Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - [Bonus Chapter] Cole's Guide for Fanged Banana Slug Care

An Unofficial Guide to Fanged Banana Slug Care by Cole Thornfield

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[Note from Cole]: Meredeath requested that I write up a quick pamphlet on how to take care of Richard since she's been in charge of him lately, added guilt by saying her PopPop would love it (can you hear my audible sigh?). Meredeath - I hope you know I wouldn't do this for anyone. Also, fuck you, Tandy, for all your feedback and 'structure' comments. Can't a guy just make a low-effort quick reference guide? Will Leo even read this?

[Note added by Tandy]: Aunt Becky, don't read this, it's full of the 'm' word.

[Note added by Meredeath]: I doubt my friend Christina will ever see this, but avoid the movement section. More 'u' than you can tolerate.

What is a Fanged Banana Slug?

A fanged banana slug is a banana slug with fangs.

Seriously, though, what kind of question is this? Fine.

The fanged banana slug I know has a name, Richard. He's sentient and overtly opinionated. He "bonded" me, a human, which basically means I'm his [Pet]. I wouldn't expect to ever claim the slug is your [Pet], they're kind of like cats that way.

Fanged banana slugs have two decorative canines. They are a bit larger than the average banana slug, at almost a foot long. The one I know likes moisture, heat, chin scratches, judging people, and making slime. I would recommend picking a dire wolf instead if you get a chance.

Diet and Feeding

Fanged banana slugs seem to be omnivores. They will eat any sort of plant matter, including leaves, bark, wood, roots, etc. They rarely eat meat, but don't mind meat-based gravy and sauces. My slug considers himself a "sauce" connoisseur and will taste any sauce available, although cream sauces cause flatulence. Fungus is regarded as a delicacy to be savored. Don't feed them mushrooms unless you've got time for them to moan over texture and flavor profiles. My slug prefers wine cap mushrooms over other varietals.

Fanged banana slugs always seem to want food. There is no time of day or night in which they are not hungry, or might have a leaf hanging out of their mouth. Mood can absolutely be correlated to the last 'snack time.'

If you ask your fanged banana slug what they prefer to eat the most, they will respond with, "the suffering of my enemies" or “the hopes and dreams of my enemies.” However, this is a lie. They snack on the suffering of enemies and allies in equal measure.

Finally, and this is a warning. Banana slugs do not like highly salty foods, and they also do not like alcoholic drinks.

[Note added by Meredeath]: Hot peppers cause drunkenness in fanged banana slugs akin to alcohol in humans.

[Note added by Cole]: I have not personally verified this, and have zero desire to do so. Proceed with caution.

Habitat and Housing

My fanged banana slug likes moist environments. These slugs have an unusual tolerance to water, able to hold their breath for hours underwater. Unlike the hated sea slugs, they do not have any mechanism that allows them to breathe underwater. If left for over 6+ hours, your slug will drown.

My slug has a very high tolerance for heat. This may be unique to him. However, he enjoys sunbathing, being uncomfortably close to campfires, and being hit by lightning. This tolerance for heat does not extend to being cold. Fanged banana slugs will do almost anything to avoid cold environments.

In extreme environments, they have talked about going into estivation, or using a skill called [Estivation]. I have not experienced this with my slug; however, he talks about it being some sort of hibernation event.

[Note added by Leo]: I do know how to read. Also, I suggest never putting a sleeping fanged banana slug onto an icy metal surface like an axe.

[Note added by Tandy]: Don't ask any fanged banana slug for information about this. It will result in a 3-hour long tirade and two days of pouting.

Communication and Interpretation

Fanged banana slug has telepathic communication with its bonded [Pet]. This communication can be extended to [Party] members or other people with the use of additional skills, although you may regret such an extension.

Otherwise, communication is done mainly by a combination of tentacle and body posture, silence, and slime consistency and prevalence. I'd make a table, but the reality is that my fanged banana slug really only communicates six emotions, three of which are some form of annoyance.

Other emotional responses include curling his tentacles inward when he's ashamed, like that time he tried ice cream, or he'll glare at you angrily, which seems to be an indicator of affection. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Finally, his last emotion is anxiety or fear, which comes in the form of a significant increase in slime prevalence and elasticity.

[Note from Leo]: My theory is that he shows happiness by burping.

[Note from Meredeath]: Also, that rumbly purr he does when you scratch his chin.

[Note from Tandy]: He also stretches forward and leans into scratches and pets when he's happy.

[Note from Cole]: Fuck all of you, especially Richard.

Grooming and Hygiene

Fanged banana slugs take care of themselves, or at least mine does. He has a [Clean] skill that will remove most foreign substances. Additionally, he also licks himself like a cat. I haven't figured out why he does this over his [Clean] skill.

[Note from Meredeath]: Have you ever looked at his butt? You won't like the answer.

Movement

Your slug will expect to be carried everywhere by you. You are now just a slug taxi to be used as they will.

Admittedly, a slug's normal movement is a combo of slime and undulation. This is a very slow activity unless they have the skills to improve movement. When I asked Richard about this, he seemed to indicate that there's some 'universal law' that prevents slugs from getting movement enhancements.

