Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 20: Blockage

"Tandy, a little help with these?" Meredeath was ineffectively trying to carve up one of my old shirts with her dagger.

Digging through her pack furtively, Tandy pulled out a legendary item I never thought would leave her studio.

"Is that your fabric scissors?!" I scrambled forward to get a better look. I'd heard the story. Leo had borrowed her scissors to go mushroom hunting. The two wouldn't speak to each other for a month after the tongue-lashing Tandy gave him.

Looking at them, I couldn't see what the fuss was. They were metal scissors with shiny black handles. Sure, they looked sharp, but worth an enchanted pouch?

"If I catch either of you with these in your hands, you will regret it." I watched her cut through my shirt like butter. They were sharp, I'd give her that.

I could tell Leo had already accepted the challenge of swiping her scissors. He could never resist poking her when she got wound up about something.

"Tie these tight. I can't explain just how bad it smells down there." Meredeath handed me a strip of cloth to use as a mask, "Double, triple the fabric. Fold it as many times as you can still breathe through."

I'm so jealous right now.

"Can't we make some masks for you?" I asked, my voice muffled as I tied the mask off.

I smell through my top tentacles, which also help me see. His body quivered, mental voice dry. I will never unsmell this place.

The more I learned about slug biology, the less I understood it.

"Is your sense of smell that powerful?" All I could smell was the foul breath that'd lingered around us since we entered the [Trial Dungeon].

Richard bobbed a tentacle in the universal sign for yes.

"This whole place must be slug nightmare fuel." I expected dungeons to be gross, but I hoped this one was an outlier.

It makes one wonder.

"Are we ready to go?" Meredeath's voice pulled us out of our private chat. Tandy was putting her scissors away in the enchanted pouch worth more than a year’s rent.

I looked at [Your Mom's Party] like an outsider, trying to measure if we were up to the challenge.

Tandy's braids had returned to their impeccable norm. Everything else was spotted with saliva and stains. She held daggers awkwardly in both hands. The glint in her eyes told me she was ready, even if she was clearly unprepared.

Meredeath was weaponless, holding the [Progress Key] in one hand. The black of her outfit somehow stayed unmarred by the dungeon. Straps and chains and tears all looking somehow sexier for the general dishevelment. She touched the amulet on her chest, checking to ensure it was still there.

Leo held his double-bladed axe in front of him, a grin on his face. He'd cut the top of the pink sweater, claiming it was choking him in combat. So now it had a rugged V-neck with some of his chest hair sticking out. Even in Tandy's sweater, he looked like a veteran [Adventurer].

And finally, me. And Richard, can’t forget the slug. I held my hammer with both hands to hide my shaking. Slime had gotten into my boots, and I wondered if I'd packed extra socks. Richard, well, Richard sat like a slug on my shoulders: all confidence, no consequence.

"Let's go." Meredeath held the [Progress Key] in the air.

Nothing happened.

Leo and I exchanged smiles as Tandy went over to help. The two women conversed in low tones.

Tell them to hold it in the air and do a jig.

“I will not,” I whispered, trying not to laugh.

“You got to twist it,” Meredeath exclaimed as a shimmering gold portal appeared.

Richard dry heaved as we stepped through, and I agreed. None of Meredeath's descriptions of the cavern prepared me for the landscape.

It smelled. It smelled not just of shit, but of every type of decay. Like the wet, earthy compost at work, the sheep manure on a damp spring day, and a carcass rotting in the sun.

"You'll get used to it," Meredeath said with a grimace, "sort of."

This creature needs to rethink its diet.

The walls exuded the magical light all of the dungeon had, but these pulsed, brightening and dimming. It made the space lighten into a pink. More than any other space, I felt that this place was alive.

Piles of unidentifiable food remnants littered the floor. A burbly orifice blooped and squelched in one corner, releasing a sulfurous gas.

A wet slurp sounded ahead of us. We stepped forward as a group, each footstep chosen carefully between piles of decay and the slick, glistening floor.

"I saw the demon in the next fold," Meredeath whispered. I realized she'd described what I hadn't grasped. The cavern we were in tapered to a fold, turning so sharply that we couldn't see what was next. This really was the rear end of the creature's digestive tract.

One by one, we took turns peeking into the next cavern. I was last, patiently trying to glean some hint at each person’s expression after they saw it. Leo'd been downright giddy, while Tandy had looked thoughtful.

I tipped my head slowly around the crease. The next cavern was similar. Nothing stood out except what I assumed was the Golgothan. It was so much smaller than I expected. Almost cute, if that word could ever be used to describe a mobile pile of poo.

The creature was the size of a dog. It slithered between two different orifices, collecting gas.

I ducked back, joining the huddle.

"I can take that out with one swing of my axe." Leo was probably right. The pile of excrement may have come up to my hip.

"This shit stinks of a trap." Tandy turned to Meredeath, "Is that creature what you thought was a boss?"

"Well, I didn't explore further than this chamber. It's a shit monster. Just because it's small doesn't mean it’s not deadly." Watching her rip through the stomach parasites, I agreed. "Hey Cole, does Richard have anything to say?"

