Fear Not The Elf Who Knows 10,000 Spells - Chapter 30

Time continued to pass. Things... became better somewhat.

The rooms being constructed for the new kids were finished. The matron got worker for the farm, volunteers from town that wanted to help. The oldest kids would join them.

The rest of the older kids took over looking after the younger ones. The older ones saw it as a break, an easy job. It... relieved a lot of the pressure on me. They thanked me a lot for being so dependable so far.

Looking at the orphanage living situation from a further away point of view, perhaps I was stuck in my own head too much.

As much as it hurt to admit that.

I even had more free time to practice magic again. More than that, because of Rein's help, I could even used magic around the kids without them breaking into hives. Thankfully Flamme's (seriously, what the fuck?) advise had started me off a lot in that direction, so thankfully Rein wasn't hurt. And I trained, moving my mana so, so damn slowly that I didn't cause her hypersensitivity to trigger, except once by mistake.

Seeing her in pain, but trying to keep quiet, once as one too many times. I didn't fail again after that, and she was happier for it, since she loved watching me do cast spells.

But in all that time, Flamme's words, her question stuck in my mind. Because once it was spoken the unconscious thoughts were visible, and I couldn't forget or ignore them.

"The way you're acting, the stress you're under, it's like you've dealt with it before but became free of it, and now because it is back it became so agonizing to handle."

I've never been under stress in being in the orphanage before, of having chores, or being depended on.

In this life that is.

But not in my previous life.

===x===

"Remember, [Trenn], you're the man of the house. And the real man looks after everyone else, alright."

"Yesh, momma!"

I remembered smiling at that, because being the one depended on is what heroes and knights are.

===x===

I was the youngest of my siblings. The single boy in the house.

===x===

"Hey [Trenn], wanna help me you? My friends are waiting for me, can you take over my chores?"

"Umm..."

I had wanted to play with the ball in the backyard.

"Come on, good boys help help out their families. And wanna know something I never told anyone? You're the most responsible person I know."

"OK!"

===x===

The first lesson I was inundated with, was that you're only good if you're helpful. You're only loved if you're useful.

I didn't learn this with words, but with actions.

===x===

"Aww, that's a pretty picture. You're gonna be an artist when you grow up, [Trenn]."

"Maybe." I smiled at that. Praise for a hobby I picked up. Something I was slowly but surely getting better at—

"Come on, [Eldest Sister], don't put stuff like that in his head. Just leave a fun hobby to be a fun hobby." Said [Older Sister].

...Yeah. It was just a hobby. Not work. But... she didn't have to say it in that tone.

===x===

I didn't learn this with words, but with actions.

===x===

"You want to get into arts school? Come on, [Trenn], stop joking. You need to study for a real job to support this family."

"But—"

"It can be a fun side thing, but it can't be your main income. You need something serious. Besides, do you really see yourself being good enough to make money for your drawings?"

"..."

"[Trenn], that wasn't a rhetorical question."

"...No, mom."

===x===

And that's how it was. My time was never my own. My life was not my own.

===x===

"[Trenn] I said get a job." My mom said firmly.

"This is a job. It can be a job. It's so easy now to be able to make money from art, that even someone above average can make it into a steady paycheck?"

"Uh huh, how is that?"

"There's this website and—"

"[Trenn] those are a scam. I thought I raised you to be smarter than that."

"It works! It's a real thing. If I can just show you...!" I expected her to keep refusing.

"Okay, then show me." Somehow that didn't feel reassuring. I explained to her as best as I could on how the process can work, but... "How much do the best artist can make on this?"

"Well..." I showed her the best paid ones.

"[Trenn], honey, be honest. Is your drawing as good as that?"

"No, but with time and practice—"

"Time that you don't have, dear. Maybe as something extra that can help, but this doesn't come before an actual steady job. I can't just freeload you till you get good and famous enough to make money from this. And things like this can fall apart at any moment in the future. [Trenn], please be reasonable. Think about me and your sisters. Your uncle [---]," I don't remember... want to remember any of their names. "Is trying to send his kids to college and is asking us for help too? We have too many obligations, [Trenn]."

"..." Who is this 'we'? And immediately I feel like a douche in my own mind, and the guilt comes.

"[Trenn]?"

"...Fine. Yeah, you're right."

===x===

"Hey [Trenn], we're out of groceries. Can you go to [Eldest Sister]'s house to get some. I already called her to order some stuff, so it just needs to be picked up."

"...Why did you tell me earlier so I'd prepare?"

Why do you keep surprising me with chores? Can't you give me time to mentally reschedule things?

"What? You're still looking for a job, aren't you? Did you have something planned?"

"I... I was gonna spend today to draw. I wanna get back into it."

"You said that last month. Did you do anything in that time? Can you please stop guilt tripping me every time I ask you for a favor!"

"Okay, fine! I'm going!"

===x===

"Sooo? How are things between you and [Girlfriend]?" Asked [Eldest Sister]

She reminds me of you. It's dreadful.

"...It's fine. Going great."

"Is something wrong with her?"

"No, no. There's nothing. Honest."

She feels draining to be around.

"You know [Girlfriend] is a serious person. You finally got that managerial job, so she knows you're a stable person, but if you want this to work out, you can't be wishy-washy with her."

"I know." I tried to say firmly so the conversation would end.

"I meant proposing to her. It's been two years now."

"We'll see."

"Are you just saying things so I'll stop talking?!"

"..."

"Fine. Do whatever you want. You want to ruin the good things in your life, go ahead."

[Girlfriend] became [Wife] three months later.

===x===

"Wow, the opening today was great. [Eldest Sister] actually has an art gallery. Someone else in our family is an artist. Who could have seen the day?" My mom said with cheer as I was driving us back home.

"Guess artistic talent runs in your family, huh, [Trenn]?" [Wife] said with a laugh.

"Haha, yeah." I smiled. I laughed.

