NO PLUMBERS ALLOWED: Shroom 3-4

It was a surprise to Taylor that they didn’t immediately turn around and go back to deal with the problem in the sewers.

But it probably had something to do with paperwork. Being a government organization meant that nothing could happen until everybody had signed off on it, apparently, and some less-than-charitable part of her figured that that explained a lot about the state of the Bay.

At any rate, it was another week before Armsmaster declared them ready to delve. In the meantime, the PRT had set up guard details around the Pipe Brian had found, as well as any other green pipe they had found throughout the city. They had found three others so far, which just raised concerns over how large the system had gotten.

“Can you really afford to spare so many troops?” she asked as the thought occurred to her. “You’ve got the guy watching the mushrooms, and now a pair each watching those pipes…”

Armsmaster waved dismissively. “Don’t concern yourself with that,” he said, inspecting the crops. “There’s actually been very low levels of cape activity recently. Skidmark has vanished, and from what we can tell the other gangs are expecting a big push for territory from him. As such, they have all been quietly mustering their own forces.” He nudged the Fire Flower bud with one armored finger, prompting a spark to pop out of the tip. “Fascinating. Could these be used as a power source?”

“Oh, sure. There’s a sort of sap in their stems that’s highly combustible. It’s technically edible, but too spicy to taste. But it burns fast and hot and can be mixed with Shroom juice to create something you could use in an engine, though it would have to be built for that. And of course, the fire generation--” Taylor shook herself, pushing the information away. “But what if Skidmark is up to something? Also, should you be telling me this?”

“You’ve made yourself an enemy of the Merchants, for better or worse, and so it’s only logical you should be aware of their movements.” Armsmaster let out a huff of air in a way that almost sounded like a laugh. “But I wouldn’t worry. Skidmark isn’t a threat. He leads his gang through force of personality. Without Mush he has no stopping power, and with Squealer going rogue he has no force. Now, have you made your preparations?”

Taylor checked herself over. “Hammer, badges… Rigel, Nobel, are you ready?”

“Nope!” Rigel said cheerily. “I’m not going.”

“What?” Taylor turned to see him poking a Mushroom that was poking above the soil. “Why not?”

Tess walked over and swatted him away. Rigel grumbled, rubbing his paw. “I can’t stand Piranha Plants, they freak me out. No eyes, all teeth, and poison? No thanks. I’ll find something else to do.”

“Oh. Well, okay, Nobel--wait, where is he?” Taylor looked around, but the little black Bomb was nowhere to be seen. “Okay… Tess?”

The Toad jerked in the middle of watering the flowers, surprised at being spoken to. She scowled at the puddle on the floor before turning her attention to Taylor. “Gee princess, I sure wish I could, but I can’t just go off gallivanting into the sewers.”

Taylor frowned, giving her a closer look. “Are you alright? You look tired.”

“These shrooms are high-maintenance. I can’t just leave them alone,” Tess complained. “That’s what you did for your last batch, and you want these to be better than those.”

“Hm.” Taylor clicked her teeth, thinking. “That’s a problem, I’ll need to find some way to give you a hand. Maybe I should make one of those garden robots after all… That’s for later though--”

“Of course it is,” Tess muttered.

“--for now I need to find one of the Bob-ombs.” She thought for a moment. “I wonder if--

“Present and accounted for, Commander!” Sterling declared, popping up behind her.

“Oh, perfect!” Taylor said. “Where’d you come from?”

He saluted. “Just arrived, Madam, and ready for action!”

“Well, that’s settled then,” Armsmaster said. “Let’s not waste any more time, shall we?”

He nodded to the PRT guard and walked out of the warehouse to ready his bike,m parked next to Taylor’s kart. Taylor made to follow him, but hesitated in the doorframe. Looking back at Tess, she asked, “Are you sure everything’s alright for now?”

The Toad grunted. “Yes, yes. Don’t worry Princess, this’ll work out fine. Go do your nasty sewer stuff.”

