Journal First Day

Well, I figured I'd just start and if there is a lot of engagement maybe I'll keep doing it. For the record, nothing I'm going to share is begging for anything or like in crisis mode lol. It's just to share what's been going through my head lately and I feel like writing it down may give me peace of mind.

Lately this year, I've been worrying a lot. I was living in the Bay for 3 years and I had actually saved a lot of money. From here and my day jobs. I've always been a worker. I've put my body through so much just to provide. I think at one point I had so much money saved, but I was worried that if I died the next day I'd have all this money and no experiences with my partner and just in general.

Last year was the year I was going to let myself enjoy taking trips and just enjoying life. I had waited for so long to be able to do anything other than just work and go home. After a while it begins to feel like life is purgatory. I also spent a lot of money on dental visits finally getting 90% of my teeth repaired.

But I've noticed everything starting to dwindle and I'm afraid of heading back to the life I was living before. Since moving to San Diego, the cost of living has become much cheaper, my rent is cheaper. I'm just hoping that it starts to pivot back towards saving money again.

I enjoy each and every one of you that support me and I am extremely grateful, but I'm also worried this might not last. That's why despite what I want to do, which is just gain full-time. It's ultimately not something I can allow myself to do.

A little more everyday I can see changes in myself that I don't particularly like. Like my skin is aging. I'm tired all the time. I don't stay out and have fun as much. I've never been self-conscious, but my feet are my biggest concern lately. They are always in pain. I've had these soles that have somewhat helped, but they've already worn out.

I really don't ever think I'm going to be thin again, but I think I need to start making better choices regarding my health. I finally went to the doctor after nearly my entire life of not going. I was worried to see my results, mainly because diabetes runs in my family. Luckily, I think it's called a1c and my levels are 5.2, which I think is actually really good. So that's a relief. The negatives that were too high were pretty much all my cholesterol levels and my glucose. However, I took this blood test right after eating a Bigger Plate at Panda Express. So we're going to retest in 6 weeks. Another thing that was low, that I am personally the most upset about is my testosterone levels. Currently at a 181 and a healthy adults minimum is 265-900.

I've also been thinking about dying a lot lately. Not that I think I am going to, just the inevitability of it. That one day me and my partner and my dog will all meet our maker. I will definitely be devastated the day I have to put Celine to rest. Because of this I spend nearly every minute of every day worried that something is going to be wrong with her or she's going to choke on something or something crazy will happen. I'll get intrusive thoughts and call my partner to make sure they are ok.

I do wonder what the future will hold. What I'm going to start looking like as I get bigger. How big I'm actually going to let myself get. I know now I'm not going to stop. Every time I'm aroused I think I need to get bigger.

I also look at all these other gainers that put on hundreds of pounds and think, "Well if they can do it, so can I." I don't think I'm in a point in my life where I can ever think about turning back.


I don't worry all the time, but these are things I'm thinking about nearly everyday.