Not quite there yet

Hi everyone, Mocha here. This is going to be a long post, but first let me say i am happy to see everyone here, still alive and kicking. I missed every one of you guys, truly. I didn't want to jump right into my real purpose for this post, i want to start somewhat positively, if that helps. I hope you like this WIP of a piece for one of my very creative and imaginative friends here who is a fan of Holo from Spice and wolf. That aside, here goes...


(Emotional post ahead, might be corny or heavy, but Ill write honestly from the heart. So please be warned because it sure won't be entertaining:)

I don't know where to start or how to put it, but at the core, this will be a post of apology.

Dear friends, i left you without a word some 4-5 months ago. I was here all the while, but i was silent. I read your messages, your comments and voice of concern but i have done little to acknowledge or respond. Indeed there have been so many inquiries that i just hope i can address at least some of them here. I am truly sorry.

I am certain no amount of reason can justify my disappearance, unless i've truly vanished from existence, which im glad i didn't. I just found myself unable or unwilling to speak, to reach out or to do anything, for that matter.

For a while now I've been having some personal struggles. This year has endowed me a fair share of bad luck, loss of friend and family member, financial difficulty, trouble with my girlfriend, health issues. I can go on about the details of those struggles, after all, i feel that i really owe you guys a valid explanation for my absence. But as I look back, i cannot really blame those circumstances for my negligence here. A lot of people go through more difficult troubles and yet they manage to keep it together. As for me, it seems that the real problem is within.

To sum up what happened, it was all due to my inability to take responsibility and face my problems. I let myself be overwhelmed and gave up too easily. I have isolated myself from everything. I first let a few days slip by without a word, then days turned into weeks and weeks to months. I hid in the comfort of my own home, shut myself from the world, it was comforting at first. I worked day in and out without enthusiasm, or sleep, and eventually my own job took the brunt of my unaddressed emotional issues.

Before long the first messages came, asking how im doing. Then i found myself too ashamed to reply. What have i done all this time? how can i explain it? Should i let them know how i am such a mess? It created a snowball effect of more loneliness, isolation and despair. I guess i've had bouts of it before, we all have, but this one was intense and something i've not seen coming. Not only was i burdened with the emotional weight of my misfortunes, i've created more misfortunes and mishandled everything. Sometimes i wonder how im still here and sober, i guess i am not that far off yet, I hope.

Does anyone here experience something similar? I am scared. My life was just a series of small fires here and there, everyone has fires to extinguish, big or small, but now i've become my own arsonist!

So there it is, the true reason. I have no excuse, and i'm here to try to make things right. Might sound corny, and i've said something similar to my girlfriend. But you guys truly matter to me, even though we are almost anonymous here, you've been some of the most supportive, non judgmental, understanding, loving and faithful people i've met. I owe you guys a lot, for the patience, continued support and the efforts to reach me out.

Now i cannot just end my self rant here without some resolve. On a positive note I am back. Might not be very exciting nor convincing to some, especially that i've been going in and out of here before, though not quite as long as this time. So what now? Did i just Shia labeouf my way here?

The answer is yes, and no. Two months ago i met an old friend after some 10 years. She was my teacher back in highschool and have been an influencial one. And though our time of fellowship was short, her words of wisdom stuck with me. And this time around, when we met, she came with another piece of wisdom that i didn't know i needed so badly.

Basically she told me to Just do it. But that would be an understatement. Maybe for the times i am lazy, yes i need to bust my butt and get to work. But more importantly, She told me that i have to choose to face uncertainty if it means a chance to restore what was once dear to me. This hit me hard. Because when i couldn't deal with the hardships that came my way, I did the wrong thing and distanced myself from my friends, my family, my health, my job, you guys. Since it's teacher's day yesterday, i thought i'd honor her by applying her advise and facing my uncertainties here, too. Afterall, this community is part of me.

Anyway, guys i owe you a lot. Please know that i am far from "fixed". As with the title of this post, and with the unfinished state of this painting, i too am still trying to get back. But at least now i took a step, i hope that this counts too. So far i've made a bit of progress with areas such as my health, i've been getting my sleep back. With work, i guess it helps that i don't come late anymore. anyway, the list goes on and i have so much to do. I don't think im depressed, at least not yet. But if i don't take the right steps now, i might well be on my way.

Forgive me if this post has turned into incoherent emo babbling, and im truly thankful for you sticking by and reading through. I am open to hearing your concerns and feed backs, if you have some harsh words i would appreciate if you send it in a message.

I hope this gives you a picture of the scale of what i am going through. You guys put faith in me when i couldn't have it for myself.

I don't really have much. Besides a couple of non amputee art studies (Yes i managed to pursue and resume my art studies in the past two months, and i hope it is a bit visible here in this piece, at least a bit of progress) I have commission back logs that i am prioritizing now. I know most of you guys tell me to be easy on myself, but i've been too dangerously easy too long, it's time to get back, especially on my obligations. Thank you for your sustained enthusiasm in amputee art works, my own and beyond. I hope it stays that way for a long time ^_^ words just fail to express my gratitude for all your support. I cannot make very definite commitments such as when i can post a finished work, but i will try to not be a perfectionist. As you know i want to always make my works crisp and clean but it seems that it holds me back from making more that way.

Ok i've covered a lot and yet i've not covered enough, i feel. But thank you for bearing with me. I look forward to hearing you guys. For now i shall hit the hay because i just came from work and am tired. See you guys soon, have a great day