allfattenedup

Reckless

Added 2022-07-22 10:31:40 +0000 UTC

I start buying my clothes a size down. I don't know exactly why, other than the intoxicating heat that blooms across my face and in my chest when I try on the smaller size just for fun, and see how cruelly it shows my thick spare tyre, how ruthlessly it maps the hang of my stomach. How reckless I'd be, to let anyone see me dressed like this, I think, as I turn and turn and turn in the locked change room, desperate to see the unflattering outfit from every angle. How reckless, and shameful, and thrilling, and mortifying, and-

And then I'm swiping my card, stumbling back into reality on the break of the wave that carried me here. I leave with bags and bags of clothes I should never, ever let myself be seen in, and I'm nervous - scared, even. But I'd gotten my first little taste when the cashier had rung up my items and noticed the size tags, then looked me over in a doubtful way that hadn't been as subtle as he'd probably thought it was. Something had erupted in the pleasure centre of my brain that had been almost obscene. I know this feeling. It's the same feeling I felt when I first let myself wonder, 'what if I just gained a tiny bit of weight, just to try it?' That addictive, slippery slope that leads to delicious, exhilarating ruin. The kind I've sampled and gotten a taste for and come back for more.