NO PLUMBERS ALLOWED: Shroom 3-🍄

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University of Goom, Department of Archaeology, Goombridge

The professor looked at them from behind the desk with a lidded stare. “A brand new kingdom, you say?”

“The earliest beginnings of one, I believe,” the young shaman replied. “I received a vision when I beseeched the ancestors for guidance, and she who would be Merluvlee’s own fortunes led us here. We require a guide, who can show us the way.”

The Goomba got up from her chair and paced around the room, mumbling. “A whole new kingdom… Do you have any other details?”

“Only that a pipe to this new frontier can be found in the Ruined Kingdom. Attempting to look beyond to what’s inside the pipe gives me only fog.” The shaman looked to the ceiling, contemplating. “And a profound sense of… emptiness?”

“I went to Ruined for one of my internships, I think it’s just like that.” The professor groaned. “I want to, really I do, but you could not have chosen a worse time for this. It’s the middle of the fall semester and my class is full. I don’t even have a TA to take over for me while I’m away, and I don’t have tenure yet! I go traipsing across the world right now, I could--no, I will lose my job.” She sat down on the office’s sofa, opposite the shaman. “And besides, I’m an archaeologist. We’re about researching the ancient, not the new. I don’t think I can help you.”

“Are you certain there’s nothing?” the shaman pressed. “Her visions are rarely wrong; the only reason she isn’t Merluvlee already is because of the lack of an opening. She said we could find a guide here.”

The Goomba clicked her tongue and pulled a binder off the nearest shelf, which turned out to be a directory. “Well… I met Mario once, you know, and I still have his number. He or Luigi might take a while to get here--no wait, I just remembered. There’s a huge tennis tournament this year and Peach has already rented out that huge stadium in New Donk City. There’s no way any of them will want to miss that… I don’t think Wario is joining this time, but he’d make you pay out the nose and probably rob you… I know a few independent contractors, some former X-naut guys. Oh, how do you feel about Kolorado?”

The shaman’s mustache bristled. “That death-seeking Koopa? I think not, he’s a lunatic!”

“Oh, personal experience? Do tell, I love gossip!”

“He raided a temple my father was the steward of and completely ignored my family’s attempts to tell him that no, it wasn’t ancient or abandoned because we were still living there, and then he tried to take off with one of our sacred relics!”

The professor winced. “Ooh. Yeah, okay, Kolorado’s a bit past his prime, isn’t he…” She flipped through the directory. “I don’t know, I’m running out of options here…”

There was a knock on the office door, and a nervous Goomba stepped inside. “Professor Goombella, I had some questions about the… assignment?” He gulped as he saw the shaman sitting there. “Ah, I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?”

Goombella stared at him for a long moment before her eyes lit up, inspired. “Gomez! No, totally not interrupting at all! Come on in and take a seat, please.”

The Goomba identified as Gomez came the rest of the way in, his wings fluttering nervously as he took the remaining unoccupied chair.

“Sir, this is one of my more promising students, Gomez,” she said.

The shaman bowed as best he could without standing up. “A pleasure, young man. I am not Merlon yet.”

Gomez’s jaw dropped and all traces of nervousness vanished. “Wait, you are? You’re one of the Tribe of Ancients shamans?!” His eyes sparkled. “That’s so cool!”

Not-yet-Merlon blinked as the young Paragoomba took off, hovering around him and not-too-subtly trying to peek into his hood.

“I have so many questions! Is it true the Ancients had magical computers? Did they really create the Pure Hearts, or just discover them? Was the original Merlumina really as much of a bore as the texts indicate? I was reading a copy of her diary and she could spend entire pages saying nothing at all! Did your tribe really come from another dimension or--”

Goombella cleared her throat loudly, and Gomez settled down, looking embarrassed.

“Sorry, sir, I just get really excited.”

“That’s quite alright, young man,” the shaman said, amused. “If I didn’t appreciate a curious mind I would hardly be attempting the position I am, would I?”

“Gomez, what can you tell me about the Ruined Kingdom?” Goombella asked.

