Operation B.B.Q.S.A.U.C.E.

Accessing Mission File:

Backyard Barbeque Questions Sudden Appearance Under Concerning Exploits

Mission Details:

Taylor engages in some involuntary self-reflection while Sector V deals with equally unwanted guests.

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Kids Next Door R.U.M.O.R. Mill

GLOBAL KND Gazette

This Week in the KND, 2002 Week 13

Posted by Numbuh 411 (Four One One), Sector PR

With March coming to an end, the Delightful Children From Down the Lane have begun distributing invitations to their first birthday of the year. Every non-KND kid in the Sectors V and Q area have received an invitation, with even a few reported coming from near Sector T. Each invitation promises a day of amazing attractions, almost sounding like the DC have hired an entire carnival for the event, but we know better.

For new operatives, a quick rundown. Five times a year, the Delightful Children host a birthday party where they trick or even capture kids for the sole purpose of eating their delicious birthday cake in front of everyone without sharing. It’s rotten, just like you’d expect from the Delightfuls. And if you don’t know who the Delightful Children are… lucky you. The DC are not KND’s Enemy #1, but they are by far the most dangerous TOCs (Traitors to Childhood) around. Aside from just being really creepy, confrontations with the Delightful Children rarely go well, with them having claimed multiple victories, and more often than not the KND only manages to fight them to a draw. Actual wins against them are rare.

Most of the time, Sector V is tasked with securing the DC’s cake to distribute it to party guests, as Sector V is the closest Sector to the Delightful’s Mansion. However, this year Sector V is made up almost entirely of rookies, so only time will tell if we can have their cake and eat it too.

On the other hand, this reporter wouldn’t be surprised, as this has already been a good year for rookies. This past week alone…

During a mission to rescue captured kids from being forced to work in the Sugar Mines of Sultan Saccharine, a collapse in the mines could have spelled disaster if not for the efforts of rookie operative Numbuh 747. With nothing but raw strength and size, 747 held the mineshaft ceiling up long enough for his teammates to rescue each and every miner. When reached for comments afterwards, all 747 had to say was that he could have held it up longer.

On Tuesday, a battle was brewing over the molten Volcocoano of Koko Wela, off the coast of Hawaii. The Volcocoano emerged from the ocean last month and quickly attracted interest from every candy and beverage vendor in the Pacific, with Sector H only barely able to establish a forward base on the island and having supreme difficulty defending it even with aid from operatives from Japan. This week, however, Numbuh 626, against the orders of her Sector Leader, called parlay with the various factions fighting for control and, somehow, successfully talked them into standing down. Without ever lifting a finger to fight, 626 used her cuteness and disarming nature to convince the CEO of Choco Corp to allow the KND a permanent presence on the new island of Koko Wela, giving the KND a practically infinite supply of hot chocolate. The other factions are now fighting each other but ignoring Sector H and the still-in-construction Cocoa Sector completely. 626 has been commended by Numbuh 274 and is being considered for the KND diplomacy team.

In less drastic but no less impressive news, Numbuh 535 gatecrashed a Teenage Skateboarding Contest. Due to the hosting Teens deliberately being unaffiliated with the Teen Ninja Squad for the purposes of unbiased judgment, 535 was allowed to enter the contest alongside Numbuh 10-Speed and Numbuh 1337. At the time it was clear that even the judges were doing it as a joke, to watch the “baby skaters” screw up, but our team quickly proved they had the right stuff to win. 535 literally skated circles around the Teens, and this reporter was privileged to have been in the audience when it happened. You can’t imagine how happy it made me to see the looks on those losers when a six-year-old outdid them on the halfpipe. I really wish I’d gotten some pictures, it was wicked cool. I don’t even like skateboarding, but it just looked so awesome!

Our rookies get more impressive every year, but now on to other news. Roaming operative Numbuh 9, formerly of Sector V, has been spotted again. A suspected Teen Ninja hideout was confirmed in the aftermath of its sudden destruction at Numbuh 9’s hands. He was long gone by the time Sector T arrived to investigate the explosion, but interrogations by arrested Teens confirm…

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Madam Harrier’s laptop was a piece of garbage. Holly didn’t have much experience with computers, but she could still tell that this wasn’t a good one. It was slow, it overheated easily, and every five minutes on the dot some archaic mechanism deep inside it whirred, producing a sound exactly like an angry cat. It was also, apparently, running a different operating system or something compared to Mom’s computer? Holly didn’t really understand, but until Numbuh 2 could rig something together to transfer the data they were stuck with this sad beige brick.

“What are the odds that you’d find a lead on our project so quickly?” Nigel asked excitedly. “And in such a random place, too!”

“I mean, it kind of makes sense,” Holly reasoned, waiting for the document to load. It had been loading for a while now. “A hairdresser wanting a magic hairbrush? Duh. I’ll be honest, I’m almost more curious about where she found out about it than I am about what she found out.”

The laptop dinged, and Numbuh 1 pulled it towards himself. “Let’s see, let’s see… The story of Rapunzel, the Brothers Grimm--are they some ancient villain?”

Holly rolled her eyes and yanked the computer away from him. “No, Numbuh 1, they weren’t villains.” She hesitated. “Probably. I guess there’s not really a way to know? Anyway--oh, what the heck?”

The document, having finally finished loading, was not the neat bulleted list they’d been hoping for, but a picture of a hand-written journal page. The lighting and damage to the journal had rendered it almost totally illegible, and the file was just image after image of pages. The only thing even remotely comprehensible was the fourth image, which was the cover of the journal. It appeared to be charred black and the signature at the bottom was so much squiggles with the image quality.

“This is unreadable,” Nigel complained. “How are we supposed to find anything with this nonsense? Are there other files? Better ones?”

Holly clicked on another document. Mercifully, this one loaded much faster because it wasn’t full of images. “...This one’s just a bunch of rambling from Madam Harrier about what she’ll do with the hairbrush once she finds it.” She sighed, closing the laptop. “We might be better off just waiting for Numbuh 2 to finish his data converter and then letting the Computermabob sort it out for us.”

“I guess,” Nigel grumbled. “I want to start the treasure hunt now.”

Holly shrugged. “Do you want to play something? Numbuh 4 picked up a racing game that looked fun.”

