May Oysters Grieve - episode 6

MAY THE OYSTERS GRIEVE - episode 6

STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT

SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS

ANNOUNCER                Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!

ANNOUNCER                May the Oysters Grieve, episode 6

SHIP’S BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES – DING-DING DING-DING

ANNOUNCER                We left our heroes scattered to the four winds – even though the literal winds are raging outside the secretive and deadly Schumacher mansion.  Mac is dashing to the rescue of a screaming Cecile in the kitchen, with Duke and Carson joining him from another direction.  Rose and Amaya are hot on the tail of the fugitive Antione, while Lulu and Kalea plan to rouse the actors and arrange for everyone’s safety.  Elsewhere, Bertie and Zorion have reached the ultimate point of the twisty passages and face a dangerous door.

MUSIC SWELLS

SCENE 1.          KITCHEN

CECILE                          [Still hysterical]  Oh lord!  Oh lord save me!  [muttering ad lib]

HILDA                            [confused]  What’s going on?  I was sleeping and then suddenly—Have you lost your mind, girl?

SOUND                          DOOR SLAMS OPEN, MAC ENTERS

HILDA & CECILE            [small screams, startled]

CECILE                          [back to praying]  Lord deliver us from evil!  [Etc.]

MAC                              What the devil?  [to Hilda]  Are you hurt?

HILDA                            Oh you startled me – my heart nearly stopped, I’m sure!  Why does everyone go rushing about like— [cut off by]

MAC                              You’re not injured, though?

HILDA                            Why would you think—

CECILE                          You’re covered in blood, woman!  You don’t even smell it?

HILDA                            Blood? 

SOUND                          SLIGHTLY STICKY NOISE AS SHE TOUCHES HER FACE

HILDA                            Blood!  [starts getting hysterical]  Oh no!  get it off me!  I can’t stand it!  [etc. ad lib]

CECILE                          [calming down a bit]  I – I just woke up and she was like that – It was the shock, after everything else, and all this talk of ghosts, and I just lost my mind for a minute.

SOUND                          DUKE AND CARSON COME BANGING IN

CECILE & HILDA            [scream again]

DUKE                             Mac!  You’re back!

CARSON                        Hey, what’s the scoop?

MAC                              Hush!

SOUND                          [everyone hushes]

MAC                              Hold on, Duke, Carson.  [to Hilda]  Ma’am, if you’d please get a cloth and clean all that off.  We need to know if you’re injured.

HILDA                            [sniffling a bit]  Of course.  Yes.

SOUND                          SHE GOES TO SINK, RUNS WATER, WASHES VIGOROUSLY

MAC                              [to Cecile]  Did you see anything, Cecile?

CECILE                          Hilda said she, well, she said she saw a ghost.  She was scared to death.  She begged me to sit up with her, but I guess we both dozed off.  And then I woke up and [faltering] saw – blood – everywhere….

MAC                              If it makes it any better, it doesn’t appear to be her blood.

CECILE                          It’s still BLOOD, ain’t it?  Blood ain’t never good!

MUSIC

SCENE 2.          GALLERY, INTO BALLROOM

SOUND                          WALKING CAUTIOUSLY

LULU                             Stay to the middle of the hall, just in case, Kalea.  If the killer knows about the secret panels, he could jump out of just about anywhere.

KALEA                           Hold on, Lulu!  You’re making me wary of everything.

LULU                             I’m making me wary, too!  I grew up in this house and I can’t recall a time I felt so afraid – never, before… Gideon’s body. 

KALEA                           Just you and your brothers?  All alone?

LULU                             We were the only kids.  There were children among the plantation workers, but playing with them was even more forbidden than leaving the estate.  [apologetic]  Not our choice.  We were just kids.

KALEA                           Gotcha.  And you grew up so you could make your own choices.

LULU                             You’re not appalled I gave up the chance for the big jackpot?  I could use it, of course – who doesn’t need money?  But I can’t wait to get back to Hollywood and out of danger.

KALEA                           More than money, we need protection.  Mac can clearly punch a guy out, but I want a stick or something. 

