All the World's a Stage - Chapter 29

Statler returned to his seat to find Waldorf already there.

“Where were you?” his friend asked.

“In the bathroom. Is the show back on?”

“You got here just in time.”

“Darn, I was hoping I missed it. Dohoho!”

----------------------------

Kazagger shuffled his cards. “As you all already know, the Quiz is a game to ten points, first to reach it wins, and whoever is in last place at the end is knocked out of the Exams.”

Fozzie raised his hand.

“This doesn’t affect your teammates ability to move on, but being down a man will undoubtedly make things harder for them in the second round.”

Fozzie lowered his hand, relieved. “Thank goodness. Piggy would kill me if I got her disqualified.”

“I want to kill you know,” Duchess said idly, not bothering to look at him.

Fozzie gaped. “Wha--What did I do to you?”

She turned her head just slightly. “I can’t stand having to share the room with a creature as disgusting as you.”

Fozzie drew back, offended. Then he raised an arm and sniffed. “Oh. Understandable, carry on.”

“It’s good to see our contestants getting along, folks,” Kazagger declared. “But it’s time to get started. First question.”

Fozzie looked down and saw the buzzer in front of him. He hovered one hand over the button in anticipation.

“Why?”

Fozzie blinked. “Why?”

BZZZZ

Fozzie’s score ticked down, leaving him at -1.

“I’m sorry, you have to buzz in first before giving your answer,” Kazagger said, not sounding sorry.

Ding

“Duchess?”

“Why not?”

“Correct!”

Fozzie looked from the host to the doll in disbelief. “Wha--wait, that doesn’t even--”

BZZZZ

His score ticked down again.

“Next question: Lemon.”

Ding

“Duchess?”

“Lime.”

“Correct again!”

Fozzie shared a look with Hack behind the doll’s back. To his gratification he also looked just as confused as he felt.

“Question three: What is--” Kazagger paused, put on a pair of glasses, and started again. “What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

Ding

“Fozzie?”

“Are we talking the mainland species or the Mizu species?”

“Correct!”

“Wait, w--okay.”

----------------------------------

“I can’t believe this,” Kermit groaned. “They take over my theatre for this?”

One of the band members walked by, and Kermit waved him down.

“Oh, Floyd! I’m hoping we’ll still have time for your jazz number after this… quiz.”

“Mm, no can do, boss man,” the pink muppet said apologetically.

“Why not?”

“Correct again!”

Kermit and Floyd both jumped as the announcer shouted onstage.

“You didn’t even ask a question!” Fozzie protested.

BZZZZ

“...Right,” Floyd said after a moment. “Well, the exam proctors asked us to do the music for this quiz show. They’ve got a whole ending sequence and everything. And they’re paying us a lot more than you do, so…” He shrugged.

“Fine, I get it.” Kermit lit up. “Wait, you’ve spoken to the guys in charge?”

“The guy, yeah.”

“Can you tell me where he is? Maybe I can convince him to let me have my theatre back.”

Floyd looked dubious at that, but said anyway, “Sure, it’s your funeral. That’s him right there.”

The bassist pointed behind Kermit.

The curtains opened up further and the Dekukage towered over them both.

“Oh,” Kermit said quietly. “I see.”

“M’lord, the frog here wanted to talk to you.”

The Dekukage’s eyes seemed to cut right through him. He gestured with one hand. Well?, was the obvious message.

Kermit gulped. “Er. Er. I just wanted to say… it’s an honor to have the Puppet Exams in my theatre, sir. Th-thank you for the privilege.”

The Dekukage nodded acknowledgement before walking away, seeming to glide across the floor.

Floyd gave Kermit a look. “You sure showed him, boss.”

“You still want a job after the exams are over?”

Floyd raised his hands placatingly and left.

Kermit, meanwhile, just sighed and let his head fall onto his desk with a thud.

--------------------------------

Duchess sadly reached ten points first, making her the winner. Fozzie didn’t do too badly, but his constant confused complaints and subsequent point reductions left him with only a single point to his name at the end.

Happily, for Fozzie at least, Louis Kazagger wasn’t able to understand sign language, and so Hack was unfortunately bereft of any points at all. Fozzie felt for the guy, even though he was made of cotton.

“A runaway victory, folks!” Kazagger declared. “With ten points against one and zero, Duchess wins!”

(“This isn’t fair!”) Hack said, signing furiously.

“Sir, please, enough with the hand seals, ninjutsu is not allowed in this portion of the Exams,” Kazagger admonished. “Though there’s not much I can do, since you’re already disqualified.”

“This is an outrage.”

The lights dimmed, and when they came back a massive, scorpion-like puppet appeared in the middle of the set. Several audience members had to stifle screams.

