THE GROOMDA FILES: Part Groo (pt. 2)

Part Groo
by Aubrey Lysander

Here are the facts.

1) Groomda is a high ranking officer on the Cavalier.

2) Groomda is a scientist.

3) Groomda is more successful at tasks that require feelings than tasks that require lasers, which is a silly way to design a scientist.

4) Groomda has an ice form.

I was able to gather this information from my brother Gelmire and not, strangely, from Groomda’s Vanguard Public Profile. Groomda’s VPP is unlike every other officer’s at his level in that Groomda’s VPP is entirely redacted (except for the part about the ice form). The gaps in his public record ignited the engine of my investigative journalism motorcycle. I was all ready to dive into months of Truth Pursuit when I received a call on my space cellular space phone.

“Ith thith Gelmiwe’th oldew bwothew?”

“Yes.”

“THITH ith GWOOMDA!”

I’ll recount the remainder of our dialogue faithfully but leave Groomda’s particular take on diction to the reader’s imagination.

Why are you calling me?

Gelmire said you went practically catatonic when catching one of my little guys in action! I’m a bit of a social scientist so I deduced you were looking for a story.

So that’s the kind of scientist you are on the Cavalier? A social scientist?

Kinda! (editor’s note: Groomda is annoying.)

Well Groomda, I’m glad you called. I was curious about your…well…your whole deal. There’s no info about you, your history, your species, not even your home planet. How did someone like you get such a high profile job on such a high profile ship?

I’m good at what I do!

And what is that?

I’m around!

Around doing what?

Adventures!

And when you’re not doing adventures?

I’m a scientist!

And what do you study?

My experiments of course!

And those are…

On the Cavalier!

Right but what is your field of study? What kind of experiments do you run? There’re many different kinds of scientific inquiry so I’m just asking what specifically you do.

I’m Groomda! (In case you forgot my editor’s note: Groomda is annoying.)

Groomda, you must understand what I’m asking. As far as I can tell, there has never been a creature like you in the Vanguard. You’re a mystery to everyone. Don’t you think we deserve to know a little more about you?

(I could hear his tentacles increase their rate of writhing.)

Why pursue mystery when I make it so easy to enjoy my company?

So you think your personality makes up for how little sense you make?

(Silence)

Groomda?

Aubrey, what is your mailing address?

Why?

I’m going to send you one of my tentacles.