LULU                             [amused relief]  Me too.  Sticks for everyone!  [pause]  I just hope the others are all ok.

KALEA                           You said it.

SOUND                          THEY OPEN THE DOOR

MUSIC

SCENE 3.          KITCHEN

HILDA                            [generally crying throughout, she gets loud on occasion and sniffles a lot]

SOUND                          CLANG, PICKING UP FRYING PAN

CECILE                          Now that I’m all calmed down and can think straight again, I’m figuring I need this.

SOUND                          SMACKS FRYING PAN

CECILE                          And I don’t mean for making biscuits.

DUKE                             You gotcha something there, Ma’am.  You think we should be a-looking to arm everyone, Mac?

MAC                              Yes, but I don’t think it’s an emergency. 

CARSON                        What was it you said about murder?

MAC                              Gideon’s dead.

HILDA                            [wailing in over-the-top grief]  Oh Gideon!  He didn’t deserve such a terrible end!

MAC                              Carson, can you see these two ladies to the ballroom, to join the actors?  Duke and I will see who else is loose around the place, and try to bring everyone together. 

CARSON                        You can count on me.

DUKE                             We can circle the wagons in there, all right.  Murderers hardly ever like to face a posse, even if it is all civilians.

MUSIC

SCENE 4.          BALLROOM, WAKING UP THE ACTORS

SOUND                          SOME SCUFFLING OF CLOTHING

LULU                             Where’s Marjorie?

LARRY                           [sleepy]  Who knows? [yawns]

IDA                                Probably went looking for the powder room.

LULU                             I showed you where it is, Ida, didn’t I?

IDA                                That hall, second door, yes.  But after what happened when we tried to find the kitchen, I was planning to use the corner, myself, and to hell with propriety.

KALEA                           [laughs]

LARRY                           No!  You didn’t really?

IDA                                It hasn’t been an issue, Larry, but now that you mention it….

LARRY                           [realizing]  Oh…

LULU                             We’ll all go.  To hell with propriety, right?  Come on.

KALEA                           If anyone sees sticks, or what else we can use for a weapon, holler.

IDA                                Weapons?

LARRY                           What’s going on?

LULU                             Oh.  [sigh]  There’s been a murder.  We shouldn’t be in danger, but it’s better—

LARRY                           Murder?  Mur--?

IDA                                [cutting in, brisk]  Better to be safe than sorry.  Right.  Suddenly I have no urge to go back to sleep.  Ever.  Oh, dear, where’s Cecile?

LARRY                           Didn’t she stay behind in the kitchen?

LULU                             Powder room first, then kitchen.  Come on.

MUSIC

SCENE 5.          BEHIND THE WALL

SOUND                          SLOW DISHEARTENED POUNDING

MARJORIE                    [whimpering and sniffling as she pounds]  I … Want…. Out….

TONY                            [echoing down the hall]  How much?

MARJORIE                    [perking up, but wary]  How much... what?

TONY                            [getting closer with each line]  How much do you want out?

MARJORIE                    [puzzled]  Is this a joke, Tim?  I’ve never heard you sound like this.

TONY                            Maybe…  I’m not Tim.

MARJORIE                    I don’t understand.  Do you know the way out?

TONY                            I got in here, didn’t I?

MARJORIE                    >I< in got here, too, and I have no idea how to get out.

TONY                            If I’m not Tim, who could I be?

MARJORIE                    He’s got a twin or something.  Is that you?  Wait, didn’t you—?

TONY                            [bitter]  Kill someone? 

MARJORIE                    No, that’s not what I was--  Hold on, did you say kill?

MUSIC

SCENE 6.          MYSTERY HALL

SOUND                          TWANG, CLUNK FROM END OF LAST EP

BERTIE                          [gasping noise from before]

SOUND                          TWANG CLUNK

ZORION                        Hold.

SOUND                          SOMETHING METAL SNAPS, BEHIND THE WALL - MACHINE DIES

ZORION                        No more.

BERTIE                          I think two metal bolts aimed at my.... [gulp] well, at a standing person’s midsection – are quite enough.

ZORION                        Good stay on floor, Bertie.

