May Oysters Grieve - episode 10

MAY THE OYSTERS GRIEVE - episode 10

STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT

SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS

ANNOUNCER                Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!

ANNOUNCER                May the Oysters Grieve, episode 10

SHIP’S BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES – DING-DING DING-DING

ANNOUNCER                We return to the blighted Schumacher mansion, honeycombed with secret passages… and riddled with murder! The staff have been stifled and the ballroom is benighted! What more could happen to the remaining family members – triplets Tim, Tony, and Lulu, Aunts Beatrice and Bethany, and whichever old man survived, be it Peter or Paul, in these last hours before dawn? And what about the mysterious person wandering around out in the storm, trying to gain entrance to the house?

MUSIC SWELLS

SCENE 1.          MAIN FOYER

SOUND                          DUKE AND MAC RUN TO BODY, STOP

MAC                              Blast!  Every time I let my mind wander, someone is attacked or killed!

DUKE                             I doubt me it’s anything to do with you, Mac.  They’d keep on a‑doing what they’re doing even with your eagle eye on ‘em.

MAC                              Help me roll the body over, Duke.  Carefully, now.  Hmm.

SOUND                          BODY ROLLS LIMPLY

DUKE                             Is he breathing?

MAC                              I don’t see any movement.  No pulse.  I think he’s dead.  [sigh]  At least now we’ll be able to tell them apart.

DUKE                             Yeah, but the hunnert dollar question is, which one is he?

MUSIC

SCENE 2.          BALLROOM

SOUND                          FIREPLACE IN BG

SOUND                          PAGES TURN

IDA                                Where did you happen across this journal, Bertie?

BERTIE                          In a very secret room Zorion and I uncovered far up at the top of the house, Miss Ida.

CECILE                          More secret than all them other secret rooms?

BERTIE                          I should think so, Cecile.  It was up a stair and guarded by what I can only describe as a spring-loaded crossbow contraption that could easily have killed whomever tried to open the door.

CARSON                        Nasty stuff.

BERTIE                          Indeed.  Inside, we found a plethora of stage magician’s gear.  Vanishing cabinets and mystery boxes, and all that goes with them.  As well as a poster for “The Great Ciabattini.”

CARSON                        I’m guessing the book was with them, then?

BERTIE                          Yes.  Do you happen to speak any Italian, Carson?

CARSON                        Just enough to order pasta.

BERTIE                          And you, miss Ida?

IDA                                Italian?  No wonder I couldn’t make any sense of it.  I can read the handwriting, if that helps.  I’ll never forget all those painful penmanship lessons of my youth.

BERTIE                          Could you perhaps copy out some passages for me?  Preferably in more modern block letters.  I can probably make out most of it, but right now, it might as well be in a secret code.

IDA                                I’ll have it for you in a jiff.  Any passages in particular?

SOUND                          RIFFLING PAGES

BERTIE                          The glass box in this diagram, here, is what interests me, so any of the text in this general area would be most appreciated.  I must find out how it is trapped.

MUSIC

SCENE 3.          MAIN FOYER

SOUND                          MAC PACES

MAC                              If we assume the body is Gramps, simply because Paul was the more likely of the two to commit fratricide, then we still have Paul and Beatrice on the loose somewhere.

DUKE                             With everyone but us ‘n’ them corralled in the ballroom, there ain’t much chance for mischief, is there?  No one left for them to pick off.

MAC                              I would still feel a lot safer – for everyone’s sake – if we could round up Paul and Beatrice and get them safely locked up.

DUKE                             That Beatrice is a high-kicking mare, to be sure, but you think she could really kill a body?

MAC                              I think we have to assume she’s the one who stabbed Bethany, and only failed to kill her sister through her lack of experience.

DUKE                             Hate does terrible things to folks.

MAC                              In her case, there may be other motivations at play.  There are some emotions even stronger than hate.  Particularly for that type of woman.

MUSIC

SCENE 4.          BALLROOM

BERTIE                          May I have a moment, Lulu, privately?

LULU                             [a little worried]  All right.  Just over here?

SOUND                          THEY STEP AWAY

BERTIE                          I know how much trouble certain things can make, and want to leave it to your discretion who else should be informed about this.

LULU                             [still worried]  You make it sound so very serious.  Did you find another body?

BERTIE                          Nothing like that.  No, upstairs there was [checks around to make sure not overheard] …an enormous black pearl.  I am quite certain the box it is in is trapped, but--

LULU                             How big is enormous?

BERTIE                          – but even just gazing into the box, one could see that it had to be real.  I wouldn’t want just anyone to know about it until you and your family decide what to do with it.

LULU                             But, how big is “enormous”?