“Ruined?” Gomez paused to think. “Uh, in olden times it was referred to as the Thunder Kingdom, and it was one of the first civilizations to harness electricity, though they took it from an unusual source: the Lord of Lightning, a giant dragon that still lives into the modern era. Few of their advancements survive today due to the dragon carrying a grudge and destroying any artifacts it comes across.”

“Very good,” Goombella praised. “How confident are you that you could navigate the kingdom?”

“On foot or in the air?” Gomez asked. “In the air you’ve got to watch out for the dragon, but below the fog there’s still a few safe paths. I did a report on it last year, it’s kind of similar to the puzzles used in the haunted woods off of Toad Town, though no one’s ever seen any Boos in Ruined.”

Goombella beamed, turning to the Shaman. “Well, what do you think? Man, I’m a genius.”

“He certainly seems to know what he’s talking about.” The shaman hummed. “But are you certain he’s up for the challenge?”

“I can’t say he’d do better than me, but he’ll keep being useful even after you get there. He’s not an archaeology student, but an anthropology student.”

“Wait, what’s going on?” Gomez asked.

“Gomez, how would you feel about a long-term assignment to far-flung places where you’d get to study first-hand the founding of an entirely new Kingdom?” Goombella laughed when her student’s eyes went wide.

“Are you serious? That sounds amazing! But, uh,” he faltered, “What about classes?”

“Gomez, you just take careful notes and have a paper ready by the time you get back and I’ll waive all other assignments this year.”

“Can you do that?” the shaman asked dubiously.

“I can’t,” Goombella agreed, “But Professor Frankly can, and I can’t imagine he’ll disagree with me.”

“B-but, I, this is really sudden!” Gomez protested. “Are you sure I can just do this?”

Goombella smiled nostalgically. “Ah, Gomez. I was only like nineteen when I helped Frankly discover that stupid door under Rogueport, and I did just fine. I think this will be good for you!”

Gomez swallowed harshly. He stared in thought for a moment before suddenly nodding determinedly. “Y-Yeah! Okay! I’ll do it! What am I doing again, just to clarify?”

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…

PRT ENE HQ, Wards Area

Sophia slipped through the door the instant the mask-on alarm stopped.

“And where have you been?” Triumph asked, looking up from the couch. He set his magazine aside and stood to talk to her, only for Sophia to push past him.

“None of your fucking business.”

She made her way to the kitchenette and pulled an apple out of the fridge, taking three huge bites before tossing the rest in the trash and then making a beeline for her room.

Triumph clicked his teeth disapprovingly. “Sophia, this really isn’t a good look. You’ve barely been here the past few weeks, and I’m starting to think it was a mistake to cover for you.”

Sophia paused in the doorway and growled. She turned on her heel and sneered at him, saying, “Yeah, that was pretty stupid alright. I didn’t ask for it.”

“Look, I was trying to ease you into the whole probation thing, but it’s clearly not working,” Triumph said admonished. “How can you learn to be a proper hero if you’re never here?” He glowered as she turned her back on him, not bothering to hide the way she mockingly mouthed along with him. “You’ve missed console training, PR seminars, and you didn’t even show up to hear about the Toymaker stuff we’re getting. I think Assault said he was going to make a pamphlet, though, so you shouldn’t be too uninformed--”

“Whomst the fuck is Toymaker?” Sophia asked, turning around again. “We got one of those Toybox jackasses working here now?”

Triumph stared at her for a moment, mouth flapping. “...H-How do you not? Did you not see the video? Did you not see the giant rainbow?”

“Do I look like I care about rainbows? I’m not that kind of girl, ask the midget.”

“The one that Armsmaster raced his bike on?”

“What.”

Triumph held up a finger and went back to the couch area, rifling through the papers lying loose on the coffee table. “No, no, no--hey, Clock said this got thrown away--here it is.”

Sophia walked over as he produced a picture of a tall, lanky person in overalls and a fully-covered face standing next to one of the PRT goons, holding a…

“The hell is that thing?”

“A mushroom, allegedly,” Triumph answered, handing the photo to her. “Toymaker is a new-ish local Tinker, and one of the things she makes--”

“She?”

