Recovering from a huge stuffing

Note: I'm trying a new layout with the pics being spaced through more like a blog because I never liked the default slideshow Patreon does so please let me know if you prefer this!

So I've been completely out of control lately. That's how I've felt, anyway. Maybe a month or two ago I sort of took stock of how much weight I've gained after coming back to tumblr and starting my Patreon, and decided it was time to not stop but at least slow down, because it was a lot and even though it made me burn hot and flush and squirm, I was trying really hard to be practical and not let myself get carried away again. I genuinely did start eating a little less, going for some gentle walks and tried to stop with the massive stuffings. For probably three weeks or so I almost felt normal - not like I used to, I was still fat af, but I started to have days where I didn't have to put on clothes I was straining against to go out, or where I would have conversations where I was actually listening and not distracted, overwhelmed, and turned on by how fat I felt and wondering what they were thinking of me. It was almost kinda nice, feeling like just a regular person.

Well, that lasted for a few weeks.

Because it was also boring.

I missed feeling obscene, I missed being strikingly focused on the heavy flop of my gut in my lap. And I desperately missed the hot panic of eating and eating and eating until I could hardly stand and feeling the chance of ever getting my fit body back slip further and further away.

I missed being too turned on to function - a blushing, wobbling, gasping mess. Excitement running under my skin like a current as I tried to hide what I had made unhideable.

The first time I stuffed myself after that admittedly short three-week attempt at normalcy was pure euphoria. The thrill went straight to my head like a drug, and suddenly everything felt different. It's very hard to describe if you haven't been in that position before. It was like slipping back into a surreal fantasy, carried along on a wave instead of walking on land.

Not conventionally attractive, but obscenely hot. That's an important distinction for me, and a choice I've been fighting between all my life. They both feel good (in very, very different ways) but only one turns my skin hot and my mind inside out with a forbidden thrill. I know I don't look as good like this to the mainstream as I did when I was fit. And I know that if (if? when) I gain even more weight, I'll look even worse, but in my depraved little mind full of crossed wires, I want that desperately. 

So, I think I've finally chosen.