Lord of Dread: Chapters 11-15

Chapter 11

“Today’s your last day!” I pout, meeting Will at the bottom of the stairs.

He frowns, nodding as he holds his arm out for me to take. I do so happily, eager for the day in front of us. I’m not sure what Will does for a living, seemingly nothing, but he’s spent the entirety of the past week with me.

The dinners with Elijah haven’t been fun, the man growing crankier with each passing day, but Will makes them go by faster. He loves to annoy his older brother, and I can’t lie and say that watching Elijah be teased for an entire meal isn’t entertaining.

Despite Elijah’s visible annoyance, I can tell he loves his brother, which is odd to see. I was just beginning to think my husband was incapable of such emotions.

Once Will’s gone I will return to eating with Louise in my room, which I’m both excited and upset about. I love spending time with my friend, but it feels nice not having to hide away all the time. I think Louise likes it too, and I worry she feels obligated to keep me company.

I’ll have to assure her I won’t be upset if she ever decides she wants to eat with the other maids. It’s well within her right.

She’s been in an exceptionally good mood these past few days, feeling proud about how many shirts she stole from Elijah’s closet. I almost didn’t believe it when she came barreling into my bedroom with the armful, and I’m starting to think she got a bit high off the thrill.

I’ll have to send her on less dangerous missions in the future.

“Oh, don’t fret. I’ll be back soon.” Will laughs, pulling me out the front door.

I peer back at the house out of instinct, my eyes traveling to Elijah’s office window. My pace slows as I spot him staring out it, the man making no attempt to hide the fact that he’s watching us. I gulp, nervous, before sucking in a shaky breath and turning back to Will.

He’s grinning, none the wiser to his older brother’s irritation as he leads me off the path towards the woods. Oh, great. That’s just what I wanted to do today, tromp through the woods in my nice dress.

“I hope you’re not intending to get me alone and kill me.” I joke, tugging on Will’s arm.

My words are met with a loud snort, and I follow him despite knowing the mud will most definitely ruin the fabric of my dress. It wouldn’t have killed him to give me a bit of warning. All he said was that he had a surprise for me, which I thought would be a deck of cards after I absolutely crushed him yesterday.

I’m pretty sure he was on the verge of tears.

I hope we can play some more tonight before he leaves, and I’ve already decided, in case my gift isn’t cards, that I’ll splurge some of the money I’ve been saving to escape from Elijah and buy a deck myself.

I can teach Louise how to play, assuming she doesn’t already know, and we will have a wonderful time.

Now that I’m no longer under my dad’s control I can probably even play at parties or other social events. Elijah doesn’t care enough about me or my reputation to try and put a stop to it. The entire town already thinks me a pregnant whore and he doesn’t seem to mind.

The sick man probably gets a kick out of it.

I hope something goes wrong with that money he’s set to inherit from his uncle and all he ends up with is a wife that despises him. He deserves nothing less.

“Where in heavens are you taking me?” I laugh, struggling to hold back the sounds of my panting.

This walk is much longer than I anticipated, and I’m struggling to keep up with Will’s pace due to the lack of oxygen I’m able to draw into my lungs. Maybe he really is trying to kill me. Suffocation is a means of murder won’t draw much attention, especially when I’ve practically done it to myself.

Actually. Scratch that. This is Elijah’s fault. Him and the rumors of pregnancy he created about me.

I continue to curse him in my head as I let Will lead me around like a damned horse. The woods aren’t too dense, making the grounds flat enough to walk on without struggle, but the summer heat is killing me.

Even with the shade provided by the trees, I’m dying.

“Are we almost there?” I huff, leaning on Will.

He grimaces as he glances down at my surely red face, and tightens his hold on my arm to help support my weight. There are limits to what we can do and how much he can help, any more than this most definitely indecent, but I’m growing desperate.

The last thing I need is more rumors going on around me.

“We are less than five minutes away, I promise!” Will assures.

I can’t tell whether or not I believe him, but when we come up on a large pond and turn right to walk along it, I assume we’re close. Good. Any longer and I just might collapse.

Will chats happily about his life back home, eager to tell me all about this woman he’s interested in and his grand plans to impress her. I ask why he and Elijah live so far apart and receive a noncommittal response about them enjoying different sceneries. It’s not as detailed as I’d like, but it makes sense. Elijah likes his solitude, and Will lives in the heart of a large city a day’s trip from here.

I try not to look disappointed when he returns the conversation to his woman, and plaster a wide grin on my face as I ask all about her. I refuse to be one of those females who grows bitter and jealous because I’m not in a happy relationship. Will is a great man, and I’m delighted he’s got his eye on somebody who will bring him such joy.

It’s what I hoped for myself, but maybe I’ll find true love when I run away and start my new life.

My steps quicken as we come up on a large waterfall, and I release Will and hurry ahead in excitement. This is beautiful!

“I found this place a few years back, and love to come where when Elijah’s being especially testy. He doesn’t know about it, and I thought it might be nice for you to have a space that’s all yours.” Will explains, shouting so his voice can be heard over the rushing water.

It grows louder the closer I move, practically deafening my ears once I reach the very edge. Will grabs my arm to pull me back, forcing me to stand a few feet away. The water vapor hits my face, and I shut my eyes and tilt my head back to enjoy it. This is absolutely amazing.

“The water is clean and shallow enough to dip in, too. It’s just far enough into the woods that nobody comes out here, so you should be safe to undress.” He continues.

I gulp, turning toward him at the mention of my undressing. It’s not an appropriate thing to say, and Will seems to sense that as he clears his throat and glances away. He reminds me a bit of Jack in the way he’s open, and despite the slight awkwardness, I’m glad he’s informed me it’s safe to go into the water.

Otherwise I might have never worked up the courage.

Already I can tell I’m going to most enjoy coming out here, and walk back down the river until the water has slowed to a calm stream. Slipping off my shoes, I pull my dress to my ankles and dip my toes in the water. It’s cool, but feels good after such a long walk.

Will joins, and I grimace at the sight of his hairy feet.

Men have such ugly toes.

