Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 26: In Hindsight

My ex-girlfriend would tell you that timing wasn't one of my strong suits.

As I watched Meredeath's face change from a warm greeting to horror at the atrocity barreling down on her, I had to agree.

The portal winked closed behind her as Malyc removed his key.

Fuck.

The Guild Administrator blinked slowly, as though coming out of a trance.

The corrupted guardian dropped a clawed paw right in the middle of Meredeath’s chest, pinning her to the ground. Unable to stop, the bear charged right into the archway. The impact shoved its broad shoulders through, but jammed the beast between the magical columns; neither torso nor hips could fit.

I couldn’t decide if the bear had expanded that much, or now that the column’s magic was dormant, if it’d shrunk. Either way, the bear was stuck. The ground shook as it tried to free itself. It was stuck temporarily. I had no doubt the former guardian would be loose again soon.

Getting to my feet, I scrambled to the last known location of Meredeath, which was now the tattered hind end of the bear.

She was gone.

"Will someone help me?" Meredeath screeched from an improbable position.

The bear began pulling, trying to unstick itself. Tentatively, I stepped closer to the beast, trying to piece together where exactly Meredeath's voice was coming from.

Rotted fur hung from steel ribs as I tried not to smell it. Dark magic whirled beneath its bones. The ominous, hot-pink tendrils of corruption reached for me as I leaned into the mass, trying to find Meredeath.

I reached in, the corruption burning my hands as I searched.

I found one of her boots, my hand scrabbled against the leather until I latched onto a dangling chain and pulled. With an unheard pop, I was able to get her out from under the beast. Every one of her defensive enchantments had triggered. Her lace bracers glowed, the skull amulet sparked, and her skin shimmered with magic.

Her pale skin looked sunburnt from the proximity of the corruption.

I stared at her in shock as she broke the silence, "A hello would be nice."

Meredeath patted herself, as though checking to make sure she was all there. She looked stunning, the sun reflecting on her teal hair. Green eyes sparkling under her dark eyeliner. The fishnet bracers and leggings were whole, without a snag. Even the new pinkish tan looked good.

The corrupt guardian struggled next to us, but I was so grateful Meredeath was whole, the whole world melted away.

"You're alive?" I asked it like a question, even though the answer was standing right in front of me. All the emotion I’d boxed up in the dungeon threatened to spill out. She was alive, and I hadn’t completely failed her.

The bear roared, trying to stand up on its hind legs, and it slammed its back into the top of the arch. Dust choked the air. We didn’t have long.

"Well, I am for a few more minutes," Meredeath said, taking a step back from the former guardian. “I survived the Dunglord for the second time only to get run over by an undead taxidermy? What the hell, Cole?”

I looked over to Malyc for help. He was a senior administrator for the Adventurer's Guild after all. The mighty guild representative was running away from us. He disappeared into the only modern building on the ridge, a small shack used to house any attending guild representatives. It wouldn’t last three seconds against the bear.

Shrugging, I said, “Welcome to [Your Mom’s Party]?” I gave her my best cheesy grin. She rolled her eyes at me. “Personally, I’m choosing to blame Richard.”

You would, you cretin. See if I jump in front of the next deathblow for you.

Meredeath raised an eyebrow, “His mood’s improved, I see.” Looked like she could still hear him.

The guardian shook, trying to dislodge itself. The magic runes on the arch flared as though trying to hold the gate together. Time was running short.

“We’ve got a plan. Sort of.” Her eyes narrowed, and I gave an apologetic wave at the rest of the party. Leo and Ched looked like two marble heroes, all muscle and poise, standing guard over Tandy’s tree. She was two-thirds of the way up in a fir, fiddling with some rope.

“What about you?” Her voice had a steely quality, as though if the bear dared to mess with me, there would be consequences from her.

“I’m fine. The corrupted guardian is attached to me. We’ve got a plan, but the plan won’t work if I’m worried about you.”

“If the plan doesn’t work, we’re going to have words,” she threatened with a grin. We both knew if the plan didn’t work, it was doubtful any of us would be alive to talk. Meredeath threw one last comment over her shoulder as she started walking toward the rest of the party. “And Cole? We really need to figure out this odd attachment you have to strange creatures."

I started to protest. They were attached to me! But she took off before I could spit out my argument.

I turned back to the bear, feeling good for the first time in the fight. Meredeath was back. The team was whole. We even had a pan-wielding Ched on our side; things were looking better than ever.

If Leo hadn’t been able to do much damage with his axe, maybe the key was blunt damage? I looked at my trusty hammer and decided it was worth a try.

Winding up, I swung, shouting my skill, “[Hammer Time]!” Instead of delivering the expected three rapid strikes, my skill fizzled, providing a dull spank to the meaty rear end of the beast.

A notification was triggered.

[Skill Failure: [Smith] skill [Hammer Time] delivers a triple hit to a metal medium. The target does not meet the criteria. Cooldown is tripled for skill failure. You have [1 hour] before [Hammer Time] is available.]

“Spank it harder!” Leo yelled, laughing from across the ridge. No failure goes unpunished in [Your Mom’s Party].

The bear wasn’t metal all the way through, damn it.

Why couldn’t my skills work when I needed them to?

The creature turned its head, one baleful eye focused on me. With renewed vigor fueled by what I suspected might be indignation, it thrashed at the gate trying to get unstuck.