BERTIE                          Ummm.  I should say it was similar in size to a large walnut.  I can’t say I’ve ever seen a pearl so very big in my entire life.  It could be extremely valuable.

LULU                             Oh, my.

MUSIC

SCENE 5.          GRAND FOYER

MAC                              Let’s assume the two people remaining at large in the house are Beatrice and Paul.  And both are ready to kill.

DUKE                             Sounds like a right fine place to start.

SOUND                          MAC BEGINS TO PACE

MAC                              Beatrice wants the inheritance, so she can buy herself some long-desired fantasy of romance, while Paul presumably wants revenge on those who kept him locked up for so long.

DUKE                             Why would they a-done that, anyway?  Ain’t the kinda thing you usually do - to anyone ain’t committed a crime.

MAC                              What if he did?

DUKE                             Did what?

MAC                              Committed a crime.  Perhaps the family felt the shame of a public trial would be too much, and decided to handle it by keeping it in the family.

DUKE                             Din’t he say he was locked up for nearly thirty years?  What coulda happened so long ago?

MAC                              [grim]  Barbara Schumacher, identical sister of Beatrice and Bethany, and the mother of Tim, Tony, and Lulu – died.

DUKE                             [horrified] You think he mighta killed his own niece?

MAC                              [grim] Or worse.  There are other factors to take into consideration, none of which are… savory.  Either way, locking him up and making him disappear must have seemed like the right choice at the time.

DUKE                             Gramps musta been the one that done the locking up, too!  But what’s all this got to do with the murders now?

MAC                              The way I see it, Paul wanted – or needed – to get back at those who locked him up, meaning Peter… and the servants, Gideon and Hilda.  They must have been complicit in his care – feeding him and taking him supplies.

DUKE                             You gotcha something there, pal!

MAC                              He may also have it in for Beatrice and Bethany, if they were involved at all.

DUKE                             At least Lulu and the boys shouldn’t be on his “most wanted” list – they were barely born at the time.

MUSIC

SCENE 6.                       KITCHEN

SOUND                          KNIFE FROM KNIFE BLOCK

BEATRICE                      Oh that butter feels so good! I didn’t even notice how much damage I did, dragging off my dear Zorion, but it was worth it.  He’s almost everything I always wanted in a man.  And since I’ll be rich once I sell the black pearl, I don’t even need him to provide for us.  Just to love me as I deserve to be loved!

SOUND                          SLIDES KNIFE BACK, THEN PULLS IT OUT

BEATRICE                      I best keep this.  I might have to cut him out of the ropes I tied him with.  [dark] Or defend myself against that woman that lays claim to his affections.  I fancy that’s that actress – the wild one – from Tim’s idiot film.  Too bad for him if I hurt her a bit.  [chuckles creepily]

MUSIC

SCENE 7.                       OUTSIDE

SOUND                          SQUISHY WALKING, HEAVY STORM

HAKU                            Must get inside.  Almost got blowed away more than once, but nothing gonna stop me.  Bad luck she was here when the storm came.  I don’t care who finds out about us, if it keeps her from being hurt.

SOUND                          STEPS MOVE OFF MUD ONTO STONE

HAKU                            [heavy sigh] Finally.  Good thing I have a key.

SOUND                          JINGLE OF LARGE RING OF KEYS

MUSIC

FAKE COMMERCIAL

ANNOUNCER                We've all had one of those trips: driving carelessly through luscious countryside, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, far away from the madding crowd... and run out of gas.

SOUND                          MUSIC TURNS DARK

ANNOUNCER                And what do you do if there's no help to be found for miles in any direction?  When the last sign of civilization you passed was hours ago, and was one lonely Burma-shave sign, without a rhyme or reason?

SOUND                          MUSIC BRIGHTENS

ANNOUNCER                If you planned ahead, you might have a full gas can, and wouldn’t spend more than a brief pause of inconvenience.  Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T  FAST! [fast effect]  Is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has.  FAST [fast effect] won't buy you gas, but it is the backup plan for everything else.  We’re there for you when your tank runs dry.

SCENE 8.                       BALLROOM

SOUND                          BOOK SLAMMED SHUT

IDA                                Bertie!  I think you have some explaining to do.

BERTIE                          Whatever do you mean?

IDA                                I may not speak Italian, but there’s one word in here that even I can recognize – dynamite!

[EVERYONE REACTS]

BERTIE                          That’s rather what I was afraid of.

ROSE                             Dynamite? Who’s got dynamite?

IDA                                The Great Ciabattini [chah-bah-TEE-nee], for one.  Or he wanted to get some.  I don’t know which.

BERTIE                          It would have been before the law restricting the sale to professionals.

ROSE                             And Hawaii wasn’t even a territory back then.