I let myself enjoy the water for a while, carefully lifting up my skirt until it’s up to my calves. Will is polite and averts his gaze, which I find comforting. He’s such a nice guy, and I so badly wish he could stay for longer.

We walk around the shallow water, filling the time with fun conversations about my family. It’s a while before I finally work up the courage to exit and slip my shoes back on. The bottom of my dress is wet, the splashing caused by my feet more than I anticipated, and I hope it dries by the time we return.

Louise will tease me endlessly if I come back with a dripping hem, and I’m sure the maids will have a field day drawing conclusions as to what we were doing. I doubt it would take long for word to get back to Elijah, and the last thing I want is him growing angry and not inviting Will to come stay here again.

That’s assuming he isn’t already. Will has been testing his patience this entire week.

Elijah’s not hidden his annoyance for my relationship with his brother, the man leaving his office more than ever before just so he can stomp through the entertainment room and bother us. At one point he even tried to sit in and join Will while I was playing the piano, and looked ready to burst into flames when I promptly stopped and closed the lid.

I refuse to play for him.

Only friends and family will hear me play, and he is neither of those things. Besides, if he wants to listen to music, I’m sure he can hire an instructor to teach his mistress. She’ll be happy to learn a skill reserved solely for wealthy ladies.

I frown, shaking my head to remove thoughts of them. I don’t know why it even bothers me so much. It’s not as if Elijah’s ever pretended to care for me, and he’s made it clear from day one that he has no intentions to respect our marriage.

Will and I busted into a fit of giggles when Elijah stormed from the room, and I smile as I recall how Will howled in laughter when I opened the piano lid and continued to play the moment Elijah was out of sight.

It was petty, and I know I’m playing a dangerous game, but it was too tempting not to.

“Thanks for this outing. I had a lot of fun.” I state as we exit the woods and make our way across the manicured section of the lawn.

We receive a few looks, but nobody is so daring as to stare outwardly.

Elijah is nowhere to be seen, thank god, and I rush upstairs to change out of my dress before anybody notices the damp hem. It’s not dripping, but the fabric is noticeably darker than when dry.

I’m fighting to undo my corset strings with Louise walks inside, the woman taking one look at me before shaking her head and rushing to help.

“What have you gotten yourself into?” She lightly scolds, undoing the knots I accidentally created.

My shoulders lift in a slight shrug, not having a great explanation. Corsets are hard enough to get on and off with help, and are damn near impossible to do by yourself. I’m glad she doesn’t mention my wet dress, but when she bends and runs her fingers along the fabric, I know I’ve been caught.

“Be careful, Rebecca.” She murmurs, grabbing and squeezing my shoulders.

I nod, taking hold of her hand in silent thanks for her concern. She’s proving to be a great friend, and I’m so glad to have met her. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have her to keep me company in this estate.

I’d most definitely have gone crazy by now.

“I received a letter from Jack last night.” I state.

My tone is casual, but my grin is anything but. Louise pretends to be uninterested as she goes red in the face and hums.

“He asked if it would be appropriate to write you.” I continue, loving the way her face reddens even more. “Should I tell him yes?”

Louise sets my shoes down and cups her cheeks, and I nudge her shoulder with wiggling eyebrows. She turns away to try and hide, and sits on the edge of my bed as I ask her again if I should permit him. Jack’s a good guy, and even if the status discrepancy between them is sure to turn heads, I trust that he wouldn’t be going after her if it wasn’t genuine.

Jack has no interest in hurting the reputation of a female. Unlike some other males I know.

Plus, I’d love to get him away from that widow.

After much urging I finally get my response, and happily turn away when it’s precisely the answer I hoped to get. Jack is good with words, and it’s only a matter of time before Louise is absolutely smitten.

Assuming she isn’t already.

I fix my hair and slip on my trusty pair of gloves before working up the courage to leave the safety of my room. This is the last night I have to endure an evening in Elijah’s presence, and after tonight I can return to my life of solitude.

How exciting.

Chapter 12

Elijah barely spares me a glance as I step inside his office, the man looking just long enough to see who it is before he reaches into his desk drawer to grab the bag of coins he always provides when I bother him. The sight of it fills me with rage, but I shove that emotion deep down inside as I clear my throat and approach his desk.

He’s busy writing up some documents, and I watch him for a brief moment before grabbing the entire bag and clasping it tightly within my palms.

Usually I’ll open it on the desk and take exactly what I need, and my change in action seems to draw Elijah’s attention as he finally looks up from his paper and meets my gaze. About damn time.

“Yes?” He sighs.

I gulp, reminding myself to remain strong. I can’t let this man steamroll my entire life, and if I want something I’m entitled to at least ask for it.

“I need a new dress for the ball you promised to take me to.” I state, holding my chin up high. “It is next week.”

This serves as both a reminder and a way to confirm the plans, which I’m sure Elijah is incredibly aware of. Neither of us has mentioned the ball since Will left yesterday evening, and I refuse to let my nerves prevent me from making him hold up his end of the bargain.

Elijah’s lips flatten into a straight line before he nods, silently confirming.

My pulse races, both in excitement and anxiety.

“And you intend to act as a real husband should?” I probe.

I find slight pleasure in the way his eyes widen, the man momentarily caught off guard. He licks his lips as he resumes his normal unaffected state, and gives another silent nod.

Silence is better than rejection, even if it is annoying, and I tighten my grip on the bag of coin as I wait to see if he has anything else to say. His attention darts to the bag as my actions make the money inside it clink, but I doubt he’s going to tell me to put any of it back.

At this point, I’m confident that he’s okay with me buying whatever I want, especially since it keeps me out of his hair. He gives me money and I disappear into the city for the day. Not once has he ever asked where I go, which I’ve long since stopped feeling bad about, and now I don’t even bother giving him an explanation.

I come into his office and he pulls out the bag without any need for conversation.

“What are you going to wear?” I blurt.

I should stop while I’m ahead.

