Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 13: Chew Toy

A discolored cuspid hit the ground with a splat, turning our attention away from Meredeath's disappearing form. It sank tooth first into the spongy floor of the dungeon.

The cuspid's roots morphed into legs only to wave frantically in the air. It looked like an overturned beetle unable to flip itself right side up. I watched in odd fascination.

I unclipped my hammer. The dark, charred ash handle’s familiarity in my hand was reassuring.

I ran forward. Bringing my hammer up, I triggered [Nailed It]. The aim and velocity of my blow would double.

I aimed for the weakest part of any object, the joint. The four root leg segments came together in a divot in the tooth’s center. The head of my hammer smacked the joint exactly.

The monster sank with the hit, some of the impact absorbed by the squishy floor before the whole thing shattered.

Tooth and chitin fragments flew as my hammer and arm were coated in monster guts.

“I found their weakness!” I shouted triumphantly as I watched two additional teeth push themselves out of the gumline behind Leo.

Richard shifted. I felt the light tapping of a tentacle.

I’m just patting you on the back. Now, all you have to do is flip each of these and hit them perfectly with [Nailed It] on cooldown for the next fifteen minutes.

"Do we stay or follow Meredeath?" Tandy asked, and I could tell she hoped to follow Meredeath despite my success. She didn't have enough health points to make any battle trivial.

Leo held his double-bladed axe, eyeing the mobile tooth crustations. We exchanged a look that mirrored my thoughts. Even just hitting them straight on, how hard could this be?

I’d stepped back towards my friends as two teeth ran up to their fallen comrade.

“Ready?” Leo asked, with a feral grin. He didn’t wait for me to nod, running towards the root canal. “It’s time to pull a tooth!”

Still covered in the viscera of my last victim, I followed Leo with a little less enthusiasm.

Leo had gone for the tooth on the left, which left the canine on the right for me. The tooth braced as I raised my hammer.

There were no obvious weak joints, so I aimed for a hit.

The hammer came down with the might of a former [Smith] apprentice.

It smacked hard.

Vibration burned through my arms painfully as the hammer rebounded explosively off the tooth’s crown.

It was all I could do to hold on as the hammer head swung backwards over my head, almost braining Richard in the process.

Watch where you swing that thing!

I fell backwards, off-balanced by the unexpected result. As I sank into the slimy floor, I couldn’t take my eyes off the nightmare fuel in front of me.

Cracks raced along the face of the cuspid. Two dark cavities opened, revealing inset red eyes.

My blood froze, my self-preservation instincts blared in alarm to run.

A third crack split horizontally, revealing the serrated maw of a predator.

It grinned.

"The teeth have teeth!" I yelled like an idiot.

Chomp.

The tooth bit deep into the leather of my boot, grazing my foot.

I swung my hammer with one hand across my prone body. The edge of the hammer skittered off the tooth ineffectually.

It bit deeper, this time breaking into the top of my foot.

The searing pain made me gasp.

Instinctively, I yanked my leg. If I lost the boot, so be it.

The root canal held on, legs trundling forward like a dog with a chew toy. Teeth biting even harder to keep its prize.

My health bar dipped as my flesh gave.

I thrashed in its jaws as it played tug of war over my foot.

Richard clung to my shoulder, riding me like I was a wild bull. The useless slug.

Leo fended off his attack, swinging the flat of his axe in a pattern that kept the teeth away. Tandy stood by the esophagus of the dungeon, fiddling with the draw of her bag.

No help was coming, so I decided to save myself.

I kicked out with my right foot. Not in the tough enamel but right in the teeth.

As I made contact, the teeth shifted like loosened baby teeth.

The creature’s eyes widened in pain.

I bent my right leg and put all my strength into another firm stomp. I aimed at the front row of teeth that disappeared into my boot.

This time, the teeth went flying. It was the root canal’s turn to stagger backwards. Its mouth was agape, as the whole row of top teeth was missing.

With a whimper, the monster retreated to the gathering horde. It kept eye contact with me, hatred boiling in its eyes as it disappeared into the dozen root canals.

My foot ached. Blood and saliva mixed as it oozed out of the holes in my boot.

I pulled myself up slowly, watching Leo. If another root canal attacked, I wanted to be on my feet.

Leo swung his axe sideways, smacking the carnivorous tooth with the flat of the head. It flew through the air, bouncing into a row of dormant teeth.

"Any luck?" I asked, shifting weight off my injured foot.

"I think I can kill them if I hit it right through the middle," Leo said, determination written in every line of his face.

More teeth dropped from the ceiling.

The roots transform into legs as soon as they hit the floor.

These weren't molars.

The teeth were coming for us, and I wanted to opt out of this dental emergency.

"Go for it, man." My foot throbbed as the fetid smell of rot grew. Leo could be the hero. Although I was beginning to doubt we were going to survive this fight. Maybe Meredeath had been right after all.