“--are these healing items. Eat one of those and it fixes your injuries.”

Sophia glared at the picture, squinting. Something about the picture… pissed her off, and she couldn’t figure out why. It was probably the shoddy costume, and the cutesy ‘mushroom’ wasn’t helping. Could h--she even see through those goggles? “You’re supposed to eat that thing?”

“One of the troopers who tried it said it wasn’t so bad, just a little bland.” He waggled his hand. “Only kind of like a normal mushroom. Kind of beefy?” He shrugged. “That’s what they said anyway.”

The mushroom stared at her from the paper. “I feel like maybe I have seen one of those before… Can’t remember where though.”

“Oh good, I was worried,” Triumph said. “I don’t know how you couldn’t have heard of her, Toymaker’s the one who took down Mush after all.”

“Oh, is that what that was?”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Triumph coughed. “So, about the console tutorial…”

Sophia turned back to go to her room.

“Stalker, this is important!”

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♦ Topic: A New Thread
In: Boards ► Cape News ► Brockton Bay
Boiyoing! (Original Poster)
Posted On Sep 14th 2010:
Hello everyone! Here's a preview from the people of Toymaker!

(A twenty-minute video where a large, purple, cartoon bomb wearing a blue-and-white bandanna stands in front of an easel, painting a mildly dilapidated shorefront warehouse district, interspersed with the occasional grunted words that serve to explain where his current focus is. The end result, while simple, displays a competent depiction of the shorefront in much more cheerful colors than reality.)

We hope to see you again soon!

(Showing page 4 of 27)

►Weld (Verified Cape) (Wards NNE)
Replied On Sep 14th 2010:
Uh, what? What am I looking at?

►Procto the Unfortunate Tinker (Not a tinker)
Replied On Sep 14th 2010:
There's no way that isn't a Tinker creation. A walking orb of some description, with stark white eyes, and what is the purpose of that key in its back?

►Advocate
Replied On Sep 14th 2010:
I'm more interested in why its painting
seriously, what's the point? why make something for something so...

...pointless?

►GstringGirl
Replied On Sep 14th 2010:
I think its nice! Its kind of cute, even, and I really like the picture it made.

►Marshmellow (Cape Husband)
Replied On Sep 14th 2010:
It reminds me of an old show I used to watch... I forget the guys name, but its got the same calm feeling.

►SaintGeorge
Replied On Sep 15th 2010:
Cute it may be, but the implications are troubling. It might only be painting now, but it's still a Tinker creation capable of some level of creativity. Who knows what else it could be capable of? It's mechanical in nature, clearly, but who's to say that this "Toymaker" couldn't make a digital intelligence as well? We need to be wary.

►Winged_One
Replied On Sep 15th 2010:
@SaintGeorge Relax, it's a funny robot drawing a cartoon. Look at its funny little feet!

Toymaker, huh? I wonder if they're affiliated with Toybox?

►XxVoid_CowboyxX
Replied On Sep 15th 2010:
Wait, I know this one! Toymaker was the one who did that rainbow race with Armsmaster!

►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Sep 15th 2010:
They were, you're right. They were also spotted roof-jumping a few days ago, I believe. They've been fairly low-key as far as capes go, but it seems like that might be changing.

YouTube videos. Very bold. Not a choice I would have made, but I respect it. Let's hope it wasn't a bad decision.

►AllSeeingEye
Replied On Sep 15th 2010:
...Iiiiinteresting. Well, I gotta say, it's at least a nice portrait.

End of Page.   1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 25, 26, 27

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DWU Offices

Rigel scrolled through the comments, ear twitching in agitation. There was plenty of praise for Grape’s video, but most of it was speculation about the whole ‘being a Bob-omb’ thing, and they didn’t even know what he was called! Most of them couldn’t even tell the bomb part since he covered his fuse the way he did…

“I guess they really don’t have anything but humans here,” he said out loud. Rigel really hadn’t been expecting people to worry so much about sapient non-humans. It made him kind of uncomfortable, honestly.