“Maybe. Is it the one with the monkey in the go-kart?”

Holly opened her mouth, but just then the Treehouse’s proximity alarm went off.

“Alert: An Adult Is Approaching The--” The klaxon suddenly cut out. “False Alarm.”

“What the?” Nigel walked outside and peered down over the railing to the Treehouse below. His dad was setting out tables in the yard.

“Hey, isn’t that Numbuh 2’s mom’s car parked out front?” Holly asked, pointing at the blue van on the curb. “Do you think that’s what set off the alarm?”

“If so, it needs serious tuning,” Nigel said.

Mr. Uno looked up and waved. He cupped a hand over his mouth and shouted up at them.

“What-ho, Nigel, Holly! Having fun up there?”

“No, Dad, we’re conducting very important research!” Nigel yelled back.

“We were done with that though,” Holly pointed out. “We were about to have fun.”

“So you’re not in the middle of anything? Wonderful!” Mr. Uno called. “Would you be a peach and come down here? I think the Gilligans have arrived early and I’m still setting up!”

He wandered back into the house, leaving the two of them to exchange a glance. “Setting up what?” Nigel asked.

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“Betty! Hogarth!” Monty greeted happily. “You’re awfully early, old chap, I’m not ready for you at all.”

Hogarth laughed boisterously. “Well, of course we are! I had to make sure you didn’t do the grilling yourself, I know what you Brits consider food.”

“Hogarth!” Betty chided.

Monty burst out laughing. “Ah, sir, you’ve got me. Just as well, too. I bought this new gas grill just for the party and I’ll be jiggered if I can figure out how to use it. Come, come, let’s see if you and I can get the blasted thing to turn on.”

“Is Hoagie up in the treehouse, Monty?” Betty asked, walking inside behind her husband.

“Oh, he should be, yes,” Monty said. “Nigel’s up there right now. I’ve called him down, but his friends might not have heard.”

Betty nodded and ushered in a small boy. “Alright Tommy, why don’t you go find your brother and tell him to come down while we help Mr. Uno set up the party?”

Tommy nodded, shrinking away when Monty turned to look at him.

“Well hello, I didn't see you there young man. You can get up to the treehouse through a ladder upstairs.” The little boy hurried away, and Monty chuckled. “I say, Hogarth, both of your boys look just like you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of your eyes.”

“Hey, what can I say?” Hogarth tapped the sides of his goggles. “We’ve got a signature look.”

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Hoagie wandered onto the deck of the ship, tinkering on something. “Guys, I might need to take another 2x4 course, this computer thing is giving me a lot of trouble. I studied vehicles and weapons, not software.”

He looked up to see Numbuh 818 and 1 had left their research behind to stare over the railing.

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked, setting his work next to theirs and joining them.

“Our parents seem to be conspiring together on something,” Nigel said in a hushed tone. “We’re collecting intel so that we can be prepared when they strike.”

Hoagie blinked, nonplussed.

“We’re watching his dad and yours put a grill together,” Holly said.

“Oh, why didn’t you say so?”

He watched his dad fiddle around with something under the burners while Mr. Uno watched, interested. They suddenly lit on fire while Mr. Uno was leaning over them, catching his eyebrows on fire. Numbuh 1 reacted, making an aborted move to start running down, but his dad just sort of nonchalantly patted them out, none the worse for wear.

Numbuh 2 whistled. “Wow, is that a CharMaster 2000? Balooka’s family has one of those. I heard they can cook an entire steak from raw to crispy in two minutes.”

“Really?” Holly asked, interested. “You’d need to be watching it constantly if you’re cooking that fast. You’d just need to blink and it’d be ruined.” She frowned. “Why’s it called a CharMaster when it’s using gas?”

“Aren’t either of you wondering what they’re doing down there?” Nigel asked, annoyed.

“...Having a cookout?” Holly said slowly.

“Obviously, but there must be a deeper meaning behind it. What possible reason could our parents have to be interacting with each other?”

“Nigel, you know that adults can be friends with each other, right?” Holly asked, concerned.

“Guys--” Hoagie started, only to be cut off.

“HOOOOAGIIIIIEEEE!”

Numbuh 2 groaned, letting his head thump against the railing. “Oh no…”

“What is it? An intruder?”

“Worse than that, Numbuh 1. It’s my baby brother.”

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“...and so, Ms. Skitter, we’re concerned over your ability to contribute to the Guild. The current chairman exercises a strict policy of one big villainous scheme a year, and you haven’t been contributing.”

“I think you’ll find that I have,” Taylor argued, pulling the cake out of the oven. “I’ve provided valuable information to Professor Triple Extra Large at least twice every year, and I’ve also been reached for advice by a handful of other villains. Two years ago I provided a large order of honey to that angry scientist for… I’ll be honest, I’m not sure. I think he was using it to power a laser of some sort? He never answered questions, just kept rambling about sheep. He paid well, at any rate.”

“And under the Sir Cumspect that might have been enough, but the current chairman is more concerned with image and expects a certain behavior from our members. He’s willing to overlook the past few years’ lack of activity on your part, especially in light of you always paying your membership fees on time--a feat few of our members can accomplish, mind--but you’re expected to perform an act of villainy before the end of the year.”

Taylor clicked her tongue. She carefully applied the icing to the cake, something she’d prepared herself. She’d initially considered doing a honey cake, since she found a neat recipe for it online, but she ultimately settled on lemon instead. There was no need to typecast herself.

“Skitter?”

“Sorry, I’m preparing food as we’re talking, and that needs my attention. I just have a question.”

“Of course.”

“I’m technically signed under the Adultville chapter of the Guild, but the standard of villainy around here… isn’t something I’ve ever really been impressed by. Especially since my daughter is a member of the Kids Next Door now. Am I required to engage in ‘adult tyranny,’ or can I just go rob a bank somewhere?”

The person on the other end laughed. “Ah, not to worry Ms. Skitter. The chairman is not terribly impressed by the Adultville villains either. Feel free to commit whatever crimes you like.”

“Great. I’ll be sure to let you know when I’ve come up with something.”

“See that you do. Oh, and Dr. Practice wanted me to pass along a message--”

“You tell Malcolm that if he comes near me with that home-made CAT scanner he’ll wake up with fly eggs up his nose.”