Elijah glances down at himself, looking mildly offended by my question, before admitting that he doesn’t know. I resist the urge to slap a palm over my face. He doesn’t even know what he’s going to wear? I’ve seen him enough times at parties to know he has some decent items in his wardrobe, but if he needs anything new he should be meeting with the tailor now.

I refuse to let him embarrass me in front of Minnie and the Duke.

“Come with me.” I huff, spinning and storming out of his office before I come to regret my actions.

At first my footsteps are the only ones I hear, but after a moment I hear Elijah following behind. I’m pretty sure this is the first time he’s ever listened to me, and I can’t wait to tell Louise all about it later tonight. I bet she won’t even believe me.

I know where Elijah’s room is despite never having gone to it, and I keep my pace steady as I push open his bedroom door and make my way to his closet.

There’s a large, elaborate wooden bed directly when you walk in, and I eye the white sheets and deep red blanket folded across the foot of the mattress as I make my way past it. It looks nice. I wonder what female picked it out for him.

Elijah voices no complaint as I pull open his closet doors and step inside the small space. He surprises me by joining, and I do my best not to let our bodies touch as I scan all his formal wear.

The clothing in here is so nice. Why doesn’t he ever wear it?

The fabric is beautiful and intricate, and I can tell his suits cost a fortune. How much money does he have? I’ve never thought to ask, not that he would tell me even if I did, but if he’s willing to spend this much on outfits he never even wears, I’m willing to bet it’s more than I anticipated.

I’m careful not to brush up against him as I bend and grab a pair of pants. These are perfect. As I reach for a matching shirt I feel pressure on my waist, and freeze immediately.

Elijah invades my space, his hands curling entirely around my waist.

“What are you doing?” I ask, hating the audible shake in my voice.

I was under the impression that we had a silent agreement never to touch one another. I wear my gloves for a reason, and he treats me like a pesky bug that won’t stop flying around his head. He’s in for a world of disappointment if he thinks me entering his bedroom and closet is my attempt at seducing him.

I’d rather cut off my arm than let this man near my body. He’s dirty, and I have no interest in giving myself to a man I do not care for.

The only way he’s getting me is by force, and I can tell that’s not of interest to him. He’s an asshole, but he’s made it clear that he has no interest in physically harming me. He’d have done it by now if he did, and probably more than once.

Elijah removes his hands when I don’t respond to the touch, and clears his throat before stepping away. I yank the shirt I was reaching for off the hanger before hurrying out of the small space, wanting as much distance as possible between us.

“Am I not allowed to touch my wife?” Elijah questions, spitting the word wife like it physically harms him to say it.

I resist the urge to laugh. Is he serious? This man must have a screw or two loose if he thinks I want him anywhere near me.

“No,” I respond.

If I were braver, I’d tell him that the mere thought of his hands on me makes me want to vomit. I’d tell him just how revolting I find him, and how absolutely disinterested in him I am. He is my husband in name only, and he’s entirely to blame for that.

I am miserable. My life is miserable.

Elijah doesn’t push the subject further as he takes the clothing I hold out for him and steps into his ensuite bathroom to try them on. I tap my foot against the ground, struggling to forget this ever happened as I wait for him to come back and show me.

He does so quickly, and I hum as I round him and ensure everything fits properly. It does. Wonderful.

“Will you wear this to the ball?” I ask.

He nods.

I’m not sure what’s got him in such an agreeable mood today, but I’m not above milking it for all I can. I’ve got an entire bag of coin, reassurance that he’s not planning on pulling out of our agreement, and even got him to leave his office and try on an outfit.

If I didn’t know any better I’d say that makes today a complete success.

I subtly shift my torso to try and readjust my corset as I head to the small table next to the closet doors and search through the display case on top. He’s got dozens of cuff links, and I finger through them all before finding the ones I like best.

They are gold, and scream wealth.

This will be our first public appearance as husband and wife, and I need all the potential future suitors for my sisters to see how well my match is. It will encourage them to seek my sisters out when they come of age, their desperation to get close to Elijah and what they believe his success to be.

Everything is about reputation, and I’m grateful he isn’t arguing with me about making ours look as good as possible.

“Why do you care about this ball so much?” Elijah asks, taking the cuff links I hold out to him.

He makes quick work getting them on, his long fingers surprisingly agile.

I debate ignoring his question, but figure there’s no point to that and explain the situation with my sisters. He seems shocked when I mention my lack of mother, and has the decency to look guilty when I talk about how my father forced all us girls to learn an instrument so we could play for our suitors and impress them.

I like the look of shame he wears, and dig in further by telling him how I refused to let anybody listen to me play my special song because I was afraid to jinx it. I wait until he looks a bit excited, probably hoping I’m going to ask if he’d like to hear it, and I find much enjoyment out of telling him I already played it for Louise and Will.

It’s no longer special, and he will never have that.

It’s become apparent over this past week or so that he really wants to hear me play. The piano is one of the most beautiful instruments, and it’s hard not to enjoy the sound of one filtering through a home.

He’ll never hear me play. At least not from within the same room.

“You seem to care a lot for your family.” He states.

I nod, stepping back into his closet to pick out socks and shoes. I love picking out outfits, and Elijah is surprisingly docile when it comes to being dressed.

“Of course I care for my family. I had many dreams about having a large one of my own.” I state, emphasizing my use of the past tense.

Elijah crushed those dreams.

I hear him suck in a deep breath as I search for the right shoes, but whatever reaction he may have had to my words has long been hidden by the time I pick a pair and bring them to him.

He puts them on, completing the outfit, and I nod in approval before doing a lap around him to ensure one last time that everything is perfect.

“Will this be all?” He asks, undoing his cuff links.

I nod, understanding that’s my cue to leave. I’m out of his bedroom a second later, still holding the bag of coin I took from him earlier. Elijah has no idea what I wear or the dresses I own, and I will re-wear one so I can stash this all away.

Nobody will know but my dearest friends, and I highly doubt they will say anything about my lack of a new dress.

My lips curl into a wide smile as I rush to my bedroom and dig underneath my mattress for the loose coins I’ve been stuffing in there. Pretty soon I’m going to be rich, and at this rate I should be able to make my escape in less than a year.