Phil read the comments over his shoulder. “You sure this was a good idea, little guy?” He set his soda down and pointed one out in particular. “Look, this guy’s really panicking.”

Rigel’s ears folded back. “Well, it’ll be worth it as long as we get Star Power out of it.”

Phil shrugged. “If you say so. Can I have my computer back now? My break ended five minutes ago.”

Rigel hopped down and left the building, making his way back to the workshop to see the fruits of his labor.

Dimly, he was aware that he might have been hasty. He wasn’t stupid, he knew things were weird on this planet. Rigel just didn’t understand why they made such a big deal about secret identities here, but he’d been careful! He knew nothing he’d done could trace Toymaker back to Taylor, or vice versa.

He didn’t see the harm in posting the video online. It was just a guy painting. All those people in the comments freaking out over it were just being stupid.

Rigel kicked the door to the workshop open hard enough for it to slam into the wall, and he winced. He must’ve been more upset than he thought.

Tess T. jumped from where she’d been standing by the TWEAKer. “Spores, rabbit, what the heck was that for?!”

“Sorry!” he said quickly. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You should be!” the Toad snapped. “I nearly dropped my spots!” She shook her head, brushing hair out of her eyes. “Whatever. Anyway, your globe thing is glowing pretty good now.”

“Really?” And it was. The storage vial was a good healthy yellow now, pulsing once every few seconds. “Wow, look at that! Hah, and here I was starting to think the video channel might have been--Amazing!”

“Yeah, I bet.” Tess glanced from him to the machine, looking nervous. “Hey, hypothetically, how would I go about--”

“Rigel.”

The rabbit and the Toad turned to see Nobel standing in the doorway, eyes half-lidded.

“I want to talk to you about something,” the black Bob-omb said, in a tone of voice that had Rigel inexplicably feeling like he’d done something wrong.

“Oh, uh. Sure?” The Starbunny followed him, feeling off-kilter, leaving Tess alone with the TWEAKer once more.

------

Tess pouted after them even after the door closed. Then she sighed and glanced at the clock on the wall. She really shouldn’t be away from the garden too long…

“Well, alright,” she said, popping her knuckles. “If that bunny rabbit can figure it out, how hard can it be? Let’s see,” she said, looking over the console attached to the machine. A fair chunk of it was most of a repurposed keyboard--of the musical variety, not the kind you attach to a computer--which was odd because she didn’t remember that. But the first twenty-six keys had letters drawn on in marker, then the ten digits, and then twenty more with odd symbols before the keyboard was abruptly cut in half.

On second glance, this machine really looked like a stiff breeze would knock it over, but Tess wasn’t going to let that deter her.

“T-O-A-D…” she sounded out as she ‘typed.’ When nothing happened right away, she put a hand to her chin and thought. “Okay, no, that would’ve been too easy. What else did I need?”

Well, it was called a TWEAKer, which meant it must tweak things. As in, alter them. It probably needed something to work with? That made sense.

Tess scratched at the back of her head, and when she pulled her hand back, it came away covered in a fine layer of spores…

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Underneath Brockton Bay, Beneath the Multi-Level Parking of the Defunct Police Station on Lark Avenue… One Week Ago

Timeline A

“Sir, I have a visual on the asset. Orders?”

“Follow at a distance but do not engage. Simply find out where he lives and then return,” Coil commanded.

Smith answered in the affirmative and the transmission cut out.

Coil already knew where Brian Laborn lived, of course, but Smith didn’t need to know that. It might eventually compromise loyalty if his men thought they were being given missions with no purpose, so he would occasionally contrive a fake one. Of course, he wouldn’t have to worry about that with any luck.

Timeline B

“Sir, I have a visual on the asset. Orders?”

“Approach slowly and make the offer as you were instructed,” Coil commanded. “And remember, it’s an offer he can’t refuse.”

“Understood. Smith out.”

Coil sat back and waited for an update. Not for the first time he considered a body cam for at least some of his men so that he could see for himself what was happening, but once again he vetoed the idea after some consideration. He knew all too well what the likes of Dragon were capable of. Anything that sent an active signal back to his base of operations was a no-go.