...I wasn't bitter.

"Everything okay?" [Wife] asked.

"Just focusing on the road."

I was happy for my sister. Really.

...I just wonder why she's living the life I wish I had. Why I didn't stick with drawing longer?

===x===

"Oh wow, you're still drawing?" [Wife] asked years later.

"Yeah."

"...It's nice."

"It's not good yet, I know." I smiled back.

"Are you going to come for the Parent-Teacher Conference?"

The only right answer is to say 'yes'.

I sometimes wish a catastrophe happens at work so I'd say 'no'.

"Yes."

"I understand if you don't want to come."

"No, I can." I nodded.

I needed lie better. I need to stop letting my disappointment at losing time show.

===x===

Years pass and my mom dies.

"[Trenn], can you get our cousins for the airport?" My [Older Sister] asks while we're home for the wake.

"What about their son? Doesn't he have a car? Or shouldn't they just get a taxi?"

"We can't let them get a taxi when we're here!" She hissed in whisper anger. "He's already here and he came without a car, I'm not gonna tell him to go home and get his car, and we're not gonna let them spend money."

"Why don't you or [Eldest Sister] go?!" I whispered back.

"We have to be here for the guests! And you don't like talking to people anyways. And even—"

"Fine! Fine. Don't shout, I'm going."

"..." She glared as I left, and I hated the guilt in my heart for how I acted.

===x===

My job involved telling a lot of people were to go.

And people were fucking dumb, so I had to drive around and go to warehouses myself to make sure there were no fuck ups.

The phone ringing after hours, or on weekends was the worst.

"Hey [Trenn] we need your help."

"The greatest thing about you, [Trenn], is that you care."

Dread and emotional death by a thousand rings.

All answered with a tight smile. All true feelings stay locked inside.

The worst thing to do or be is a burden after all.

===x===

It seemed like in a blink of an eye I aged and was in a hospital bed.

My skin looks so wrinkled.

I could hear the beeping of the monitor. There was that tube in from of my nose to help me breath. Sometimes I forget its there. Those are nice moments.

I wonder if I lived a good life. I wasn't a bad person. I did what others needed. I helped.

...I was alone. No one visited me after the first few days. Guess I'm finally no use to anyone.

Thank god.

At least no more babysitting for my sisters' kids.

I've been here a week. I was bored.

I wished I could draw. Wish I could watch more anime.

God I have so many projects started. And none finished.

I wish I had more time. Or that I just spent it better.

===x===

"Dad, I didn't know you drew."

"I dabble."

"Can you teach me?"

"...Sure."

Time was stolen again. But I think I was happy this time.

I never finished a single project in the end. None felt right.

My daughter didn't get into drawing either. But they were nice moments.

I think I remembered it like that.

...I hope it was like that.

===x===

I was sitting on the couch. TV was off. My reflect looked old. I had white-gray hair.

The house was quiet. My side at least.

My kids lived on their own. They haven't visited in years.

My wife was with some of her friends in the living room, other side of the house.

I felt some peace.

My phone rang. Dread came.

It was [Older Sister]'s number.

Click.

"Hey [Trenn], I know this is last minute but can you—"

I was old. I felt tired. Drained.

"No."

And throw the phone out the open window.

I chuckled to myself.

My wife came barreling and shouting a few minutes later. Guess my sister called her.

===x===

I don't remember what happened next. I don't remember if I got angry or not.

I remember the words though.

===x===

"You should be happy to have people in your life. People who depend on you, that means you're important to them."

"What if I want to be left alone? What if I want for people to stop hampering me and throwing their problems on me, like I'm the fucking garbage man."

"So you can do what? What do you do with your time? Draw? You know you're never going to. What's the point now? Stop being selfish!"

"You know what? For fucking once I wish I could be."

"Oh stop taking that pity tone, like you never were. You always look like someone pulled your teeth out when anyone asks you for help or to do something."

"I still do them in the end!"

"And you make me feel like shit for asking!"

"Then stop asking if it bothers you that much!" I snapped. For what felt like the first and last time in forever.

"Why are you always like this?" She sniffs, she tears up. "Why do you act so bitter? What could you possibly be angry about?"

"I just want to rest." I defaulted.

I wanted to feel like my life matter to myself. Like I wasn't just some mule for others to dump things on.

Like I could chose what I do with my time. Yet I waste it rather than actually do the things I like or finish any of the art projects I started.

How pathetic. I hate others for stealing my time, then I hate myself for wasting it. And ultimately...

I just make myself and those around me miserable.

I wish I could just be happy so I can be happy around them. So they'd be quiet. So they'd stop bothering me.

Or I wish I was just a better person, that can care about them without conditions.

I wish I could change.

"Oh, because I'm so noisy to be around, is that it? You know, if I wasn't around, you'd be dead in a week you old bastard."

"Ha! ...You're wrong." There were way more swear words, cutting words, damning words I wanted to say, but ultimately held back.

"You act like you can't stand people, but you're the one who needs others more than anyone.

"But fine! I'm leaving for [---]," she said some friend's name I can't remember. "You know where I am to apologize!"

I hate the guilt for making her feel bad. I hate myself for causing this mess. I have nothing to complain about. I have no right to.

And I hate how god proved her right. I died a few (days?) days later.

Just sitting on a couch. I fell asleep and don't remember waking up.

===x===

And I remember death coming some indeterminate time after.

I started a new life and stopped thinking on the last one.

I stopped thinking about it but... it stayed in the back of my mind, didn't it?

You act like you can't stand people, but you're the one who needs others more than anyone.

I hated when people told me to do something. I hated when people told me my problems.

Like they were giving me my condemnations from on high, and I couldn't rebuttal. Didn't know how to rebuttal.

Worse... maybe a part of me thought they were right. Maybe objectively they were, and I hated and feared that.

Because it meant everyone was in the right, and I stubbornly, stupidly pushed away their words out of pride.

Pride.