I won’t have enough to live a life nearly as lavish as this, but I’m willing to give up everything I cherish if it means I have the opportunity to make my own life and find real love. I refuse to give up my dreams of a large family and doting husband, and Elijah will soon realize that.

He’ll be made a laughing stock when they discover his wife ran away from him.

I’ll have to wait until my sisters have married, which might hinder my timeline, but if Elijah and I impress enough, hopefully they’ll have suitors sooner rather than later.

A quiet giggle works its way out of my lips at the hope, and I tuck my loose coins in the pouch along with all my letters from Jack where he explains his travels in detail. They’ll serve as my guide, and when the time comes, I’ll pick my destination from them.

Hiding everything away, I clasp my hands together and hurry downstairs to find Louise.

Chapter 13

Tomorrow’s the big day.

I hike up the ends of my nightdress, praying nobody’s in the hallway and sees me in this state of undress. At this point it’s fairly obvious to the entire staff that Elijah and I are sleeping in separate rooms and have not shared a bed, and I’d like not to spark any rumors.

I’d rather die than have them think I’m giving myself to him.

I’ve been avoiding giving Elijah the tie I had made for him for days now. It’s been sitting on my changing table taunting me, whispering that I’m too scared to face him. It’s right, of course, and if it weren’t for the alcohol I stole and drank with Louise, it’d probably still be sitting in the same spot.

I should’ve taken Louise up on her offer to deliver it for me, but as I run my hand down the silk I’m secretly glad it’s me who’s doing it. Things have been better between us this week.

We’re by no means on speaking terms, but I no longer hide in my bedroom during meals and I don’t feel the incessant urge to scratch off my skin whenever we’re within proximity of one another. It’s not much, but I still think it’s progress.

Good progress.

I’ve long given up on the hope of a love marriage, but I wouldn’t hate to have one with no hostility. We don’t have to be a proper couple to get along, and maybe we could even find ourselves as friends in the future.

Yesterday he entered the entertaining room while I was playing the piano, and I think he was very pleased that I didn’t immediately stop and chose instead to finish the song I was on before closing the instrument.

He sure seemed pleased, the smile he tried to hide poorly concealed.

I pause, slowing as I evaluate the tie once more.

I asked the tailor to make it when I was in an exceptionally good mood, and he did an excellent job matching the color of the dress I chose to wear to tomorrow’s ball. I had to dip into my run-away savings for it, but I think it’s worth it.

It’s a peace offering, and I think a pretty good one.

What man doesn’t love a nice tie?

It takes every little bit of courage I possess to continue my journey to his room. We only sleep a hallway away from one another, but the walk feels incredibly long in these dark hallways. I never leave my room at night, I have no reason to, but who knew how brazen a bit of alcohol would have me feeling.

Louise and I really should have stopped after our second glass, but she was beating me at my favorite card game and I truly believed that the next hand would be the one to turn the scale. It never was, and three glasses later we were a giggling mess.

If I weren’t being so stingy with my money I’d place bets so she could earn some extra wages, but I don’t have anything to spare at the moment. I need every penny if I’m to run away.

The haziness provided by my drinking diminishes with each step I take, and I’m practically shivering with nerves when I round the corner that houses Elijah’s bedroom door.

My footsteps slow to a complete halt when it enters my line of sight, and I clutch the tie to my chest as I give myself an impromptu pep talk.

I can do this.

I curl my toes against the cold floor, regretting my attire once again. It’s not too late to go back and put on something more appropriate for visitors, but I think it would look more odd to go to his bedroom so late at night in full attire. He’d know I dressed just for him.

My jaw clenches, and I give the tie one more anxious rub.

There’s always the option to wait until tomorrow to give it to him, but I know if I don’t do it now, it’ll never be done. I’ll save it and give it to Jack or Will as a present. They’ll never have to know the true origins of it.

Jack does love a good tie.

Maybe I could gift it to Louise and have her give it to him. He’d find himself quite flattered by the present.

No. I can’t do that. This is for Elijah.

I suck in a slow breath and run my hand through my hair, nervously flattening the strands so they don’t look like I’ve been rolling around in bed for the past twenty minutes debating whether or not to make this journey.

Why didn’t I look in the mirror before I left my room? I really should go back.

My thoughts are cut short when Elijah’s door opens, and I watch in horror as the maid from his office comes slinking out. She freezes as she notices me, her expression matching mine, before it vanishes and she continues her exit with an air of confidence I don’t believe she has any right to possess.

What’s she proud of? That she’s sleeping with a married man?

I wonder if Elijah is giving her things, presents or treats? He’s wealthy enough to do so without it affecting his estate in the slightest.

The woman has the audacity to smirk as she steps away from his closed door, turns to me, and makes a show of fixing her dress in front of my very eyes. Her breasts spill over the top, and she makes no effort to hide the fact that her corset is poorly done up and her attire is entirely unkempt.

It’s obvious she feels some sense of entitlement when it comes to my husband, and I hate how awful it makes me feel.

Here I am fretting and worrying about gifting him a present, meanwhile he’s finding enjoyment with his mistress. How absolutely humiliating.

I’m pathetic.

The maid eyes me for a moment longer before dropping her gaze and sauntering past. My mouth feels dry, and I run my tongue over my top teeth before clearing my throat. She comes to a slow halt, and I watch her muscles tense as she spins to face me.

She’s pretty, and I take a moment to commit her face to memory before speaking.

I’ll never forget this.

“You are no longer employed in this house, and I expect you out by the end of the night.” I state, proud of myself for keeping my voice firm. “You will receive no letters of recommendation, and if you dare try to boast our name, I will have your reputation ruined.”

Her jaw drops, the arrogant woman clearly not having expected that her actions would have consequences. Had she not smirked and rubbed in my husband’s infidelity, I likely wouldn’t have said anything, but I refuse to be mocked by both my husband and the maids.

There’s only one of those two items I can control, and I fully intend to do so.

