All the World's a Stage - Chapter 28

“It’s the Muppet Show, with our special guest, Honorable Ebizo! YAAAAY!!!”

---

The theme song proceeded as before, up until Fozzie’s joke.

Fozzie was standing onstage, wearing a black shirt and facing away from the audience. The theme song for his section looped once, before Zoot blasted a loud note to get his attention. Fozzie jumped and turned to face the people, revealing that an actual hitai-ate  had replaced his usual Hoshi-patterned scarf around his neck. The cloth of the band was still star-patterned, but the plate itself was emblazoned with a ‘儡’, the symbol for ‘puppet.’

“Oh, hey!” he said, twirling a kunai on one furry finger. He looked stage right, confused. “Uh, right! Gonzo asked if he could borrow some of my throwing stars, and I said, ‘Sure ‘e can!’ Aaaaahhhh!”

Kermit shoved him onstage as the band finally continued the song. 

“To introduce our guest star
That’s what I’m here to do.
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you:
The Honored Uncle of Suna, Ebizo! YAY!”

The old man walked out, a nondescript Whatnot helping him across the stage as he complained about not needing the help. He unsealed a cane and used it to hit the muppet like a golf ball, sending her flying over the crowd into the balcony.

“But now let’s get things started
On the most sensational,
Inspirational,
Celebrational
Muppet-tational!
This is what we call the Muppet Shooooooow!”

Gonzo banged the gong, and the mallet bounced off and hit him in the face.

--------------------------------------

Statler and Waldorf looked at the Whatnot who was getting up woozily.

She looked between them. “Oh! Well. Would you two gentlemen be interested in the Shady Sands Retirement Home?”

The old Muppets shared a look. Then they silently grabbed her by the ankles and threw her over the edge of their box.

“No thanks!”

“The nerve of that lady,” Waldorf grumbled. “What kind of feeble old men does she think we are?”

Statler held up his hand, hanging limply from his wrist. “I think I sprained something while picking her up.”

“Huh. Eh, you’ll be fine.”

----------------------------------------

(No one was expecting Elder Ebizo to be the guest star. Chiyo would have made sense, but Ebizo? Everyone knew that he was just as legendary as his elder sister, but no one remembered why anymore. He was never seen training, no one alive could recall seeing him fight, and his current status as an advisor to the Kazekage shed no light at all on what greatness he might once have obtained. He was a complete mystery; no one knew anything about what kind of missions he had once taken.

Perhaps, if they thought harder about that, they might realize what kind of missions he took after all.)

The curtains opened for the starting number. To the audience’s confusion, there was nothing onstage but a red shamisen, propped up on a stand. Everyone sat in confused silence for a moment, until it seemed even the Muppet band was confused.

Janice, accompanied by a sudden spotlight, climbed onto the stage, looking around. Upon finding no one, she shrugged and grabbed the shamisen herself, sitting down to play it.

There was a snap and an ominous crack, and the entire room felt compelled to looked up at the watchtower holding the whole place up.

The old men looked back down at them.

“What? Don’t look at us,” Statler complained. “Look at them!”

The audience looked back at the stage. Elder Ebizo was sitting next to Janice with a shamisen of his own, having arrived completely unnoticed by anyone. Including Janice, if the way she jumped was any indication.

And then, with a smirk, he started playing. And Janice joined in.

---------------------------

After Ebizo took a bow and the audience had finished clapping, the curtains drew back on the backstage area.

Kermit looked over the schedule laid out on his desk worriedly. “Hm. That’s odd, I had Fozzie up next, and he’s not here.” He leaned back, looking off to the right. “I wouldn’t call him punctual, but he’s only ever late for employee performance reviews.”

Behind him, Rowlf exited a dressing room and walked down the stairs. He was wearing his hitai-ate proudly on his forehead, except instead of the Leaf it displayed a different symbol. In its usual place around his neck he instead wore a red bandanna, and he also had on a tan vest over a black shirt.

“Come to think of it,” Kermit said to himself, “I haven’t seen Gonzo or Miss Piggy today either. Normally I can’t get rid of them, what gives?”

Rowlf looked up and stepped over. “Hey, Kermit, did I hear you say Gonzo and Piggy were scheduled tonight?”

“That’s right, Fozzie too. Why, do you know where they are?”

The dog chewed his fingernails. “Ah, heck. Kermit, they can’t perform tonight, they have a thing today.”

“What?” Kermit asked, flabbergasted. “Well, what about you? I didn’t have a harp solo planned tonight, but--”

“I got a thing too. The same thing, actually.”