I always thought I was the humble one. The struggling, quietly, nobly suffering one. I was the one people always depended on in the end, aren't I? Even if I didn't want them to.

I was the punching bag. The easily exploitable idiot. The one everyone walks over to easily get to their goals.

But... what if I was wrong? What if they really did need my help, and me being difficult made them feel bad? What if everyone else also had a life as heavy and full of pressure as my own, and they're dealing with it as best they could?

What if I was not really suffering, that I was just making things hard on myself when I shouldn't?

Maybe I'm just a bad person.

That was the crux of it.

I hated being forced to be a good person. Like I was tricked into it. My goodwill taken and used against me.

...Then I felt bad for feeling this way, and in order to atone I never acted to respect my own time. Even if I hated others for using it, and hated myself for hating them.

Ultimately it was all my fault. I never set boundaries.

And if I did I was a bad person for doing so.

It was a cycle I couldn't escape.

Is it any wonder I abhorred to see it repeated in this life? For my second chance to be a repeat of my first life?

Even subconsciously, even if I never noticed, I wanted nothing to be the same as last time.

I didn't want friends my age. I didn't want duties. I didn't want expectations. I didn't want...

===x===

Kids died. My hometown razed. Neighbors, old folk, people that smiled and were happy to see me. Give me gifts and want nothing in return.

They didn't expect me to save them. They didn't ask me to save them.

Yet they died. Murdered. Painfully.

There was nothing I could do. I couldn't have known. I have no reason to take responsibility this time.

So why do I want to? Is this masochism? Some indoctrination from my past life? A lifetime of being told to be responsible for others making me feel like this, when I try to break away from that lifestyle?

I'm not responsible. Saving my hometown was not my duty. I'm free in this life.

...So why does it yet still bother me that they died?

Because...

Because—!

===x===

I̶ ̸w̶a̸n̸t̴e̴d̶ ̶c̴o̸n̸t̵r̴o̵l̴.̸ ̸

̸̴O̶f̸ ̶m̴y̶ ̶t̵i̵m̸e̶,̴ ̷o̵f̷ ̴m̴y̷ ̸a̷t̸t̸e̷n̸t̶i̶o̷n̶,̷ ̷o̶f̶ ̶m̶y̴ ̷b̷o̵n̶d̸s̸.̴ ̶

̶̸I̴ ̶w̴a̴n̵t̸e̵d̸ ̵i̷t̵.̴ ̵F̷o̶r̴ ̶o̷n̴c̴e̶.̷ ̵T̸o̸ ̸b̵e̶ ̵m̴y̷ ̶c̷h̵o̵i̶c̴e̵.̶ ̵

̴̴A̸n̵d̵ ̴I̵ ̴w̵a̷n̸t̸e̷d̴ ̵n̷o̷t̷ ̶t̵o̶ ̶f̶e̴e̷l̶ ̵g̶u̵i̶l̵t̷y̶ ̴o̴v̷e̵r̷ ̶t̶h̵a̶t̴.̶

===x===

"Love pulls you to what you want. If it's true and strong enough, it can become your destiny. And you, boy, I can tell." She gave a enchanting grin. "You love magic, don't you?"

Time passed. I don't know time anymore. I just know time passed.

There was peace for a while.

Walking through Ackerheim things are busy. People going places, making a living, traveling, selling, buying. The noise of everyday life seems... quaint.

"Trenn," Rein said excitedly, holding my hand as we walked around town. "Do you think you can take me flying now?" She said in a hushed voice, even though there was no need.

"Maybe." I could help but smile at her encouraging nature. "I haven't gotten it down yet for spells. Give me a bit of time, soon I'll take you to the sky."

"Awesome!" She grinned, a bounce in her step, as she almost dragged me forward as we walked.

Mana techniques, like the body strengthening and the like I could now do without any of the kids breaking into hives. None of the adults or mages felt it when I used magic either.

Although the matron had been giving me suspicious looks for a while. As if me not seeming so down and no magic happening was odd. But she then seemed fine. Guess as long as the kids' hypersensitivity wasn't triggered, then it was fine.

For spells, it's still a delicate thing but I think I can do it. I wonder how I can train this skill further though after I have it down.

Did Serie sense Land in his home due to her power, or her experience? If it's the latter then it's a skill that can be further improved upon. If it's just power, I'd be more limited.

Hmm, can I turn the techniques I used into their own spells? What would mana detection as an actual spell look like—

From the corner of a nearby house, the building's shadow glitched.

My head snapped to the right, looking at the house and its shadow.

"Trenn?" Rein said in quiet confusion.

It looks normal. There wasn't anything unusual about the house, but... this has been happening for a while now.

Wait. Was it? I don't... think so. I don't remember. But...

Every time I make a new breath through in my magic training. Every time I theorize about something, it's like...

T̵̘̓h̴̖̥̾̎e̶͖͚͐ ̶̻̑w̶̪͇̓̿ö̶̤́r̵̨̆͜l̷̰̔d̷̘̊ ̷͈̘̀͝g̵̞͎͐l̵̜͕͑i̷̻͂̌t̷̖̏c̷̨̯̀h̶͕̺̍̍e̴̫̟̓d̸̗̓.̴̙̾ ̶̗̬́

The static noise filled me.

Not something I heard. Or that it loudly suddenly blasted my ears.

I could feel the sound of static filling my body, like it was going through me.

"Trenn!" Rein's voice centered me again.

"Huh?" I blinked and looked down to her. "Sorry, I was lost in thought. What were we talking about?"

Since when does she call me 'Trenn'... No, Rein's six. She's old enough to pronounce it correctly. ...I kinda miss her calling me 'Train'. Also kinda regret I didn't see her transition to getting my name right. Guess I'm nostalgic for some reason.

"Adults are scared." She said in a worried tone.

"Huh?" I blinked at the odd sudden change.

"Look!" She pointed, as I looked up to see people looking worried toward the town square. Something happened.