Some might have called him paranoid, but Coil knew better. He knew that they really were out to get him. Or they would be, if and when they figured out he was there.

His earpiece hissed, and he held a hand up to his ear to listen. “Report.”

“He made a break for it sir. Ducked into an alleyway. Brant, Jamal and I are pursuing on foot.”

Leaving Abertson to guard the entrance in case he somehow got back around them, excellent. “Proceed.”

“I’m not familiar with this part of town, sir, are the alleys always this twisty?” Brant asked.

“We’re in old town, Brant,” Jamal answered. “This place is older than the city building codes, so they just built wherever.”

“Focus, boys, I hear traffic again, he might try to get lost in the crowd,” Smith barked. “Sir, we lost visual almost immediately when he used his powers, but we’re still close behind him. We--”

The line suddenly cut out, and Coil frowned. He didn’t attempt to regain the connection, because it would be an undue distraction if they had gotten into a fight with the asset, leaving him little choice but to wait.

The good news was that he didn’t wait long. The bad news…

“Sir? I’m afraid we’ve lost him.”

“You lost him.” His tone was bland on the surface, but carried an undeniable edge to it.

“I don’t know how he did it,” Smith confessed. The alley ended in a giant fence with no way out or around, but he just wasn’t there. No side doors that open, no windows, nothing.”

Coil sighed, closing his eyes in both timelines. Ah well. Sometimes the odds simply weren’t in your favor.

He dropped the timeline, prepared to try again with the men in Timeline A who were still following Mr. Laborn. If he had timed Laborn’s routine correctly, he had at least two more chances before today was a total loss.

He held a finger to his earpiece. “Smith, change in plans. Make the offer now.”

There was silence on the other end for a moment. “...Sir, he’s already gotten away,” Smith said slowly, sounding concerned.

Coil opened his eyes. “What?”

“Are you alright sir?”

“What are you talking about?” Coil demanded.

Smith swallowed loud enough to be heard through the commlink. “Sir, I already made the offer, and he got away. We… we just discussed this.”

“Of course, of course,” Coil said, thinking furiously. “I was merely testing for some unseen Master or Stranger effect, as he managed to escape you somehow. Return to base immediately.”

“Of course, sir.”

Coil took the earpiece out and steepled his fingers. This was concerning. Deeply concerning. He was not so foolish as to believe that his power was foolproof. There were no foolproof powers, save perhaps one, but his had never failed him like this before.

Of course, his powers had not been flawless in any respect recently. He had found himself staying away from the PRT Headquarters recently, as something about that and the Rig had been causing him issues as well.

Something in the Bay was interfering with his abilities, and now they were causing missions to fail. He needed to resolve this, and soon.

------

It was during the next week when one of his men saw Brian Laborn hanging around near the Docks that he realized.

Toymaker.

Of course. His powers had grown spotty only after she appeared.

He needed to study this phenomenon so that he could formulate a response.

Luckily, he had another potential asset that might prove ideal for that very thing. He simply needed to acquire her…

--------------------------------------

Somewhere on the Border of Merchant and ABB Territory

Shit fucking sucked right now.

Skidmark was laying low, and he was pissed off about it! Mush was in prison, Squealer was being a freak about all this Toyfucker bullshit and not in any kind of fun way, and to make matters worse Skidmark was having to deal with it fucking sober!

He was smoking to take the edge off, and it was only a gas station cigarette! Beans wouldn’t let him take from the stock, some shit about not being able to afford to sample the product anymore. Skidmark was so pissed off about it that he couldn’t even stand to look the stupid beancounter in the face.

So he left, and was wandering the Bay’s disenfranchised apartment blocks. There were entire swathes of the city that no law-abiding citizen stepped foot in anymore, but that still meant there were people here, so Skids had taken his mask off and become Adam for the day.

He fucking hated being Adam. Adam was an idiot loser who spent thousands of dollars on an English degree that did jackshit to get him a fucking job and turned to drugs to escape the existential despair. He was a fucking nerd who knew words like existential and could think in straight lines and remember all the fucking failures of his fucking failure life.