“What?!” Kermit demanded. “Why did all of you plan something tonight?”

“We didn’t plan it, as such,” Rowlf admitted. “The Puppet Exams don’t have a set date, they just kind of happen and you have to scramble to join them before admission closes.”

Kermit’s mouth fell open. “The what?!”

“Yeah, see,” Rowlf said, pulling out a calendar with a shuriken clearly impaled through a single date. “I woke up with this in my kitchen this morning. It’s sort of the first test, see? Testing how fast you can respond--”

“I know what the Puppet Exams are, Rowlf! What are you doing taking them?”

“Oh, I’m not. Those other three are, though, and they asked me to be their sensei for them.” He flapped a hand back and forth. “Er. Sponsor. Something like that.”

Kermit groaned. “But what about the show?”

“You’ll figure something out,” Rowlf assured him.

“But the show is happening right now!”

Rowlf patted him on the back, nearly knocking him over. “Sorry, out of time! Gotta go!”

Rowlf hurried off to the left, leaving Kermit in the lurch. The frog leaned on his desk, head in hand. “Sheesh. Couldn’t they give me any warning? Even an hour earlier and I could have scraped together something… Now who am I going to put on… stage…?”

Kermit slowly looked up towards the audience, then to the right.

“Wait, did Rowlf just--”

------------------------

The curtains pulled back, and the sight that greeted them was an unusual one.

Gonzo, Piggy, and Fozzie were lined up, each wearing something approximating ninja gear. Fozzie had already been seen, but Piggy’s dress was a much darker shade of purple, and her hair had been pinned back. She’d been given a pair of sturdy boots, and like Fozzie, she was wearing a Puppet headband across her forehead.

Gonzo had attempted to wear a headband too, but owing to the fact that he had a lot less forehead than either Fozzie or Piggy, his had slipped down over his eyes.

Rowlf arrived and walked around them, inspecting. “Look at you guys… You almost look like ninja, how about that.”

Piggy huffed.

Rowlf paused by Gonzo, pulling up the headband to look him in the eyes. “Almost,” he repeated, letting it drop again. “I gotta be frank with you, are you sure you want to do this? It’s not going to be easy, especially for Fozzie.”

The bear gasped. “What, why me?”

Rowlf shook his head, ignoring him. “But if I’m going to be your sponsor, I need to know where you are first. Gonzo, hit me.”

Rowlf held up one hand, palm facing out. Gonzo shouted something incomprehensible and lashed out wildly. Since his eyes were still covered, he completely missed Rowlf until the dog took pity and stepped in range of his attacks.

Rowlf grunted at the force behind the punch. “Not bad. You’re stronger than you look, kid.”

“I do all my own stunts!” Gonzo said.

Rowlf looked to the side. “Yeah, I’ve seen your stunts. No one but you would. Fozzie, you next.”

The bear frowned, a look of determination crossing his face. He pulled his fist back, and put his entire body into one massive, gigantic blow. He hit Rowlf’s hand with all the force he could muster.

Rowlf tilted his head. “Huh.”

“Pretty good, huh?” Fozzie asked. “No one can match me bear-handed! Ha!”

“Not unless they were sick.”

“Hey, hey, hey, what is this?!” Kermit demanded, running out. “Rowlf, why are you doing this on the stage, during the show?”

“Remember how I said that the date of the Exams are a surprise?” Rowlf started.

“Yes, and--wait, don’t tell me. The location is a surprise too?”

Rowlf tapped his nose. “Got it in one.”

“Why wasn’t I informed about thai ahead of time?!”

“It wouldn’t be a surprise, then would it Frog?” Fozzie answered.

Piggy put a hand on her hip. “Surely you already knew all this, Kermie. After all, didn’t you take the Exams once yourself?”

Kermit stared at her. “Piggy, I’m not a shinobi.”

All four of the others stared at him (except Gonzo, who looked the wrong way). “You aren’t?” Piggy asked.

“No!”

“Yes you are!”

“No, I’m not!”

“Kermit, I’ve seen you jumping between trees before,” Fozzie chimed in.

“I’m a frog.”

Piggy scoffed. “Then explain how you hide yourself so well whenever you go camping in the swamp?”

Kermit looked down at his green skin. “I’m a frog.”

Gonzo raised a hand. “But I saw you doing that exercise where you plucked flies out of the air while they were flying!”

“I. Am. A. Frog, Gonzo! I was hungry!”

“Alright, alright, let’s calm down here,” Rowlf intervened. He scratched his head. “Look, I dunno, just, keep the show going around us and we’ll figure things out.”

