Art summary 2019 (Happy New years!)

Here is my art summary! But I guess it's in reverse order, maybe? Who knows! I don't. 

Happy New Years! It's new decade, I have nothing big to end the decade or anything big for next one, but who cares really. Have fun guys :P

Anyways, here starts this little essay of this year. I want to ramble about things and get my thoughts out. So honestly if you don't care about my personal business, feel free to skip, there is TL;DR at the end. It's rather mindless ranting you see.

I'm having hard time distinguishing when I have drawn each picture, so these art summaries are kinda nice way for me to keep track. I'm sure that is pretty common when you draw monthly, but it still bothers me. Just a nagging feeling that I'm slowly disconnecting from my art. This month was the first time in a long time I didn't upload anything in my regular schedule. I can't even remember when I started to upload regularly on Sundays. Anyways that wasn't the point, the point is that I have gotten a lot of time to think. I will be honest here; At some point during this year I recognized that this drawing "hobby" had turned from a stress relief, a way to express myself into a mindless matter I do because I always do it. When I think back I think it has been like that for a while now, I just realized it recently. I'm not saying I don't enjoy drawing or it's unbearable, I just feel disconnected from it. Like I'm not drawing for myself anymore, which is true, I want to draw things others will enjoy too, but at some point I forgot that I should draw things I enjoy too. That sounds so dramatic, since I very much still doodle and draw shit I love, it's just that I usually find myself asking "Is it worth to post it?" and then deleting it. And yeah not a good attitude to have. In the beginning of this year, I was studying for my finals, which meant that I was staring at a wall pretending that the math work will do itself, during that I figured out why I was feeling miserable about drawing, it was simply because I was too focused on what happens after the drawing is finished. After that I started to try and get myself out of that mindset, I've always been keen on watching numbers go up and stats, so it was really hard to try and ignore all that. Especially since that was part of the excitement for me, that was the part I could tell my family about. My family didn't get my drawings, I mean none of them is really interested in the things I am, I don't mind because not everyone can be into pastel ponies or cartoons. During the "high" of my teenage years, I desperately tried to find a way to connect to them and justify myself shutting myself into my room, so I started to tell them the these magical numbers. This in the hindsight has made me just distant myself from my family even more, along with couple of other reasons. It feels that I just locked myself into the ever lasting cycle of being even more miserable about my drawings when all my parents would ask me about my pictures was "How much have you earned?", "How famous are you?" or "Have you found any work with that art?". I know it was my fault, I didn't bother trying to explain the "deep" symbolism I had made into my art, I didn't bother try and explain them what the pictures was about, but it fucking sucked everything out of me without me even realizing it. Constantly having to basically justify me spending my free time drawing or playing or generally being in my room, was damaging my already minuscule relationship with them and driving me to distant myself even further. It came to the point where I was at the same time trying to impress my parents, rebel against them, make them compliment me, but wanted to puke when ever they said nice things about me. Now, I realize I could have easily done many things to fix this, but at the times I didn't see any other way except to shut myself into my room. I could go on and on about that, but that isn't the main point. Honestly this whole text isn't the main point. Honestly its starting to feel like pity party, but who cares, I want to talk about my problems openly, I want to finally say it, I want to finally not to delete the whole goddamn paragraph. The main point here is that, I think I found out not just one, but many reasons why I feel miserable. Not just have I been unconsciously building my own self-worth in a flimsy manner, but I have been effectively avoiding the things I truly like. I mean yeah, I like drawing ponies, anime and other shit. But even more I like drawing gore, artsy fuck and my silly ass OCs who I have made whole universes for. Saying this will be easy lol, but actually getting through my problems is gonna take time. Luckily I have cool friends and awesome boyfriend who I can trust, and who don't mind me being the weird goblin I am, especially when I'm like super fucking jealous haha! You guys know who you are lol. So, is something going to happen? I dunno, we will see it when I get to drawing again :P Maybe I will stop the regular Sunday post (probably not, it's such a habit to me). We will see :D

Btw, for reals, I have been avoiding drawing those grotesque pony pictures because one of those pictures ended up in this site I will keep vague (lol), and someone was truly hurt by it saying things along the lines of "I hate when people draw characters suffering, I get panic attacks from it". And while I do think the picture could have used warning on the site and I did feel terrible for that person, I still am proud of that picture and happy that it was put on that site. Something about what that person said seriously like flipped this switch in me, especially since I later realized I have friends who feel the same way about pictures where their favorite character is sad/suffering and alike. But I, in the end, am a sucker for good tragic story, I'm not going to stop drawing them. I just gotta make sure there are warning and mature content tags etc. :P

Anyways I think that can be the end of my tiny essay. TL;DR I realized I have been slowly going into wrong direction with my drawings, aka drawing what I delusionally think people want, and neglecting what I want. Gonna try and focus on that. I want to let go of that "I have to prove myself"-feeling. I want to be myself. That will take time, but maybe someday I will find answer to all my problems that have been piling up from my childhood/teenage. I'm gonna try and start slow. Ugh I'm happy I got these thought out finally. 

Happy New Years once again for those who read through this. Thank you. 

Also 5 years on dA. Whoooooaaah :D It doesn't feel like that long, but also feels like I have been here for ever.

I could link all the pictures here... But... They are all in my gallery sooooooooooo...... I will argue there is a link to them already. Bam! Devilish plan completed!

You are still reading? Wow. So you hyped for next chapter of Where's my Wonderland? I am! I still haven't gotten around to fix some mistakes tho lolol.