I backed away as I saw the arch begin to pull up from its foundation.

"Tandy, hurry up!" I called and started running down the stairs toward my friends.

Tandy looked at me, frowning. Her hands looked like she was playing an elaborate game of cat's cradle. Knowing Tandy, this was a good sign. It meant she'd had an idea and was thinking it through. Her crazy plans tended to work.

The bad news bear, in this instance, was that our corrupted guardian would be free and headed toward me before she was ready. I scanned the countryside, noting Richard slowly gliding towards Tandy. He was such a great help.

I took off, deciding a lap around the lake for my health would be worthwhile. I was counting on the bear's continuing rage at me. Why were they always focused on me? I needed to develop some defensive skills, such as healing or at least running, if 'object of ire' was going to be my role on the team. The path down to the lake was steep, and I slowed my descent as my feet threatened to send me face-first down the incline. Roots and loose rock littered the path.

The lake was glacier-fed, shallow, and cold. It looked serene until a bellow and crack sent ripples through the still water. I glanced back to see that my foe had finally broken free from the portal arch as it shattered in an explosion of rock and green magic.

Blinded for a second, I hoped the explosion took care of the twisted guardian.

My hopes sank as the dust cloud took on the angry pink glow of the bear. A gust of wind cleared the air, revealing the bear standing calmly on its hind legs, snout sniffing as though trying to find my scent.

The beast’s lip curled in a guttural snarl as its eye focused on me. Prey identified, the beast took off. Its claws tore at the ground, kicking up dust and debris.

If it caught me, I was dead.

At least it wasn't going after Tandy.

Clipping my hammer, I took off, realizing I hadn’t gained nearly a sufficient distance from the monster. I wasn’t sure there was a safe place in the entire realm from the hate in its face.

The ground was soggy, overgrown with reeds that bounced as I circled to the far side of the lake. Water trickled under the last bit of seasonal glacier that clung to the shadowed side of the bowl. I slid to a halt, my boots digging into the loose ice crystals as I turned to look.

The corrupted guardian was flying down the ravine in perfect unison with the terrain. It reached the edge of the lake in record time, and stared at me. This was the moment of decision: did it go around the right side of the lake, closer to the cliff edge, or to the left, where ice still clung to the edges and the ground gave way into a bog?

The bear whuffed, its hot breath visible in the cool mountain air. I was ready to sprint, and my foe realized it.

Every breath, every second, was one more moment Tandy had to get set.

I made as though I was going to run to the right, along the cliff edge and the outflow of the lake. As the bear jerked in that direction, I reversed as though I was going to run towards the bog. It was the most ridiculous fake-out for a game of tag. Except the player who was 'it' was going to rip my throat out if it caught me.

Finally, the predator made up its mind, and it started wading out into the lake. I hadn't even considered this a valid choice, as it moved slowly, as though stalking me from the water.

I evaluated my two options.

I started edging towards the cliffside. The beast's trajectory changed to cut off my escape. I hesitated a moment too long, and the corrupted guardian bounded forward in the water, splashing in my direction. Two more leaps and it'd be on me.

I bolted in pure panic. No plan. Just instincts and a silent prayer to the Everbear.

I danced along the cliffside, hopping from boulder to boulder. One slip meant a one-way trip down the waterfall into the valley below. My ankle throbbed as I leapt with the bear breathing down my neck.

I dove under a paw, landing hard. The bear, off-balance from the missed swipe, teetered on the cliff’s edge.

I grabbed my hammer, sensing an opportunity.

Swinging, I didn’t attempt a skill after the last failure. A meaty smack fulfilled Leo’s earlier wish.

The bear's head whipped around. My hit hadn't moved it an inch. The bear scrambled on the edge of the cliff, slowly regaining its footing. Angry pink magic pulsed through the rips in its hide. In between pulses, I could see through the ribcage, mechanical whirls fueled by a sickly red stain inked along the runes that powered the creature.

The beast pivoted, ready to finish me off. I closed my eyes, resigned.

The final blow never came. Instead, a wet squelch sounded as the rock the bear stood on gave way. It tumbled backwards, claws flailing.

Not waiting, I turned and ran. I had gained seconds, and I wasn’t going to waste them. No part of me believed it was over.

One heartbeat passed. Then two.

I was still alive. A glance confirmed that the undead beast was fighting for purchase on the cliffside. It wasn't down, but I might have enough time to make it to Tandy.

Dignity forgotten, I scrambled up the path on all fours. A triumphant bellow echoed, I’d run out of time. My heart pounded, counting down the seconds I had left. I had to move.

Once I crested the bowl, a welcome sight greeted me. Tandy and Leo waved me frantically towards them in the tree line.

The new trap was ready. All I had to do was survive the last twenty yards. My lungs wheezed, my legs burned.

Run, you fool!

I was running. Five yards.

I could see Richard sunbathing on a rock between me and Tandy’s trap.

Four yards.

His tentacles waved in the sun, slime glistening.

My heart pumped in my ears.

Tandy was shouting.

A wet paw hit the back of my pack, sending me sprawling forward. My face ate gravel as I rolled towards my target.

Twisting, I looked up. The bear stood before me. Fate. Doom. The end.

At least I was an [Adventurer]?

Do I have to do everything?

Richard's whiny voice broke through my terror.

You literally have one job: don’t die. And you’re terrible at it.