"Monsters!" I heard the distant shout of someone running. A person ran into the town square, sweating and panting. "Monsters! Made of shadows and darkness. They're coming from Schwanz's direction!"

"Where are they?" Someone asked.

"How many are they?" Another asked.

The messenger finally had his breathing back.

"Hundreds. Thousands." He looked up with despair in his eyes. "It's a stampede. They're—"

There was a loud crash. A shout from the gate guards calling for more soldiers. Monsters' roar echoed out.

They sounded... weird. Like an animal's roar through digital filter.

"They're already here! Run! Hide!" The new carrier shouted.

I picked Rein in my arm and cast Jilwer with its aura suppressed.

"Trenn?" Rein said in a worried tone.

"Hang on, okay." I said and rushed off.

The town blurred around me. I saw the streets littered with people. The guards were shouting something about magic, but I didn't focus on it.

Wait, why am I using the streets?

I shook my head and jumped up to the roof of buildings around me.

Upon seeing the town from an elevated position I began to see the chaos in full.

The monsters did looks like living shadows. Solid shadows in the shape of people and animals. Some even looked like monster's I've once fought and slain.

They reminded me of the Ancient Einsam's Phantoms, but more solid.

One of the shadow monsters, a dog-like beast, jumped on an unlucky man that didn't manage to run away. Unlike what I expected a wild monster to do, and just rip into the man, the shadow monster sniffed the man first.

Then it jumped off him and moved on.

Huh?

Only for another man with a wooden plank—was that the carpenter?—to come smashing the piece of wood, over the monster's head.

The shadow monster this time, jumped onto the carpenter, sniffed him then ripped his throat and chest out.

Then the carpenter was engulfed in darkness, becoming another shadow monster.

I almost tripped upon seeing that. The fuck!?

As I was running to the orphanage I noticed more of his behavior. The shadow monster don't actively attack people till they're attacked first. But without exception they sniff everyone they find.

They're looking for something. I realized.

I rooftop hopped, zipping past the town. I heard a screech overhead.

I looked up to see an eagle shadow monster. It dived bombed at me.

I broke my stride, to stop in place. The eagle crashed into the roof to where I would have stepped.

It's head came out of the hole, only to for me to blast it with a Zoltraak. I heard scraping, and looked to the side to see one of the more canine shadow monster climbing up the roof. The moment it saw me, it howled calling others to it.

I blasted its head off too and rush out of there. Or at least I tried.

The shadow dog let go of the ledge to fall down. But that's not what threw me off. It's that it seemed to move in fast forward.

It moved like something with Jilwer cast on them.

The fuck?!

I rushed to the orphanage, dodging shadow monsters along the way, staying out of their sight as much as I could.

Once the building was in sight, I slowed and jumped down to ground level. The shadow monsters seem to follow mages somehow.

Near the orphanage I saw one of the shadow monsters. A gorilla.

There was another mage that headed to the orphanage. He noticed the gorilla sniffing the air. The mage was Achtsam, one of the mages that came to live in Ackerheim these past... months?

Not important.

What was, was that the moment he prepared a Zoltraak to take out the shadow gorilla, the monster froze and turned, zeroed in on him. Achtsam was discovered .

They react to magic but not mana? Except no, they react to mana too. They just couldn't sense mine.

The shadow gorilla lunged, it moved with Jilwer and cast Feuerball from its arms. Feuerball, a basic fire spell that launches, exactly as its name, fireballs at a target.

"Trenn!" Rein hugged me tight, not wanting to see the violence that's about to happen.

"Hang on," I said, getting a coin out of my pocket, imbuing it with mana and threw it high in the air.

The shadow gorilla broke from it's assault to look up. Only to look down to at the Zoltraak coming at it's face.

The shadow gorilla to sacrifice an arm to block it. Then it leaned to the side to avoid Achtsam's Zoltraak and lunge at him as he was closer.

That's when I cast Schnellwurf on the reinforced coin. I superheated the coin with Gluthalt, a spell meant for lighting campfire, or keeping campfire going strong, but using it on an object just heats it from the inside.

I let the mana line between the shadow gorilla and coin magnetize, and then let the coin shoot forward.

Even with the monster in a Jilwer enhanced speed state (somehow) it couldn't react fast enough to the super sonic blazing coin that went right through its head.

It froze in place. Then dissolve back into shadow and nothing.

"Trenn! Holy shit, kid, you're alive. That spellcasting, it was..." Achtsam seemed to ramble. Happy to see us, but also frazzled.

"Achtsam," I acknowledged with a nod. "Were you heading here? Is everyone okay?"

"I..." Whatever he had to say, was interrupted by a whine from Rein.

"Rein?" I looked down to see her skin had reddened. It was very light, but proof that my mana affected her, even if at the lightest bit. I clicked my tongue in annoyance. Dammit, I haven't mastered my mana control yet. "I'm sorry."

"I-It's fine. It doesn't hurt." She smiled back at me. At my frown she quickly added. "Really! It's just itchy though."

"Don't scratch at it." I said back.

"Wow, holding onto you and that's all the reaction she had." Achtsam said under his breath. "Anyways," he shook his head. "I came to make sure the kids here are okay, also to warn you." He said seriously to me. We both heard another roar closer by. "Let's talk more inside, but Trenn." He met my gaze with a serious one. "Any magic you have on, drop it. Keep you mana as concealed as possible."

I raised an eyebrow but nodded all the same.

I wasn't casting any spells, it was all mana techniques. I think I have an idea of what he wanted to tell me.

===x===

"These shadow monsters react to magic., to active mana of any kind." Achtsam explained.

Yep. Just as I thought.

"What are we gonna do?" Matron asked. It was just me, Achtsam, Lässig, the matron and some of the older kids in the background.

Rein stayed by my side, sitting next to me, holding lightly onto my shirt. She said she didn't want to be alone, so I let her stay.