She nodded once then left, Sterling marching right behind her.

Tess shoved Rigel out behind them and slammed the door on him. Alone except for the guard, she allowed herself a moment to relax before getting back to work.

She paused to inspect the mysterious rumbling box again, then something occurred to her, and she laughed.

She wasn’t accustomed to laughter, and it made her guard twitch. “What’s so funny? Er, Miss?”

“Oh, nothing.” Tess snorted. “Princess Thistle. I wonder how she’d react to that?”

------------------------------------

Nobel was not a terribly complex person. He wasn’t stupid, far from it, but he was a simple soul, and that suited him just fine. Nobel knew who and what he was, and what he wanted.

What he wanted was whatever the Boss wanted. More specifically, he wanted to help her fulfill the goal she’d given him with the first words he ever heard.

You and me, we’re gonna make a difference in this town.

Boss wanted to help people. It was slow-going so far, but they were getting there, Nobel thought. The PRT was all about protecting people from the bad guys, so helping them out helped everyone eventually. He knew she wanted to be more direct about it, but it wasn’t going to happen overnight. Baby steps. Once she proved that her inventions were harmless and safe for the average Joe, they’d let her sell directly to Joe and all his friends and things in Brockton could start changing for the better. How, exactly, remained to be seen, but he was sure they’d figure it out.

Heck, they’d already started. According to Rigel that pipe system was cleaning up the sewage, which could only be a good thing, and that was an accident! Surely once they started doing things on purpose they’d really take off!

…Rigel. Nobel liked to think he was a friendly guy, and so it was somewhat startling to realize he didn’t like Rigel very much. He didn’t think he had anything against the rabbit, as such, but ever since he showed up things had gotten more complicated it seemed like.

Now Nobel was less than a year old still, so he would gladly admit he didn’t fully understand how things worked yet, but he would have to be blind to not notice how Boss had gotten in trouble for the Rainbow Road thing, even though it had been Rigel’s fault. And Danny hadn’t been happy about the roof-jumping even if he hadn’t done anything about it. That had been Boss’s idea, but Rigel had encouraged it.

Nobel came to a decision.

He hopped out of his chair, tipped the barista, and walked out of the café with his bagel.

-------------------------------------

The fence that had given Brian trouble had been removed to allow instant access to the pipe in the dumpster. Unfortunately the dumpster seemed to be part of the pipe somehow, and so couldn’t be removed.

Armsmaster wrinkled his nose looking at it. He turned to the first trooper. “There’s really nothing you could do to… improve our means of entrance?”

“Sorry sir.”

“Sometimes a pipe will incorporate existing items into its structure,” Taylor said. “They like to hide sometimes. Hopefully they don’t use any toilets.” She winced, rubbing her head. “Ugh, great, that’s starting up again.”

Armsmaster looked at her, concerned. “Is that a concern?”

“Yeah, I thought it stopped once Rigel showed up, but my mind is starting to wander again--”

“No, the toilets.”

“Oh!” Her eyes unfocused for a second before she flapped a hand dismissively. “Only if they’re disused. The chances of a regularly-used toilet developing into a Warp Pipe approaches zero.”

The armored hero relaxed slightly, and turned back to the dumpster. “As you say.”

Taylor lifted the lid of the dumpster and examined the pipe. Inspecting it by way of laying a hand on it, then tapping it with her hammer and listening to the sound, she made a noise of pleasant surprise.

“Okay, I was worried about that.” At the hero’s look, she quickly explained. “To get out in a hurry like we did I kind of had to…” She frowned, brow wrinkles in thought. “It was one-way at first, and I had to force it to let us go back up, which you’re not supposed to do as crudely as I did. I was worried I damaged it, but it looks like it’s settled just fine.”

Armsmaster took a moment to parse that. “So we will be able to use it to escape?”

“That’s right!” Taylor brightened, and pulled a small notebook out of her pocket, jotting an idea down. “Remind me to work on something called a ‘Return Pipe’ once we’re done, Sterling.”

