Important please read

Ok at least the first paragraph ;)

To those of you that are new here or to anyone that forgot they are subscribed to my Patreon - I want to remind you that you will be charged for April come midnight.

I know that finances are tight for most of us at the moment because of everything that’s going on and the last thing I want is for one of you to accidentally spend money that you didn’t budget for.

So if you’re unable to subscribe for April and need to delete your pledge before midnight just know that I appreciate you having been here for however long or short you were here. I hope I was able to contribute in a positive way to how you perceive fat people and the way you perceive yourself and know that I have love for all of you by virtue of you supporting my art and allowing my chronically ill ass to survive!

I have zero hard feelings towards anyone that needs to unsubscribe and I am aware that it will be many of you.

My landlord is being very understanding of the current situation and is letting me pay rent late so I’m very blessed to not have to fear eviction at the moment and I will be ok.

I get that that is a privilege many don’t have and I am very aware and grateful that I have a safe place to stay during this wild time.

If you do decide to stick around, I appreciate you so so much and I hope I’ll be able to create small moments of solace for us all.

TW: Domestic Violence

It has been a struggle to create on schedule in the past as I’m sure you’re aware - I haven’t spoken about this publicly ever but I feel I owe it to you all to explain why my posting schedule is the way it is.

You might have seen bits and pieces of this if you’ve been following for years - like my insomnia chronicles on Snapchat etc.

But in essence - my brain is a wreck yay!

I have complex PTSD (from several different things but mostly from a family member trying to kill me when I was 2 and then attempting a murder suicide by driving us into a wall when I was around 4) it’s a very long story and I don’t want to dwell on it but my PTSD manifests in anxiety/panic attacks, severe insomnia, depression and memory loss.

I also have ADHD and PCOS which further fucks with my brain/ability to work.

Oh and if that wasn’t sexy and fun enough I also have been starting to get maybe carpal tunnel or something that makes my wrists hurt like heck but I don’t have insurance so idk what it even is lol and on the days where I edit a ton I can barely sleep after because the pain in my wrist is so distracting so I have to do editing in moderation.

Sometimes my wrists don’t hurt for weeks and then I try to get a lot of stuff done but other times it just feels impossible.

Because of this bouquet of fuckery I’m always scrambling to create content in time before the month is over but most of the time I can barely get it together by the time it’s the last couple days of the month and it’s not that I don’t care about uploading here it’s that I just can’t get it done faster.

I’ve had multiple people yell at me about me uploading content late in the month but I honestly just can’t do it any other way - if I could I would. But also why does it matter when it’s uploaded? I always post links which means you can save the link and look at it whenever you want. It’s not like I upload directly to Patreon and you can only view it if you’re subscribed so if you delete your pledge before the end of the month you still have access to whatever I posted if you save the link.

Idk maybe I’m missing something?

Anyway,

It’s a blessing when a actual photographer like Isaiah Mays or Tiffany Nacke shoots photos of me and I can just upload that but as you know that’s very rare because yaknow it’s near impossible finding good photographers that are willing to shoot fat people and Tiffany and Isaiah aren’t in Chicago.

I was supposed to fly to LA and shoot with Isaiah last week but obviously the apocalypse hit and I wasn’t able to fly there.

Blergh. Anyway I’m sorry this is such a long post I just felt that I owed it to y’all to explain this and let you know that I of course care very much about my Patreon it’s literally majority of my income especially now that I can’t have any photo shoots where I get paid as the photographer or model and all my performances are cancelled as well as pretty much every sponsorship/collaboration.

In some weird way I’ve been feeling better than ever because I finally found a sliding scale therapist who is amazing (We do Skype sessions obviously) and is helping me with my PTSD and I’m just happy that my family and friends are doing ok. Three of my family had COVID three weeks ago and they are doing so much better now and the two other family members plus myself that weren’t sure if we got it (we had a flu and couldn’t get tested so I guess we won’t ever know but we had all the symptoms except the breathing issues - well my one cousin did but she’s pregnant so it was probably because of that) - anyway we’re all doing better now!

My dad is doing ok physically but one of his friends - a really awesome 89 year old saxophone player, actually passed from COVID a couple days ago so he’s been mentally going through it.

I’m sorry that this is so much text - as I said earlier I have ADHD so it’s hard to create concise text posts and I really apologize if this was hard to follow.

I feel extremely lucky that my loved ones are safe now and I so so truly hope all of you and yours are as well.

Sending you so much love.

I appreciate you.

Carina