"You have to stay here, we don't understand the behaviors of these new monsters completely but, there are some patterns." Achtsam began to explain. "They seem to react to active mana. Meaning magic spells. They smell and then don't attack, but if you attack them they attack you, and if they slay you..." Achtsam looked pale at the thought. "Best to not think about it." He shook his head. "They don't seem to go after people after sniffing them, but there are two exceptions." Oh? That's new information. "Mages is one type they take away somewhere, even if they don't fight... and children."

A chill went down my spine. There was this odd feeling in my gut.

This feels contrived. It was a silly thought. A narcissistic thought. That this was another situation for the world to make me stop using magic.

"No. Please tell me it not what you're saying."

"Shit! These things eat kids?" Lässig grimaced as he rubbed his hair in anxiousness, even pulling on it at time.

"We don't know that for sure, just as we don't know what they do with the mages they took. All of the kids don't have their mana active, so it might be something else."

"Is it the mana hypersensitivity?" Asked the matron, zeroing in on that subject.

"...Maybe. We can't be sure. They do come from Schwanz's direction, but we don't know if there's a connection." Achtsam reluctantly said. "If they are beings or a phenomena caused by the Coalition's last attack, we don't know what those beast would want with survivors affected by the magic bomb."

But that was just my depressive self-spiraling. Things changed. Things got better after my talk with Flamme. It wasn't the world out to get me, people were just living their lives and there were circumstances happening.

Yet once again... My teeth grinded inside my mouth.

"Trenn," Rein whispered. I felt her hand take mind and hold it for comfort. I glanced at her and realized... she was trying to comfort me, not seeking to feel safe by holding my hand.

Heh. Fuck, I'm pathetic. I need a little kid to cheer me up, because my pissed off at myself and the world.

"It's gonna be okay," I whispered back.

"Trenn?" The matron spoke up. Apparently I wasn't as quiet as I thought.

"We lead them away, right." I said looking to Achtsam. "That's the plan, right? What left of the mages around, we fly up and have them chase after us out of town."

"Trenn, no, you can't!" The Matron said, a hick-up in her voice, her eyes watered. "You need to stay here, where it's safe. You-You can't go out there and fight." Ms. Gütig said. My expression fell. A look of quiet annoyance came to me. For some reason I didn't even bother to hide it. "Look, I... I know what I said before, but that was wrong. I'm sorry. You're just a kid, you shouldn't have to fight." She said. "Please. Stay here, stay safe. You... you don't need to sacrifice yourself for the people you care about."

"...What?" I blinked. The words not register.

"She's saying we care about you, kid. So of course we wouldn't want you to get hurt." Lässig clarified with a huff and a smirk.

Other kids added their bits, agreeing, saying they don't want me to get hurt. That I did enough. That they can see my efforts and appreciate it.

And I...

I...

I felt enraged.

I don't get it. This doesn't make logical sense. Why would their sincere words make me angry? They're saying that they care, so why am I pissed of?

"Trenn," Mrs. Gütig spoke up, upon seeing me quiet yet not looking joyous at her words. "What's the matter?"

Your concern feels like chains. My eyes narrowed the tiniest bit, even if I tried to hide my emotions.

The thought came. Bursting. Unraveling. Raging through, out of the depth of my mind. And this time I didn't push that thought down or away.

I stood up, about to head out regardless of what anyone said.

A howl echoed nearby. The group flinched, postures frozen, as they looked away at the walls as if they might see the monsters through them. Achtsam likely could, if he can sense mana without letting his own out.

I began walking away.

"Trenn?! Where are you going?" Mrs. Gütig said in a shout whisper.

"Hey, Trenn, you alright, kid?" Lässig asked.

Looking back at my life, this life I mean, I think I'm beginning to understand myself.

I fell in love with magic because it was wondrous.

I wanted to leave everything behind to pursue that passion, so nothing tries chains down, as I chose the path of my life.

No friends, no home, no duties.

In a sick, twisted way, I was glad to be an orphan in this life.

That way I could choose my own family.

"Even if I hadn't found a teacher, even if I achieved nothing, I still would have left once I turned eighteen. You know that, right?" I whispered.

"Trenn... what are you saying?" Lässig said in shock. The matron seemed lost for words.

I turned to the side, looking back at everyone in the orphanage. The older kids, the matron, Achtsam, even Rein.

Sans the latter, there maybe some fondness, but the last few months made the resentment overshadow any of it present.

It wasn't fair to them. They were just people living in a harsh world and threw responsibility on someone they saw as capable.

But I'm tired of being fair.

"Trenn...?" Rein spoke.

But Rein... somehow, for some reason, the bond I shared with her grew very fast after that initial annoyance. I couldn't see her as a burden, as someone draining me of my emotional recharge, no matter how clingy she got.

Maybe... because when I went to leave, she didn't try to force me to stay. Not really. Not with any real effort.

I always wondered why she was happy to be around me, even when I sat in silence. Maybe that's why it wasn't draining, the time I spend with her. Maybe that's why I didn't resent her.

And right now... I dreaded what she would say.

Because I didn't want to come to hate Rein.

It was stupid, it was wrong and immature of me to put that type of pressure on a child, even if I'm not telling her any of these thoughts. Because again, it was too complex, thoughts that were too much to even articulate to another person, let alone a child.

Yet...

"Are you going on an adventure to save the day?" Rein asked.

My eyes widened in surprise. This girl... in her own way, was more mature and perceptive than even I was.

T̵h̴e̶ ̴w̷o̵r̷l̶d̷ ̴g̴l̷i̴t̵c̴h̶e̶d̸ ̵a̴g̸a̸i̷n̷.̸ ̸

I let out a breath. A feeling of relief in my chest. The bond didn't become a chain.

A question that gave me an out. That cracked open the door for me, telling me I could come back, should I choose to.

It was like every other chains here was breaking, but this one didn't become a chain.