“Right ho!”

Armsmaster nodded. “Very well, are we ready?” he asked, checking his own equipment.

“Yes sir!” Taylor said, Sterling copying her.

“Then let us proceed.” He gestured at the pipe, and Taylor wasted no time in jumping inside.

Riding a Warp Pipe was always weird; she still hadn’t gotten used to it. If she paid attention, she could almost feel it reorienting her so that she’d come out upright, but even knowing that there was a right angle in the pipe, she never sensed any sudden change in direction. Suddenly she was just stepping out into the open air again with little warning.

It was almost like stepping off of an escalator when you weren’t ready for it. She stumbled on the dismount, but managed to stay upright. Sterling, right behind her, did not.

He grumbled as he stood up, adjusting his shako and looking around. “I say, this is much cleaner than I expected, even after your description.”

Taylor nodded, frowning. She couldn’t ask Sterling since he didn’t have a nose, but she could swear…

She pulled her bandanna down and breathed in, then broke off into a coughing fit. That sickly-sweet stench was smothering in its intensity, which was deeply concerning since there was no such thing last week..

The pipe made its characteristic sound, and Taylor replaced her mask in time for Armsmaster to step out. Taylor was impressed at how he easily stuck the landing without apparent issue.

He looked around, interest plain on his face even under his mask. He looked at her, mouth open, then paused. “...Is something wrong?”

“I think the Piranha Plants have kept growing. I can smell the poison already.”

Armsmaster sniffed, and a disgusted look crossed his face. A piece unfolded from the neck of his armor to cover his mouth. “Concerning,” he noted, voice taking on a synthesized tone through his mask. “Let’s take care of it quickly then. Which direction were they?”

“This--No, this one,” Taylor said firmly, pivoting on her heel and walking off towards where the light faded.

A flashlight popped up from the older Tinker’s shoulder and lit the way while Taylor took point. It wasn’t long at all until Sterling stepped in something that splashed.

He recoiled as if stung, hopping on his other foot like he’d been burned. “Agh, bloody--What was that?!”

Armsmaster turned his light to the floor, illuminating a puddle of purple ooze, barely-visible steam rising off of it. It was flowing downhill away from them, but was being continuously fed by drops from above. Turning the light upwards, Taylor hissed when she saw the smaller Piranha head, hanging from a vine.

The hero made to unfold his halberd, but paused when they heard the snoring. The plant was drooling in its sleep.

“...How good is its hearing?” he asked quietly.

The Plant twitched in its sleep, growling faintly.

“Despite not having eyes, Piranha Plants appear to be sight-based predators,” Taylor intoned, sounding even to her own ears like she was reading out of a textbook. “Most species also have a highly-developed vibrational sense allowing them to sense approaching foes through their root system. Putrid Piranhas are a tropical subspecies adapted to a more active hunting style, tunneling through the ground and attacking prey before they can react. Due to having a smaller root system to facilitate its high-speed digging, its tremor sense has atrophied and it relies almost entirely on sight.”

Armsmaster watched her as she went on, glancing at Sterling who seemed more concerned with scraping the gunk off his boot. “...But what of its hearing?”

“Hm?” Taylor shook herself because what the heck was that? “Oh, it’s fine. Not great. They can sense sound but don’t usually pay it much attention unless they’ve already identified a target.” She walked around the puddle, giving the Putrid plant a wide berth. “I’d stay quiet, just in case.”

“Acknowledged.”

They kept going, and as they went they found the vines becoming denser and the poison more plentiful. There was always a path forward, but it eventually became difficult for Armsmaster to navigate. He nearly began hacking his way through, but decided against it and instead used the other end of his halberd to nudge larger vines out of the way.

“A thought occurs,” he said at length. “Many of your creations display unexpected intelligence. While you said, and I believe you, that you didn’t make these plants on purpose, I would prefer to know ahead of time if we’re going to exterminate something that can talk.”

