All the World's a Stage - Chapter 27

Jiki usually preferred to use a single, very powerful and complex puppet in combat, but she was perfectly capable of using more.

Hime had been her masterpiece. Her limbs could telescope up to thrice their normal length without losing strength, and then fold up for storage. The two arms and two legs in her disguised form split and unfolded into three weaponized arms and four legs for support, with an additional four legs tucked into her body. Beautiful design and clever application of storage seals made Hime… extremely complex. Controlling her was more like controlling three--no, four! Four puppets at once!

And since Jiki had already been controlling four puppets at once (maybe even five), practically speaking, then she could handle Team Hansha, the team of porcelain dolls from Kagamigakure, the Village Hidden By Mirrors.

Jiki had been allowed to name her team’s village herself.

The issue is that Team Hansha and Miss Piggy at the same time were more challenging, because they were doing very different things. Having to remember Piggy’s lines on top of that? Not easy.

But damn it, she wasn’t going to be upstaged by that freak Ondori. He might be the director, the writer, and the creator but she, Jiki, was the star!

“Ugh,” she groaned, dropping the threads and letting the puppets sit down. She rubbed her arms. “This would be so much easier if Piggy wasn't so heavy.”

She turned and found the pig had fallen in such a way that her head was looking directly at her. Jiki snorted.

“Yeah, I said it. I’ll say it again: You’re fat.” 

Shaking her head at her own antics, Jiki went to get some water. At the break table--Kokoro had set one up with water and fruit slices for while they practiced--Jiki got her drink and then found a spot to sit down.

As she sat on Sasori’s costume chest, she noticed a book laying open face-down on a crate nearby. She picked it up, out of curiosity.

“The Tale of the Utterly--huh?” She downed her cup. “Hey, Rooster!”

Across the backstage where Ondori was sewing a new Anything Muppet together. The puppeteer stopped with a grimace. “Don’t call me that,” he said in annoyance. “I barely tolerate it from Ozu.”

“Whatever--what’s this book?”

Ondori frowned, then understanding dawned. “Ah, right, that. Have you read ahead regarding our next few shows?”

“Just tonight’s and Mondays. What does that have to do with the book?”

Ondori shrugged. “Eh, you’ll find out. Thank you for reminding me, though, I need to deal with that soon.”

Jiki’s eyes twitched, then she rolled her eyes. “I don’t know why I expected a straight answer out of you, weirdo.”

Ondori looked out of the tent flap. “What time is it? Maybe I can go handle it now, actually.” He stood, then stopped and looked around. “Uh, but I’m not supposed to leave you alone.”

“What, you don’t trust me?” Jiki snarked. “Feh. I’m taking a break from this nonsense anyway. If you want to run some errands…” She paused, thinking better of it. “...then fuck you.”

Ondori looked unimpressed. “That’s not very ladylike.”

“Like you would know.”

“Hello?” Kokoro stepped inside the tent, looking around. “Ah, Jiki-chan, Ondori, you’re here already.”

Jiki pivoted. “Koko! What brings you here so early?”

Kokoro stepped aside, revealing the Academy-age boy and girl with her. “My son and his friend approached me about music lessons, and I thought this was as good a place to have them as any, with all the instruments we’re keeping here.”

Ondori’s eyes widened happily. “Really? That’s great! For several reasons, actually.” He walked Kermit over to himself. “You should introduce them to Dr. Teeth and the gang.”

The older woman smirked. “Yurasu is interested in learning the horn, and Rizumi saw me practicing guitar and wanted to try it out.”

“I can hardly blame her,” Jiki said. “It’s such an exotic sound!”

“This is great!” Ondori declared. “Everyone needs a hobby, I say. Good luck, kids!” He flashed a thumbs up even as Kermit hopped to his shoulder. “As it is, Kokoro-san, it’s good that you’re here. I need someone to supervise Jiki while I run an errand.”

Jiki scowled at him. “Shut up! I don’t need a babysitter!”

Kokoro smiled slyly. “Aww, but Jiki-chan, I was looking forward to hanging out with you again! I wanted to introduce you to Yurasu, and maybe to Suki later on as well.”

Jiki hesitated. Then she sulked. “Well, I guess if it’s you…”

“Great!” Ondori clapped. “I shouldn’t be long. I should run into Ozu while I’m out and we’ll both be back in time for the dress rehearsal.”

“Have fun, dear.”

“Whatever, just go already.”

-----------------------------------

The Kazekage looked over the gathered sensei of Sunagakure, and also… ‘Tetsu.’ ‘Tetsu’ was sitting across from Ozu, who clearly recognized him.

Satoshi cleared his throat. “The First Exam is now over, and very shortly the survival test will commence,” he announced. “My condolences to those of you whose teams have already failed.”

There was some grumbling at that. The Intelligence test was first for a reason. Any idiot could train and grow stronger with effort. A shinobi could be A-rank in a combat situation and still be a genin because he was too stupid to take up a leadership position. Of course, intelligence wasn’t everything; it was also important to be clever. Anyone clever enough to avoid getting caught cheating deserved to pass.

“There are no standouts in the First Exam this year,” Proctor Scarab announced. “However, 80% of the examinees passed without cheating or getting caught, which is excellent.”

“Really? How about that,” ‘Tetsu’ noted, in an elderly, wheezing voice. “Why, I remember back in my day… in my exams only thirty passed. Not thirty percent, thirty! It was embarrassing and they had to restructure the Academy to make sure no more simpletons graduated without being able to tell left from right…”

‘Tetsu’ rambled for a while longer. The Kazekage watched, vaguely interested and trying to decide if he was amused or annoyed.