The scorpion puppet grabbed Kazagger by the neck. “Hack answered the question correctly every time you called on him, and you give him no credit just because you can’t understand his response?”

“Leave the idiot alone.” The Dolls’ sensei walked onstage, face hidden behind a ceramic mask. “Duchess won fair and square.”

“I do not dispute that,” the scorpion puppet growled. “My anger is that the idiot bear beat him!”

“Hey!”

The Sawdust leader glared at Fozzie.

“Shutting up now.”

Rowlf ran onstage, hands up in a placating gesture. “Hey now, hey now, listen, Fozzie may be an idiot, but this is just another part of the test, alright?”

“Rowlf?!”

“Hush you. Listen, Hau, was it?” Rowlf cleared his throat. “The intelligence test is always about adaptability, right? Well, Hack just wasn’t able to adapt.”

Kazagger managed to draw in a breath. “He should have swapped in a friend!”

Hau stared over Rowlf’s head. Then, all three sensei turned to look at Kazagger. “What?” Hau asked.

“If--All contestants can either poll someone from the crowd or call in a teammate to replace them--urk!”

Hau’s claw tightened. “Why did you not tell anyone this?”

“...D-did I not?”

Hau threw the host as hard as he could.

Up in the balcony, Waldorf withdrew an overly large paddle and swatted Kazagger back to the stage as he drew close.

Once he came back down, Hau turned to slap the host out of the air with his tail, sending him flying backstage. Rowlf winced at the crashing sound that ensued.

“...Don’t worry, Hack. There’s always next time.”

“Indeed,” Ebizo said. “You’re still young, after all.”

Everyone present jumped at Ebizo’s appearance. The lights hadn’t fallen like they had for Hau, and yet no one, not even the audience, had noticed him arrive until he spoke.

“Ebizo-san,” the Mirror sensei acknowledged.

The old man bowed to her. “The Dekukage asked me to inform you that the Survival portion of the Exam will begin shortly. Everyone should decide who’s going to partake.”

-------------

“You know, it’s good to see an old geezer like that on stage,” Waldorf said.

Statler looked at him. “Really? Why’s that?”

“If he’s still got it, then why not me?”

“Ha! You old fool, you’ve still got it alright. If by ‘it’ you mean dentures!”

Statler laughed at his own joke.

Waldorf slapped him, sending Statler’s own false teeth flying out into the audience. Below, a woman screamed as they fell in her lap.

Statler gave the other muppet a glare before leaning over. “Hey! ‘Ould you ‘oss those ba’ up here?”

They hit him in the eye, and he went down.

Waldorf watched him for a second, then turned back to the stage with a satisfied nod. “Yup. Good to see us old geezers still got it. Heh heh heh.”

---------------------

Kermit was backstage, being tended to by Janice. “Ow! Watch it there.”

“Like, sorry Mr. the Frog,” Janice said. “It’s just, like, been a long time since nursing school. I’m having trouble remembering what I’m doing.”

Kermit looked at the audience. “...Oh good. I was worried something would go well and break my streak for today.”

“Excuse me?” Piggy walked over, looking the scene up and down. “Who are you and what are you doing?”

“I’m, like, Janice,” said Janice. “I’m almost a nurse, and the boss man here is hurt.”

Piggy gasped. “My Kermie? Hurt? Don’t worry my love.~ HI-YAH!”

One swift chop to the top of the head, and Janice went down.

“Piggy?!”

“Oh, Kermie!~” Piggy pulled him close. “Fear not, for I, Miss Piggy, shall nurse you back to health! I shall not leave your side until you are well!”

“Well it’s the least you could do after injuring me in the first place.”

Piggy flinched back. “Kermit! Why would you accuse me of something so patently untrue?”

Kermit stared pointedly at the hole in the roof of the tent. George, on stilts, waved from where he was attempting to repair it.

“Silly me,” Kermit said, sounding bored. “The head injury must be making me misremember things. It wasn’t you that hurt me, it was the ground when I landed.”

“He’s delirious!” Piggy decided. “Rowlf! Rowlf, where is the staff nurse?”

The dog leaned into view and looked down. “Looks like she’s out cold on the floor.”

“Piggy,” Kermit interrupted before it could continue to escalate. “Piggy, I appreciate the care, I guess, but… what do you want?”

She gasped, hand over snout. “Me? Want something? Can I not simply wish to see my beloved well again?”

“Well--”

“But if you’re offering…”

“Shouldn’t you be getting ready for the survival exam?” Kermit asked.

Piggy snorted dismissively. “Oh, Gonzo’s doing that. That little twerp is indestructible. Now let’s stop talking about hook-nose, and instead talk about us.”