BERTIE                          Pretty lawless, then.

KALEA                           Laws for poor folks and islanders.  Not so much for rich white landowners.

BERTIE                          The rich always find a way to get what they want.  Hmm… [thinks] Look, Ida, can you keep transcribing that book, while I go and find Mac and Duke and bring them up to speed on this turn of events?

IDA                                Of course, but there is one more thing you probably need to know first.

BERTIE                          I’m certain there’s plenty I don’t know, but I am all ears.

IDA                                Over here, where the others can’t hear.

BERTIE                          [serious] Indeed.

MUSIC

SCENE 9.          GRAND FOYER

SOUND                          MAC PACES

MAC                              Paul may feel that his revenge is complete.  All he needs to do now, is show up and claim to be Gramps, identify this body as the murderous Paul, and insist that he killed him in self-defense.  He could be pretty much home free.

DUKE                             What a varmint!

MAC                              Besides, Gramps himself pointed out that since his brother was declared dead after being missing for seven years, Paul would be ineligible for the full inheritance anyway.

DUKE                             Unless he takes Gramps’ place.

MUSIC

SCENE 10.                     KITCHEN

SOUND                          CUTTING ON A PLATE

BEATRICE                      So glad I thought of this before I headed back.  The way to a man’s heart IS through his stomach, after all.  I hope he likes cold tongue and mayo.  It’s all we had.  I could wake up Hilda, but she would just complain, and I CAN make a sandwich or three all by myself.

SOUND                          WAXED PAPER RUSTLES

BEATRICE                      There.  As neat a package as anyone could make.  Wrapped in a nice towel, in a basket.  He’ll see how much I care for him.  What was his name again? Zero? Zorro? I can’t recall just now, but his face is etched in my memory.

SOUND                          BASKET CREAKS AS SHE PICKS IT UP

BEATRICE                      Oh, how silly of me! I almost forgot the knife! [giggles creepily]

SOUND                          KNIFE PICKED UP

MUSIC

SCENE 11.                     BALLROOM

SOUND                          FIREPLACE, CONVERSATIONS IN THE BG

BERTIE                          Secluded enough for you, miss Ida?

IDA                                Should be, but let’s talk quietly.

BERTIE                          You had something to say about dynamite?

IDA                                It was the mention of dynamite that brought it rushing back.  In the catacombs under this place, when we were trapped, there was a place where we had to [shudders] uhhh… leap over a large hole, about 5 feet across.  It was more of a clean gap in the corridor, than a sinkhole or animal burrow.  And down in the bottom of it… [gasps]

BERTIE                          Go on.  I promise anything you say is between us.

IDA                                Everyone saw the boxes, I’m sure, since someone mentioned that they might have cushioned a fall, if any of us failed to make it across.  [haunted] They saw the boxes, but I – I saw the name on the boxes.  [offhand] I’ve gotten a bit farsighted in my age.

BERTIE                          The name?

IDA                                All business, eh? [a bit less spooked] The name was “Hercules”.  And I know the logo of the Hercules Dynamite Company all too well.

BERTIE                          You do? May I inquire how?

IDA                                I didn’t suddenly run off to Hollywood at my advanced age.  I was a featured player - in serials, back in my heyday.  Silents like “Dodie in Danger” – that was one of my biggest hits.  Every other installment, I was tied to railroad tracks – the rest of the time, I was locked up with so many boxes of dynamite, I’m surprised I didn’t put it together sooner.

BERTIE                          [horrified] I say! They used real dynamite in your films?

IDA                                I certainly hope not, at least not while we actors were around.  But they did use real dynamite boxes, if you know what I mean.

BERTIE                          I see.  Is there any chance you might be able to lead us back to this trapped pit?

IDA                                [fearful] Not me, no! I’ll talk to the others while you find Mac, see if they can recall the way we got there.

BERTIE                          Cheers.  And don’t worry.  [lying smoothly] Dynamite that old is probably too decayed to do much.

MUSIC

SCENE 12.                     BALLROOM

SOUND                          CHAIR PULLED OVER, TONY SITS

TONY                            You doing ok, Marjorie? Rose says it’s not as bad as it looked.

MARJORIE                    [tired throughout] Which one are you?

TONY                            Tony.  [self-mocking] The… evil twin.

MARJORIE                    Figures.  I throw myself at a fellow, and he’s the evil one.  [laughs, but it hurts]

SOUND                          TIM COMES OVER

TIM                               Rose asked me to check on you.  But I can wait--?

TONY                            It’s fine.  I mean, she’s fine, Tim.

TIM                               I know it’s not my place, and might not even be feasible, but if your movie is short an actress, Marjorie is very good.