“Noted. Have an evil day, Skitter.”

Taylor rolled her eyes as the line went dead. “Have an evil day, she says. Good grief.”

At least she was getting use out of her cake platter. It had been so long that she’d needed to wipe the dust off before using it.

She carefully carried the cake out to her car. As she sat down in the driver’s seat, she scowled as her hair… wig went askew. If she ever got her hands on that hairdresser again…

Madam Harrier had been a wakeup call. Taylor had let herself relax too much and let her guard down. It could be difficult to tell who was a threat and who wasn’t when everyone acted so weird. Ever since Holly was born, Taylor had taken pains to avoid the criminal scene, with only the professor occasionally gossiping with her to let her know what was going on outside their little bubble. Maybe if she’d been paying more attention she wouldn’t have been caught so flat-footed.

Well, perhaps not. If GUISE didn’t know the Madam was a villain, probably no one did.

Still, Taylor knew deep down that she wouldn’t be able to stay out of the game forever. It wasn’t the kind of career where you could retire. She’d been back in Adultville without being accosted by anyone she knew or cared about so far, but that was likely to change soon, and she needed to be ready.

Not today, though. Today she was going to Monty’s yard party.

Taylor pulled out onto the road, keeping one hand on the cake.

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“Tommy, what are you doing here?” Hoagie asked plaintively.

“Mommy told me to make you come downstairs,” Tommy answered.

The boy could have been Numbuh 2’s clone with how much they looked alike, Holly noted.

“Well, I’m busy with an important project right now,” Hoagie said, arms crossed. “You go back to Mom and tell her I’ll be down later--”

“But Mommy said to come now!” Tommy whined. “That means you have to!”

“We aren’t interested in whatever they’re planning down there,” Nigel began, only for Holly to cut him off.

“Aren’t we? We were just watching them,” Holly pointed out. “And if they really are up to something, which they’re not, shouldn’t we want to know about it?”

“Numbuh 818, I am trying to get this civilian out of the treehouse--don’t touch that!” he snapped upon seeing Tommy touch the laptop.

“But I wanna see it! And what’s this thing?” he asked, reaching for the device that Hoagie was working on.

“Don’t touch that!”

“What is that anyway?” Nigel asked. “I think you were talking about our request?”

“Yeah, but that’s back in my room, this one’s a--Tommy, don’t!”

The four-year-old pushed a button on the side of the device and it started beeping ominously. Hoagie rushed forward, jerked it out of his hands, and threw it as hard as he could over the side of the ship.

“Hey, what’d you do that for?” Tommy whined.

The device exploded in a burst of something green and viscous. It rained down onto the street below, and all four of them winced as it covered a car in the neighbor’s driveway, setting off its alarm.

Holly looked faintly green herself. “Numbuh 2, please tell me that's not what I think it is.”

“Huh? Oh, no, it’s a mix of mulched leaves, dish detergent and tree sap. Did you know there’s a whole room in the lower levels for tapping sap out of the tree? I’ve been trying to find a use for the stuff, and it’s sticky enough I think I could synthesize artificial booger--”

“Oh, that’s interesting.”

“Right? Boogers have a thousand and one uses. How many other substances can you use as both an adhesive AND a lubricant? The only problem is how hard it is to get a lot of it, so if I can figure out a way to fake it--”

“Not that, that’s disgusting,” Holly said dismissively. “No, the sap room. I could make syrup out of that. What kind of tree is this, do you know?”

“It’s an oak tree,” Nigel supplied. “Last year there were so many acorns you couldn’t see the grass underneath.”

“That was so cool!” Tommy shouted. “Do it again! Look, it’s all over that guy’s car!”

They looked, and Numbuh 2 grimaced at seeing the neighbor had come out to see the commotion and was currently weeping against the ruined car. Also, apparently, unable to remove his hand from it. No, there, he got it off.

“I can’t do it again, that was the only bomb. I’d need to get back to my lab to make another… one…” Hoagie took in Tommy’s beaming face and realized his mistake. “No, nuh-uh, no way.”

“You have a lab?! Can I see it?!”

“Absolutely not,” Nigel said. “The Sector V Treehouse is for operatives of the Kids Next Door only.”

“But I wanna see, I wanna see I wanna see I wanna see--!”

Ignoring the argument, Holly looked back down and saw the Sanbans arriving. “Oh, right, Numbuh 3 has a little sister too.”

“Yeah,” Hoagie said, latching on to that. “So why don’t you go play with her instead?”

Tommy made a face. “I don’t wanna play with a girl.”

“Ugh.” Hoagie slapped a hand against his face, grumbling. “Look, uh… Why don’t you go and get, uh, Numbuh 4--”

“Numbuh 2!” Holly said, affronted. “Do you really think it’s a good idea to have Wally deal with your brother?”

Numbuh 2 rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Yeah, good point. Numbuh 4 doesn’t deserve that.”

Holly rolled her eyes and walked towards the trunk of the tree. “Guys, Mr. Uno already called us down, and now so is Mrs. Gilligan. We’re gonna have to go down there eventually, so let’s get it out of the way.” She tapped on the wall of the structure and a few dozen carpenter bees poked out of their holes. “Could you guys go fetch the others? Everyone’s needed on the ground level.”

The bees nodded as one and buzzed off in different directions.

Giving Tommy one last look that set him pouting at the unfairness of it all, Hoagie tilted his head. “Oh, 818? Why’d you do it like that? The intercom’s right next to you?”

Holly shrugged. “I like my way better.” The distinct sound of Numbuh 4 screaming in fear drifted down to them, and she smirked. The sound of someone stomping very fast down the stairs echoed down to them.

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Taylor parked on the side of the road, and the door was already open when she walked up to the stoop.

“Taylor, glad you could make it.” Monty brightened on seeing her, gently taking the cake from her hands. “You didn’t have to bring anything, but I’m glad you did!”

“I’ve also got some candies from my shop,” she said, pointing a thumb over her shoulder at her car. “They’re mostly for the kids, but they’re up for grabs.”

“Capital! You fetch that and then just park yourself in the den. Mr. and Mrs. Sanban are already here, so we’re just waiting on the rest now.”

After bringing in the treats, Taylor walked in and found Genki engaged in conversation with someone who she assumed was Hoagie’s mom. Or attempting to anyway, as her husband was loud and angry.