"Yeah." I chuckled.

Then, in the most hilariously cheesy way possible.

"Go get them then!" Rein gave me thumbs up as she cheerfully grinned.

"I will." I grinned and gave a thumbs up back. I walk out the door.

"Rein! What are you say? Child please be quiet as they adults speak." Mrs. Gütig went to say, but the decision had already been made. "Trenn, wait! Come back! Trenn!" Her voice kept getting louder.

"Trenn!" Achtsam called out after me, coming out of the building as well. "Don't be reckless. At least come back inside so we could stra—"

I let go of my mana restrain, actively letting it flow and even channeling it strongly as I used it for body strengthening.

The town went quiet. All the shadow monsters sensed me. I could sense them too. They froze and turned in my direction, even ignoring other mages, or people they were fighting.

"Trenn, you... that mana level...?" Achtsam blinked at me in shock and disbelief.

"Adios." I gave a two-finger salute and launched into the sky.

===x===

Something was off. I thought as I evaded another speedster bird, while flying vaguely in Schwanz's direction.

I had already felt it when this whole shadow monsters situation began. When the monsters used Jilwer—No. Spells that I knew.

Be if the hunting folk spells I learned from Schroff, or the ones I invented.

Gütig words and general demeanor and actions may have pushed my buttons, but it was definitely the tigers using fucking Schnellwurf that had me thinking someone was wrong with... everything.

The weirdest thing was when one of the shadow hawks caught me. It started trying to pull at me. Like I was something it needed to carry away.

I noticed all the shadow monsters leaving Ackerheim once I flew out of the town's walls. They left everything behind. I was their target.

But why?

And even when I kills them, they didn't retaliate. Not really. They would grab me, manhandle me, but they were trying to take me somewhere. But they never actively tried to hurt me.

They wanted me to go to Schwanz.

Why though? It's why I was more or less flying in that direction. I was also curious, but... I also remember the dome, a massive wall of black, purple colored mana covering a town.

It was Schwanz cover in mana... mana that felt similar to the Ancient Einsam.

I landed on the ground, a road in front of me that would lead eventually to Schwanz.

The shadow monsters gathered around me. Rather than acting like how you'd expect monsters to be, growling, snarling etc. They seem docile.

One of them, a giant dog came forward, and leaned down, gently taking my hand into its mouth and tugged at me. It was telling me to go with it, to head to Schwanz.

It became odd once I realized it but I never once felt fear toward the shadow monsters. Even against the weakest monster, I still felt my guard going up, ready for the fight.

But here... nothing. Just tranquility.

I walked forward. I patting the shadow dog's head, it let go of my hand.

The shadow monsters moved in unison around me. Almost like they were shielding me.

At the edge of my senses, I felt mage signatures. It was the mages of Ackerheim. I think maybe even more from other towns... which didn't make any sense. When would they have time to travel and get here?

They were coming to where I was as a group. Using mana to see faraway, I could see they looked determined, talking about rescuing me.

Right, time to avoid that whole situation.

I flew into the sky once more, and cast Schnellwurf.

Over and over I slingshoted myself toward Schwanz. The journey felt shorter than I remembered. Because I was thinking more on my destination.

Because... it was like imaging the place brought it closer. Which didn't make sense.

Yet as I saw the domed town and flew near it, I saw a figure I never expected to see. A woman with orange hair fashion in a large braid.

"Flamme!" I exclaimed as I landed near her.

"Heya, boy." She waved a hand. "So, you finally came here."

"What are you doing here? Actually I have way more questions than that but starting with the first, what? How are you here? Are you... actually Flamme?" I blabbered, words just falling out of my mouth.

She just smiled and crossed her arms, waiting for me to stop talking and catch my breath.

"You know what to do here?" She half turned to look at the mana dome, before looking back at me.

"I..." I looked at the dome and felt hesitant. I feeling felt artificial.

No. Am I confusing something? I am hesitant. There was no thought in anything I did today. I just went on instinct. I might have ruined my relationship with the matron and the orphanage. I acted impulsively, selfishly, just like in my past life. Yet...

"Heh," Flamme gave a half-laugh, half-sigh. "Honestly, how does anyone fall for that Einsam's tricks? It's so simple to beat."

"Einsam...?" The thoughts and emotions related to that monster came bursting into my mind. The life or death battle I had with it, the emotional highs, and the insight into mana and magic.

It was hell of a struggle that I could have never imagined and... and...

"I'm in an illusion, aren't I?" I said the words, not really believing them. Maybe not wanting to believe them. No. It can't be. "I've been living for months in Ackerheim. I've been through a lot since then and..." Yet the more I thought, the more these odd consistencies popped up.

How the hell would the Anti-Coalition get their hands on the equivalent of a nuke? Why would they use it on such a city like Schwanz and not the capital of the the Principality.

Magic radiation acting, or causing mana hypersensitivity? How? Why?

Matron Gütig suddenly acting like a combination of people from my past life? How? Why? Thinking about it objectively, she never acted like that. Maybe... I secretly felt like that from her, but I know she isn't like that. She's nothing like those people.

...Rein calling me 'Trenn' instead of 'Train'.

"Welp, congratulations on realizing it. Better late than never." Flamme commented.

A deep ache opened in my chest. A wound reopened. The loss was real after all. Everyone is gone...

I still have to save Schroff. Focus on the mission.

It was all I could hold onto right now.

"Okay, this is... This is a lot." I said, digesting everything. "So I'm still fighting the Einsam but how..." I gestured to Flamme, the world, myself, just not sure how to explain properly my thought. "How am I not dead? How did months pass and... everything?"

"The mind works a lot faster than the body. It's why in dream you can live lifetimes before realizing it was a dream." She replied.

"Right," I nodded, lost in thought. "Right. So brain working a lot faster and all that, make plausible enough world, yadda, yadda, yadda. And I guess everyone is just part of my subconscious since my mind made them, or what I think I know about them, and that's the closest representation."

