Make a Wish!

Angelo stared at his store-bought cake as the birthday candle wax started to melt onto the icing. He should've been blowing out the candles before they burnt down completely, but the new tricenarian was lost in thought.

It was Angelo's thirtieth birthday and here he was all alone. He had tried to rally some of his work colleagues from his banking job to celebrate with a few drinks at the local bar, but they all insisted that they had to pick their kids up from daycare or meet up with their spouses. Having no real friends to invite, Angelo resorted to grabbing a six pack of beer and a $10 cake from the Stop & Shop on his way home. Solitary and inebriated from his fourth beer, Angelo sat depressed.

He reflected on his birthdays of years past. He remembered playing laser tag with all of his school friends when he turned ten. He remembered watching the Knicks play at Madison Square Garden for his sixteenth birthday. And he (barely) remembered being cheered on by half the campus while doing tequila shots in his campus apartment. That night ended with the best birthday sex he had ever - and probably would ever - have.

Now, everyone had moved on and settled down with wives and kids, Angelo thought. Life had slowed down and these moments became less exciting. Would it only be worse from this birthday on? Angelo longed for the birthdays of his youth, making lifelong memories with people he cared about.

Finally making a move, Angelo took a swig of beer before he made his birthday wish. "I wish things would go back to the way they were when I was younger," he wished. He closed his eyes and blew out his two candles, a 3 and a 0.

"Yay!!" someone cheered while clapping their hands. Angelo's eyes shot open. He had been alone just a second ago. Shockingly, his own mom stood in front of him applauding his "accomplishment." She wrapped his arms around him and gave a audible smooch to his cheek. "Happy birthday, sweetie!"

"Mom, what are you d-" Angelo began to ask before looking around.

Everything was completely different. He wasn't alone anymore. His mom was there, but so was the rest of his family. His dad, his grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins. They were all there! His cake was still there in front of him but it had moved. Instead of being on his kitchen counter, it was placed on a little tray that was attached to the seat he was sitting in, enclosing him in the chair.

Angelo shifted, attempting to make room for himself when he heard a loud crinkle. He looked down and realized that he was suddenly shirtless; all of his clothes were gone for that matter. There was only one thing clothing him at all - the culprit of the crinkling noise. It was a puffy, oversized diaper.

Angelo's dad recorded every moment through an old-school stand-def camcorder. "Alright Angelo, no fussing," his dad instructed. "Tell the camera how old you're turning."

Angelo was frozen in such shock that the simple question left him speechless. After a few seconds, he murmured the only logical answer but one that he no longer had much confidence in. "Th- thirty?"

"Awww, that's so close, baby!" Angelo's mom shouted excitedly, as if she was proud he wasn't even more wrong. "You're turning three today! Can you say three?"

Angelo looked at the cake for affirmation. It was true. Missing was the 0 candle that Angelo had bought just about an hour ago. Only a 3 stood on the cake, bellowing smoke from his transformative wish.

His wish had come true. His birthday was now like it was when it was younger, but it wasn't one of those birthdays he had remembered so fondly. In fact, it wasn't a birthday that he had remembered at all. This was his third birthday party.

"Mom! Mom! This is all wrong," Angelo shouted, flailing in his highchair.

Angelo's mom feigned offense as the other adults in the room chuckled at the outburst. "Three years old and he's already too old for his Mommy," she said, addressing everyone else in the room moreso than she was Angelo. Angelo cringed at the word Mommy as it pushed past her lips.

"No, you don't understand!" Angelo cried. "I need another wish!"

"Now, don't be greedy," his grandma shared with him as though it were sage elder wisdom. "Birthday boys only get one wish per year, you know."

"But, we still have presents to open," Angelo's dad interjected from behind his camcorder, likely to keep the birthday boy from crying following Nonna's lecture. "Why don't you dig in to some cake first, sport?"

Angelo looked around in desperation for any help. It was no use. Every single family member attending saw him as a toddler. They wouldn't listen to what he was actually saying. They would just coo at him as he babbled nonsense to them.

Angelo stared at his cake lost in thought, but much different thoughts than he was having earlier. He suspected they wanted him to eat it now. But no one had cut the cake or given him a fork and knife. He looked around at the room of prying eyes as the realization hit him. Of course they wouldn't give him a knife... babies ate with their hands.

"Um, I'm not hungry actually," Angelo declined. This was predictably met with another round of laughter from the "adults."

"Come on now," Angelo's mom pressed, completely ignoring what he had said. "Take a bite." Angelo watched as his dad zoomed in with the camcorder to capture the messy moment.

