasty business, took me out of commission for two-and-half weeks while I battled a fever and tried to get my hearing back (eustachian tube dysfunction is not a good time).

After that, I started battling for lost time. I was working on weekends and holidays, every day, streaming faithfully every week, and putting my shoulder to the wheel to help support my girlfriend after her car broke down, which adds 1.5hrs or more to my daily commute. So I was already behind and keeping a steady sweat trying to compensate. Thanks, illness.

All the while, I was losing my sanity. 

For those of you who don't know, I'm a hypochondriac. The simple way to explain this is that I have a mental disorder where I experience extreme anxiety triggered by small physiological symptoms and sensations. I can get a canker sore and very legitimate think my life is about to end. It's terrible. It consumes my mind and makes it impossible to focus on anything but the fear. The worst part is that this constant fight-or-flight status actually takes a physiological toll as well. You start losing sleep. You experience hot flashes and dysphagia. You get pains in strange places for no reason. You can't pass a normal bowel movement anymore.

Suffice to say, it gets bad.

For the last half-year, I've had this pretty much under control. No bad episodes.

Now, all of the sudden I get sick and start rushing to make up for lost time and I'm back to living in a waking torment, constantly sure I'm about to die? You'd think the correlation is obvious, but I didn't realize what was going on until I had to cancel a stream because I was having a nervous meltdown.

I was burning myself out.

Usually that looks like exhaustion, depression, despondence, fatigue, etc. But I didn't have those things, so I just assumed for some reason my mind was having a go at me and I'd just have to tough it out. Keep doing what I'm doing, get the work done, it'll pass.

Doesn't work that way. When your mind and your body are screaming at you, it's time to stop and listen.

So finally, I did. I started taking Saturdays off and spending some mandatory social time with friends every week. The effect was instantaneous and undeniable: some R&R and self-care lightened my mental load and made it easier to look past my neuroses.

So I figure this out and return to life as usual with a few adjustments, and they're working! Amazing! Outstanding! Such hope and energy and momentum and...

And then the flu.

Had it for just over two weeks. Incredibly, the symptoms were just setting in the Friday before last, so I was able to show up in a podcast as a guest, and run a writing group stream that day, right before everything went down hill. The Friday after was a complete wash.

To Be Continued

It's been a heck of a time.

But this terrible season seems to be winding down. I seem to have a better grasp on self-care, and (for now) the illnesses are letting me be. Still got the sniffles and a little cough, but nothing that should keep me from working on videos or spending time with all of you.

When stuff like this happens, it's especially terrible because I don't have a boss to be disappointed at me or whatever. I'm not just losing hours and money, either. I'm losing progress. The less I make, the less the wider community sees. The less they see, the less involved they feel. The less involved everyone feels, the less support, views, etc., the show gets.

This period has lead to something of a financially disaster on my part, but not ruin yet. There's still time to recover, and this time I'm going to be generous with myself about how I do it. No more willful burnouts. No more ignoring the pleas of my mind and body.

--

Thank you all for being so supportive during this terrible, terrible season. Things'll get better, and soon. This just wasn't the way I was expecting to start after releasing that last update video.

A bounty of love and wonderful things to you. Be well, and I will be too.

Let's get back to making stuff up.


—Benji