“What’s taking so long?! We were told there would be food, and I haven’t eaten anything all day!” Kani complained furiously.

“Relax, dear, remember that we got here early,” Genki chided sternly. “We’re a guest in this house, try to keep that in mind.”

Kani fidgeted in his seat, growling softly to himself. Taylor heard his stomach rumble audibly, and then the man was on his feet, stalking towards the backyard. “Agh, I can’t stand waiting! I’m going to see if I can get this going any faster, because how can two people not be enough to put together a grill, honestly--”

His voice suddenly cut off as he stepped outside, and Taylor hadn’t even been aware of how tense she’d been until her shoulders dropped in the silence.

“Genki, I have to say your husband seems a bit high-strung,” Mrs. Gilligan noted.

“Tea, anyone?” Nancy Uno asked, walking in with a plate of cups. Taylor raised her hand, taking a cup. Their hostess took Kani’s vacated seat. “I do apologize for the wait, but I’m sure we’ll have things ready soon.”

Genki nodded acknowledgement, and turned to answer Betty. “I know he can be a tad abrasive, but Kani is something of a workaholic. He’s not used to having free time, and his recent promotion leaving him with less work to do is getting to him.”

“Oh, a promotion, congratulations!” Nancy cheered, clapping.

“Yes, he really is built for management.” Genki sipped her tea, smiling with just the barest hint of menace. “I don’t have a doubt he’ll be keeping the office in line easily.”

“This is very good, is it Earl Grey?” Taylor asked.

Nancy chuckled. “Yes, but you don’t get any points for guessing that, I’m afraid. It’s not exactly a rare one, is it?”

“No, I suppose not,” she agreed. “So, I know Genki is head of accounting at, uh, Werk Co.,” what a stupid name, “What do you two do for a living?”

“Oh, I work in accounting too,” the woman in blue said. “I’m Betty, by the way, I don’t think we’ve met.”

“As for me--”

There was a clatter upstairs that cut Nancy off, and as it came downstairs Taylor twisted in her chair in time to see Holly jump the last few steps, using a long butterfly net to boost herself. Wally was hot on her tail, and lunged at her with a look of fury. Holly rolled to the side, bounced to her feet and laughed.

“C’mon, Numbuh 4, it was just a prank!”

“I’ll show you a prank!” Wally stuck his finger in his mouth. “C’mere!”

“Ew, gross!”

Holly used her net to pole vault over the couch where Taylor was sitting, landing in the middle of the room. Wally jumped over it as well, landing on the coffee table and slipping on the magazines sitting there.

“Hi Mom!” Holly greeted happily as she ran by.

“Hello, honey,” Taylor said, amused.

“You think you’re funny, do you?” Wally shouted, back on his feet.

“Aw, what’s the matter Wallabee, can’t handle a tiny little bug?”

Nigel came downstairs, exasperated. “Numbuh 4, 818, this is ridiculous! Calm down, both of you!”

“Like you’d be saying that if it was your nose those bees crawled up!”

“I didn’t tell them to do that!” Holly defended. She ducked another swing from Wally and ran out of the room, calling over her shoulder. “But I definitely will next time.”

“Next time?!” The blonde boy roared in frustration and followed her. The back door slammed three times as first Holly, then Wally, then Nigel ran outside. Nancy twitched with every slam.

A moment later, Hoagie and his brother creeped downstairs after them, exiting much more sedately.

The four women sat in silence for a long moment, before Taylor started laughing.

“Oh, kids.”

That set the others laughing as well.

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Monty turned the dial, and the burners started up without setting anything on fire. “Well, that seems to be in order. Thank you for the assistance, Hogarth.”

“Anytime. Now let’s get those tables set up.”

Mr. Sanban was making a valiant effort at carrying the dozen or so folding chairs by himself, but Monty felt inclined to offer his help anyway. “I say, chap, do you need me to--”

The back door slammed open, and Taylor’s girl burst outside. The Beatles boy was hot on her tail, and he proved to be faster in a straight line despite his shorter legs, catching up and tackling her to the ground. Nigel and Hogarth’s boys followed shortly after, making no real attempt to stop them.

Monty found himself smiling, leaning on a table as he watched the kids roughhouse. Holly managed to get out from under Wallabee and led him on a merry chase across the yard.

It was a nostalgic feeling, though he couldn’t place why. Heaven knows he never played like that, Pappy hardly let either of them outside… “Nigel,” he called, “Why don’t you grab the frisbee or the old baseball, play for a bit before the food starts, wot?”

Nigel rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Uh… the frisbee is a bit out of commission, Dad.” He glanced up at the treehouse. “It got used for parts.”

Monty raised an eyebrow. “Parts? It’s a frisbee, there’s only one part to use it for…”

Hogarth snapped his fingers. “You know, I think there’s one in the trunk.” He fished in his pocket to produce his keys. “Junior, why don’t you--there, you go. Have fun!”

Monty nodded, and his smile widened a bit as the rest of Nigel’s friends filtered outside, even that older girl of the Lincolns. He turned to the other men and clapped his hands. “Let’s get the food started, then. I just need to--oh, hello dear, thank you,” he finished, surprised, as Nancy came out holding Taylor’s cake in one arm and a package of hot dogs in the other.

“The Lincolns just arrived, love, so I figured it was time to start.” She set the platter near the center of the table. “Ooh, I can’t wait to try this. You said Miss Taylor owns a candy store now? It looks good.”

Kani stiffened. “Wait, were we supposed to bring food from home?”

“No, that’s not--”

“Agh, why didn’t you say anything?! Is there time to run to the store, I could probably get some potato sala--what am I talking about, that stuff is disgusting! What do people eat at picnics? Sandwiches, we can make some tiny sandwiches, can I borrow--what am I saying, I can’t borrow food from the host, agh!”

The man was clearly just talking to himself now, so Monty let him rant. He didn’t know Mr. Sanban all that well, but he had the impression that this sort of overreaction was common. Best to let the bloke sort it out himself.

He started the wieners cooking, and looked up in time to see young Hoagie throw the frisbee over the fence, to be caught by Wallabee, who seemed somewhat less agitated now. The boys were gearing up for a game while the girls were off doing their own thing, Kuki dragging her sister along with her.