Tears well in her eyes, but I refuse to back down as I cock my head to the side and wait for her to leave. Her gaze darts toward Elijah’s bedroom door, and I fiddle with the tie in my hands as I move closer to it.

What’s she thinking? That she can run in there and try to undermine me by getting Elijah to let her stay. Honestly, I’m fearful of that, unsure if he would go that far to humiliate me. That reaction would put me below even the staff, and I would never be able to show my face again.

Seconds pass at an excruciating pace, and I release a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding when she turns and runs down the hallway toward the servant’s quarters. I’ll ask Louise to confirm that she’s gone tomorrow morning.

My face is wet, and I angrily wipe at the tears that must have streaked down them as I march toward Elijah’s door and shove it open. He’s lying in bed, but sits up the moment he realizes it’s me who’s entered.

His eyes dart between me and the door, and even without speaking, I know he’s trying to figure out if I saw his mistress leaving his bedroom. I toy with the tie in my hands, resisting the urge to whip it at him. I doubt it would do much, if any, damage, but it sure would make me feel better.

“You will no longer be disrespecting our marriage.” I blurt.

The words slip from my lips before I permit them to, and if I could shove them back onto my mouth, I would in a heartbeat. Elijah doesn’t care about what I want, and I’m in no place to make these demands of him.

My body tenses as I wait for his inevitable laughter, the man probably finding humor in my jealous claim. I never wanted him to know how much his indulgences with the maid affect me, and my words do precisely that.

Elijah clears his throat and sits up further in the bed. The sheet falls, and I notice he’s not wearing a shirt.

It was a mistake to come this late at night.

“Okay.”

I blink. I must have misheard him.

“What?”

“I said okay.” He repeats, leaning over to light the candle next to his bed.

It illuminates him, and I catch myself trailing my gaze down his chest without meaning to. I’ve never seen a man other than my brothers without a shirt, and I can’t lie and say I’m not curious.

I always imagined that when I found my husband this would be something we shared on our wedding night, but that illusion has been long destroyed. Elijah will never receive any part of me, at least not willingly.

“What’s that in your hands?” He asks, breaking the silence.

I clear my throat and glance at the tie.

“I had a tie made for you. It matches the dress I’m wearing for tomorrow’s party.” I state, turning and setting it on the small end table where he stores his cufflinks.

The ones we picked out for him to wear last week are set aside, and if I weren’t still upset about the maid, I’d probably be happy that he’s made such a conscious effort not to forget about them. They really do match the outfit best.

“Thank you.”

Elijah clears his throat, and I feel my hands clench into tight fists as uncontrollable rage fills and pours over.

“Do not thank me when you are covered in the sweat and fluids of your mistress.” I hiss.

Elijah visibly recoils, the sight of it only making me feel slightly better. His mouth opens, the man gaping like a fish, and I can only hope he’s able to see the hatred in my eyes. There are so many things I want to spit at him, but I hold them in like a true lady and make my way to his door.

I knew coming here was a mistake, and it’s one I won’t be making again.

“She’s not my mistress.” He finally states.

“Oh?” I laugh, but it is humorless. “Would lover be a more adequate title?”

I shouldn’t be engaging in this. All it will get me is a bruised ego and hurt feelings. I don’t bother waiting to hear his answer as I pull open his bedroom door and step outside.

My chest shrinks the second I’m alone in the hallway, and I place a hand over my heart as I struggle to catch my breath. I want to cry and scream, and probably even hit something, but I’ve already used up my allotted daily time for self-pity.

This is my life, and crying about it isn’t going to change that.

Despite there being nobody around to see me, I force myself to hold my head high as I make the trip back to my bedroom. I’ll be damned if I let anybody, especially the maids, see just much they affect me. Word would surely get back to Elijah, and he’s the last person I want knowing about my emotional struggles.

A cursed tear has still made its way down my cheek despite my order for it not to, and when I’m back in the safety of my bedroom even more force themselves from my body. I hate it, and wipe them away whenever I feel another one coming.

If I cry tonight my face will be all puffy tomorrow, and in a desperate attempt to curb my irrational tears, I dip my fingers into my cool glass of water and press them to my cheekbones. The cool should help prevent inflation, and I lay back on my bed hoping that facing upward will dry my tears.

It’s a sad attempt, and by the time sleep finally pulls me under I’ve accepted that my appearance tomorrow is going to be atrocious at best.

Chapter 14

“You look lovely.” Elijah compliments, lying straight through his teeth.

I push a curl behind my shoulder, ignoring his statement as I accept this outstretched hand and let him lead me to our carriage. He’s wearing the outfit I picked out for him, tie included, and if I weren’t still fuming over his late-night fun, I’d probably compliment him.

But he’s a whore, so he gets no nice words from me.

Elijah lets a quiet sigh slip from his lips, but doesn’t say anything further as he pulls open the door and steps back to let me enter first.

The carriage feels small when it’s just the two of us squished inside, and I nervously adjust my gloves and avoid eye contact as Elijah gets himself settled and we begin to move. It’s not a terribly long journey to Minnie’s estate, but every minute seems to drag when I have to spend it with Elijah.

I’ve done an excellent job ignoring him since our encounter last night, and if it weren’t for this stupid ball, I would love to do it even more. My father always used to tell me my spitefulness could win awards.

“If you want us to behave as a real couple should, as you have requested, then we should discuss this animosity between us.” Elijah breaks the silence.

I gulp, struggling to find the words. He wants to call his harboring a mistress our animosity? Of all the selfish, uncaring things he’s ever said. I want to hit him.

I want to curl my fingers into a fist and slam it straight into his perfect nose over and over again until it’s flattened against his face. Then I want to kick him in the shins and smack him with the back of my glove.

“There’s nothing to discuss.” I state.

Elijah huffs, and rolls his eyes before shifting to look out the window. It’s growing dark relatively quickly, and the setting sun has cast a beautiful pink haze over the sky. I love it, and press my cheek against the glass window to get a better view.

The beauty makes it easy to avoid Elijah, and when I see Minnie’s estate enter my line of sight, I straighten up and smile. I haven’t seen her and the Duke in ages, and am eager to hear all about her newest adventures.