"You're quick." She nodded.

"Okay, I guess I know what 'Gütig' represented, but what about Rein? Or you?" I asked.

"I'm guess 'Rein' was just the part of you trying to save yourself." Flamme said.

My lips twitched and settled on a smile. I looked aside, feeling my eyes get teary. I let out a shuddered breath. A familiar ache recalled, yet an odd warmth.

I guess I did care about her. Grief is proof you cared, you loved, right?

"And you?" I looked back at her after composing myself.

"The representation of the sealing spell keeping the Einsam within the mountain." Flamme? said.

"...What?" I blinked. Once, twice. There's no fucking way I heard that right.

"I'm Flamme. Or rather the small part of her, the will left behind within the sealing spell." Flamme explained.

"Fucking excuse me?!" My jaw dropped. "How, just, what? That spell must have been cast a thousand years ago. Even if that was remotely possible how are you still around?" I cried out.

Flamme laughed out loud, looking up, hand held over her mouth.

"Honestly, Trenn, you need to use your imagination more." She composed herself and continued. "You need to imagine beyond the limits of what you think is possible. What are spells made of? A spell formula, yes, but you also need imagination to shape it, and willpower, some cognitive will, to actively will the spell to be cast." Flamme said. "Your mana is you."

Her words felt like a gong rung in my head.

"What?"

"Mana comes from the soul. Obviously that means it's you. It's a part of you. And when you place it into spell, when you cast a spell, you are putting a part of yourself into the magic." Flamme smiled. "Meaning a part of who you are, your will, your faith, your resolve, your being is put into every spell you cast." Wind flew around her, the light of the sun behind her making her look like an ethereal goddess. "That's why magic is so beautiful."

...No wonder Serie and Frieren continue to simp for her even after a thousand years.

"Hehehahaha! Thank you." Flamme chuckled and smiled at me.

"...I said that out loud, didn't I?"

"Yes, yes you did."

"Okay," I turned and looked directly at the mana dome, not focusing on anything else. "I'm gonna go back to my life and death battle now." My ears were burning red.

Flamme's laughter was musical.

I started walking to the mana dome.

"Trenn," Flamme called out making me pause. "Give your mana the properties of flame."

"Huh?" I blinked at the seeming non-sequitur.

"Like this." Flamme summoned her mana and... it's color changed, looking and acting like fire. Yet... it was just her mana. Not a spell being cast.

"How...?"

"Imagine beyond what you think is possible." She repeated slowly. "If the Einsam is using the same principle of 'your mana being you' to send its illusions through it's many microscopically thin tendrils. If it has enough mana threads to make it seem like you're within a sea of mana in its range, then you don't need to cut off every single one. Just burn the whole thing to the ground."

"Burn—? Wait. Microscopic tendrils?" My eyes widened. "Fuck, no wonder I could never manage to cut them all off." I scowled to myself. "I was in its sea of mana and not realizing that means I was drowning." I sighed, before a thought came to mind. "Wait, if its mana was like a sea from how ubiquitous it was, then burning it won't work. You can't burn water if you're inside it in the middle of the ocean."

"You can't burn a sea with that attitude for sure." Flamme shrugged.

"Say what?" I blinked in surprise, thrown off.

Flamme laughed again, but after regaining her breath she gave me a more serious look, even if she was still smiling.

"Trenn," she began. "I saw into you in the time you spent here. I know. Your goal, mastery of Reelseiden is possible, but you really should stop delaying." She giggled. "I know telling you this is useless, you want to do things your own way, at your own pace. So I just wanted to tell you, once you feel the time is right, don't make excuses. Don't hesitate. Cast your magic with absolute faith and determination."

My expression grew serious as I took her words to heart. I nodded and turned back ready for whatever lies within the mana dome.

'Even Flamme was failure'? Serie, what fucking crack cocaine were you on?

I shook my head at how absurd everything was.

"And Trenn?" Flamme called one last time. "When you meet my master, tell her I enjoyed learning from her."

Looking back, I nodded and reciprocate her fond smile. "I will."

"And do tell her that she should relax. Preferably by getting her laid."

I tripped and fell on my face.

"You have my approval by the way. Just give her a grave wound or cut off a limb and she'll instantly be open to the idea of a date."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR MASTER!?"

"It would just be a flesh wound."

===x===

The mana wall wasn't even worth talking about.

Yes, it was a bit of a struggle to push through it at first. Then with some time and practice I replicated Flamme's flame-like mana and pushed through.

Having elf-taming Flamme herself there made the process much easier with her pointers.

What I found inside was...

It was Schwanz. The town just as I remember it. Before the Coalition. Before the fire and destruction.

Yet the world within the dome was distinct, absent of color.

Everything was in black and white.

It was more surreal than anything I could remember. Like an active body derealization experience, except I was too aware of it, if that makes sense.

I knew where to go. A gut feeling, but maybe the only logical place for me to go.

I went to the Calm Orphanage.

The building was whole, exactly as I remember it before I first left.

And in front of it was the last thing I expected to see.

Rein.

The only being right now in color.

I had so many thoughts swirling in my head.

It felt unfair. That she was gone for real. That all the time I spent with her this time was fake. That I couldn't make up for it. Couldn't apologize.

Couldn't be the big brother she wanted.

"Are you here to stop me?" I asked. It wouldn't make sense for a part of subconscious mind that tried to help me, save me during this illusion to now want to hurt me.

But then, I am a self-destructive person.

"Do you want me to?" She asked, a calm maturity in her tone that felt at odd with the Rein I knew. "I could tell you that this world? The one outside? For your brain, it doesn't matter which is real. If it's good enough it will believe it." Rein said, yet opposite to her words, it didn't sound like she was trying to convince me. "If you belief? Then this world can become real."

"But I will know it's not." I replied.

