All the Worlds a Stage - Chapter 23

A handful of training grounds were kept near the civilian sectors. Some for practical reasons, such as it being easier and cheaper to keep the small water-walking practice field near Suna’s deepest well. Others were for reasons of public interest; the park where Ondori first started his performance was technically listed as Training Ground Zero; a section of it was cordoned off for shinobi to practice moving and sneaking through a forest environment. But the civilian populace loved the green space, and over time it expanded into a picnic area.

Training Ground 5 was another green space, one meant to mimic an outpost on the border. Specifically, it was a recreation in miniature of NW Outpost Rain-River-Run, which was located on the plains that stood between the waterlogged fields of Rain and the sands of Wind, with the border of forested River also visible from the top of the watchtower.

Ground 5 was intended to prepare shinobi for guard duty, and occasionally to simulate siege conditions. Being a flat, grassy and open field within easy walking distance of Suna’s largest civilian housing district made it an ideal venue for outdoor performances.

As guests began to arrive, they found an enormous tent set up. It was tall, owing to the eponymous watchtower being used as the center pole, and the curious passerby who cared to look would find that the “back” of the tent terminated into a wooden structure whose only outside entrance was hidden behind black curtains.

Above the tent’s main entrance, for anyone who didn’t already know, was a large banner depicting Kermit and Fozzie in a stylized form, promising that this was the site of the Muppet Show.

Inside the tent, row after row of folding chair was set up for the audience.

“HA!”

“Ah!” the first person to walk in shouted in surprise as a gruff-looking old Muppet man in blue coveralls assaulted them.

“You don’t think you’re getting in here without a ticket, do you?” he asked, every word sounding like he was struggling to get it out. “C’mon.”

The muppet held out a collection bowl, and the woman he was chastising looked around awkwardly. “Is t-the show starting already?”

“Not without a ticket it’s not!”

She looked up and saw the puppeteer sitting in the Watchtower’s balcony, which had been converted to look like a theatre booth. The man grinned and winked as he noticed her looking, and his hand twitched.

“George, what are you doing?”

The woman smiled a touch helplessly as Kermit wandered over holding a clipboard.

“I’m collecting money for tickets, what do you think?”

Kermit frowned. “I’m sorry ma’am. George, the tickets are free.”

“Free?!”

“The concessions are not,” Kermit continued.

George the janitor paused, then tossed the collection plate over his shoulder with a clang and pulled a box containing bags of popcorn out of nowhere. “You gonna buy something or not, lady?”

Kermit shook his head. “Sheesh.” Noticing the line building up behind her, he raised his voice. “Everything’s fine, folks! The show will be starting shortly! George, let her pass. Let her pass! C’mon, shoo, shoo!”

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“Alright, kids. We’re signed in and signed up. Now what do you want to do in the meantime?” Jiraiya-as-Tetsu asked.

The meeting with the Kazekage had been rough, honestly. Satoshi-sama was intense and had almost no tells. He seemed receptive to the idea of peace, but Jiraiya was under no illusion that if they caused too much trouble for Suna, Suna would cause trouble right back. This mission was an extension of trust on both sides. The Hokage was trusting the Kazekage to not kill or detain Jiraiya, and the Kazekage was trusting the Hokage to not have sent infiltrators under a banner of peace.

“I feel like we need to train,” Jiraiya said, answering his own question. “This is delicate, and we need to make sure you can stick to your chosen talents without slipping up and, for example, reaching for a sword you don’t have.”

Nagato rubbed his eyes with a frown. “Honestly sensei, I want to go to our hotel room. I want to get these contacts out for the day.”

“Are they bothering you that badly?” Konan asked in concern.

“They don’t hurt, but they do itch.”

Jiraiya snorted. “Fine, if you want to be boring. I suppose we can give some thought to our strategy instead.”

“Aren’t we going to try to win, old man?” Konan asked, remembering she was supposed to be in character. “We can take all of them on!”

“Yes, you can,” Jiraiya said gravely. “That’s the problem. I’m thinking it might be a bad idea to… embarrass the Suna genin in their own tournament. I think we should aim for… third place.” It was enough to attract attention, so as to make the big reveal that this was an ambassadorial mission all along more impactful, but not so good as to foster resentment among the locals. “Yes, third would be best… Where’s Yahiko?”

As if on cue, the team leader ran back over with a poster in his hand. “Guys! Guess who it is!”

It was a poster for the Muppet Show, of course. The kids all grinned at the reminder of what inspired this mission in the first place.

Jiraiya took the paper with a smirk. “Training Ground 5, hm? I don’t know,” he drawled, rolling the poster up and tucking it under his arm. “We’d have to hurry, according to this the show starts in ten minutes. Maybe we should wait for the Friday show, hm?”

“But we’ll be taking the Exam then!” Yahiko protested.

“Oh, that’s right. Oh well, there will be other shows. Toga wanted to rest his eyes, we should respect that.” He was grinning now.

Nagato looked stricken. “I can wait!”