Hopefully she will have news of a child, too. She will make a wonderful mother, and it’s only a matter of time.

It takes everything in me not to cry when the carriage rolls to a stop, and I push past my anger as I turn to Elijah. It’s the first time I’ve looked him in the eye since last night, and I once more fight the urge to shove my fist into his nose as the carriage door is pulled open and he steps out.

He holds out his arm for me, and offers a wide smile as I take it and accept his assistance in stepping out of the carriage.

People are everywhere, and I take a firm hold of Elijah’s hand so he can’t wander off as we stroll inside the front opened front doors. He can disappear after we’ve done a lap and greeted our hosts, but not one second sooner.

Elijah leans in and whispers nonsense to me, but I let the words slip in one ear and out the other as I scan the room.

It’s beautifully decorated, with large flower bouquets spanning practically every surface and an elegant group of musicians in the corner. Minnie went with a lilac color that has become my favorite these past few weeks, and I smile as I realize my blue dress matches.

People don’t do a good job hiding their stares, their lips moving quickly as they no doubt discuss all the rumors they’ve heard about me these past few weeks.

My corset is tied so tightly I can barely breathe, and I’ve gone as far as to ditch Elijah’s undershirt I’ve taken to wearing so there’s less space between the boning and my skin. My stomach will be littered with bruises tomorrow, but every single one of them will be well worth it if it means I can expel these rumors of pre-marital pregnancy.

Elijah seems to sense the stares as well as he pulls me closer to his side and spins me to face him. I suck in a sharp breath, unprepared as he cups my cheeks and presses his lips to mine. This is the third time we’ve ever kissed, but it is the first one that has lasted for more than a mere second.

I want to recoil and shout at him for daring to touch me, but I don’t. This is exactly what I asked for, and I’m glad he’s taking my request seriously.

His lips slot between my own, lingering and moving slightly as he plays his part of doting husband. I allow his hand to trail tauntingly down my spine before pulling back with a fake giggle and grabbing his wrist to stop him.

He grins, the man a better actor than I thought he’d be, and plants one last kiss to my temple before taking us for a lap of the room.

Who knew Elijah could be a gentleman? I sure as hell didn’t, and refuse to let myself be impressed by the ease at which he leads me around and makes polite conversation with all the gentlemen who approach to say hello.

It breaks my heart to know that if Elijah hadn’t bought me like cattle I could be happily married to one of them, but there’s no use dwelling over things I can’t change. This is the life that has been dealt to me, and I need to suck it up and accept it.

Slowly I am accumulating my wealth, and soon I will be free of Elijah and this entire city.

I’ll go where nobody knows who I am and start over. I’ll find a common man who loves me, and we will grow a family that revels the size of my own. My nose crinkles, but I force my expression to soften before anybody notices. It won’t be realistic to have a large family. Most commoners only have one or two children, the cost too high to justify having more, and when I run away I will be limited just as they are.

When I spot Minnie, I not so gently drag Elijah in her direction. Her smile grows when she notices me, even if her eyes harden at the sight of Elijah. She’s aware of my true feelings for him, but I know she will remain polite.

I give the Duke a slight nod before turning all my attention to Minnie, the action slightly rude but accepted because she and I are such good friends. He knows very well I’m not impressed by his wealth or title, and my interest lies only with his wife.

Just as a good friend should.

“This place is beautiful!” I compliment, smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. “You’ve done an amazing job.”

She was so nervous for this ball, the first one they are throwing since their marriage ceremony late last year, and this will set a precedent for all future ones. I’m happy people will look back on it as an elegant and well-planned event.

Minnie flushes, her cheeks tinting a dark shade of pink as she grabs some appetizers off the tray of a cater walking past us. She hands me one with a loud thanks, and we spin to watch the room and evaluate.

The dance floor is packed, always a good sign, and it seems everybody has dressed well for the occasion. People happily take food from the trays, seemingly enjoying them as they shove the tiny deserts down their throats, and there are no bored wallflowers to be found.

Everything is perfect.

“How’s everything with Lord Elijah?” Minnie asks, breaking the silence between us.

I shrug, not having anything to say about that. The last thing I want is to burden her with my marital struggles, but I also don’t want to lie. Elijah is quite possibly the worst man I’ve ever come across, and being with him makes me miserable.

He’s a cheat and a liar, and I wake up every day wishing another man had taken an interest in me.

My expression seems to be all the answer Minnie needs as she pulls me into a warm hug, her touch welcome after so long of having none. I can’t remember the last time somebody hugged me. Louise helps me do my corset and dress every morning, but we aren’t at the level of friendship where we embrace one another.

Not to mention that she works for my household. I’d never want to make her feel uncomfortable.

“You know you are always welcome to come stay with Will and me?” She offers, pulling away with a concerned frown.

I fake a smile and nod. It’s a kind offer, but one I’ll never take her up on. It would only spark rumors, and I’ve already got my own plan conjured up.

Minnie and I make some idle chit-chat before the Duke interjects to ask Minnie to a dance. The way he smiles at her has my jealousy flaring, but I shove that emotion aside before it can fester into anything more. I’m happy she found herself with a man who truly loves her.

Elijah watches me as I watch Minnie and Will leave. We’ve done all we are required to do, and I avoid his eye hoping he takes the hint and leaves.

“Would you like to dance with me?” He asks.

No. I would rather gouge out my own eyes than dance with him. That’s not the correct answer, though, and with a slow exhale I nod and accept this hand. One dance and I can politely excuse myself from his presence.

Elijah pulls me onto the dance floor with the confidence only a wealthy Lord can, and I stand opposite him before raising my hands and getting into starting position. This dance is easy and, thankfully, short.

We move in tandem once the music begins to play, our footsteps synchronized as we spin around the room at the pace of the beat. I avoid Elijah’s eyes the entire time, choosing instead to stare at his forehead.

He finally got a haircut, and the loose waves look much better when trimmed.

I used to secretly think Elijah was quite handsome, but now I think he’s the ugliest man who’s ever existed.