“Figure things out? This is a disaster!”

“It’s not like I’m happy about this either, frog,” Piggy snapped. “I had a solo tonight, and now all that rehearsal is for nothing!”

Kermit paused, still visibly agitated. “...Well, maybe some good came out of this after all.”

SMACK

Piggy hit Kermit hard enough that he soared over the audience and tore a hole through the tent. “JERK!”

Rowlf whistled, while behind him Fozzie reacted in fear. “Not bad at all, Piggy,” the dog complimented. “Maybe you guys have a shot after all.”

“What?” Gonzo raised the headband off his eyes. “What happened? Where did Kermit go?”

“Hmph.” Piggy turned her nose up. “I suppose I don’t mind carrying the team to victory. After all, I carry this show all the time.”

-----------------------------

Kermit stumbled back into the backstage from outside, lightly bandaged. “Oof. Ow. Today is not proceeding as I expected.” The frog walked up and leaned heavily against a pillar. “What am I going to do?”

“What seems to be the problem?”

Kermit jumped, and the curtain adjusted itself to reveal that the ‘pillar’ Kermit had chosen to lean against was in fact Ebizo. “Oh! Sorry about that.”

“It's no trouble to me. What’s the trouble with you?”

Ebizo pulled a chair from offstage and sat down. Kermit sat on a step beside him.

“These Puppet Exams. I was really excited about this show, but now everything’s going wrong.”

Ebizo nodded, rubbing his chin. “I see… My village is having their Chunin Exams right now. It’s always such a hassle, you know. Some years it practically brings the rest of the village to a halt to accommodate for it, so I understand the frustration.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yes, one year a target from Mizu no Kuni came to visit, and we have a policy to not take assassination missions within the village.” He smiled, looking more like a grandpa telling charming stories to his grandkids than a ninja reminiscing about murder. “I had to stand there and watch for an entire month as he roamed the village right under my nose. And oh, he was a real piece of work--I had to talk with him more than once, and every time it took all my self control not to kill him. He made fun of my eyebrows, can you believe it?”

Kermit swallowed, glancing at the audience. “Er. No, that’s awful.”

“He was, yes.” Ebizo stared off into space for a moment. “Eventually he ran out of excuses to stick around, and I tailed him right up to the border… It’s not very professional to take enjoyment from my line of work, but I admit to being very professionally satisfied with that one.”

“Sir,” Kermit said, hurriedly, “I feel the need to remind you that we have children in the audience.”

“Hm? Oh, yes, sorry. My point is that things can be frustrating right now, but they tend to work out in the end.”

Kermit sighed. “Maybe you’re right.”

The tent flap Kermit had entered from blew open again, and they turned to see what the commotion was. Three identical dolls with ceramic faces walked by in perfect lockstep. The walked in a straight line, which incidentally resulted in each of them stepping on Kermit’s foot in turn as though they failed to notice him at all, before turning and marching onto the main stage.

Kermit hissed, holding his flipper in pain. “Argh!”

Ebizo rose, looking concerned. “Oh my. I’ll get some help.”

“Please.” As Ebizo walked away, Kermit groaned. “I hope this isn’t going to be a pattern.”

------------------

Kermit hobbled onstage, leaning on a crutch. “Urgh. Uh, sorry about all the confusion everyone, this show’s gotten away from me I think.”

“Good! Maybe this time it’ll stay away!” Statler called.

Kermit grimaced. “Right. Well, in an attempt to get the show back on track--”

“No,” Waldorf despaired, “The poor thing was almost free, let it escape!”

“...I present Marvin Suggs and a new instrument he claims to have invented, the Muppaphone.”

Kermit limped away, and the curtains parted to reveal an ornate plinth, upon which sat a collection of eight pink or orange round creatures. Several were visibly quivering.

A blue Whatnot in outrageous ruffled clothing popping up from behind the stand, holding mallets.

“Hello to all the pretty peoples! I am the amazing, the magnificent, the ONLY Marvin a-Suggs! And this!” He smacked the table with a mallet, making the nearest critters flinch. “Is-a my Muppaphone! And now! You will be serenaded by their beautiful music! Like! So!”

Marvin began playing. This, to the moderate shock of the audience, consisted of hitting the Muppaphone hard enough for the creatures to shout in pain. What followed could only vaguely be called music.

Only a few measures passed before Kermit hurried back onstage, followed by Janice from the band, who was dressed in nurse’s scrubs.

“Hold it, hold it--This is the Muppaphone?”

“Yes-a!” Marvin confirmed, throwing his entire body into releasing the word.