“Oh, well, couple things with that,” Taylor said, still a little thrown by the unexpected information. She lifted Sterling over a tendril before stepping over herself. “First of all. Piranha Plants can be smart, but it’s usually only on an individual basis. As a whole they’re basically animals. Plants. Planimals. They don’t think too good.” She coughed awkwardly. “Er, Putrid Piranhas in particular are pretty dumb. Although…” She gestured at the… everything. “On the other hand, Putrid Piranhas don’t usually all sprout from the same vine like this. I’m wondering if this isn’t some sort of mutation similar to the Lava Piranha, where one plant has gotten so overgrown that it’s basically evolved.”

Armsmaster digested that. “...Toymaker, some things you have said, now and in the past, concern me. Comments from your rabbit.”

Taylor stopped, looking back at him. “Like what?”

He looked at her for a long moment, then very visibly changed his mind. Instead of whatever he had been about to say, he said, “Remind me what you said about why these pipes have grown so out of control?”

Taylor tilted her head, confused, but answered anyway. “Rigel says that the Pipe Seed was overcharged, and it grew out of control trying to find a pre-existing pipe to connect to, but because there weren’t any it just went everywhere.” She paused as she finished. An idea was forming, but it wasn’t one she particularly liked. “What was the thing you wanted to ask me?”

“It can wait until we’re done here, I believe. I think we’re coming up to the room you mentioned.”

The vines were so dense as to render the wall invisible underneath them now. As they stepped into the room where she first found them, the poison in the air grew so thick it could clearly be seen hanging in the air as a deadly fog.

“I have to assume that this is the center of the plants’ growth,” he said. He looked at her concerned. “I know you’ve said your badges keep you from being poisoned, but is it safe to be breathing this in?”

Taylor considered that. “I think… We should do this quickly. Sterling,” she continued, “Once we find the central mass, we’ll need you to blow up as close as you can. Hopefully we can take the entire plant out all at once.”

Silence.

“Sterling?”

“--pblt! I’m up here, sirs!”

They looked up to see Sterling wrapped up in a dark green vine. Armsmaster increased the spread on his flashlight, and three drooling maws grinned down at them.

Taylor scowled. “I knew we were having it too easy.”

Sterling exploded, tearing the vine binding him apart and sending him flying further into the room. The Putrid Piranha roared in pain, and the room began to move.

--------------------------------------

Mushroom Garden

“So what’s your name, anyway?”

The PRT trooper started. “What?”

“Your name,” Tess T. repeated. “You’re here often enough, I haven’t seen anyone else. Might as well know what to call you.”

He scratched his head ineffectually, blocked by the helmet as it was. “Well, there is a guy who’s here nights, but--Uh, I’m Roberts. Joshua.”

“Joshua Roberts?”

“No, I said it the right way around,” he corrected, sounding weary, and Tess didn’t press.

“I don’t suppose you’d be willing to lend a hand?” Tess asked, waving a hand vaguely towards the rows.

“Sorry,” he said. “I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned. I’d rather not risk it.” He sounded sincere enough at least.

Tess just groaned, setting the watering can down and looking over the rows. They were growing well, but they just took so much of her time. “I need a break…”

“Yeah, you probably do,” Joshua agreed. “I haven’t seen you stop moving once. Do they really need to be watched that closely?”

“They shouldn’t need to,” Tess explained, “But they’re growing in a bad environment.”

“If we get as much use out of it as the Director seems to think, maybe we can convert another warehouse into a proper greenhouse for you?”

“No, that’s not the issue,” Tess T. said. “Though I wouldn’t say no. No, the issue is that there’s not enough Power.”

The trooper blinked. “...Do you need to plug it in? I think I saw a generator somewhere on the drive in.”

“Ha ha, you’re hilarious. No.” Tess rubbed her eyes. “No, I mean Power. Star Power, Flower Power, Wish Power, Heart Power, things that a Mushroom’s natural environment is full of. There’s no magic in this air. It’s not a permanent problem, eventually the act of growing Shrooms will create the proper atmosphere all on its own, but until then… I need help.”

