Update: There's no Tow Truck for the Brain
Added 2024-10-06 12:20:08 +0000 UTCHi, this isn't a happy update I'm afraid.
The last month has not been nearly as productive as I'd hoped. I've written and recorded and filmed but every step of the way I've been fighting my own mind, doubting every little aspect of what I'm doing and saying. I am losing confidence in everything I try to do, and it's been dragging me down, sometimes to states of inactivity.
It's affected my life outside of work too. I am not enjoying myself as I was. Not playing games, watching TV. I have fun with friends and then return to the hollow feeling once I go back home.
I've mentioned my mental health being a struggle here on Patreon before. I've also brought it up directly and indirectly on my YouTube channel over the years, as it's something I've had to contend with a lot in my life. Where I'm at right now is a low point. Not completely unprecedented, but low all the same.
I tell you this because I want to be honest with those that support me. I am thankful to you all, and think you deserve to know if I'm not able to work as I have done.
So what now?
I am taking this seriously. I've gotten a prescription to help me (for regular NHS prescribed drugs, ones that will not make me sick as I take them like the ones this summer) and I'm engaging in therapy more regularly. Getting this started has been shockingly slow due to circumstances outside of my control, but it's underway now.
Next is work. While "getting better" is going to be a priority, I still want to be making videos.
The Amazon video is a big project. I have 80% of it written and recorded, and wanted to get that made before working out the last 20%. The final section is a struggle. It's hard to know when I'm done because I keep seeing new parts to this project, new things to consider, and I never feel I'm seeing the full picture. At some point I have to call it and draw a line underneath everything, but I also need a way to do that without feeling like I'm ending the video on a note of "this is bad, it's going to get worse, and will probably never get better".
So, as you can guess, it's probably not a great project for my current mental state. It's more ambitious than my other videos and very different to normal, so there's also that adding onto my nerves.
I am moving it to the backburner and will be working on it slowly for now until I feel totally able to get stuck into it. I still want to make it. After all, someone needs to complain about these awful print-to-order books. I have actually received two more, by coincidence, which will end up informing the video further.
This month there will be a demo fest video, as normal. I have two candidates lined up already, both from different people with the same last name. Very excited to get to them, and see what else is there. It feels these demo fests are getting bigger and bigger and more people are taking part, which is genuinely exciting stuff.
This isn't for a week or two yet though. In the meantime, I want to find something else to cover that won't be too stressful, and that I can get passionate about covering, for one reason or another. All my current ideas that I want to get to might be too big to cover (especially the Project Rogue previously mentioned). I have no set candidate right now, but I will be looking.
We'll start from here, and take things as they come. I will keep you informed as I work.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you to you all for your support. Every word and act of support humbles me, and I feel thankful to be where I currently am in my life with thanks to you all. I hope to recognise that better within myself sometime soon.
Stay safe,
- Jack
P.S. - I also have a BlueSky account now, just in case Twitter becomes too rotten to hang around anymore. Check it out if that's your jam - jackwnicholls.bsky.social
Comments
All the best with your mental health, mate. Genuinely. I've struggled immensely with it for a long time, but specifically within the last 3 years, of barely being able to release a single song (with covid ironically not contributing much) and only just feel like I'm starting to come back around to something that vaguely resembles a shadow of my former self. Recovery and betterment really does take time, and you WILL get there. Things will improve. The fact you've continued to put out content amidst it all is nothing short of inspiring to me, it really is. Your content itself has very much been a source of entertainment and comfort for me since discovering you in 2022 (that iron lung review still slaps btw), and, again, a huge pillar of inspiration for me, not to mention a fountainhead of awesome games I never would have played otherwise! And, in my humblest, you really do make some of the best review content out there, and I mean that. You've got this, man. We all believe in you, and love what you do. Take care!
Moki
2024-10-07 10:33:54 +0000 UTCFrom the bottom of my heart I wish for your mental health. One can only assume other's pain but I still understand your struggles, even for a little bit. I used to feel like being in a deep well that I cannot climb out too, and sometimes I still do. but what I found out is that eventually, things can get better and it usually does. You probably know this too, since you're mose likely wiser than me. So I'll just say that I support you, like everyone else who follows you. Take as much as time and caution to heal your wound. Don't get too stressed even if your work doesn't seem good enough on your standard. Do what your body and mind need. But mostly, please, please stop trying to get better. Please promise us that you will never give up on yourself. That's the only thing I can wish for.
하디 김
2024-10-06 19:11:42 +0000 UTCI hope these last few months of 2024 treat you better than the rest have. I had a real nasty mental health year last year, and 2024 ended up being a year of recovery and building a former foundation and support structure - I hopethe next few months and 2025 can see some light shine into the darkness for you. As others have said lighter and smaller projects sound like a good thing to try to get those 'job done' neurons firing.
jmh, Witch bird
2024-10-06 14:50:32 +0000 UTCI sympothise a lot with what you're going through, as someone with a partner, a dog and a place for us to live. I'm the only bread maker, and with for the last two months I have been struggling to do any sort of work. Long story short it's turning around now but those hopeless feelings, and slow depletion of your savings destroys any positive attitude you're trying to accumulate. I'm happy you're sorting it out man, will always love your videos and hope you feel proud of how far you've come at the end of this journey
fin
2024-10-06 14:46:41 +0000 UTCI’m sorry that you’re feeling poorly, and glad that you’re giving yourself grace and rest. Hopefully, something small and joyful and exciting like the demo fest can bring you some light. I think you’re right on about the tack to take— smaller projects are a good way to rebuild confidence and momentum, and something lighter can’t hurt. There’s always the option of a Boris fancam. In all seriousness: thanks for all you do. You’ve built a wonderful community of curious and enthusiastic people, largely through the compassionate, funny, and thoughtful approach you take to your work, and we’re glad to support you. I hope things get easier for you, and wish you pleasant days ahead.
Air Stratus
2024-10-06 12:44:00 +0000 UTCDude, I hope things get better for you. Mental health can be a bitch, and doubting yourself and feeling low sucks - all I can say is that the quality of your content has been extremely high, even if you don't feel like it was. Your doom video was what brought me to your channel, and I've enjoyed every subsequent video ever since. The Signalis video I literally watched 3 times back to back because well, it's a great video but also you do have a talent for talking about video games. Best of luck to you, and don't push yourself too hard to make more content - it's ready when it's ready.
Wojciech Musiałkiewicz
2024-10-06 12:26:24 +0000 UTC