“But you’re just hitting a bunch of animals!”

“That is the basis of the Muppaphone, yes-a!”

Janice and Kermit shared a look. “But doesn’t that hurt them, Mister Suggs?” she asked.

Suggs denied it. “Of course not!”

The Muppaphone made noises of dissent.

“SHUUUUUT UUUUP!” Suggs smacked the nearest critter, producing a middle G# and silencing the rest. “You see? They are here of their own free will! For the love of-a music, and because I make them!”

Kermit wasn’t convinced. “Suggs, I can’t even tell what song they were singing!”

“Also, it’s cruel.”

“Yes, Janice, thank you. Also it’s cruel.”

“Nonsense! Just listen!”

Suggs turned to continue playing. Just before he hit, however, a pop of chakra smoke replaced the critter with a wooden puppet head, creating a dull bonk.

“Eh?” Suggs, undeterred, hit the puppet head a second time. “This Muppaphone needs tuning!”

The puppet stood up from the stand, revealing how it towered over the rest of them. It glowered at Suggs as much as a being with empty holes for eyes could, then grabbed the mallets out of his hand and smacked Suggs instead.

It made a hollow sound, and Suggs collapsed like a falling tree. The Muppaphone cheered.

Kermit looked the newcomer up and down. “Er. Thanks, for that, but who are you supposed to be?”

The puppet pointed at the headband on its forehead, which bore the image of a rotary saw. (“I am from the Village Hidden in the Sawdust, and I’m here for the Exams.”)

It didn’t speak, owing to not having a mouth, and instead communicated through the common Suna sign. For the benefit of the civilian audience, a genjutsu provided translation via words hovering above the puppet’s head.

“What did he say, Mr. the Frog?”

“He said he’s here for the Exams, because of course he is,” Kermit grumbled. “Alright, fine. The stage is yours, I guess.”

-----

Janice helped Kermit leave again, and the audience watched the wooden puppet sweep the Muppaphone offstage, to their mild protestations, along with the unconscious Suggs. Once done, his hand split to reveal a metal saw blade, which he used to rapidly split the stand MArvin had been using into three equal sections, then went to stand behind one.

One of the ceramic dolls appeared behind a second stand, and that was when Team Muppet walked in.

Piggy looked around, confused. “Is this not where the Intelligence Test is happening?”

“Is where where what is happening?” Gonzo asked.

Piggy smacked him hard enough to send the headband flying, letting him see. “Knock it off!”

Fozzie grinned. “Too late, you did already!” Piggy glared at him, and he cowered. “I mean yes, this is where they told us to go.”

Suddenly: bright lights, loud and triumphant music, and a podium appeared facing the three stands. AWhatnot with an outrageous nose was manning it. “Get ready, everyone, for Exam One of the Puppet Exams!” he declared. “Welcome to the 21st Annual Super Fun Quirk Quiz!”

Piggy stared. “You have gotta be kidding me.”

“I’m your host, Louis Kazagger, and here are our lovely contestants! Representing Ogakuzugakure, Hack! Hack, are you ready?”

The red-robed puppet signed confirmation.

“Representing Kagamigakure, Duchess! Duchess, are you ready?”

The doll in the yellow kimono bowed.

“And representing Makugakure…” Kazagger paused. He shifted between his note cards. “Uh oh! Looks like someone didn’t fill out their paperwork!” The Whatnot noticed the Muppets off to the side. “Ah, there you are. Which of your team will be competing?”

Piggy, Gonzo and Fozzie huddled together.

“We all know my fabulous self will be best suited for the combat portion at the end,” Piggy said forcefully. “If only one of us can perform here, only one might be able to perform in each, so I need to be saved for last.”

“That leaves me and Gonzo,” Fozzie pointed out. “Gonzo, are you any good at quizzes?”

Gonzo didn’t respond. He was too busy looking at his sleeve. “Why didn’t you guys tell me I wore orange today? I wanted to wear sky blue instead! But I couldn’t see my wardrobe, so I had to guess.”

Piggy stared. “Fozzie, you’re up.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

Piggy glared.

“Yes, miss!”

“That’s better.

Fozzie broke the huddle and settled himself behind the vacant stand. “I’m here! Me, Fozzie Bear! I’m ready!”

“Then without further ado, let’s begin!”

-----------------------------

Statler shook his head. “Well, this is going to take a while. Show’s already running long.”

“I’m out of popcorn,” Waldorf complained. “I’m going to get some more.”

“But what if you miss something?”

“How could I? Nothing’s happened yet!”

Statler laughed. “Good point! I’ll come with.”