Angelo sighed and looked at the cake. He was trapped and no one would listen to him. He could flat out refuse, but what good would that do? The adults would just call him "cranky" and his Nonna might even chide him for being spoiled. Then what? Would he be put down in a crib for a nap? Timeout in the corner? Spanked on the butt with his Nonna's special stirring spoon? Angelo couldn't remember how bad behavior was addressed when he was growing up, so the possibilities were endless.

As he went to grab a bite, it was the first time he noticed that his bottle of beer had been replaced with a sippy cup full of juice. He took a moment to place that next to the cake on his highchair tray. He hesitantly sunk his fingers into the cake, shivering as they dug into the cold icing. He gripped the cake and pulled out a chunk of moist goodness. Immediately regretting his hubris at pulling out such a sizable piece, Angelo attempted to stuff as much of it as he could into his mouth. Crumbs rained down onto his exposed stomach and frosting lined his mouth from cheek to cheek. As he chewed the admittedly delicious cake, he was awarded with cheering from his entire family.

His mom grabbed a wet wipe and started scrubbing his face. Angelo tossed and turned his head as she did, much like a real toddler would, but his mom eventually got his face spotless as Nonna placed wrapped birthday gifts on his highchair tray.

"This one's from me," Nonna said, placing one of the gifts directly in Angelo's hands.

Once again left with little choice, Angelo tore the wrapping paper with probably more delicacy than one would expect from a three-year-old. The wrapping paper fell to the floor, revealing the cover of a book. It showed a puppet character in front of a chalkboard with different shapes on it. It was called "Learning Shapes with Meeno!"

"It teaches kids about shapes," Nonna said to the rest of the party, as if they couldn't figure that out themselves.

"What do we say?" Angelo's mom asked Angelo, barely leaving him any time to say it on his own.

"Thanks, Nonna," Angelo said.

"You're very welcome, dear," Nonna responded.

Angelo opened the rest of the gifts. They weren't the kind of presents he was used to getting as an adult. For his thirtieth, he would've expected socks, wallets, or a Chili's gift card. Instead, he was getting shortalls with dinosaurs all over, a toy construction kit with plastic hammers and screwdrivers, and a stuffed bear nearly the size of him that he could cuddle in his crib at bedtime.

"One last present," Angelo's mom announced. "This one's from Mommy and Daddy."

Angelo expected to be handed another box, but was surprised at his mom dragged it from around the corner. It was box about as tall as his highchair. "Mommy will open this one," his mom told him. "Since it's too big for you."

She tore the wrapping paper to the ground and moved so that Angelo could get a good look at it. The box showed a baby bouncer that was big enough for his adult body. It had a bunch of different colorful knobs and shapes along the edge that he could fidget with as he bounced up and down in place mindlessly.

Another round of cheers as Angelo looked on at the baby bouncer being lifted out of the box. "Wanna try it out?" Angelo's mom asked, lifting him with ease out of his highchair and onto her hip. Angelo didn't respond. He knew that he would not be heard. He accepted his new reality as his mom confined him to the humiliating, infantile bouncer where he would be expected to occupy himself all day.

Angelo did have to admit to himself though. Part of him had felt nice during this experience. The diaper was irritating, sure. Had the cooing been obnoxious? Yes. But at least people had shown up to celebrate. At least they had put care into getting him presents. Maybe one's third birthday stuck in a highchair is still better than one's thirtieth all alone, Angelo thought.

He continued to bargain with himself. If he woke up tomorrow stuck like this, he'd have to live through a year as a three-year old. Preschool, bathtimes, feedings, playpens. It wouldn't be a fun year and he would have to swallow a lot of his pride, but it wouldn't be impossible. Then when his fourth birthday came around, he could make another birthday wish and hopefully return everything to normal. He supposed it would beat suffering at the bank every day and -

His thoughts of silver linings were interrupted. He ceased bouncing in his new bouncer, which he hadn't even noticed he had begun doing senselessly. His diaper expanded, pushing down the seat of his bouncer even closer to the floor. He had forgotten the most humiliating aspect of being stuck in diapers - using them.

"Uh-oh," Angelo's dad teased, having recorded every embarrassing second for posterity on his camcorder. "Looks like that wasn't the last present after all."

"Oh, that's so cute," Nonna remarked. "You'll have to send me a copy of that tape so I can show all my friends."

"Keep bouncing honey," Angelo's mom instructed Angelo. "Mommy will change you after the party."

Angelo sat in his soiled diaper, disgusted by the mushy feeling that would expand throughout with each hop in his bouncer. Growing older was hard, Angelo reflected. But with each year, he had grown further and further away from being stripped down to his birthday suit by his Mommy to have his dirty diaper changed. And that was a perspective that he hadn't fully appreciated until now.

His fourth birthday couldn't come soon enough.