God, he hated being sober.

Skidmark was important, screw whatever anyone else said. He had half this city eating out the palm of his hand looking for a buzz that only Skids could provide. He was fucking loaded and he had a hot bangable mechanic chick and sick fucking trash monster taking orders from him.

Except he didn’t anymore, and it was that fucking Toyfucker’s fault.

Skidmark scowled and tossed the cigarette in a trashcan. He didn’t care about littering, but he liked setting things on fire, and whatever was in the can must have been dry as fuck because it went up like it was covered in gas.

Fuck, maybe it was. You never knew with Brockton.

That Toymaker guy had ruined everything, and Skidmark wanted nothing more than to go over and put a bullet or ten between his eyes, but he couldn’t because that fucking asshole was tight with the PRT, and Skids wasn’t stupid even drugged up, he knew that without Mush or Squealer under him he didn’t have a chance. Oh, if it was just the PRT fuckheads he could probably muster up some chaos, but if the heroes showed up all he could do was run away to fight another day.

“Man, this sucks,” he said to no one in particular. He leaned against a spot on the wall where the graffiti wasn’t still wet and took a deep, sighing breath through his nose.

And then he sniffed again. Something smelled sweet. Like grapes, or some shit.

He frowned, turning to try and follow the scent. Despite the abuse he’d put it through over the years, his nose was pretty damn good, and it led him into a nearby alley. Just out of sight from the road, behind a bunch of ancient metal trashcans so trash-encrusted that they were fused to the ground, there was a suspiciously clean, green trashcan. Shaped kind of weird, it didn’t have a lid either. That smell was something out of it, and Skids stuck his head inside, trying to find it.

He fell inside, and fell for way longer than made sense for a trashcan.

He ended up falling onto hard concrete and swore more harshly than the author is capable of replicating, and reached an arm out to get up.

“Ow, fuck!” he shouted as his hand touched something wet and sticky. And sweet-smelling.

Adam inspected his hand, which was covered in purple slime that burned against his skin. There was a whole puddle of the stuff on his left, and it smelled so sweet it made him want to throw up, and the only reason he didn’t is because he hadn’t eaten yet today.

It smelled like how a grape Jolly Rancher tasted. And so Adam, in a stunning display of muscle memory and poor judgement, lifted his slimy hand to his mouth and licked it.

“Oh. Oh wow.”

He licked it again, and the room seemed to get brighter and turn more vibrant.

“Oh, man, that’s some good shit,” he declared, an expert on the subject. “I gotta find where this came from.”

He stood, wiping the slime off on his pants and ignoring the way it immediately disintegrated the denim. Then he turned to where the colors were pointing him and followed the puddles of that good shit.

---------------------------------

Toymaker’s Workshop

Taylor walked inside, beaming and tired.

The Toad in the corner looked up, startled, but then smiled cheerfully. “Hi, Boss! How are you?”

“Oh, I had fun!” Taylor said, taking off her goggles and bandanna. “Armsmaster just dropped me off. We fought a giant plant, and he gave me the Gameboy Horror back, and I think my Pipes have done something weird,” she said, turning serious briefly, “but I don’t want to think about that right now.”

“Wow, sounds like you had fun!”

“Indeed,” Sterling said, walking in. “Fun, if you want to call it that. Victory against a formidable foe!” He turned to look at the Toad, and then looked again, giving the impression that if he had arms he would have rubbed at his eyes. “I say, what the dickens…”

“It was a wild ride, but I don’t care because I got to work with a real hero!” Taylor cheered. Then she yawned, jaw popping loudly. “And now I’m tired. Sterling, could you let Dad know I’m going home early today? Armsmaster said he would send me news if his camera picked something up.”

“Er. As you say, Commander,” Sterling said unsurely. “Sir, ma’am, did you see that that’s not--”

But Taylor was already stepping in the pipe to her basement.

“...Tess.”

The yellow-spotted Toad smiled cheerfully, holding out his hand to shake. “Howdy, pal! I’m Cheers, pleasure to meet you!”