It did his heart good to see the children having fun.

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Meanwhile

The wind whistled through the limbs of the tree, rustling leaves and knocking a few loose branches further down, though none fell all the way to the ground given how much tree was in the way.

With all the operatives outside, the hamsters took the opportunity to make a shift change, letting the more tired ones tag out in exchange for some fresh faces. A small party of the rodents made their way to the nearest vending machine, just outside on the level 67 landing. It was full of orange soda, which wasn’t Chunky’s favorite, but he was too tired to go all the way to level 34 for the good stuff.

Hamsters didn’t travel alone anymore. Not that they ever really did before, since there were so many of them and only a limited number of worthwhile places for them to go on their off hours, but they definitely didn’t anymore. There was a monster roaming the halls now, and any hamsters that traveled in too small a group were just asking to get attacked.

None of them had been forcibly retired yet, but they figured it was only a matter of time before one of them didn’t come back from wherever the spider had chosen to tie them up this time, so they relied on the buddy system.

It was convenient for other reasons too, like forming a totem pole to better reach the buttons on the drinks machine. Chunky could only jump high enough to reach the button for the diet orange on his own, and blech. He didn’t even like the regular that much, what was he going to do with diet?

He pressed the button five times, and five cans fell down.

Chunky popped one open and took a long, refreshing gulp. It made all the aches from the morning’s run fade away… maybe orange wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe he’d even try the grape soda next time.

One of the others gasped as a shadow fell over them, and Chunky froze, expecting to end up webbed to the wall, but when he turned around it was instead to behold a hovering metal contraption suspended over the deck of the ship. The hamsters had a clear view of them from their platform.

A panel unfolded, revealing a long metal tube, and then the glass dome of the vehicle slid back to reveal them.

“Oh, Kids Next Door~. We have an invitation for you!”

The head of a missile poked out of the tube, not yet fired but very clearly primed and ready.

Chunky was one of the older hamsters, and he’d seen the treehouse get attacked before. He tried to stay far away from crazies, but sometimes it was unavoidable, and so he knew that missiles could mean anything. Sometimes they were filled with condiments, other times they just poked holes into the walls, and on rare occasions they blew up when they landed. They never meant anything good.

“We don’t have all day, Kids Next Door,” the creepy Children droned. “Surely they’ve noticed we’re here by now?”

Chunky and the other hamsters exchanged looks. Now that they mentioned it, he could hear alarms going off now. It’s just that they just went off all the time, so he’d learned to ignore it.

“...Perhaps we should just fire. That will get their attention. Oh, but we were so hoping to taunt them first. Maybe--pfft pbbblt!”

A spray of soda hit one of them square in the face, and Chunky smirked at the hamster responsible, who puffed her chest out proudly.

“Wha--who did that? Oh, well if it isn’t the rats.”

The hamsters snickered at them, but then suddenly the machine was diving down and leaning over, and ten grasping hands managed to catch them all in their grip.

“Where are they?”

Chunky nervously pointed one stubby paw down, and the Children’s eyes followed. The party down below was taking off, and the last car was arriving just now.

The Children blinked as one. “What? Why--Whatever. We have no issues with crashing a party.” They dropped the hamsters and took off, muttering. “How annoying. We got out the Moderately Destructive Machine for nothing…”

Chunky sighed, relieved that the crazies were gone. He wondered, briefly, if he should do something about all that before dismissing the thought. That wasn’t his job.

Speaking of his job, now would be a good time to complain to the Hamster’s Power Union. Being attacked on the job meant compensation in the form of extra head scritches.

------------------------------------------

“Well hello again, Ms. Hebert,” Bill Lincoln greeted. “Word on the street is you’ve been busy since we last talked!”

“Please, just Taylor is fine,” she said with a slight laugh. “‘Miss’ makes me feel old.”

“Hah, you wanna talk about feelin’ old? My son’s getting married next month. How’s that for old?”

“Oh, congratulations!” Taylor said, a sentiment echoed by the others listening.

Bill waved them off. “Eh, I think he’s too young for it, but she makes him happy so who am I to judge?”

His wife tittered. “Au moins, il n'était pas aussi pressé que nous.”

“You got that right Clair, at least ol’ Ken’s ahead of us in that regard. Then again, last picture he sent us, she was looking awfully plump.”

Monty’s eyebrows shot up so high they could actually see his eyes. “Well I’ll be, grandparents already? You must be ecstatic!”

“Too soon to tell,” Bill answered. “Besides, it’s not like I’ve met the woman in person yet, she could just be fat.”

Clair smacked him, chastising him in French, but he just laughed.

“So Taylor,” Sydney Beatles asked through a mouthful of burger, “I heard you moved her just last year. What made you decide on our humble little town?”

Taylor’s smile dipped just a little. Thankfully no one seemed to notice.

“I remember her saying she wanted to expand her business,” Clair said. “And she’s certainly done that, no?”

“Yeah, but the real draw was the real estate,” Taylor added. That got several understanding nods. “Yeah, if you’ve lived here a while you guys probably don’t understand just how cheap the houses are here. I paid less for my current house than I did for our two-room apartment back in Aron City, which is insane.”

“Oh, I hear ya,” Sydney agreed. “I worked in real estate myself before moving here. Tried to do the same here for a while too, but my manager was a new transfer and had a bit of a breakdown over the property values, and things were a bit awkward after that. Still not sure how there’s so much property damage around here, but hey, it’s less to worry about on bills.”

Approximately five blocks northwest, Taylor watched through a dragonfly’s eyes as a pirate galleon tore through the city streets, uncaring of the homes and buildings being torn apart in its wake. “It’s a mystery alright,” she said as the ship turned to move further north. “Apparently the neighborhoods surrounding this one have been vacant for years, from what I’ve heard.”

“You can’t sell these houses!” Sydney half-shouted. “No matter how low the prices go, people just wouldn’t buy! It’s mad to think about, this is such a lovely town.”

Taylor’s lips twitched, torn between laughing and staring incredulously. It continued to amaze her just how oblivious people were in this world, even after all this time. She looked over Sydney’s shoulder and smiled softly seeing Holly play. From what her power told her, Holly had sectioned off a corner of the yard into three kingdoms of bugs and given control of one to Abby and one to be split between Kuki and her sister. Taylor was dimly aware that Holly had discovered an interest in video games. I wonder if there’s a SimCity equivalent I can find for her…

A misaimed throw from the boys sent the frisbee flying directly into the adult’s group, landing in Mr. Sanban’s plate and sending his food all over his shirt.

