Adept of Chaos Ch. 30

Last chapter before the book releases on Friday! I hope you enjoy!

***

Chapter 30

Evelyn stepped into the observatory and stopped, her eyebrows rising at the sight of Ilyra. She was mostly surprised because the woman was present at all.

It’d become something of a routine for Evelyn to come to the observatory before retiring for the evening, though how long she stayed varied. Occasionally the others would come join her, but for the most part they’d left her alone there, as they seemed to realize it was a place of privacy. That was why she was so startled… especially since Ilyra was wearing a diaphanous white and gold gown that wouldn’t have been out of place in a palace. It certainly suited the interior of the ship, but it was surprising to her, since Ilyra hadn’t dressed up that way in the time she’d known her.

“Is it a special occasion, Lyra?” Evelyn asked, stepping fully into the room so the doors could shut behind her.

“Possibly? I’m not entirely sure,” Ilyra replied, turning away from the dome above them, which showed the shining dots in the distance that were starships, the larger bulk of the space station, and some of the globe below the ship. The Djinn’s Gift had rolled so that they could see a large portion of the planet, which was currently enveloped by night. The lights of the cities were evident to Evelyn, but large sections of Skaloth were still dark.

“Oh?” Evelyn asked, arching an eyebrow as she casually walked over to a couch and sat down, relaxing into the seat slowly.

While it wasn’t as nice as being alone, she found herself slowly relaxing with the vast expanse of stars above her. She loved the way the stars shone down on her amongst the darkness of deep space. On the other hand, she also loved the immensity of astral, so it wasn’t like she preferred one over the other.

“I’ve just been thinking, which Fya says is dangerous. She says that I’m prone to overthinking things, and that I should use my instincts more,” the celestine replied, turning her head to smile at Evelyn nervously. “She might have a point, since thinking too much is usually what gets me hit in the arena.”

“Fya’s also impulsive and has a very different mind than mortals,” Evelyn countered, frowning slightly. “Is she right that you overthink things? Yes. Is she exaggerating things? Almost certainly.”

“What do you mean, about her mind?” Ilyra asked, blinking.

Evelyn paused, thinking for a moment, then leaned forward, asking. “How clear is the day that you were freed in your memory? Or the day you left Brightdawn?”

“Pretty clear? I mean, they were both important to me,” Ilyra said, looking at Evelyn in confusion.

“That’s what I thought. That isn’t the case for djinni, though. For Fya, the day that I freed her from the lamp is as crystal clear as the last ten seconds were for you. She experiences those emotions and memories almost as if no time had passed at all,” Evelyn explained, trying to get across a concept which she didn’t fully understand herself. “Her entire life is like that for her. Yet despite the… immediacy of her prior experiences, they don’t grow dull for her. She approaches everything as if it’s a new experience, no matter how many times she’s encountered it. It causes her to be impulsive, yet she has the experience to react appropriately. It doesn’t help that she’s almost impossible to kill. So, take her advice, but assume that it’s far more extreme than anything you’d want to do.”

“I… are you saying all djinni are like that?” Ilyra asked incredulously. When Evelyn nodded, her eyes widened. “How can they live like that? It seems like it’d be absolute chaos!”

“That’s because it is chaos, much of the time. It’s the reason they’re considered so capricious, because they enjoy those ‘new’ experiences so much, and virtually nothing has any true consequences for them. It’s also why Fya hates Vania so fiercely, because she remembers my death as if no time had passed since then,” Evelyn said, smiling slightly as she shook her head. “Yes, she might get over it eventually, but it won’t be easy. Most likely it will only occur if she decides that Vania has been punished sufficiently, as the satisfaction will offset her rage.”

“Oh,” Ilyra said quietly.

She didn’t say anything else, and Evelyn considered, then sat back in her seat, watching the stars, and how shuttles drifted across the sky in front of her. In the distance was a flicker of vivid colors as a ship emerged from the astral, and Evelyn tracked it for a few seconds before letting her gaze flit to another location.

“I’m afraid of rejection,” Ilyra said, her voice so quiet Evelyn almost didn’t hear her, prompting her gaze to snap back to the celestine, who was leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, hands clasped together tightly.

Evelyn opened her mouth, then shut it, leaning forward as well, watching the young woman closely. She needed to let Ilyra get this out at her own pace, not to pressure her… at least, that was what she hoped.

“I… still fear that my memories might have been implanted. I haven’t been wearing clothing that would fit my upbringing, so I put this on to see if it fit… and I feel strange. Like it doesn’t suit me,” Ilyra said, looking up at Evelyn, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “I think that if it was just… just that I wouldn’t be worried. But it’s everything else, too. I’m trying my best, and I think I’m doing well, but I don’t know what to do. I feel like a coward, too.”

“A coward wouldn’t have volunteered to board the senne station with me, Lyra. A coward wouldn’t have even set foot in the arena, not when I didn’t require it of you,” Evelyn broke in, her voice soft. “For that matter, a coward wouldn’t be willing to talk to me like this. I’ve seen cowards, and you’re not one.”

“I feel like one, though. I keep dithering, delaying, and refusing to talk to people. I…” Ilyra paused, taking a deep breath… then let her words come out in a rush. “I want to join your harem. I want to join you in bed, and feel like I’m loved, that I’m safe, and that even if all my memories are lies, that someone will accept me anyway.”

Evelyn felt a headache coming on, as she realized what was going on. A part of her wanted to just give Ilyra what she wanted, but at the same time she refrained, realizing that if she did so, it would be… problematic. Ilyra would come to rely on her too fully, and she might never be able to gain her own independence.

“Lyra… I can’t let you do that,” Evelyn said quietly. Ilyra’s head jerked upward, her eyes widening, but Evelyn continued before she could speak. “You’re afraid, hurt, and want comfort. But if I bedded you right now, you’d lose sight of anything else and would stop there. I can’t do that to you, not when you have so much potential. I don’t dislike you, I don’t hate you, and if it were for almost any other reason, I wouldn’t tell you no. But here, today, I can’t let you do that.”

Evelyn paused, looking at Ilyra closely. The young woman’s eyes were glittering, and a couple of tears began to trickle down her cheeks.

“That does not mean I wouldn’t be willing in the future, Lyra. Ilyra. What I want is for you to find yourself. It doesn’t matter who you were, or who you weren’t, for that matter. All that matters to me is who you are now,” Evelyn continued, smiling at her. “Beyond that, even if I cannot be what you want right now, I can be something else for you. I can be your friend and give you a hug and comfort if you want it.”

Ilyra didn’t respond in words. She just sat there for a moment, then lunged across the room, almost tripping over her skirts as she buried her face in Evelyn’s neck, sobbing hard. Evelyn wrapped her arms around the celestine and began to rock her gently, shaking her head internally, even as her heart softened.

“One more thing, though… you look absolutely gorgeous in that gown,” Evelyn said softly.

Her words just caused Ilyra to cry harder.