work & health updates 💜

Thank you everyone, as always, for your support this month!! 💜
To start, I wanted to remind folks that I have a Bluesky account (and I also made a SFW only profile here if you’d like to follow both)! I’ll probably still be posting some watermarked artwork to Twitter on occasion to try to get people to follow me elsewhere, but I'll probably be focusing on Bluesky for social media going forward.

I’ve wanted to make an update post for a while now, just to share what I’ve been dealing with, but I’ve had a hard time doing so until now! Everything has been so overwhelming, and I’ve struggled with communication issues and a fear of annoying people/coming off as whiny/etcetc. But my health also affects my work as an artist, so I need to push past my fear and just speak honestly about myself.

This might be kind of rambly, but if you would like to know how I’m doing, here’s the update:

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At the end of September, I got a full MRI done of my spine, which I’d never had done before (but probably should have). It revealed a few new things about what’s going on with my body, although it’s all related to my scoliosis, which is considered severe at a curve of 85 degrees and would normally have been treated with surgery during childhood. My spine also has some canal stenosis (basically, the spine narrowing and putting pressure on the nerves and spinal cord), as well as bulging discs. Each of these factors on their own can cause pain, which might put into perspective the level of pain that I’ve been experiencing.

Because I haven’t had an MRI done before, I can’t compare these results to anything other than previous X-rays of my spine. While my scoliosis has been severe since it was initially diagnosed when I was around 18, there are obviously some things that have degenerated since then, as these are all degenerative conditions.
Over the course of this year, I’ve gradually lost my ability to bend over without pain or muscle spasms, and my chronic pain has worsened.

I don’t really know what my next steps are, because I’ve been told by multiple spine specialists over the years that it’s “up to me” if I were to get spinal fusion surgery, but it wouldn’t fix my spine because of the severity of the curve. It is possible that even after surgery, I may experience ongoing or worsening pain later in life because of it. I’ve pretty much been left on my own to manage my condition through my adult life, since nothing has ever been offered to me as a treatment plan, aside from physical therapy. There’s simply no easy fix to my condition, and I think many doctors and specialists have underestimated the severity of it, possibly due to my downplaying of pain. I’ve been able to get by for years now, but a lot of that I believe is due to being extremely dissociated from my body and the level of pain I’ve been in. I have been dealing with undiagnosed (C)PTSD alongside all this, which is a big source of the dissociation and disconnection with my body.

It’s been a struggle to get medical care in the place that I’m currently living, and I’m on a waiting list for pretty much everything, both for my physical conditions as well as mental health. Thankfully, because I’ve been able to better understand what’s been going on with me, I’ve been able to help myself in some ways by being more mindful of my mental health. There isn’t a whole lot at the moment that helps my physical symptoms, but I’m trying everything I can to minimize pain so that I can keep working and being active as much as possible. 

All this stuff going on has made me shut down from communicating at times, especially when the pain is severe or I’m feeling sick. Because of that, I’ve been struggling with things like talking in my Discord server/talking to friends and things like that. It’s really hard to explain to people what I’m going through, but it affects my day to day life heavily. I hate that I shut down, though, and I’m actively working on it. You may have seen me say that before, because, well, it’s been going on for a long time! But as I said, I have a better understanding of why I feel so terrible at times and why I isolate/struggle with communication, so things are getting better bit by bit as I figure out ways to make it easier for myself.

All that is to say that I am still working, and I’ll never stop making art for as long as I’m able, but I’m also dealing with some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt during flare-ups that can last for days. I’m still the sole provider for myself and my spouse right now. Especially because of this, I appreciate everyone that supports me financially in any way, so much! I also appreciate anyone who shares my art with others and sends other people my way, through social media/discord/whatever. I’m so glad that I have art as an outlet, and I hope everyone continues to enjoy the things I make.
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Thank you so much for reading this, and for being here! I have lots of works in progress that I’m excited to share with you all, and I’ll be gradually catching up on posting work that I haven’t posted yet as well. 💜 I hope you all are having a good October!!