Update: November Brain Debrief

Hello everyone.

It's been some time since the last update. I was going to make this earlier but for some reason, the last week turned into a bit of a write-off, so let's get caught up with what's been going on with a bumper update.

After the last post my mental health has been up and down, but more towards a stable median than before, generally speaking. I'm possibly still adjusting to the medication and trying to find a flow with it, but overall we're at a net positive. One side effect has been a hit to my sleep quality, concentration, and a sense of derealisation at times, which has been very disruptive, leading to time and even place escaping me in ways I do not like, but I am working on some healthy habits in my life, with myself and with help, to counteract this.

It's all a process, and I hope to continue along this road. Things were probably worse than I thought originally, but it's hard to see how big a hole is when you're inside it.

A fair bit of my time has also been spent on moving. I'm moving house soon. This is something I've been working towards all year, technically even longer than that, and finally it looks like I'm getting somewhere. This will be a big plus for me as I'll have my own place, all to myself, and be able to work a bit more freely. But this has been eating into my time just applying for this new place and I haven't even got a move-in date yet.

So that's where I am personally, let's speak work.

As I said I would in the last update, I have been hunting for a smaller project to handle that will let me make something more manageable than the big huge projects that I'm struggling to get a full grasp on. I've played some smaller titles, like smaller horror games on Steam, some bigger ones, like Astro Bot, but nothing has been able to stick so far. I've had ideas, but trying to get them written and recorded still has me running into hurdles of doubt and loathing.

For example, Astro Bot is a pretty sublime and joyous platformer that I've still yet to finish because I think it's starting to depress me. I see all these icons of games I grew up with, all lovingly detailed by people who clearly also cherished them as much as I do, and then I realise how hard it is to actually play some of these games. I'm running around in an Ico costume right now, and the official way to play Ico, without digging up a PS2/3 and playing it there is to stream it from Sony's expensive cloud service, that also delivers a worse feeling experience because that's cloud technology for you. So, that project has had me split under two different mindsets. Either I ignore the pressing thoughts, or I play into it but I end up making another a pretty downer video about a thing that should make me happy. I did that with Tony Hawk and I already feel that video needed something more to it, especially as the year has continued the unhappy trends in that video.

It is a 'me' problem. I can recognise the spiral in the thought process above. However my rational brain can scream all it wants that what's here is probably fine and my own perspective is being skewed by my own mental state, but the energy has already left me. I don't win the fight.

There are still some titles I have ready to play that might end up being that small game wonder I want (Slitterhead, Mouthwashing, Proximate, and more), but I have also been considering a change of tactic.

Rather than seeking the game and the words, would it not be simpler to take a game I already know I have a lot to say on and going to that? Something that I could enjoy working on and sharing? The kind of game that if you asked me about when down at the bar I'd wave my hands and say "oh man, don't get me started on that!"

So I looked deep within myself, and asked what game would I most want to talk about.

The result was frightening.

Disco Elysium.

This is not a small game. This is not an easy project to take on. But I'd be lying if I hadn't thought about doing this for a long time. I've had a mental plan for a very long time, mapped through long and lonely showers, and so I began a replay, to see where I'm at with this.

It is one of my favourite games ever, and for now, I'm exploring the possibility, and enjoying my time with it. This would be a large undertaking, thought I'm not entirely sure how large. Would one replay be appropriate for now? It's my third time through, but I only have this recorded right now. I have also been meaning to try Hardcore Mode for ages.

I'm still feeling things out right now. We will see where we go.

But there has been an unexpected second entry who appeared, but for opposite reasons.

I don't know how connected you guys are to the Life is Strange community but the new game, Double Exposure, has not had a terribly warm reception.

Most of what people had been objecting to related to a certain relationship in the game and I think that, and the overwhelming reaction to it, has overshadowed the conversation with it somewhat. Which is a shame, because I've played through the game now, and watched a friend play through it too, and we both agreed there is so much more wrong with this game than just shipping. 

The characters, the plot, Max herself. There's a complex stew of problems here that I'm shocked to see in a Life is Strange title. I've played all of them so far and this one is so far removed from what I expected I'm surprised it's by Deck 9, who handled Before the Storm and True Colors with such grace in comparison.

I am writing a script currently to get into what exactly has happened here (a review script, not an abridged parody), because this game is such a mess I have actually been left with my mouth hanging open at some of its decisions. I didn't even have huge expectations for this, I just wanted the cozy Life is Strange murder mystery experience, and then...

So this is option 2 I'm exploring. It would be smaller than Disco Elysium (I mean, I've already finished a playthrough of this, whereas I'm 30 hours into replaying Disco and not done yet) but the script is ballooning to be bigger than most videos because there is just so much I find completely baffling about this game. Something, or many somethings, went wrong whilst making this game, and you can feel it.

I am also continuing to figure out the Amazon video. Small steps have been made, but I want to get this one right since the scope has increased so much.

So I have things on my plate, I'm trying to get something sorted, but it's still a bit of an uphill battle. Apologies to those who were hoping for something soon. If this inactivity continues I will look into pausing the Patreon until I feel more confident I can make videos.

I'll update again at the end of November or early December to tell you guys how I'm doing with all this. Thank you all once again for your support and kind comments on the last post. It's gotten pretty crazy out there, but we will go on.

Stay safe,

- Jack