Kermit looked to Rowlf for help, and the dog took pity.

“Piggy, why don’t you go find a song to sing? Kermit’s still going to need a closing number.”

“It’s true,” said Ebizo, appearing out of nowhere. “I’m a terrible singer.”

Piggy looked pleased. “Well! Why didn’t you just say so?”

She walked off in a hurry.

------------------------

When the curtains opened again, Gonzo was standing between a pair of new puppets. Hack had worn red, but the new Sawdust team member was adorned in green and had a mop of wild hair on its head. The doll from Mirror was wearing yellow instead of Duchess’ purple. And Gonzo was still wearing the headband over his eyes, though he had at least cottoned on to the fact that this was blinding him, and was holding one side of it up as he looked around.

“So, do either of you know what to expect from the next test?” he asked.

The Doll ignored him, but the other puppet shrugged. “Who knows? I don’t think any of us were expecting a game show. It’s called the Survival Test, so it could be anything.” After a moment of silence, the green-cloaked figure leaned over and held out his hand. “Name’s Slash. My brother Hack was in the last exam.” Unlike his brother, he had an actual mouth.

Gonzo accepted the hand happily. “A pleasure! I am the Great Gonzo! And what’s your name?” he asked the Doll.

She tilted her head further away. “I do not speak with peasants.”

“Wow!” Gonzo said. “That must make taking missions hard!”

Slash stifled a laugh.

“Let me guess,” Gonzo suggested. “The last one was called Duchess, so you must be… Lady!”

“...”

“Countess?”

“......”

“How about Maiden?”

“Princess,” Slash offered.

“Heiress?”

“Maybe it’s after her dress, and she’s called Sunshine.”

“No, I’m pretty sure it’s… Daimyo!”

“Probably not.” Slash hummed. “How about… Brat.”

“Alright!” the Doll snapped, finally turning to face them. “My name is Marquess! And for the record my third teammate is Lady, so shut it!”

Gonzo looked pleased with himself. “She sounds angry, but I can see that smile on her face!”

“That isn’t a smile, idiot, this is a mask!”

“A mask, huh?” Slash’s face wasn’t built for expression, but he nevertheless endeavored to smirk. “Man, I don’t want to know what’s underneath if you’re hiding it with that ugly mug.”

Marquess’s body language screamed outrage. “Excuse me?!”

Gonzo, blissfully unaware that he was in the middle of a brewing battle, just smiled. “It’s nice to be making friends.”

Any further conversation was put on hold as a gong rang out, and Louis Kazagger walked out onstage with his arm in a sling and his nose bent at an angle. He didn’t let it slow him down, though, and as the puppets snapped back into attention, he cleared his throat and got started.

“Time for the Second Test of the Puppet Exams, the Survival Test! In this trial, contestants will prove to me, the audience, and the Dekukage that they are capable of withstanding the most grueling, the most painful, and the most egregious attacks imaginable!”

As he spoke, the Dekukage in his obscuring robes emerged from the black curtains to watch.

“Whoever survives, moves on to the combat exam! Contestants, are you ready?”

Slash and Marquess bowed. Gonzo spread his arms and shouted, “Bring it on!”

Kazagger looked to the Dekukage for confirmation, then nodded. “Then release the first obstacle!”

Something far above rattled. In front of the stage, Zoot stood up with a slide whistle and started a long, descending note.

The contestants milled about confusedly. It was Marquess who looked up and shrieked in shock. Slash almost didn’t react in time.

Three identical weights, apparently made out of metal and with the number ‘1000’ painted on the side facing the audience, all fell from above the stage at once. Slash reached up and caught his, staggering under the weight until two more hidden arms emerged from his cloak to balance it. His knees bent from the strain, but at the end he stood strong, unbroken.

Marquess panicked, pulling an oversized fan from her sleeve and attempting to bat the weight aside. There was a frozen moment where it seemed as though she would fail, but she ultimately managed to alter the falling weight’s course enough to miss her by a few inches. She did not manage it without cost, however, and her arm snapped in the process. She hissed and held her broken arm in pain.

Gonzo was squashed completely flat, with only his arms sticking out on either side. From underneath, muffled laughter could be heard.

“An impressive show of strength from Sawdust!” Kazagger declared. “Marquess, redirecting the impact is impressive, but the goal is to endure, not avoid. I’m afraid that will be a points reduction.”

“But--!”

The Dekukage grabbed Gonzo’s weight by a handle on the side and lifted it off of him. The pancaked muppet underneath grinned. “Anyone got a spatula?”

“Gonzo from Maku, are you still able to continue?” Kazagger asked.

“Of course I am! This is nothing!”