“Are you sure? It’s no problem at all, you don’t have to--”

“Sensei for kami’s sake!” Konan snapped. “Stop wasting time and let’s go!”

Jiraiya’s eyebrows shut up. “Alright, tone down the moxie, girl. There’s such a thing as overacting, you know.”

The kids stared up at him. Jiraiya chuckled.

“Alright, let’s hurry. It might already be filled up, but if we’re lucky--”

The trio took off, and Jiraiya was forced to run after them.

“Hey! Do you even know where you’re going?!” Then, remembering to put some age in his voice, he said as Tetsu, “Slow down, I’m old!”

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Pakura looked around the backstage area. It was a little warm in here under the black curtain. It was perfectly fine for her of course, but she imagined that the others might be sweltering under their black stage clothes.

She made a mental note to suggest the idea of a cooling seal to Sawa or Shinema; they seemed to be coming up with new ones all the time.

“What do you mean we aren’t going to be onstage?!”

Jiki’s shriek pulled Pakura out of her thoughts and she focused on the woman as she yelled in Ondori’s face.

“Jiki, I thought you realized--this show is about the muppets! The puppets. They’re the performers, we’re just the ones directing them,” Ondori explained in an even tone.

“The only reason I agreed to do this was because I wanted to be a star!”

“And you will be! Vicariously, through Miss Piggy.”

Pakura could tell this didn’t soothe Jiki’s temper any, and clearly Ondori could too.

“Look, you’ll get to stand onstage during your showcase starting next week,” he promised. “And… The next few shows are already scripted and we’ve been rehearsing, but how about this: you can be the special guest in our first show after the Exams are over.”

“After all the important people have left, you mean,” Jiki snapped.

Ondori actually grinned. He held up his hand and pulled some threads to yank Kermit over from where he was sitting. “Come on, you don’t think we’ll have any stragglers? Maybe some fans who want to see one last show before they leave? Night before the tournament, I’ll even say we’ve saved the best for last, how about it?”

Jiki’s frown lessened. Then she looked uncertain. “If I’m the guest, then who will be playing Piggy?” she asked cautiously.

“Depends on how your ventriloquism is coming by then,” Ondori said, turning his attention towards the band as Yaji and Chosho brought them in. “Otherwise, Ozu can handle it.”

Jiki gasped. “Ozu?! You think he can do my job better than me?!”

Ondori looked amused. “Did I say that? I don’t think I said that.”

Pakura rolled her eyes and walked onto the stage to peek out of the curtains. Her eyes widened. Almost every seat was filled, and guests were still trickling in. On the front row were a handful of civilians in very expensive clothing, including--holy crap--a woman who matched the description of the Daimyo’s wife, with a young boy in similar clothes seated between her and an attendant.

Pakura walked backstage again, slightly shaken. “Hey, Ondori-san?”

The director looked up from his continued negotiations with Jiki. “Just Ondori is fine, Pakura-chan! What do you need?” He bade Kermit hop off his shoulder towards the band, who similarly sprang to life at Ozu and his direction.

“Our audience is a little more packed than we were expecting, this early.”

“Really? Great!” Ondori said cheerfully. “Maybe we can make the tent bigger before Friday…” He saw her face and tilted his head. “Is something wrong?”

“Do I have to sing?” Pakura asked nervously.

Ondori blinked, and then had the gall to laugh at her. “It’s a little late to get cold feet, Scorcher!”

Sasori walked over from where he and Sawa were prepping the stage. “I understand the nerves, Pakura-san,” he said calmly. “But once it starts there’s no time to freak out anymore,” he continued, in a tone that suggested he meant this to be comforting.”

“You did great in rehearsal, Pakura,” Ondori assured her. “Just imagine that the audience are enemy shinobi and you’re trying to confuse them--”

Jiki slapped him, and all the Muppets under his control stumbled with him. “That’s terrible advice! Listen, kohai!” Jiki ordered, pointing a finger in Pakura’s face and making her take a step back to avoid getting poked. “You’re the star tonight, unfortunately, and that means you’re the most important person on the stage! You own it! Don’t let the audience trip you up, because this is your house, got it?”

Pakura blinked. “...Kohai?”

Jiki huffed and turned on her heel, picking Piggy up as she went.

She smirked, forcing herself to relax. “Well, it’s not the worst advice I’ve ever been given. I own the stage, huh?”

Ondori clapped, smiling. “Glad that’s sorted. Yaji, Chosho! Go get to your seats in the balcony. Kokoro, instruments ready! Places everyone! It’s showtime!”

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Jiraiya and his students had only just taken their seats, popcorn in hand, when the red curtains opened… just to one side, oddly, a whole section on the left stayed shut.

Then a group of puppets walked out from an unseen corner carrying instruments and took their places in front of the stage, waving and giving winks to the audience. The dog puppet was there, too, lugging a marimba into place.

They tuned for a second, and Jiraiya whistled, impressed. He legitimately couldn’t tell if they were actually playing or not. Then again, these seats were pretty far back…

Then the frog ran onstage as they started playing.

“It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Pakura the Scorcher! YAAAAY!!!”