The other jounin in the room weren’t as patient, and it was after five minutes of old man natter that someone snapped.

“Can you cut the act already? Everyone already knows who you are!”

Kazekage noted the speaker--Isogu, clanless, ninjutsu specialist, Fire and Wind Release, team one of the ones who were disqualified--and met ‘Tetsu’’s eyes. He nodded.

Like flipping a switch Jiraiya leaned back with an easy grin, persona completely abandoned. The difference was so stark that even though everyone in the room had already known, it made several flinch.

“Alright, alright. No point in acting, I get it.” He took the wig off. The white hair underneath made him look even older with his makeup on, even though it was much longer.

Ozu shook his head. “I can’t believe that disguise fooled anyone.”

Jiraiya tapped his nose. “The disguise isn’t as important as the context. No one is expecting Jiraiya the Great to be in Suna, and so they don’t see him. The wig and makeup is just to keep them from--what, what’s funny?”

Ozu had turned his head away to snicker into his hand. “S-Sorry. I know… someone else who calls themselves ‘the Great.’ He looks just like you, actually, same nose and everything.”

There was some scattered chuckles, mostly of the nervous sort, from those who knew what he was talking about.

“What? C’mon, what’s the joke?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“If we may continue, now that the pretense is dropped?” the Kazekage suggested. “Thank you for joining us, Jiraiya. You should be pleased to know that one of your students placed second in the written exam. And another only barely passed.”

Jiraiya looked caught between pleased and annoyed. “Oh yeah? Which ones?”

Satoshi looked over Scarab’s notes. “Koya and Chaka, respectively.”

Jiraiya’s face went through an interesting journey, starting at surprise and going through confusion, realization, and finally gleeful pride. “Wow, those kids really are taking it seriously. Excellent!”

“Ahem.” Satoshi clasped his hands in front of him on the table. “As I was saying. The remaining genin are at lunch right now, and will shortly be taken to the Second Exam site. This year, the survival portion will be simulating a capture-and-retrieval mission. Teams will be given one of five equidistant locations surrounding the village; a ruined outpost, a dry oasis, a cactus patch, a shallow cave, or a scorpion den. Teams will be given locations that we believe they are ill-suited for, to test their adaptability under short notice. Each location has between five and ten pairs of colored flags hidden throughout, and a team must bring a complete pair back to the testing building in order to pass. Teams may fulfill the task as given… or they may choose to steal flags from other teams. Until they return to the exam hall, all bets are off.”

He paused to let everyone absorb that. Once he felt they had, he continued.

“You will all be assigned a team to follow that is not yours. You will follow them, unseen, and ensure that they remain safe. We’ve avoided exam deaths five years in a row, I do not want to break the streak. If they get themselves in enough trouble to require you to step in and save them, they are disqualified. If they manage to spot you following them, make a note of it and then become better at hiding.”

Jiraiya snorted.

Isogu glared at the foreign ninja. “Kazekage, you can’t seriously expect us to trust one of our teams to him, do you?”

Jiraiya sent him a mild glare. “You think I’d go out of my way to hurt kids?”

“Who knows what you Leaf bastards get up to.”

Ozu raised an eyebrow. “Your paranoia is showing, Isogu.”

“You’ve heard the rumors!”

Jiraiya frowned and sat up, focusing. “I haven’t. What rumors?”

Isogu bared his teeth. “We know all about what your teammate gets up to in his lab, Toad!”

“That’s funny,” Jiraiya said coldly, “see, because last I heard he was working with Tsunade on a new vaccine.”

“Do I look like an idiot to you--”

“Silence,” Satoshi hissed. “Jiraiya will not be given a team to look after. One of you whose team is disqualified will be.” But not Isogu. “Isogu, do not antagonize our guest. Jiraiya, would you kindly--”

The Toad Sage held up his hands, backing off. “I’m here for a peace mission. I won’t start anything.”

Ozu tilted his head. “I don’t actually doubt you,” he began, “But you have to admit that coming here in disguise isn’t a good look.”

“It’s infiltration training for my team.”

“So you admit to infiltrating us!” Isogu shouted.

“Yes, which means I can’t possibly actually be infiltrating you,” Jiraiya reasoned. “If it was for real, I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“Unless it’s a trick!”

Satoshi let slip a sliver of KI. “Isogu.”

The door to the meeting room cracked open. Every head turned to see who was interrupting.

Kermit’s head poked through first. He saw everyone’s stare, shrank a bit, and then Ondori poked his head in looking sheepish. “Er. Is this a bad time?”

Satoshi forced the tension out of his shoulders. “You may as well come in, Ondori-san. We’ve gone thoroughly off-track as it is. What do you want?”

(“How did he get past security?” the woman on Ozu’s right asked quietly.

“Probably by confusing them,” Ozu answered fondly.)

The puppeteer walked inside briskly. “Well, I wanted to run something by you, but if--” He locked eyes with Jiraiya, who waved his fingers with a grin, and paled. “Oh.”

Instead of finishing, he walked straight up to the Kazekage to whisper in his ear. “I was thinking of … …”

The gathered jounin watched the Kazekage’s eyes widen, and then flinched back when he smiled. Then he tossed his head back and laughed, just once.

“Yes, Ondori-san, I think that will go over well. Feel free.”

“Thank you sir!”

The puppeteer fled in a hurry.

“What was that about?” Ozu asked.

“You’ll find out soon, Ozu, he wanted advice for his show.” He glanced at Jiraiya with a dry smirk, then schooled his expression. “Do we all understand the nature of the Second Exam? Yes? Good. Go get your team assignment. The test starts in one hour and will last a maximum of three days. Make sure you have supplies for you and backups for the examinees.” He stood.

“Dismissed.”