All the World's a Stage - Chapter 30

“I found one!”

“Me too! A red one!”

“Oh. Mine is red too.”

Sawa set the flag back where he found it, kicking sand over it. “That stinks. Did someone get here before us?”

“I didn’t see any footprints,” Kihon said.

Their third teammate finally gave them his name only after they set off from the village. They had been assigned Fukohei Oasis as their Exam mission. The pond was dry for most of the year, but the bedrock was close to the surface here, allowing a proper oasis to form during the rainy season. For two months of the year, it was a refreshing splash of water in a dry wasteland. The rest of the year, it was barren.

It was barren now, and Shinema was trying to climb a thirsty palm tree without the wood cracking under her weight.

“We are ninja,” she said, annoyed. “If a Suna-nin can’t walk across the desert without disturbing the sand, they don’t deserve to be chunin.”

Kihon looked behind himself, then scowled. “What do you know?”

She reached the top, sighed, and then dropped back down. “I think Racer Goryū has students in the exam this year. We were moving fast, but if they got assigned the oasis too they could have beat us.”

Sawa tilted his head. “You don’t think they’d steal more blue flags than they need, do you?”

“That’s stupid. We’re all Sand, why would we compete against each other before the tournament?”

“It’s what I would do,” Kihon shrugged. He picked up a rock. “Oh! Here’s a blue one--ack!”

Sawa and Shineme ran over, just in time to see the rattlesnake fleeing beneath the sands. “Oh my gosh, are you alright?!”

Kihon grimaced. “Yeah. No, it bit me,” he corrected. “But I’m training to be a medic, remember? Gimme a sec.”

The older genin held up the arm that was bitten, blood dripping to the ground, and held up his other hand with green medical chakra dancing between his fingers. He grabbed his elbow, and a purple light appeared beneath his skin. As the Muppet helpers watched, Kihon ‘grabbed’ the purple spot with his own chakra and pulled it back towards the puncture wound. He pulled, and Sawa had to leap backwards to avoid the poison that fountained out of the bite.

“That was gross, but impressive,” Shinema admitted.

Kihon blinked twice. “Y-yeah. Except… making your blood flow the wrong way has side effects, even f-for just a f-few seconds…”

Sawa’s brow furrowed. “Sush as--?”

Kihon collapsed, out cold.

The pair stared, disbelieving. Then Shinema groaned. “This guy is the worst.”

Sawa grunted. “But he found a blue flag, at least,” he said, seeing the cloth sticking out of the snake’s rock. “Do you want to carry him back, or should I?”

“I’ll carry him. You’re better in a fight if we get jumped.” She slapped a seal over his wound. It didn’t do anything, since she didn’t activate it, but it stuck fast and would serve as a decent bandage until they got back to the village. “Let’s go.”

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Meanwhile, the Ame trio were told to go to Kyūsui-tō no Niwa, a cactus patch to the west of Suna. There were cacti here taller than Suna’s walls.

There were also a lot of unconscious genin.

Nagato kicked a rock leftover from one of his attacks. “Do you think we overdid it?”

Konan winced as a limb fell off a cactus and juice spilled over some poor kunoichi’s head. “Maybe a little. Sensei did tell us to hold back…”

“Too late now,” Yahiko said with finality. “And we were holding back. Not our fault no one here has good teamwork.”

“True. N--Toga didn’t even get that guy, he got knocked out by his own teammate dodging into him.”

Nagato snorted. “Did you see the blonde? She dodged my boulder by substituting with her friend. Poor guy.”

“Anyway. I’ve got a red one.”

“And I’ve got blue,” Konan confirmed.

Yahiko smiled, satisfied. “Piece of cake.”

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Meanwhile

“It’s the Muppet Show, with our special guest, Puppetmaster Chiyo! YAAAAY!!!”

---

Kermit sat beside Chiyo, who looked less than thrilled to be there. 

“You know something, madam, we’ve asked you to guest star for us before and you always refused. What changed your mind?”

Chiyo huffed. “You convinced my brother to come on. That idiot wouldn’t let me hear the end of it if I didn’t, after that.”

“Oh. Well, regardless of the reason we’re very happy to have you, you know. We here on the Muppet Show have nothing but respect for puppeteers.”

“Is that so?” Chiyo raised a single skeptical eyebrow.

“Oh yes. We think puppeteers don’t get enough credit for all the work they do. It’s a hard job, as I’m sure you know.”

Chiyo looked amused now. “Indeed.”

“It’s why we wanted you on the show so badly, no one here is any good at puppets--ow!” Kermit had suddenly smacked himself, and now looked at his hand suspiciously. “That was weird, why did I do that?”

Chiyo chuckled to herself, standing. “Well, if you’re so eager to see my work, I suppose I can indulge you.”

----------

While the audience watched Chiyo show off her personal puppets, Statler and Waldorf watched, rapt.

“Ooh, that was a good one!”

“Bravo! Bravo!”

“Ah, I tell you Statler, that Chiyo sure is something.”

“Watch it, Waldorf…”

“Something wonderful, I meant,” the shorter puppet clarified. “What did you think I was gonna say?”

“Oh. Nothing.”

“In fact, I might go down there and give her my compliments personally.”

Statler jerked. “You what?! You old fool, did you forget you’re married again?”

“Oh right.”

“Hmph. The nerve of some people.” Statler stood from his seat. “Good idea though, hope you don’t mind if I steal it.”