The mysterious planter shuddered again, and Tess scowled as she went to feed it again.

“And this thing is getting on my last nerve,” she muttered as she watered it.

“Toymaker said she would help, didn’t she?”

“Like I said before, the only thing she can grow is her own hair,” Tess shot back. “Or worse, what if she turns these into Zombie Shrooms? No one wants that. No, I need more Toads.”

Joshua pursed his lips. “I highly doubt the Director will allow that. You’ve all been friendly and… mostly harmless so far, but--”

“Relax, I know better than to ask,” Tess said bitterly. “I’m not stupid, that woman’s got stick up her--”

Joshua cleared his throat pointedly, and Tess chuckled.

The watering can finally ran empty, and Tess watched as before her eyes the soil went from drenched to bone-dry in seconds. “What are you…?”

It didn’t answer except to shudder again.

Tess took a deep breath and hopped off her stool. “I’m going to take a walk to refill the can. Keep an eye on things, right?” she asked, pointedly not looking at the hose by the wall.

“Of course. Enjoy your break.”

Tess T. walked away from the shroom garden, trying to let herself relax. She didn’t actually know where another hose was, so she ended up wandering back towards the place she’d come from.

She walked into the workshop without knocking since she fully expected it to be empty, and so she was surprised when it wasn’t.

The rabbit had dug up a camera, or more likely he had built one himself. It definitely had that cobbled-together look. Lots of duct tape. The camera was pointed at Clay and Jubilee, who looked confused.

“It’s not that hard, I assume!” Rigel declared. “You gotta have something to talk about, right? Clay, you can talk about art, Jubilee… I don’t know what you do actually, but we can find something!”

“Oy, what’s this?” Tess asked, prompting Jubilee to turn and hug her.

“Rigel wants us to be internet famous!”

“What?”

Rigel thumped his foot for attention. “No--yes--okay, look!” he said, pointing towards the TWEAKer. The globe that hung off the side was about halfway full. “Taylor got spotted when we were doing parkour and it got posted online, and that generated more Star Power! So I got to thinking and I realized that more SP is the most useful thing we could have right now, and we need ways to generate it. Taylor’s gonna be too busy to have a social media presence, so I’m trying to get these two to make a YouTube channel with me! We can make videos about all kinds of stuff, and as long as people watch, we have power.”

Tess tossed that idea around in her head, then nodded. “I suppose that makes sense enough. Where’s the big guy?”

Rigel pointed a thumb out the window. Tess looked out to see Grape in front of a different camera, painting on an easel. She couldn’t see what he was painting from here, but he looked content.

“Grape’s already got his video idea down, these two are struggling.”

Clay shook his head. “I had an idea, but Grape took it first. I got nothing else.”

Rigel leaned in and whispered to Tess. “I think the best thing would be for him and Sterling to do debates on random topics, but he’s with Taylor right now.”

Tess nodded slowly. Okay. “Have fun with that, I guess. I need to get back to work.”

“Ooh, I know!” Jubilee cheered. “We can do, like, a video catalogue! We take the Boss’s inventions and show them off!”

“I think we might need to run that by the PRT first, Ju,” Clay drawled. “It’s a good idea otherwise. What about cute pet videos? Those are popular.”

Rigel made a face. “I wouldn’t call a Chomp cute.”

“I was talking about you, my guy.”

“I’m no pet!”

Tess rolled her eyes and turned to leave. She paused in the door, looking back at the TWEAKer. The one she’d stepped out of not that long ago.

…The Director wouldn’t like it… And who knew what the Princess would think of it. But maybe it was better to ask forgiveness than permission.

She really did need the help.

-----------------------------------------

Sterling was continuing to explode elsewhere in the room, fire and light shining through the gaps in the plant growth, while Armsmaster and Taylor cut their way through.

The Putrid Piranha’s main head had yet to attack them. It just hovered above them while its secondary heads lobbed gobs of poison at them. Thorn-covered vines swiped at them, only to be cut down by Armsmaster’s halberd. The numbers never seemed to shrink, though.