SOUND                          ZORION PULLS BERTIE TO HIS FEET

BERTIE                          Indubitably.  [slight apologetic cough]  Yes.

ZORION                        Here.  Pierce machine with its claw.

SOUND                          WOBBLES ONE OF THE EMBEDDED BOLTS OUT OF THE WALL

ZORION                        For safe.

SOUND                          HE JAMS IT INTO THE HOLE, BLOCKING IT UP - THUMP GRIND

BERTIE                          I say, that’s a stroke of genius, Zorion.  Blocking it up for good. 

ZORION                        [comparing their strengths]  You talk; >I< do.

BERTIE                          [laughs]  Excellent.  Now, let’s see what’s behind this door.

SOUND                          GRIPS HANDLE, THEN LETS GO

BERTIE                          I think we should still stay a bit back, in case this door holds any further surprises. 

SOUND                          THEY BACK OFF A BIT

SOUND                          BERTIE GRABS THE KNOB AGAIN FIRMLY

BERTIE                          On three.  One, two…

MUSIC

SCENE 7.          SECOND FLOOR HALL

SOUND                          ROSE AND AMAYA’S SLOW SNEAKING STEPS

ROSE                             [whispering]  Which way do you think he went?

AMAYA                         [whispering]  Wall.  Here.

SOUND                          LIGHT TAP ON HOLLOW WOOD

ROSE                             [quiet but not whisper]  Another stupid door?  What is this house made of, Swiss Cheese?

AMAYA                         No.  Cheese smell more.

ROSE                             [laughs]

SOUND                          CREAKING FOOTSTEPS, DISTANT

AMAYA                         Someone walks there.

ROSE                             Who?

AMAYA                         Woman.

ROSE                             Must be one of the aunts.  We should get her.  Come on.

BETHANY                      [down the hall]  Hello?  Who’s there?

ROSE                             I think that’s Bethany--

BETHANY                      [scream, gurgle]

ROSE                             Oh no!

AMAYA                         [growls and takes off toward the sound] 

SOUND                          AMAYA’S RUNNING FEET

ROSE                             Right behind ya!

SOUND                          ROSE RUNS AFTER AMAYA

MUSIC

FAKE COMMERCIAL

ANNOUNCER                We've all had one of those trips: driving carelessly through luscious countryside, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, far away from the madding crowd... and run out of gas.

SOUND                          MUSIC TURNS DARK

ANNOUNCER                And what do you do if there's no help to be found for miles in any direction?  When the last sign of civilization you passed was hours ago, and was a ramshackle honkeytonk that only comes to life after dark?

SOUND                          MUSIC BRIGHTENS

ANNOUNCER                If you planned ahead, you might have a full gas can, and wouldn’t spend more than two pins of inconvenience.  Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T  FAST! [fast effect]  Is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has.  FAST [fast effect] won't buy you gas, but it is the backup plan for everything else.  We’re there for you when your tank runs dry.

SCENE 8.          KITCHEN

SOUND                          DOOR SHUTS

DUKE                             Lets get a move on, Mac.  There’s a killer on the loose.

MAC                              It won’t do any good to go chasing our tails all over this house, Duke.  We can’t control the terrain, so we have to control the action.

DUKE                             You gotta plan?

SOUND                          MAC PACES

MAC                              Right now, if we assume the killer is only after the family, then our priority has to be to get them all to safety.

DUKE                             If he’s after the money, then the killer must be one of the family hisself.

MAC                              Or herself.

DUKE                             [shocked]  You suspect Lulu?

MAC                              You forget there’s Aunts Beatrice and Bethany around here somewhere. 

DUKE                             Oh lordy – that Beatrice, she tried to put us out the house.  I don’t doubt me she could kill someone.

MAC                              Of course, once the killer gets started, he – let’s just call it a “he” for now – he might feel like he needs to get rid of any witnesses.

DUKE                             In which case, ain’t no one safe. 

MUSIC

SCENE 9.          UPSTAIRS HALL

SOUND                          DISTANT FEET FLEEING

SOUND                          AMAYA, THEN ROSE, RUNS UP

BETHANY                      [ragged breath, moan of pain]

AMAYA                         [eager]  Chase?