I agree with them both, there's more to this than Leo killing that sentient ooze.

I guess they were done with talking to each other directly. I relayed his message back to the team.

We debated various plans, but ultimately settled for Leo's original plan.

He charged in, axe swinging, and smacked it with the side of his blade. The axe went straight through the creature as it exploded in a splatter. Leo started coughing hard as a thick smell of sulfur hit our nostrils. Otherwise, nothing happened. The room didn't shudder in protest, no giant granddaddy poo exploded from the floor. The orifices just burbled and popped.

Leo held his axe ready as we walked forward. A distant slurp sounded.

"I hate to admit it, but it looks like I was wrong? I guess?" Tandy said wearily, as she scanned the room for danger.

"This is going to be-"

"Shut up, Leo. Just keep that thought to yourself." Meredeath locked him down.

The second chamber was much like the first. The floor was littered with decay, a bit slimier, and double the burbling orifices, but nothing remarkable. The walls still pulsed eerily, as though beckoning us to continue.

I snuck forward, looking first this time. A slightly larger brown ooze slowly glurped along.

This one absorbed any sticky, decaying matter in its path. Each collection caused it to swell, adding to its overall mass.

"Assuming this isn't a trap, we should move quickly on this monster. The longer we wait, the bigger it's going to get." I brought back my nugget of wisdom.

The three went together to peek. Richard had curled up, stuffing his head into my collar. The increase in smell caused him to tap out in this room.

I could have predicted what came next.

"Leo, no!"

"This'll be no problem!"

Leo disappeared into the next chamber, followed by a loud smack.

Silence.

The lack of catastrophe almost made it worse. I joined Meredeath and Tandy in examining the room. Leo was proudly shaking off his axe. The walls pulsed at seemingly the same rate. The floor was a little shinier with a little more squelch to each step, but otherwise fine.

Richard popped a tentacle out to look around.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

The next room held long, slimy strands hanging from the ceiling. With no discernible monster, we sent Leo first. I told myself he wanted the job. The curtains of mucus almost parted for him until he reached the middle of the room, when they collapsed on him like he'd triggered a bear trap.

Tandy and Meredeath leapt into action, cutting through the mucus. Leo looked frantic, but I could tell through [Partial Rapport] that although he was losing life, it wasn't rapid. I kept my hammer out, on guard for an ambush.

It wasn't until the fifth room that Richard put it together for us.

The promised Golgothan sat in the fifth room. I looked around the fold to find a creature resembling a stack of the biggest cow patties to disgrace a pasture. A yellow miasma of sulfurous gas billowed out from several small blowholes on its back. The floor was covered in sludge and debris, which pulsed in the same tempo as the walls.

Is that the slime from the last room?

I watched as the slime we'd cut away pooled around the creature’s base, creeping up and coating it like a gelatinous armor.

Oh shit, we just gave it weapons, and mass, and armor.

Of course, it was made of our hubris. In a dungeon, overconfidence was a deadly sin.

"It wasn't that hard to kill the mini creatures. This guy is just a collection of everything I already defeated." Leo insisted, twisting his axe in his hand so the blades spun.

"Yeah, but you're the only one who damaged those things. What are the rest of us going to do?"

He shrugged as if to say, Do I really need your help?

In the end, we formulated a basic plan.

Meredeath stepped into the room first. She'd slipped on what she claimed were bracers. They looked like beaded black laces that went from the base of her fingers up her forearm.

"Hey turd!" she shouted at it, "You ready to go down the drain?"

The Golgothan didn't reply, but the floor rippled as though insulted on the demon's behalf.

Wham! A geyser of filth erupted under her feet, throwing her across the room.

"I've got Meredeath!" Tandy shouted, running to our ally.

Leo twirled his axe, "It's my turn." He charged forward with his axe singing.

He carved into the creature’s flank, the blade sinking halfway in with a squelch.

Straining, he pulled at the axe, trying to dislodge it. His tugs were futile. The axe kept sinking into the monster’s body.

"Leo, move!" I called, swinging hard through the center.

No resistance. My hammer hit nothing but jelly.

Completely overextended, I couldn’t stop the counter.

A surge of putrid waste slammed into my face.

Richard went flying. I hit the ground hard, vision doubling, as I rolled. My hammer vanished into the muck.

Bulbous growths appeared on its chest. Several grew rapidly, threatening to burst.

Leo's weapon began to shake loose.

Leo tugged harder. Meredeath was up, knife in hand, she threw.

It hit right in the chest, exploding a bubble.

Sulfurous gas enveloped Leo. Blinded, he staggered away.

"Cole, grab Leo's axe!" Tandy yelled. Leo’s axe was two-thirds gone. We were going to lose it if I didn’t do something.

I ran forward. Unarmed. Desperate. My foot slipped.

I smacked into the ground hard. The Golgothan loomed over me.

That's my hero!

"Richard, don't be a-"

Splat.

Something landed on my head. Heavy. Wet.

Everything faded.

[You, Cole Thornfield, are [Dead].]