When the song ends I can hardly breathe, and Elijah seems to notice as he takes hold of my elbow and pulls me toward the edge of the room.

“Rebecca? Are you okay?” He pries.

I nod, not trusting my words to come out smoothly. I’m sure my face is a thousand shades of red, and my chest heaves as I struggle to get oxygen into my lungs. Shit. Elijah rubs my back, his touch more soothing than I’d like it to be, and snatches a glass of wine off one of the catering trays before holding it out to me.

I accept the drink, and down the contents as I lean subtly against a pole and let it support a good chunk of my weight.

“Is your corset too tight?” Elijah probes.

My jaw snaps shut with an audible click, and I spin toward him with the anger and embarrassment only he can seem to evoke within me. How dare he question me about something so intimate, especially in the middle of a crowded ball. I want to kill him.

“I am fine.” I snap, shoving my empty glass into his hands before spinning and storming away.

I can’t move as quickly as I’d like with this heavy dress, but thankfully Elijah makes no moves to follow. Before I can stop myself, I’ve snatched two additional glasses of wine off a tray, and make haste downing them before grabbing one more and heading outside.

My tolerance for alcohol is quite low, and already I can feel my head swimming as I storm to the gardens. Minnie’s always taken great pride in her landscaping, and I let my fingers brush against the bushes as I wander to the greenhouse near the back fence.

I want some peace and quiet, and this is the best place to find it.

Pushing open the door, I frown as I spot Jack’s friend rushing to put out a cigarette. He relaxes when he sees it’s just me, his frantic actions slowing. Jack’s always keeping company with males I disagree with.

“Lady Dawson!” He greets, clearing his throat before correcting himself. “Sorry, Lady Hughes.”

I wave away his correction, honestly wishing I was still a Dawson. Being a Hughes has been nothing but a disappointment.

“Hey, Ben.” I fake a laugh.

He fixes his attire, his nervous actions making me smile. Ben’s always been flustered around me, and I take a long sip of my wine as I watch him scramble. He’s sprouted these past few years, shifting from a gangly teenager to a filled-out man.

He’s been of age to marry for a few years now, but it seems he has no interest in a wife just yet. He’s just like Jack in that regard, my brother much too busy running around making a mess of things to consider settling.

“You look quite handsome this evening.” I compliment, alcohol making me bold.

I know Ben is attracted to me, and Elijah’s made it more than clear he doesn’t care what I do. If he wants to go around taking up partners outside our marriage, then why shouldn’t I?

I want to know what it feels like to have a man’s hands on me, and I know Ben is more than willing.

Chapter 15

There are two images of Ben staring at me, and I finish my glass before setting it clumsily on the counter to my right. The alcohol is very quickly getting the better of me, but I don’t care.

My lips curl into a tiny smirk as I pull off my gloves and toss them on the counter I lean against.

“Rebecca?” Ben asks, cocking his head to the side as I push off the counter.

I ignore his question and continue my approach. Ben tries his best to remain gentlemanly, but it’s impossible not to notice how his eyes dart to my cleavage. I used to hate it, finding his attraction toward me repulsive, but now I think I quite enjoy it.

At least somebody wants me.

He sinks his teeth into his full bottom lip, and I feel a smile spread over my lips as I throw caution to the wind and pull his skin free. His hot breath brushes my thumb, his eyes wide in shock. I’ve never been so forward before, but I’m sure word’s gotten around at this point about my less than stellar marriage.

Ben licks his lips, the action brushing his tongue against the tip of my finger, and I gasp at the feel of it as he suddenly grabs my hips. He pauses, giving me the chance to pull away, before ducking and bringing his mouth to mine.

It’s not as magical as I hoped it would be, but I don’t care. I’m being kissed.

Ben is tall and full of hard muscle, and I rip at his shirt as he picks me up and sets me on the counter. My reputation would be entirely ruined if anybody saw us like this, but I’m much too clouded with drink to care.

I moan into his mouth, finally finding my way underneath his shirt and touching his bare skin. He’s warm, and I take advantage of every second of contact I can get as I curl my fingers into his pecs and drag them to his waist.

I want to know what it feels like to touch a man’s most intimate parts.

Ben disconnects our lips with a harsh breath, his eyes wide as he stares down at me. Is he going to try and stop this? I arch my back and lower my eyelids, hoping to look sultry. It seems to work as he groans and drops his gaze to my chest.

The tightness of my corset has pushed my breasts up to unimaginable levels, and I take great pride in seeing Ben stare at them. His hands are cupping them a second later, taking the lead as he wiggles my top down until they’re exposed.

Thank heavens I wore a dress with a soft fabric top.

“You’re beautiful, Rebecca.” Ben whispers, making brief eye contact before bending and connecting his mouth with my chest.

His lips trail from my collarbone to my right breast, and I pant in shock as he closes his mouth around my nipple and sucks. It feels surprisingly good, and I can’t hold back a light moan as the feeling causes a low warmth to grow in my abdomen.

My noises seem to spur Ben on as he kisses them harder, his palms cupping the skin his mouth can’t reach. I let my eyes slip shut, enjoying the pleasure his tongue brings me. Is this what I’ve been missing out on this entire time?

Ben’s teeth graze against my skin, causing me to throw my head back and curl my fingers through his hair.

When he slides his mouth to my other nipple, I giggle, elated to finally know what it feels like to have a man desire me. Ben grins right back at me, the man always in good spirits.

I’m glad it’s him I stumbled across in this private space.

I’ve known him since we were children, and I trust he will keep his mouth shut about our little adventure.

With my breasts still fully exposed, Ben rises back and cups them once more. His thumbs graze over the stiffened peaks, and I watch in awe as he grabs my hand and brings it to his body.

“Oh,” I breathe.

He guides my hand over his hips, silently encouraging me to feel him over his pants. I know what this hardness means, and can’t help but smile as he moves to remove his trousers. Tonight I will know how it feels to take a man inside my body.

I’ve always dreamed my first intimate moments would be with love, but that dream is long lost. Ben is kind and willing, and I’m just drunk enough not to let fear stop me.