ROSE                             No!  We have to help her!

AMAYA                         Yes.  There is much blood.

ROSE                             Ma’am, are you able to answer me?

BETHANY                      It hurts.

ROSE                             Can you tell me your name?

BETHANY                      Bethany.  [weakening, so the final name is barely a whisper]  Bethany Schumacher Akamai [ah-kah-ma-ee].

ROSE                             You’re still conscious, Bethany, and that’s good.  Where does it hurt?

AMAYA                         Blood is under her.  Under her back.

ROSE                             All right.  I need to see the injury.  We’re going to carefully roll you over. 

SOUND                          TIM RUNS IN, STOPS, ALMOST SKIDS

TIM                               Oh god!

AMAYA                         Tim!

TIM                               Is that--?

ROSE                             It’s Bethany.  Tim, find some bandages, and maybe a sewing kit? 

TIM                               But—

ROSE                             And something I can clean this wound with?

SOUND                          THEY ROLL HER OVER, A BIT OF STICKY NOISE

TIM                               Ugh!  Blood!

SOUND                          AMAYA SPRINGS UP, GRABS TIM

AMAYA                         Show me, Tim.  Quick.  Rose, be wary.  [back to Tim]  Cleaning, Tim.  Bandage.  Sewing.

TIM                               Yess…. 

SOUND                          THEY GO OFF

ROSE                             Okay.  Just keep breathing, Bethany.  I think this isn’t as bad as it looks.  I’m sure it hurts like anything, but it doesn’t seem deep. 

MUSIC

SCENE 10.        BALLROOM

SOUND                          DOOR OPENS, PEOPLE WALK IN

CARSON                        Mm-hmm.  Not what I expected.

HILDA                            You said they’d be here!  I don’t want to be on my own.

CECILE                          We’re still here with you, Hilda.

HILDA                            And much good you’ve been – falling asleep and leaving me to the killer’s tender mercies.

CECILE                          [long breath, then quiet, under Carson’s line]  Please lord, keep me from clobbering this woman.

CARSON                        Ma’am, we’re not going anywhere.  Why don’t you have a seat on one of those comfy chairs and I’ll check the doors, but I promise not to take one step out of your sight.

HILDA                            Well.  The way my heart is palpitating, I could do with a rest.

CECILE                          [firm]  I’ll check the doors over there.  You check the nearby ones.

SOUND                          SHE WALKS AWAY

CECILE                          [Afterthought]  Wait.  Do we just open each door and holler?  See if anyone answers?

CARSON                        Pretty much my plan.

HILDA                            I’ll supervise from over here.  My heart won’t--

CECILE                          [exasperated]  You go on ahead and do just that.

CARSON                        Well, here goes.

SOUND                          DOOR OPENS

CARSON                        [calling into hallway]  Hellooo?  Actors?  Anyone?

CECILE                          Hah.  How do I yell to say “anyone out there – that ain’t a murderer?”

MUSIC

SCENE 11.        BILLIARD ROOM

SOUND                          BILLIARD BALL HITTING A WALL, HARD

LARRY                           Home run!

LULU                             Larry, I’m impressed!

LARRY                           I told you I played a little baseball before I got scouted for movies, Lulu.  Billiard balls are heavier than what I’m used to, but I can still put a pitch where I want it. 

IDA                                Here.  It’s a bit makeshift, but a pillowcase will be easier to carry around than stuffing balls in your pockets.

LARRY                           Thanks, Ida. 

KALEA                           Hmm.  For the rest of us, care to take your choice of cues, ladies?

LULU                             [chuckling]  Sticks for everyone, eh, Kalea?

KALEA                           You bet. 

IDA                                I can caddy for you, but I’m unlikely to be doing any hitting.

KALEA                           We keep you safe, auntie.  No worry.  Back to the ballroom?

MUSIC

SCENE 12.        TURRET, BEYOND THE TRAPPED DOOR

SOUND                          DOOR SLOWLY SHUTTING

BERTIE                          I say, catch the door.

