It’s been kind of rough. (what i've been up to)

Hi guys! So it has been many many months since I’ve posted anything on here, as some of you have probably noticed.

I’ve been jumping on near the end of each month to pause payment cycles, so no one should have been charged since February, but I haven’t interacted much beyond that or checked stats or messages. I haven’t even looked at my email in ages either, to be honest.

It’s been kind of rough. That doesn’t excuse the lack of explanation on my part, but I hope to provide some context since you deserve at least that.

This was *supposed* to be in video form — and may still be in the future, but it’s been four months since I’ve dyed my hair or bleached my roots and my Sally’s order isn’t coming until Monday and I don’t think I can bear to edit footage of myself in such a dire state.

ANYWAY.

So I went into this year doing solidly not great. In February I was trying out new meds with some awful side effects and just trying to power through them since I didn’t like the alternatives and I wanted them to work really badly.

Spoiler alert, they didn’t.

Around the same time that I came back from visiting a friend I talked to my psychiatrist who increased the dosage, and things got bad quite quickly. As nice as it was seeing my friend, it reminded me of what a functioning human looks like and I guess it put into perspective how nonfunctioning I was in my own environment with my mental state? Which just made it worse.

I was trying to meet patreon deadlines that month but at the end of it, it went from my goal being “getting the bare minimum done for patreon” to “doing the bare minimum to exist.” And I’m not exaggerating, it was bad. Like, “I hope I don’t get committed to a hospital when I talk to a professional about this” type bad.

So that was my rock bottom point. And that was kind of refreshing? Like doing anything was a success after that because at least I was alive.

I got off the one med and after a super fun withdrawal period that led to me being awake for like 72 hours, I was put on Lithium. Which is pretty much the only thing I hadn’t tried already. So far the side effects have been OK but dosing it was slow so for a while I was on virtually no medication at all, and just slept all day.

March consisted of me buying things from Ikea so I had something to look forward to (mail deliveries) and reorganizing my sewing room (this was a mistake) and making plans (that I bailed on) with people for the future months. I didn’t pressure myself to do anything, and I really didn’t do much of anything.

And then April came. And I wasn’t a whole lot better. And I was upset about that. I had to do my taxes. I got a really bad cold that lasted three weeks. I had my birthday. I lost my health insurance.

Throughout all of this, my sewing room was a disaster zone from trying to reorganize but losing motivation part way through.

In May Posie had surgery (she is fine!) so I was taking care of her pretty intensively for a couple weeks. And then I started trying to push myself —just a half hour a day working on something even though I had 0 desire or motivation to even move.

Then I started on a new medication in combination with the Lithum and it has been working wonders so far (though it took weeks to have any effect). In June I’ve had multiple days where I got up and felt capable of tackling things. My sewing room is organized. My bathroom is clean. My laundry is done. I haven’t painted my nails in months or dyed my hair but I feel like I can do that and more (!) in July.

That sounds really silly and sad, but it’s true. I had like a two week period where one of my nails was too long and it was uncomfortable, but I couldn’t be bothered to find a pair of clippers to cut it.

I didn’t use conditioner when I showered because it was an extra action I didn’t have energy for.

For the first time in my life I was not forgetting to eat but simply unwilling to get up to find food.

I stopped replying to messages because I was doing so little I had nothing to contribute.

My brain fog was so bad I couldn’t even concentrate enough to watch youtube videos or TV shows.

I’m not saying this for sympathy, I’m just trying to paint a picture of the fact I wasn’t off having fun on this break. I wasn’t having…anything, or doing anything but existing, and I didn’t even always want to be doing that.

So yeah. Things are going better now, but I’m still probably lower than the point I was at in January.

I’m one of those people where I need momentum, if that makes sense? I think that’s how despite things being not-great for a long time, I kept moving along (if not entirely successfully, but still, I was moving.) And now I’m in a hole, and it’s going to take a bit to get back to that point –much less better than that.

And I’ve procrastinated writing this until the 30th of June because I didn’t want to come back until I was “better”. I’m tired of posting “Sorry, see you next month, it’ll be better!” updates, but I had to hope the next month would be better because otherwise what is the point?

And then I couldn’t even bring myself to write those, because it just got to be embarrassing and I felt like saying nothing at all was better than repeating myself over and over— because that is the definition of insanity, right? And I was starting to feel insane.

But I know if someone I cared enough about to support disappeared, I’d be curious if not worried about what was going on. And I’m doing well enough to give you that, at least. I’m sorry it didn’t come earlier.

I think it goes without saying that I’m skipping this month and no one will be charged, heh. As for July? I don’t want to break more promises so I’m not setting goals beyond like…showering daily, and painting my nails.

But I would like to use my now clean sewing room to sew something for the first time since February. What will that be? I don’t know. I’d just like to do something, and hopefully that will inspire me to do something else, and maybe I’ll get back to a point where I can make videos and earn money (please, my god, lol) again.

So that’s where I am right now. I hope all of you are well, and thank you for those who have stuck around —though I certainly don’t blame those who left!

Also, to be very clear: I have supportive parents, I have a roof over my head, and I have a psychiatrist who has heard the bulk of this. I have friends to talk to. I’m physically healthy, my dogs are healthy and I would never leave them. My intention with this isn’t to make anyone worry about me, just to fill in the gaps of why I’ve been gone.

I hope all of you have a good weekend! At least part of mine will be spent cleaning and setting up an above ground pool for my dog. Not my favorite activity, but she loves it and I love her.

I have rambled on for long enough I think. Thanks for reading and thanks for your support!

Angela