Wally came to stop nearby after failing to catch it. “Uh, sorry about that, Mr.--”

“Look at this!” Kani exploded. “This was a brand new shirt, and it’s ruined! Oh, this stain is never going to come out, why did I use so much ketchup?!”

Genki sighed, pulling him aside. “Come on, if we get some hot water maybe we can save it.

Kani all but ran inside, followed by his wife and concerned Nancy. Wally blinked at the outburst, then shrugged and collected the toy before running back to the boys.

“Shoo, that Kani sure does wear his heart on his sleeve, doesn’t he?” Bill asked. “And his lunch, too.”

Hogarth burst out laughing, and Bill smiled smugly to himself.

“Oh, calm down, it wasn’t that funny,” Betty chided.

“He said--Because Kani, his shirt, with the food--” Hogarth wheezed, struggling to breathe through the laughter.

Clair sighed into her hand. “Please, do not encourage him. Cette voix qu'il met pour les enfants est déjà assez mauvaise,” she muttered to herself.

Bill just continued to grin. “Heh, I still got it.”

Monty eyed Taylor, who had gone very still when Kani had started yelling. “Taylor, are you feeling alright? You’re looking a bit peaky.”

“He’s got a point. You’re looking real pale there.” Bill straightened, looking at her more closely. “Are you feeling dizzy or faint, by any chance? Heatstroke’s no laughing matter.”

“I’m fine,” Taylor protested. “For a moment he just reminded me of--” She stopped, somehow growing even more pale. “On second thought, maybe I should sit down after all.”

Taylor pushed her way out of the huddle, towards where a set of chairs had been set against the wall of the house. Monty raised an eyebrow at that, turning to see what she’d been looking at that could have caused such a reaction.

A new group of kids that Monty didn’t recognize had entered through the fence gate, and were talking with Nigel and his friends. The boy didn’t look happy to see them. He debated what to do for a moment, then started making his way towards Taylor. She seemed in distress.

What kind of trouble could the children really get up to with all of them here?

--------------------------------------

“Why hello, Nigel. What a surprise to see you again after our last encounter.”

Numbuh 1 glared at the sinister quintet. “You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up here of all places,” he spat. “I’d have only been annoyed if you showed up at the Treehouse, but my own backyard?”

The creepy Children smiled sardonically. “We tried greeting you up there, but there was no one home. It was quite rude of you, to be such poor hosts to your guests.”

Holly walked over, having noticed the strange Children. “Numbuh 1, who are these… uh…” The word people didn’t seem to want to be said. Something was off about them in a way Holly couldn’t define. Obviously the talking in unison was weird, as was the way they huddled so close together… but the most striking thing about them was their piercing blue eyes. In the shade of the giant tree, they almost seemed to glow. “...Do you know these… them?”

“Oh, I know them alright.” Nigel reached up with one hand, rubbing the back of his head in a subconscious motion. He only realized what he was doing when the Children smirked, and jerked his hand back down. “They’re--”

“The Delightful Children from Down the Lane,” Numbuh 11 announced. She walked over from where she’d been keeping an eye on the grill, daring the Children to make a move.

The Delightful Children swiveled to face her. Holly noted how they seemed to rotate on a given point, even when it would have been easier for each of them to just… turn in place.

“My my my, Miss Lincoln. We didn’t expect to see you here, not after the rest of your sector seems to have abandoned it. Oh wait, that’s not right. How are the twins doing, by the way?”

Cree clenched her fist. “Listen, you little creeps, why don’t you get to the point so we can get back to enjoying our day off.”

“Why, we only wanted to extend an invitation to our birthday party,” they droned, the very picture of innocence. “After all, with the 8’s out of commission, and Number 9 on his own mission, that leaves you as the only one who has any idea what they’re doing. For however long that lasts.”

Holly and Hoagie looked at each other, shrugging.

“After all… you’re having a birthday yourself soon, aren’t you? Twelve already, my how the time flies. Soon you won’t have to deal with us little creeps ever again, will you, Miss Lincoln?”

Numbuh 5 stepped between them. “Shut up! She’s still got a year left, and it’s going to be great!”

“Maybe, maybe so. Does it matter? It’s not like she’ll know one way or the other, when it’s all said and done.”

“That’s not--I mean, you--” Abby fished for something snappy to shoot back at them, only to come up short. Cree put a hand on her shoulder, saying nothing.

“But that’s none of our business,” the Delightful Children said, turning back to Nigel. “We do so look forward to seeing you at the party, Number 1. After all, you were so much fun to humiliate the first time!”

The creeps busted out laughing, and Nigel growled, stepping forward to… he wasn’t sure exactly. Mostly he wanted to punch them, but the adults were probably watching and they always  took the Delightful Children’s side. He was probably going to insult them, but first he had to come up with something cool and clever to say, but whatever he might have thought up was lost when Holly spoke instead.

“Do you guys have to practice talking like that?” she asked, genuinely curious.

The Children’s laughter cut off at the unexpected question, and they turned to give her their full attention as opposed to the careless glance they’d given before.

Before them stood a tall girl, nearly as tall as their tallest member, with curly hair and a bug net in one hand. Alarmingly, she was absolutely covered in ants from the knee down, but didn’t seem to care or even notice, and the spider-shaped hair clip turned out to be an actual spider as it turned to look at them.

She was achingly familiar somehow...

“Who are you supposed to be?” they asked, their shock at the bugs covering her causing them to briefly forget their usual decorum.

“I’m Numbuh 818.” Holly shrugged. “So how do you do it? Do you have some kind of telepathic thing going on? And why the football helmet? That doesn’t go with the uniforms at all.”

The Children struggled to answer, caught between the strange familiarity and the audacity of this girl who didn’t seem to fear or even despise them as most other children did.

While they tried to formulate any kind of answer, Holly frowned and looked down at the ants covering her legs. A complex mix of emotions was pouring off of them, which could only really mean…

She looked over to where her mom was sitting, concerned.