“You what?” Waldorf watched him jumped from the balcony. “Statler, no! You have so much to live for!” Statler ignored him, walking backstage. “...Just as well. I don’t know what I’d have said if he asked me what.”

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Jiraiya had been slightly disappointed to not be involved in the exams, but he understood why. And despite his teasing, he knew better than to do research that could jeopardize the shaky diplomacy they’d started building.

So he ended up back in the Muppet Show’s tent. And now he was being treated to the sight of the famous Chiyo of the Ten Dancers having to deal with a flirtatious old man-puppet.

Jiraiya had to force himself not to laugh. The old hag was subtle enough for the civilians to miss it, but he could tell that whoever was controlling the Statler puppet was going to be in big trouble later on.

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“This is Louis Kazagger, your guide to the Weird World of Muppet Sports! And also, your host for the Muppet Exams! Today, in this very theatre, we bring to you the Third Exam, an all-out brawl of a tournament between the Hidden Villages of Sawdust, Mirror and Curtain. Curtain has the disadvantage, as both Sawdust and Mirror are down one due to the previous exams! After Gonzo’s display of fortitude, it’s up in the air who will take home the gold this year!”

Kermit popped up next to him. “For those of you unaware, the different villages have different specialties. For example--”

“Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?” Kazagger demanded. He looked Kermit up and down; the frog was wearing a tan trenchcoat and held a thin microphone identical to Kazagger’s own.

“I’m co-commentating.”

“You can’t do that, I’m a one-man-show!”

“Well this is my theatre,” Kermit retorted.

Kazagger stared at him. He took a breath and plowed on. “Up first: Slash versus Lady!”

“The Village Hidden in the Sawdust is known for producing weapons specialists, packing their bodies filled with tricks and traps,” Kermit declared as the two puppets appeared onstage. “The Dekukage is arriving to officiate… and, begin!”

“An immediate assault by Slash, and are those? I think they are! Sawdust’s signature sawblades sweep for success!”

Kermit gasped. “Lady blocks with her face! Incredible! The blades lose teeth against her porcelain mask, and Lady takes advantage of the proximity to--ooh!”

“Lady breathes fire! Slash is backpedaling now; Sawdust puppets hate fire!”

“I think everyone hates fire,” Kermit pointed out.

“Hush. Oh, Slash is disarmed, literally!”

“Lucky he has three more. A hidden blade emerges, and Lady takes it in the chest! That would be really bad if any of us had vital organs!”

“Lady has him in a chokehold now! Oh, she’s trying to screw his head off!”

“And he breaks out of it! They better hurry, before the time limit runs out.”

“That’s right, before the--” Kazagger paused. “Time limit? I don’t remember a time limit.”

“I cleared it with the Dekukage,” Kermit said, a trifle smug. “It’s an additional challenge that changes the win condition from ‘beat your opponent’ to ‘outlast them.’”

“What’s the challenge?”

“Well, you’ll see in five.”

“Five what? Minutes?”

“...three… two… one!”

The lights flickered, and then Lady Chiyo and a burly puppet made of white-painted wood dropped down from above. Slash and Lady froze in the middle of a grapple, staring at the new arrival.

Chiyo smirked, with the air of a cat staring at a fish in a bowl. “Hello, dears. Run.”

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What followed was a slaughter.

----------------------

Jiraiya watched the ‘tournament’ thoughtfully. Chiyo clearly hadn’t lost any skill to time; it was probably a benefit of her art. Puppetry was much less physically intensive than other fields of ninjutsu. The body begins to fail with age, chakra control tends to stick around much longer, and the puppets will last for as long as they’re maintained.

The play-fighting the ‘genin’ had been having before fell away, and whoever was behind the two puppets stopped playing around in the face of Chiyo’s might.

They were good. The battle was being fought at half-speed for the benefit of the civilians, but Jiraiya could tell they were good. The ‘Sawdust’ puppet ended up being the one to survive, but the porcelain doll didn’t go quietly. Eventually Chiyo shattered Lady’s mask, and she surrendered immediately.

The next fight was Piggy and the third, unnamed Sawdust puppet. Jiraiya fully expected the Muppets to make a joke out of battle.

Miss Piggy did not. Despite being half her opponent’s size she appeared to outweigh him by a significant margin, tossing her wooden foe up and down the stage. As far as he could tell it wasn’t a play-fight either; Piggy got a cut across the cheek and started bleeding sand, and she instantly retaliated by breaking two out of six limbs. He could feel the force from his seat. Chiyo didn’t even show up.

Jiraiya decided to leave after they called up Fozzie and Duchess and it became clear that this fight was a joke. He was pretty sure he’d gotten the gist of this show.

…Alright, he was just getting a snack. He wanted to see if they’d convinced Chiyo to sing  for the finale.

“Excuse me?”

Jiraiya started. “Oh, sorry about that, did I bump you?” The response was automatic when he felt someone tap him. He felt silly when he saw a Muppet standing there: the janitor character, George.

“Got a letter for you,” the muppet muttered, handing a crumpled envelope over and walking off.

Jiraiya looked around. No one else seemed to have noticed that. Welp.

He sat back down and opened the letter. Inside were a handful of tickets… on closer inspection, they were coupons for free food during the next show.

Something tickled Jiraiya’s senses, and he glared at the slips suspiciously.

…ultimately he shook the feeling away. He’d be coming anyway. His team would be done with the exam by Friday, and he expected they’d want to come back to see it. Free food was free food.

And besides, looking around he saw a handful of muppets handing out envelopes randomly. He must have just gotten lucky.