Leo spun his axe before him, looking like an entire wrecking crew. He stepped forward as though he were our elected champion.

I limped towards Tandy, clipping my hammer onto my belt. Every step made me wince.

Her auburn braids glistened in slime as she fought with her pack, trying to pull a length of coiled rope from the bottom. With one eye on Leo, I knelt to assist her.

The unnatural light of the cavern shone off Leo’s axe, the edge glowing in a deadly promise as it whirled through the air.

He looked like the heroic champion, muscles flexing under Tandy's yellow sweater.

“I’ve got this,” I whispered to Tandy, taking over the tangled mess in her bag. Without asking questions, she left me with the bag as her focus turned to the other end of the rope.

Tandy lassoed the end, then tried to wedge the loop around one of the large molars.

Leo stared down the army of root canals, as though he could take them all. Maybe he could.

My hands shuffled through Tandy’s pack, moving the rest of her possessions out of the tangle. With effort I found the other end and pried the whole wad out. With the end in one hand, I worked on untangling the mess.

I couldn’t believe how much rope she’d fit in her pack as loop after loop untangled. I’m sure it was some skill, [Infinite Tangle], or otherwise overpowered.

Saliva dripped from hidden glands as the dungeon's tongue twitched uncomfortably.

The gaping holes left by the root canals oozed blood and mucus. Everything felt hotter, like an infection had taken root in the mouth. The sentient teeth seemed unbothered. They bumped into each other, all eyes on Leo, as they gathered courage to attack.

Finally, I’d reached the end of the knots, throwing the complete coil to Tandy. She gave me a small smile as she sawed a length of the lasso between the molars like a reluctant bit of floss.

My attention returned to Leo as he rode a ripple in the floor forward. His calf muscles danced, balancing perfectly.

One well-worn tooth stepped forward on nimble claws. It sat, an unlikely champion, with rounded enamel and a stout frame.

Leo, muscles bulging like a bronzed god as the whirl of his axe changed. The pattern elongated building higher to give more heft to an attack.

He stood, feet set, towering above the small root canal. The [Enchanted Axe of Singing] whistled as it came down, blade hungry.

The sharpened edge of the axe hit the little monster square. The creature sank into the ground, and to my horror, shifted. The axe head was turning to slide off the top of the monster.

With most of Leo’s momentum, the axe plunged into the dungeon’s fleshy tongue in a spray of blood.

Tandy and I didn't have a chance to react, as the dungeon howled. A gust of wind blew, moist and angry from the dungeon’s throat.

Leo stood tugging valiantly at his axe, trying to free it from the floor.

His foe, barely over knee-height, ran straight at him. With a malicious grin, it aimed for maximum damage. In the last second, the creature lowered its head and triggered a skill.

The asshole accelerated forward hitting Leo right in the family jewels.

Ouch, that had to hurt.

Leo doubled over, clutching himself. The root canal backed away, bumping into the axe still embedded in the floor. The dungeon howled in pain again.

This time, the floor under my feet gave.

With Tandy’s pack clutched in one hand, I watched helplessly as the tongue of the dungeon flexed.

Root canals flew in all directions, as a roll of the tongue pinned me to the roof of the mouth. Smothered, I began to suffocate.

My lungs didn’t have to wait long, as I was rolled along the ridges of the mouth, then casually tossed back. Swallowed without consent.

My fall was messy. As a kid, my favorite pastime had been swinging off a rope into the local swimming hole. My mom made sure we knew how to swim as soon as we mastered walking. In the summers, we'd sneak off with her unofficial blessing to amuse ourselves endlessly in the creek. I fell in love with the swing of that rope. Hanging on to the knot until I hit the maximum arc of the swing. Letting go, and for a few seconds, I flew.

This was nothing like that. It was a slimy cartwheel, as the tunnel forced me down through gravity and muscle. I spread my arms, trying to catch tension on something to slow my descent.

The tunnel walls glowed, as though only a bit of flesh separated me from the creature's soul.

If I closed my eyes, I could feel the pulse of Richard clinging to me.

My fingers flexed, searching for purchase in the sinew, but it was useless.

Everything was slick.

My hand caught a bone pressing against the tunnel. Scrambling for a grip, the esophagus undulated.

My fingers clawed.

I dug into a bit of sinew, twisting my hand to hold on, but my weight pulled me down. My grip broke with a pop.

Nothing held.

I fell head over heels over slug tentacles. Catching glimpses of Tandy above.

Finally, the tunnel began to narrow, my descent slowing. The flesh sagged, slowing me further as I approached a hole only a couple of feet wide. I spread my feet wide, my injured foot throbbing, as my descent slowed. I stood, feet on both sides of a bottomless chasm.

"Well, I'm not dead ye-" my words cut off as Tandy slammed into us.

What precarious hold I had on the ledge evaporated.

Tandy screamed as I tumbled into the abyss.