Taylor was having slightly better luck. Her hammer by itself was less effective than the sharp halberd, but Taylor had prepared a Fire Drive badge for the occasion, and the fire that wreathed the hammer’s head made all the difference.

“Behind you!” Armsmaster shouted.

Taylor twisted around and smacked the lesser Putrid Piranha in the face, tearing it from its stem and sending its burning head flying into one of the main enemy’s heads. It caught fire too, and the Piranha shrieked in pain. That got the main head to finally come down to their level. It was as big as Cici , and didn’t look half as friendly. It sucked in a huge gulp of air, and when it exhaled, it spewed forth a cloud of poison so dense it was like a physical blow.

It knocked Taylor off her feet, and Armsmaster stumbled back as well. Taylor fell into the fog, coughing but hidden from view, while the older Tinker was blindsided by a smaller head swinging into him. He latched onto it, and a taser built into his glove discharged. The electricity was less effective than the fire, but it clearly still hurt.

The Putrid Piranha opened its mouth to chomp down on the hero, who was still recovering, when the room lit up with Sterling’s biggest explosion yet.

“CANNONBALL!”

The little Bomb shot from wherever he had been and beaned the Piranha in the side of the head, sending it for a loop, and Armsmaster took advantage of its stunned state to slice one of its heads off. While it flailed, Taylor got to her feet and squashed the other head flat.

The Piranha screamed one final time, the remaining head tearing off its burning limb and then retreating. All the vines in the room coiled and writhed. Most almost immediately began withering away, but many pulled themselves up from where they’d taken root and fell back into the shadows of the room.

“After it!” With that command, Armsmaster charged, leaving Taylor and Sterling to scramble after him. They kept attacking any vine they could reach as its struggles grew weaker, until they made it to the back of the room.

Now that it was lit by Armsmaster’s suit, they could see that the Putrid Piranha was emitting from a single point in the floor. The head had already vanished, and now the rest of the vines were flowing in like water down a drain.

“Be on your guard, it could be a trick.”

But it didn’t seem to be. They watched the last of the vicious plant crawl away, until only the pools of poison showed it had ever been there at all, leaving just a pipe sticking out of the floor.

A very unusual pipe, hexagonal in shape and apparently made from weathered grey bricks. The pipe looked absolutely ancient, much older than it could possibly be.

When it seemed the Plant wasn’t coming back up, Armsmaster bent down by the pipe, inspecting it. He ran a finger down it, and bits of masonry fell off at his touch. “Curious.”

Taylor laid her hand on the pipe, and froze. It felt… charged. The air coming from it was stale and dusty. The sickly-sweet scent of the Putrid Piranha was still there of course, but flowing out of this odd pipe she could almost smell… she didn’t know what it was.

“Ozone,” Armsmaster said, and Taylor jumped. Had she been thinking out loud? “It smells like a lightning strike.” He regarded her. “Do you have any idea what this is?”

Taylor stared down the pipe. It was pitch black, of course, and yet it still felt impossibly deep. “Remember when I said that thing about the pipe looking for existing pipes?”

Armsmaster nodded gravely. “I suppose you mean to imply…”

Taylor nodded. “I think maybe it found one after all.”

They stewed in the implications of that for a long moment, then Armsmaster stood, dusting himself off. “Earlier, I meant to ask why it seemed that you acted as if your Tinkertech already existed in some form. Now, I believe I have my answer.” He clapped a hand on her shoulder. “Let us away, Toymaker. We need to report these findings. Ah, but first…”

Armsmaster pressed a panel on the side of his helmet, and it popped up and detached. He held it up to see if it had sustained any damage from the fight, giving Taylor a chance to see it as a small camera, about the size of a stamp and as thick as a graham cracker.

He dropped it in the pipe, and it fell out of sight.

“Hopefully we will still have a signal wherever it ends up. Let us go now.”