SOUND                          DOOR STOPS AS ZORION GRABS IT

BERTIE                          I don’t put it past the trapmaker to try and lock us in here as a last resort, to protect his secrets.

ZORION                        What secret?

BERTIE                          If I knew, it wouldn’t be a secret.  Here.  A little light will help.

SOUND                          LIGHTER ON

BERTIE                          But not much, as it happens.  Aha, that might be a window.  And here.

SOUND                          HE PICKS UP A BOOK AND PASSES IT TO ZORION

BERTIE                          Block the door open with this, while I see if I can get the drapes to open.

ZORION                        Mm-hm.

SOUND                          BOOK IN DOOR

BERTIE                          Hmm.  This seems to be the curtain pull, and I haven’t spotted anything dangerous.  Perhaps it’s all right, now that we got in.

ZORION                        Be wary.

BERTIE                          Yes, indeed.

SOUND                          ROPE CREAK, FABRIC SWISHES, SOME KIND OF REVEAL NOISE

BERTIE                          Oh my.  That explains rather a lot.

MUSIC

SCENE 13.        RETURNING TO BALLROOM

SOUND                          EVERYONE WALKING

KALEA                           Almost back, right Lulu?

LULU                             Yeah. 

LARRY                           I’d still prefer a gun.

IDA                                [snippy]  Have you ever actually shot a gun, Larry?

LARRY                           All the time!  [grudging]  ...when it’s in the script.

IDA                                Well, then – have you ever actually aimed a gun?

LULU                             I don’t think there are any guns in the house, anyway.

LARRY                           Wish I’d known there might be fighting.  I could have kept Lionel’s pickaxe handy.

KALEA                           A pickaxe?  Where?

LARRY                           Oh, in the ... well, in the movie.

IDA                                Why did Lionel have a pickaxe anyway, Larry?  He wasn’t digging anything.

LARRY                           [pretending huffy, a bit British, but bad]  Oh, Ida, you poor dear thing.  Lionel Kingsley, I’ll have you know, was an eminent mountain climber.  [losing it a bit]  That’s how he met Amaya – I mean Amanitra – in some exotic spot in the mountains somewhere.  [back to normal]  The script wasn’t very clear.

LULU                             [sigh]  It was left to the imagination of the audience.  No matter how exotic a real place is now, in five years, it could be an airport or an army base.  Ruins the mystique.

KALEA                           Speaking of exotic, isn’t that the door to the ballroom?

MUSIC

SCENE 14.        OUTSIDE DINING ROOM

SOUND                          RATTLE OF LOCKED DOOR

DUKE                             I swear’n we din’t lock the dining room door when we left, Mac!

MAC                              No time for niceties, Duke.  Put your shoulder to it.

DUKE                             Right with ya.  [revving up noises, charge, and impact]

MAC                              [revving up noises, charge, and impact]

SOUND                          BOTH MEN SLAM INTO THE DOOR

SOUND                          DOOR FLIES OPEN

DUKE                             Hey!  What in the blue blazes--?

[NOTE: They barge in to find Paul and Gramps trying to strangle each other, dressed similarly]

GRAMPS                       [croaking]  He’s trying to kill me!  Stop him!

DUKE                             Can you tell which one’s which, Mac?

PAUL                             He’s the murderer!  I’m just defending myself!

MAC                              One of them must be Gramps!  You grab the one on the right!

DUKE                             Watch that hole in the wall, Mac!  One of ‘em might try and make a break—

GRAMPS                       [noise of effort]  Ungh!

SOUND                          GRAMPS PUSHES PAUL OFF, PAUL STUMBLES INTO DUKE

PAUL                             [Noise as he stumbles, impacts Duke]  Hooah!  Oompf.

DUKE                             Whoah there!  [catching Gramps] Unh!  Whichever one that is – he’s getting away!

MUSIC TO CLOSING

ANNOUNCER                What is the secret Bertie and Zorion have uncovered?  Who stabbed Bethany, and will Rose be able to save her?  Where did one of the elderly twins escape to, and which one is which?  Will Hilda meet the business end of a frying pan?  And most of all, can Mac prevent any further murderous attempts? 

END