“Are you sure about this?” He breathes.

I nod, more than sure.

My husband is not the only one with needs.

Ben urges me to lift my legs and pull back my skirts while he removes his bottoms, and I’m just in the middle of doing that when the greenhouse door slams open. Ben’s on the other side of the room in an instant, and I’m grateful this space is dark and I’m facing away as I yank the top of my dress back up and force out a loud laugh.

“You’re a fool if you think you could ever beat me at Whist!” I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

It’s the card game Louise and I have been playing, and I’m honestly terrible at it.

Ben offers a weak smile, the man doing a poor job of acting calm. Whoever entered this room most definitely knows what we were doing, but we need to act as if everything is normal and, hopefully, they will do the same.

The last thing I want is to cause a scene at Minnie’s party.

I will deal with the rumors that are sure to follow this at a later date.

My heart is in my throat when I spin to see who’s entered, my fake grin falling when I see it’s only my husband. I feel my shoulders relax, my relief probably more than a little apparent as I jump off the counter and place a hand over my chest.

It’s just Elijah.

“You frightened me!” I laugh, stumbling slightly as I continue to adjust my dress.

Elijah doesn’t look happy, but he never does so that’s nothing new.

“Ben and I will be out shortly.” I continue, gently urging for him to leave.

Elijah recoils at the exact moment Ben chokes on his spit, and I blink between the two in confusion. Oh. I suppose Ben probably doesn’t know about Elijah and my’s agreement.

A quiet chuckle slips from my lips at his terrified expression, but before I can explain to him that everything is okay, Elijah is storming into the room and grabbing my bicep. I frown, turning to glare at his hold as he forces me out the door.

“Hey!” I hiss, trying and failing to yank my arm out of his hand.

Elijah ignores me, and I’m forced to straighten my spine and smile when I realize we’re getting odd looks. Minnie. I can’t draw a scene at Minnie’s party. Elijah refuses to speak a word as he yanks me to our carriage and pushes me inside.

Well, maybe it was more of a nudge than a push, but my drunken mind takes it as a shove and ignites my fury.

I spot our driver rushing toward us just before Elijah climbs in behind me and slams the door shut, caging us in.

“How dare you?” I breathe, shoving at his chest.

Elijah grabs my wrists and pushes me away, and only now do I realize he holds my gloves in his hands.

“How dare I?” He laughs, but the noise lacks any humor. “How dare you, Rebecca!”

He doesn’t stop me as I snatch my gloves from him and yank them on. I wanted to touch Ben, wanted to feel his skin on mine, but I don’t want that with Elijah. With him, I wear my gloves.

“I was having fun.” I state.

The carriage jerks to a start, and Elijah curses as he reaches forward to steady me when I nearly fall off the seat. I grunt and push at him, not wanting or needing his help. If I want to spend this evening on the carriage floor, I will very well.

“Are you trying to make a fool of me?” Elijah spits, pulling his hands from me like my touch burns.

He looks disgusted as he glares down at me, but I remind myself I don’t care as I lift my chin and turn to look out the window. I have nothing to say to him, and he’s in no place to sit here and lecture me about my actions.

If he wants to go around screwing the maids, I should be allowed to seek out the males I find agreeable. I deserve love and intimacy just as much as the next person.

I’m willing to admit being with Ben in the middle of a party was probably not the best idea, but that’s the only fault I’m going to own up to.

“I will invite him to stay with us instead.” I state.

My words are met with silence, and when it grows too uncomfortable I give in and sneak a peek at Elijah.

He looks gobsmacked, his eyes wide and jaw hanging.

“Excuse me?”

I shrug, turning to face him. The carriage makes me a bit dizzy, but I ignore it. I’ve grown incredibly skilled at ignoring things that make me feel unwell.

“I will invite Ben to come stay at our home for the weekend. That way we can be together without any worries of being caught.” I explain.

The maids might see, but I have a feeling Elijah will do his part in keeping them discreet. He won’t want news of him being made a fool in his own home getting out, and the maids sure aren’t going to listen to me.

Elijah darts forward and grabs my chin, his hold borderline painful.

“You will never see that man again.” He decides.

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Elijah made it very clear on the day of our marriage that I am free to seek male company as I see fit, and Ben is who I choose. He is tall and muscular, and I like the feel of his body on mine. I want to see, touch, and taste every inch of his body, and I will not be told otherwise.

Elijah’s face grows impossibly red as I brazenly share that information with him, and I take sick pleasure in watching the change happen.

Let him be uncomfortable.

“Shut up, Rebecca!” He shouts, squeezing my cheeks.

I yank my face out of his hands. I will not.

“I will see him again, Elijah, and I will scream in pleasure when he fucks m-“

My words are cut short when Elijah grabs my waist and yanks me forward. I screech, shocked as I fall flat on the cushioned seat and Elijah yanks up the skirts of my dress.

“You want to be fucked so bad? Used like a common whore? Very well.” He grunts, placing himself between my thighs and reaching for his zipper.

I shove at his chest, pushing until he falls back and then using my foot and kicking his stomach for good measure. Eliljah could overpower me with ease, but he doesn’t fight back as I scramble to the door and put as much space between us as possible.

“You will never touch me.” I state.

Elijah curls his hands into fists before spinning and hitting his door. I flinch, fear filtering through the drunken mind as he pulls back and punches it again. He does it a third time before stilling, and I wrap my arms around my legs as he pants and drops his head into his hands.

“I hate you.” I hiss for good measure.

Elijah runs his hands through his hair before turning to look at me. His knuckles are bloody, but he doesn’t seem to notice as he shakes his head and meets my glare dead on.

“I just might think I hate you too, wife.”

He spits the title like it’s acid on his tongue.

We fall silent after our outburst, and I make sure to keep my space before carefully turning to look out the window. It’s pretty out tonight, and I lean against the glass as I stare at the stars. I wish I could be among them, up in the sky with no worries or fears.

Stars don’t worry about love or pain or whether or not their husband cares about them.

They just are.