MARJORIE                    I was about to say something like that, but it sounds better coming form you.

TIM                               [chuckles]

TONY                            Get Mac to suggest her.  I doubt they want to hear anything from me except a guilty plea.  But, if you can sing, I think you could do well in the role.

TIM                               Don’t worry Tony, we’ll hire you the best lawyers.

TONY                            Dying isn’t what scares me.  No one’s been executed here in a decade.

TIM                               Still…

TONY                            It’s ok, Tim.  I should be punished.  [trying to keep it light] Besides, prison will give me plenty of time to write my next screenplay.

MUSIC

SCENE 13.                     HALLWAY

SOUND                          QUIET SNEAKY WALKING

BEATRICE                      [talking to self] It’s just perfect! My perfect man, a perfect pearl to pay for everything in my perfect life, and a storm outside the house.  [laughs] It’s even a perfect storm!

SOUND                          SHE STOPS, CLICKS OPEN A LATCH

BEATRICE                      Now to start convincing him I’m the only one he needs.  This lovely sandwich I whipped up after buttering my burned hand should satisfy any hunger cravings he has.  And the way to a man’s heart… [chuckles delightedly]

SOUND                          DOOR SWINGS OPEN, SHE STEPS IN

BEATRICE                      I know a sandwich is a bit awkward with your hands tied, but I’m ready to hand feed you— [gasp!] No! He’s – where could he have gone?!!!

MUSIC

SCENE 14.                     SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE

SOUND                          ZORION’S BARE FEET WALKING

ZORION                        May be easy to move through hidden places, but they not go where I need.  Some turn left, when I want right.  And crazy woman moves through here, I can tell.  I will not be fooled again.

SOUND                          HE CROUCHES AND TAKES A LONG SNIFFING BREATH

ZORION                        Many come through, not long ago.  Rose and Amaya among them.  But which way come and which way go? Choose, Zorion.  Hmm.

SOUND                          DISTANT FOOTSTEPS SLOWLY APPROACH

ZORION                        Huh? [listens for a moment] Not the woman, then who? I will hide and watch.

SOUND                          HIS FEET PAD ACROSS THE FLOOR

MUSIC

SCENE 15.                     BALLROOM

SOUND                          FIREPLACE

ROSE                             Before he left, Bertie suggested we move everyone to the far wall of the ballroom.

LARRY                           Why?

ROSE                             I don’t know, Larry, but I suspect he knows something we don’t.

LARRY                           Why the far end of the room?

ROSE                             It could be any number of possibilities.  Maybe he worries abut the house catching fire, or thinks that someone might come through that door, shooting.  Ours is not to reason why…

AMAYA                         Get other end of couch, Larry.

SOUND                          COUCH MOVES, SLOWLY, ACROSS WOOD

LARRY                           [straining slightly] I’m not shirking! I just want to know what’s going on!

ROSE                             Move it over against that wall – that seems to be the remotest part from the house.  Bertie’s not one to worry people until he proves what the problem is.  Soon as he’s sure, he’ll let us know.  Okay?

CECILE                          Well, Mr. Carson, they got Marjorie’s couch, how bout you help me move Aunt Bethany?

CARSON                        Count me in, Cecile.  Ida?

IDA                                I’ll bring the pool cues.

MUSIC

SCENE 16.                     GRAND FOYER

SOUND                          MAC PACES

MAC                              We need to find Bertie and make sure everyone is secure.  Then we can wait out the storm.

DUKE                             Oh, Mac, you know you ain’t letting go of a mystery like this that easily.

MAC                              No, but--

SOUND                          FRONT DOOR OPENS, HEAVY WIND AND RAIN

SOUND                          SLOSHING FEET ENTER

DUKE                             What in tarnation?

SOUND                          ONE DOOR WRESTLED SHUT, THEN BLOWS OPEN

MAC                              Here, let me help.

SOUND                          MAC DASHES OVER

SOUND                          MAC AND THE NEW ARRIVAL GET THE DOOR SHUT AND BOLTED

MAC                              [breathing a bit heavy from exertion] Now, tell us who you are and why you’re here.

HAKU                            I work here.  Who are you?

PAUL                             [as Gramps, from top of stairs]  Akamai? [ah-kah-mah-ee] Is that you?  These are burglars!  Shoot them!

SOUND                          GUN BEING DRAWN

MUSIC                           TO CLOSING

ANNOUNCER                Can Mac and Duke reason with the groundskeeper, or will they have a fight on their hands?  Will Mr.  Akamai believe them if they tell him the man commanding him is not the real Gramps? Does Rose have enough bandages in that medical kit?  And can Zorion get far enough away before Beatrice returns to have her wicked way with him?

END