"Does it matter?" Rein tilted her head. "Everyone's experience is subjective. You can make yourself forget and... it will all be real." She looked at me with hope and resignation. Just playing devil's advocate for the hell of it. "You can live a life where you never lose anyone. Where every bond you make is your choice and isn't one that hurts you."

"..." For a single instant temptation came. But just as easily, the bitterness of such a cowardly choice erased that temptation.

"You won't, huh?" Rein gave a scoffed laugh. "You want control over everything. Your life, your destiny, your relationships. But you also want them to be real. People really are paradoxes."

I laughed. "Now I believe you're part of my subconscious. You're pretentious enough."

Rein laughed out loud and I laughed with her.

As we both calmed down, a feeling of finality came over us. We both knew what decision I made. What I already chose even before coming here. Before even knowing this whole world was an illusion.

"I guess this is goodbye." Rein said, smiling up at me with teary eyes.

"I..." There's so much I wanted to say. But there was no point. This isn't the real Rein anyways. There's no point...

"Train?"

My breath hitched at hearing that familiar name. Tears filled my eyes.

"I really will miss you." Rein said, smiling with tears running down her cheeks.

I really, really... hate goodbyes.

"Rein!" I hugged her, my chest heaving as I began crying. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." And everything I wished to say poured out. "I should have visited earlier. I should have played with you more. I should have realized that this new life was different. That I didn't have to treat everyone like I expected them to start exploiting me."

"Dummy, dummy, dummy," Rein cried back, grabbing onto me with every ounce of strength in her small arms.

"I should have realized that I cared, that I wanted this bond, that I wanted us to be family. I'm so... so sorry you died before you could know all of this. I'm sorry that I was too late. That I couldn't save you. That I didn't realize I wanted a younger sister. That I couldn't be the older brother you wanted. I'm sorry, I was so slow. I realized it too late."

Rein cries echoed in the silent black and white world.

We cried until all tears dried up and all words were spoken.

We cried... and finally let go.

It was the most painful thing I ever had to do.

I walked away from Rein and stood before the door of the orphanage. Even though it was the same, somehow it felt bigger than I remember.

"Rein," I spoke up, still facing the door, feeling Rein far behind me. "This question... probably isn't something 'you' can answer, but I wanted to ask it all the same, even if I don't get an answer."

"Yes, Train?"

"Why did you like hanging out with me? Out of everyone in the orphanage, but someone grumpy like me?"

I didn't expect an answer. After all, how can some imaginary Rein know what the real one would say.

"Because I liked watching your adventures."

I blinked at the confusing answer. Because it was not something I could imagine saying to myself.

I looked back and Rein was gone.

The answer didn't make sense, but I felt an odd calm all the same.

Right. Of course.

I took a deep breath and put my hands on the wooden doors.

Time to face the music.

I pushed the doors open.

===x===

First there was darkness.

Everywhere. In front of me, behind me, around me, under me in every direction.

The door I came from was gone.

Then the darkness started to take shape, be distinct.

It was something big. Something giant. Another being other than myself.

Two glowing orbs of light came to be. No, they opened up. Eyes the illuminated the surrounding nothingness.

I was floating in an empty vastness before a titan made of smoke and shadows, yet burning internally with light.

I should be scared. Terrified.

Yet once more my instincts told me I was safe.

I leaned my head to the right to see more of the titan's features... and it copied me.

I leaned my head to the left and it did the same.

I looked down at my left hand and it copied me too.

I contemplated if I moved my right hand, would then hand I was floating above of, drop me?

"You're... me?"

It... growled? The voice sounded like a mix of a purr and stomach grumbling in hunger.

I suddenly knew. Maybe because this place is somewhat my subconscious or built off of it, but I knew that the titan was potential, my instincts. My hunger & curiosity.

Or as Flamme called it, my love. What lead me to magic.

But I also felt more within the titan. It was made of all the knowledge I devoured from the Einsam. Information that I couldn't yet process but stayed within me.

"So you are me." I said more firmly, more confident.

It's pleased grunt echoed the void.

I took a deep breath and released it.

"Right." I closed my eyes and centered myself. There was no need to complicate this further. I opened my eyes and faced myself. "Break's over. Time to kill a monster.

"I'm guessing that since this world is made up of my own mind, even realizing that it's fake I can't so easily get out and it's not so simple as opening my eyes." I mused. The titan stayed silent. "Welp, guess it's time to finally do it." I grinned. "It should be a good training attempt for the real thing. And as for mana?" I focused my mana sense. On distance, on feel, on the world and felt it. An opening. A node. A link to something external, to another source of mana.

The mana link to Minus.

"I think it's time for Minus to pay some rent." I said with resolved reborn and reaffirmed. "If I can't even cut a fake world, then forget about the real one, am I right?"

The titan was quiet and still.

Then it smiled.

"̶W̸e̵l̴c̷o̷m̶e̷ ̴h̷o̴m̶e̶.̸"̴

===x===

"To be lucky enough to witness mages of the future era, of the Era of Humans." Flamme mused to herself. Even if she was only a remnant will, a small shard born of a role, she could still appreciate this unexpected encounter.

An encounter that will never be replicated again.

"Haaaa, I really am grateful for this world." She let out a breath and smiled.

"To still be able to experience such sights, magic is truly wonderful." Flamme sighed and smiled. "Now Trenn, how will you escape this illusionary world? You're gonna need more than just realizing it's an illusion to manage that."

Flamme waited with bated excitement.

The mana dome was sucked inward, breaking and dissolved as energy for the owner of this world.

Then a giant pillar of mana exploded forward, moving like a tentacle toward the sun—No. Toward a hole in the sky. To another world of energy and power.

And dragged it back toward Schwanz slamming all that power into the city and absorbed by the fledging legendary mage in the making.

"REELSEIDEN!"

A cry echoed in the false realm.

And Flamme laughed jubilant as she saw the 'world', starting from the sky, be cut in half.