The Delightful Children followed her gaze, and blinked. “Her?!”

“Her?” Nigel asked.

“Wait, you know Holly’s mom?” Cree’s eyes widened. “How?!”

The Children looked at Ms. Hebert, then back to Holly, and then back and forth a few more times. Their faces pulled a fascinating sequence of expressions. It started with recognition, then shifted to surprise, followed by them actually desynchronizing for an instant as they alternated between fear and alarm, then anger, and finally settling back to a placid blankness before their false cheerfulness returned, all in the space of a few seconds.

“Oh. How incredibly interesting.”

“Ugh, I’m sick of this standing around and talking!” Numbuh 4 shouted. “Are we gonna fight or not?!”

“...Not,” they said simply, swiveling once more and walking away through the gate, ignoring the sounds of confusion behind them.

“That’s it?” Nigel demanded. “Just show up, laugh at us, and then run?” He threw up his hands in frustration.

Numbuh 11 sighed. “Don’t try to make sense of those freaks, Numbuh 1, they have a talent for getting in your head. Just try to enjoy the party.”

Holly glanced back over to her mom, who was talking with Mr. Uno now. He seemed nice, so maybe he’d be able to help…

“Hey Holly, wanna play cornhole?” Hoagie asked.

Holly blinked, losing her train of thought. “What the heck is cornhole?”

“My dad brought a set, come on,” he said, waving her over.

-----------------------------------------

Taylor sat in the shade, staring a hole into the ground.

Somehow, she’d convinced herself she was fine. Somehow she’d tricked herself into thinking that she was on top of things. Holly was doing well and had friends, Taylor’s business was growing at a frankly ridiculous rate, and none of the enemies she’d left behind had come calling since she returned. Things had been going far too well.

She should have known it was only a matter of time.

Heck, she might have even continued lying to herself if it hadn’t all come apart so quickly. First her hair, then the Guild, and now those things pretending to be children showing up, and there was only one place it could go from there.

He definitely knew she was there, he’d sent her the scorpion after all. But so far he’d kept away, and whatever reason he had for it, she didn’t care as long as he stayed that way. But now…

…Huh.

Taylor was far too calm about this. Suspiciously so., She took a deep breath and abruptly stopped venting her emotions. It would be bad to drive the bugs into a frenzy and attack the party.

Ooh, that was a mistake, she thought, shaking as the full enormity of her situation pressed down on her. This was a big big mistake. I can’t handle this, I’m going to--

“Taylor? Are you quite alright?”

She snapped back to awareness, putting the mask of calm back on to address Monty as he approached. “I’m fine, I’m fine, don’t worry,” she said. “Everything is fine.”

Monty pulled a chair up besides hers and sat down. “Really, Taylor. We’re friends, aren’t we? You can tell me what’s upsetting you.”

“Are we?” she said bitterly. “It’s been nearly eight years since we saw each other, do we really even know each other anymore?

“Sorry.” She sighed, rubbing a hand over her face. “I’m just--Yeah, I think I’m under a lot of stress right now.”

Monty struggled for something to say, and ended up pointing at her plate. “You ought to be careful where you leave your food, Taylor, we’ve got ants I’m afraid.”

Taylor laughed. “No you don’t.”

“No, we do,” Monty insisted. “I’ve been meaning to spray, but the local market sells the bug spray at such outrageous prices.”

“Monty, seriously. You don’t have to worry about ants while I’m around.” Taylor smiled, glad there was at least something she could still do. Her smile faded when she took in Monty’s perplexed look. “Monty, you didn’t seriously forget, did you?”

The man simply stared at her, hopelessly confused. “Taylor, you’ll have to give me a hint, I have no earthly idea what you mean.”

“Montgomery, don’t you remember my short-lived exterminator business? Where I just pulled the bugs out of the house?” Taylor held up her left hand and willed a handful of bugs to fly in and orbit it, bees and butterflies. “I know you knew I did this, heck, you were my ride a few times. Are you alright?”

Monty stared at the oddly-behaving insects with a look of intense concentration. He abruptly groaned, holding a hand to his head. “That’s right, I… remember now. How did I forget something like that…?” He shook his head, sighing. “I swear, my mind is like a sieve some days. I always seem to be forgetting my keys or where my shoes are, but I didn’t realize I was losing important things…”

“Maybe you should schedule a doctor’s appointment,” Taylor suggested. “I know from experience that Memorial Hospital has excellent neurology specialists. Or at least it used to, they probably still have their contacts.”

Monty nodded, frowning intensely. Then he jerked, and gave her a half-hearted glare. “Now hold on. I’m no fool, Taylor Hebert, we were talking about your problems, not mine. Tell me what’s eating you, c’mon. Don’t worry if it’s embarrassing, apparently I won’t remember it anyway,” he said with an odd sort of half-smile.

Taylor snorted. It really was an awful joke.

“...I knew that coming back to Adultville was a mistake,” she said quietly. “There’s no sense in hiding it, I bet you already know who Holly’s fa--who her dad is.”

“I suspected as much, yes.” Monty nodded solemnly. “…Does he know?”

“Not as far as I can tell. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until after I left.” She tapped her fingers against the arm of the chair, thinking. “But, you know, there were a lot more reasons to come back than to stay away. I already mentioned the property values, that wasn’t a lie. And there’s a little security knowing that I’m close to the hospital that treated me in case it ever starts acting up again.

“And then there’s the fact that Holly is starting to get older. I’d held her back from school a year already, and I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to homeschool her for long, and if things are like how I remember there’s a very strict limit on how much damage a villain is allowed to do at the school before the Guild comes down on them.”

“The Guild?” Monty asked. “That sounds familiar. Wait, villains?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Taylor dismissed. “Oh, but the Guild is another reason I thought it might be safe. In a town like this, they’re the only thing holding things together. If I moved somewhere else everything would be fair game if he ever caught up with me, but here he has to worry about losing his member discounts if he attacks me at home.”

“He--attack you? We are still talking about Ben, right?”

But Taylor wasn’t listening anymore. “And, and I’m not really happy with Holly joining the Kids Next Door, not really, but it was only a matter of time before she got in trouble. She’s my daughter, either danger will find her or she’ll go looking for it. And if she’s going to be in danger anyway, it’s better for her to get some training and a team to back her up. Not to mention, this is one of the only places in the country where someone with powers like me and her can go without a secret identity and expect to not be torn to shreds in their homes even without Guild protection, so here she doesn’t have to hide herself. Assuming she even could, bugs just love her.”