Terms commonly associated with slug movement and my commentary: undulation (the best, but most revolting), slithering (not really true, reserved for snakes), gliding (too elegant, but okay in a pinch), squelching (/shudders, I can hear the word), slipping (more useful when using [Peel]), sliming (specific to high slime production moments), inching (too fast), schlepping (makes it sound like they're carrying something which is unlikely), glooping (makes me think of chunky slime, ew), flowing (doesn't explain how they ripple as they move) and ?.

If you have ideas, let me know.

Magical Considerations

For claiming to be [Immortal] and having the frenemies of a [Legendary] hero, my fanged banana slug doesn't seem to have a variety of skills. To date, I've experienced the following:

[Clean] - Self explanatory, he can also extend it over small objects like dishes.

[Glow Worm] - Not sure what this one is actually called, but it allows him to glow. Handy in caves, dungeons, and the digestive system of a leviathan.

"[Immortal]" - Unverified, but my slug claims to be [Immortal] because he 'hasn't died yet.' While I'll admit he's survived some interesting situations, I'm not sure that's an accurate indicator of immortality.

[Identify] - He seems to have some overpowered [Identify] skill.

[Glue] - Sticks to shit, like super strong glue.

[Enlarge] - Self-explanatory. I think this is a passive that constantly works on his ego. This skill appears to triple or quadruple his physical size for a limited time, within a monthly limit.

[Heroic Moment] - He's never told me what this does, but I think it's a buff to other active skills.

[Peel] - This is my slug's favorite skill. It doesn't seem to have a cooldown. [Peel] causes someone to slip when he's underfoot.

[Party Skills]: The slug also shares all party-related skills with his [Pet].

Dangerous Behaviors

Fanged banana slugs exhibit several frustrating and destructive behaviors that are worth noting. I'm going to list some of the more irritating things, but I know their creativity for irritation knows no bounds.

Sliming and snacking on your rations. They get into everything, especially foodstuffs. You can try preventing their snacking by wrapping foodstuffs tightly or placing them in containers. This will not work, and be warned. The slug has an innate ability to sense either the food’s worth, tastiness, or simply your desire to keep it slime-free, which causes them to target it first.

[Note from Leo]: I've had luck just letting my ration bars loose in the bottom of my bag. I don't think Richard likes lint. I've been slime-free since.

Anxiety induced irrational action. Fanged banana slugs can be particularly convincing of perceived threats like bogquackers or a [Lich] of an ex. Take their warnings seriously, but also know it's likely exaggerated.

[Peel] as a snack attack. If your fanged banana slug has the skill [Peel], it is known that they are not above using it as an avenue for attack to receive a snack. Be very wary if walking around with a sandwich that includes lettuce or cucumbers (not pickles).

Anxiety induced sliming. If you don't like moisture, you're not going to like having a slug as a companion. Generally, they produce slime, but in moments of extreme emotion, it can be like a [Water Mage] had a cosmic spell orgasm. Slime gets everywhere.

Numbing slime. This can be both positive and negative. If itchy or experiencing a wound, fanged banana slugs can produce a slime that numbs the area. However, it can also be used to numb anything without a clear reason. This can lead to forgetting a slug is on your shoulders, or a pins and needles feeling as the effect ends.

Ego-assaulting commentary. While I'm sure my slug thinks his comments are 'helpful,' it can be tough at times to put up with his judgment about my decisions. And there's no way to shut him out, outside of going out of range of his telepathic abilities.

Enrichment

As far as I can tell, my slug likes: scratches and pets, food, heat, gossip and drama, causing drama, and cutting commentary.

[Note from Tandy]: He also loves a game called "Let's Annoy Cole."

[Note from Meredeath]: And snuggles.

[Note from Cole]: Fuck both of you.

Emergency Protocols

Hangry - A hangry slug is no joke. They can and will use their fangs on you. My recommendation is to throw plant matter at them, or if they're particularly cranky, try an emergency mushroom. I would suggest having one on hand at any moment; however, half the time my slug secretly eats it before I get to it.

Slime Removal - Slime will get everywhere. To remove most slime stains, scrape off any excess slime, then apply soap. However, for [Glue] stains, it will look like, well, you can imagine. For those, I would suggest a white vinegar-water solution. You’ll smell, but folks won’t look at you like you’re covered in something else.

Flaking Skin - If your slug's skin gets dry enough to flake, this is a sign of poor health. It is essential to keep their environment moist and to coax them into eating. If they refuse to eat, try stroking their ego and applying false compassion (it's hard to be genuine).

Old Flames and Other Threats - If your fanged banana slug has been around a long time, chances are they've made more enemies than friends. Be cautious when approaching individuals who may have known them throughout their long life. Generally, I've found my slug to be very straightforward about his anxiety about these people, or to be incredibly secretive. Either activity should worry you.

Class and Skill Offerings - Be suspicious if your slug wants you to take any specific classes or skills. They usually have an ulterior motive that may or may not be of your benefit.

Being a Jerk - If anyone who reads this manual knows how to make your slug be less of a jerk, please, please let me know.

[Note from Leo]: I wouldn't mind knowing either. We're [Your Mom's Party] from Woodsten.

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[Note from Cole]: There, done. If Meredeath’s PopPop doesn’t like it, he can babysit Richard and rewrite it himself.

[Slime Stain]: [Translated] 3/10 could use less snark and more snacks.