“Incredible! While Gonzo fixes himself up, let’s move on to the next obstacle!”

Three tubs of water slid on stage, each stopping before a contestant and sloshing water all over the place.

“Waterboarding!”

Slash gasped, still holding up the metal slab. “You have got to be kidding me.”

Gonzo whooped. “Yeah, baby!”

---------------------

Kermit winced as he watched from offstage. “Eesh. I feel like I should stop this.”

“I don’t think you could,” Ebizo said. “Your kage is right there, after all.”

“I’m not a ninja, he’s not my anything,” Kermit groused. “This show has been a disaster.” He let his head drop into his hands. “I’m so sorry, Ebizo, this was supposed to be your show and it’s all ruined.”

The elder patted him on the back. “It’s fine, it’s fine… truth be told, I was a little worried about some of the things you were having me do. Singing in one thing, but I’m not honestly sure I can still jump around like I used to. That trapeze act might have gone badly.”

Kermit hummed noncommittally. “If you say so.”

The both winced as Gonzo was trampled by a horse and continued to get up asking for more.

“How did they get a horse out here anyway? Don’t they not like sand?”

“A mystery for the ages,” Ebizo agreed.

(In the audience, one of the nobles’ attendants left in a hurry to check on their carriage; that horse looked too familiar.)

“You may not be a shinobi, Kermit,” Ebizo said, “But I think you could use an important lesson that any shinobi learns sooner or later. It’s one that I had reinforced again and again, over my career.”

“What that?”

“Sometimes, no matter what you do or how you plan, things just go wrong.” Ebizo picked Kermit up, to his surprise, and set him on his desk so they could properly look at each other. “Maybe your target randomly looks in your direction at the wrong moment. Maybe your equipment breaks when you least expect it. Or maybe you’ve found a place to hide ahead on the path when they suddenly decide to take the scenic route and you’re waiting for hours before realizing they aren’t coming your way.” 

“Did that last one happen to you?” Kermit asked. Ebizo had gotten a little worked up.

“Mm. The point is, sometimes it’s just a bad day. And the only thing you can do about it is adapt.”

“Adapt,” Kermit repeated. “As simple as that, huh?”

“It’s all you can do, sometimes.”

Kermit nodded, thoughtful. “You know what, maybe you’re right. I just need to--Ebizo?”

The old man had vanished while he was looking away.

“Where did he--oh, looks like they’re wrapping up.”

-----------------------

“Well that’s just impressive,” Waldorf said.

“What happened?” Stalter asked. “I blinked.”

“Well I didn’t! I was looking right at Ebizo and he still managed to get away with his vanishing act. How does he do it?”

Statler scoffed. “Oh, is that all? It’s simple, watch.”

Waldorf turned. Statler was gone.

“Wuh? Statler, where did you go?”

Down below, in the attendant’s empty seat, Statler laughed, elbowing his neighbor. “Not bad, huh? Eh heh heh heh!”

------------------------

“...and for the final trial,” Kazagger finally said. “Each of the contestants must survive a single attack.”

Gonzo cheered, while Slash looked resigned.

Marquess was cracking up, literally. Her mask was covered in cracks and her nerves were clearly frayed. “An attack?! Fine, why not! What’s it going to be? Fire? Lightning? I can take it! Shuriken? They will bounce off!”

A thud silenced her, and all three turned to see the Dekukage leaning on a massive kanabo club.

“...no.”

“YES!” Gonzo ran forward. “Do it!”

Members of the audience ducked as, for the third time that night, a Muppet went sailing overhead. Gonzo cackled all the way out of the tent.

Slash took a blow to the shoulder, and lost the arm as a result. That cost him points.

Then Marquess ran away, hands protecting her face. “No! I refuse! Promotion isn’t worth this!”

“And Marquess from Mirror is disqualified for refusing!” Kazagger declared. “Gonzo is the winner of the Second Exam! Wherever he ended up, congratulations are in order!”

The Dekukage bowed, and Kazagger stepped in front of him.

“That concludes this evening’s Puppet Exams. Return here Monday afternoon for the Third Exam, where puppet fights puppet and only one will be left standing!”

---------

Kermit walked out, looking morose. “So they’re going to take over the next show, too, huh? Well, fine. I’ll figure it out. As for you all, you’ve been a lovely audience, and thank you for sticking around despite this disaster of a show. As a reward for your patience, here is Miss Piggy to send us off. Piggy, if you would?”

The pig stepped out, still in her shinobi outfit, and gave the people a wink.

“Oh-oh-oh-ohhhh~
Oh-oh-oh-ohhhh~
Oh-oh-oh-ohhhh~
Ahem.”

She struck a fighting pose

“Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!
Your mind becomes fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing~”