“Taylor, you’re starting to shout--”

“Really, when you take everything together, I’d have been stupid not to move back here. The pros outnumber the cons by a lot. It was a great idea, except for the tiny caveat of my goddamn ex!”

She stood there wild-eyed, panting like she’d just run a marathon. After a moment she took notice of how quiet it had gotten, and found the other parents looking their way in concern. Thankfully the kids didn’t seem to have noticed anything amiss.

Monty cleared his throat. “Nothing to worry about, just talking about, er, sports!” he called. “Things got a bit heated.”

That seemed to do the trick, as it got Kani started on about how idiotic his favorite player had been last night. What sport or team he was talking about, Taylor really couldn’t bring herself to care as she sunk back into her seat.

“Sorry,” she sniffled. God, was she crying? “I-I’m sorry. But between my hair, and the Guild calling again, and then those freaky children showing up… and then Mr. Sanban.”

“Kani? What did he do?” Monty asked. What did he have to do with anything?

“The way he starts shouting and getting angry at the drop of a hat,” Taylor said, waving in his direction. “He got like that a lot too. Before I would have called him passionate, but…”

She trailed off, and Monty fidgeted in the silence. “Taylor, tell me, do you really think my brother is dangerous? I mean, he’s Ben! I know he can be a little temperamental, but--”

“Oh yeah, definitely,” she said. “You didn’t remember my bugs, so you probably don’t remember what he can do either.”

Now that was a horrifying thought, and it showed on Monty’s face.

“As for whether he’s a danger to me and Holly?” Taylor was silent for a long moment. “I don’t know. I’d like to think he isn’t, but then I wouldn’t have thought he could ever do what he did to those kids. I thought he was better than that.”

For a split second, Monty almost considered asking what his brother did. What horrible, heinous act (to children?!) his brother could have committed… but he decided he didn’t want to distress her even more by making her recount it. “Taylor…”

“I put Holly in danger. I thought it was safe, but I guarantee those children are going to tell him, and who knows what will happen?” She let her head drop into her hands. Then she recoiled away from her prosthetic. “I hate this stupid arm--!”

Monty stopped her trying to tear the arm off, speaking softly. “Taylor, look at me. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I already know you’re doing your best.”

“You don’t know that,” Taylor mumbled. “I’m going to have to start robbing banks again to keep GUISE happy, and there’s no way I can stay under the radar after that.”

“I’m going to ignore that you said that,” Monty said dryly. “And I do know, because I may not remember much but I do remember that you never do anything by half-measures. And look,” he said, pointing across the yard where Holly and her friends were playing that beanbag-in-the-hole game. As they watched, Holly took her turn and missed the hole by an inch, only for her pet to crawl out and drag it down like a trapdoor spider. Wallabee accused her of cheating, and she just laughed. “There’s Holly out there. She’s happy, healthy, and she has good friends by her side. What else can we ask for?”

“I just want her to be safe.”

“Well, there’s safe and then there’s safe.” Monty smirked, waggling his mustache. “Personally, I’ve always held that kids need to get into a few scrapes every now and then. It’s part of growing up.”

Taylor grumbled miserably.

If she’d been watching, Taylor might have been startled by the way something seemed to click on behind Monty’s eyes. It lasted just a moment and then it was gone again, but when he spoke next it was with a new confidence. “And remember. If the worst should happen after all, you and Holly will always have a safe place under my roof.” He glanced up at the treehouse, feeling like he was seeing it for the first time. “And above it, too.”

“...” Taylor let out a deep breath and smiled. It was small, but it was a smile nonetheless. “You know what, that does make me feel a little better. Thank you, Monty.”

“Of course.” He stood up and hauled her to her feet. “Now come, come, what say we try one of those pigs-in-a-blanket, eh wot? The smell’s been driving me mad this entire time.”

A car door slammed out front, and Monty paused, confused. “...That’s odd, I thought everyone was already here?”

Taylor winced. “Oh, uh, I forgot to bring it up. I might have invited a friend. I didn;t expect him to be so late--”

The fence gate flew open and Professor XXXL emerged, clad in a turtle shell and carrying a cooler full of what Monty and Taylor both hoped were just sodas.

“TAYLOR, my friend! Come and try this new flavor I’ve created! I call it, uh.” He checked a note scribbled on his sleeve. “Cinnamint! It burns, AND it freezes!”

-----------------------------------------------

End Transmission

Final Notes:

I’ve decided I’m not going to be leading the charge on the Delightfuls’ birthday party. I’ll stay close by so I can provide backup, but I want to see how the team will do without a senior operative around. I won’t be here much longer, so they need to pull their weight.

-Numbuh 11

---------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------

“So, my Delightful Children. Was the invitation delivered?”

The Children nodded, satisfied. “Yes, Father. The Kids Next Door were suitably annoyed and wound up. We expect that they’ll end up trying too hard when they attack, making fools out of themselves.”

“Excellent. Your duplicitous nature is a welcome surprise. Were there any complications?” he asked, leaning back in his chair.

“No, Father.”

“Then you may go. And ready yourselves. You wanted to challenge the Kids Next Door, fine, but don’t expect any handholding.”

Father closed his eyes, puffing on his pipe. It was all for show, of course, there was no nicotine involved, but the act had a calming effect on him. He idly blew a smoke ring and watched it vanish in the gloom.

Looking back down, he noticed that the Children hadn’t moved.

“Well? Was there something else you wanted to tell me?”

They conferred amongst themselves, twiddling their thumbs, until they seemed to come to a decision. “...No, Father.”

“Then what are you still doing here?” he demanded, and if the anger seemed forced the Delightful Children didn’t notice.

They hurried out, leaving him to his thoughts. With an effort of will, the curtains pulled themselves aside and Father looked upon his estate. In the distance, he could just about see the city proper beyond the wrought iron fence. That blasted treehouse stood above it all, of course, but if he let himself believe, he fancied he could just about see her.

“...I wonder,” he said to himself, “if she appreciated the scorpion. Has she figured out the venom is hot sauce yet? I bet she has.”