A couple of drawings + Personal update

Hello! ^^ I'm gonna vent a lot at the end of this post, so I'll let you know when you can stop reading if you don't want to read sad things x)

But first, a drawing I made!

I wanted to do so many things for the AniMole, the convention I'll be in next weekend, but I could only finish this. They'll be at my table as full-size cutouts ^^ Thanks to one of my closest friends who helped me pay for them (She'll keep them after the convention! 😊)

I also made a this to decorate my booth:

(Pose reference by min_ble)

I wanted to get a new banner(?) to put over the tablecloth, but I couldn't.

I also wanted to make a special spinning standee, and I sketched the ideas for it, but in the end, I couldn't finish it. :(

And for those of you who ordered merch, I had problems with customs at some point and that caused delay :( Most orders have been delivered (and I want to thank you for your patience!) and a couple more are on their way. I still need to ship a few of them, and I hope to do it in the next 2 weeks. I've finally received the merch to ship it, but between depression and getting things ready for the AniMole, I haven't had the chance to go to the post office 🥲


And that's it, pretty much 😅

And now the sad part. You can stop reading here if you want. Be advised that I'll talk about my depression, and I fear my emotions can be too heavy, so you don't have to read if you don't feel like it.

TW: Depression

sigh I know it's always the same, and that's the worst part. I'm always struggling with depression, and people get used to it, and I can't blame them. I'm always disappointing everyone, and people in my life have actually stopped trying to do anything, because nothing seems to help. I'm tired of asking for help and getting looks of "there you go again..." or being dismissed altogether. I'm tired of being a burden, so I isolate myself. I want to share so many things, and yet I feel I have only sad things to say. Sometimes I open myself a bit, but later I regret it when I think it ruined stuff between me and my friends, and I start wanting my secrets back. I don't want to cry too much about it here. I just want to apologize. I know it's not my fault to be depressed all the time, but still I feel so guilty I can't do more at the moment -n-

I've been on antidepressants for over 2 months now, but nothing has improved. Not my mood, not my energy. If anything, I feel even more tired. I'll try to get an appointment with my psychiatrist next week and see if we can change medications, because it should be working by now, but... nothing. Also, I recently changed therapists because I felt completely stuck with the past one.

I've been depressed for more than half of my life, at least, around 18 to 20 years, and at this point, I'm starting to think that's how it's gonna be until I leave. I feel like I'm crumbling. I'm having su 1 ci d4l ideation again (passive, fortunately, I don't have any intentions of hurting myself, but... I don't want to keep living this way.)

I feel that by taking so long to post anything, I've lost a lot of the small momentum I once had. I want to do so many things, and yet I can't. I can't focus on anything, my mind is always somewhere else, trying to escape from the present. I daydream over and over again about the same just to keep myself from crying.

Will anything I do be relevant to someone again? Will I slowly fade into oblivion? I fear the "peak" of my career as an artist is behind me at this point, that even if I start posting regularly and continue with my projects, I won't reach more people, or that people will get bored.

This is the only thing that I felt I could achieve in my life, the one "job" that didn't make me miserable and I actually enjoyed, and I suck at it.

And that's it. I'm sorry u.u