Non Serviam: Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Heard on High

“You know, boss…” Mittelt leaned against my arm. “I did intimate that you were a pansy, but this new fire of yours is…”

I held in a sigh.

The two of us sat on a slim bench topped with white faux marble. Asia was in the changing room, door closed. Letticia stood outside the hallway in the boutique, where she maintained a simple bit of hypnosis that convinced people that they didn’t need to see the clothes on themselves after all.

I hadn’t been worried about Mittelt’s threat to stick me in sexy bad girl clothes. This was Japan, and I was quickly growing past ‘tall for a woman’ into ‘are you sure you aren’t Scandinavian’ territory. At just over six feet and two inches (Mittelt had pulled out a tape measure at the mall of all things), I had been certain that no clothes in any of the stores would fit me.

Then Mittelt had steered us to a new two-story department store at the end of the mall, and I realized that Rias owned the city.

Rias had mentioned, last time at the mall, that she’d make sure they had things in my size in the future. And so, a clothing store that catered to body shapes of all sizes, which also served as another front for Devil money laundering, had been born. Low prices and high-paying jobs that stimulated the local economy meant that I couldn’t even call Rias and demand she shut the damned place down.

Unfortunate.

“You were right,” I told Mittelt.

She preened, but I refused to look at her, eyes fixed tightly on the clothes that Asia had picked out. She’d gravitated towards dress and blouse combos, Mary Janes, and penny loafers.

“I got complacent, accepted that Rias was probably who she claimed to be.” I shrugged my free shoulder. “Allowed myself to lose sight of the bigger picture.”

“Not that I’m one to discourage treason against the most high,” Mittelt replied. “But is here really the locale?”

“I’m not going to betray Rias,” I said. Mittelt blinked in surprise. “She has been genuine, every step of the way. I won’t repay that with betrayal.”

“Hoh?” Mittelt tilted her head.

“I’m going to be more proactive about dealing with my problems. Asia is the most obvious one.” I placed a hand against my coat pocket, where the Psalm of Beelzebub sat contentedly. “But I have other promises to keep as well.”

“To be free.”

I nodded. I wasn’t sure, but it felt like my strength had increased after ‘converting’ Mittelt and Asia. My pool of energy had expanded faster than was usual. It still fell to me to use my devil magic, but my style of fighting benefitted most from having more energy to spend. Every day I worked to master more and more tricks from my last life.

“Hmm.” Mittelt kicked her feet in the air. “Not good enough, really.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I thought you wanted me to figure myself out.”

“Is this really that?” She asked. “‘I’m gonna try harder, grrrr.’ I want imagination, lovely. Something that makes me go ‘aaaahhh!’”

“I resent that.”

“Oh true, this is better than before.” She waved a hand. “You’re less mopey, more solid. It’s a good start, but I need more.”

“More than letting you pick my wardrobe?” I did not look away from the pile of Asia’s clothes.

Mittelt hummed again. “Do you know why it bothers me so much, that the devils are all so boring?”

“I couldn’t begin to guess at your motives.”

“Well, you could begin,” Mittelt replied. “But here comes the littlest faithful, so do think about it.”

On cue, Asia opened the door to the changing room, stepping out one bashful foot after the other.

“Come now, child,” Mittelt said. “Let’s get a look at you.”

Asia came to a stop in front of us, fingers clasped behind her back, spinning back and forth at the shoulders. The plaid pinafore flared smartly around her knees. “…What do you think?”

I tilted my head. “That looks very nice on you.” It did. Most things looked nice on Asia, but this dress… “I believe this one’s a keeper, if you’re comfortable with it.”

Asia looked down. “I…want to be comfortable in it?”

“That’s a good reason,” I replied.

“Taylor’s turn!” Mittelt hopped to her feet, pulling me with her. I always forgot how much strength she had in that diminutive frame. “Think on what I told you, darling!”

She shoved a pile of clothes into my hand and shoved me into the changing room before I could even think about a reply.

I looked down at the pile of clothes in my hands, mostly leather and crop tops.

Unfortunate.

I took a deep breath and began to change.

Really, I didn’t understand what Mittelt wanted from me. I’d set my course, all that remained was the thing I did best: following through until the end. If she didn’t like that, she was free to run. Maybe that would do something to the little prayer book that always seemed to find its way into my coat pocket.

Maybe she couldn’t run, and I was just as bad as Rias.

Maybe that’s what I needed to figure out.

I got the worst out of the way first: tight, super-low rise leather pants will bell bottoms. The best I could say was that they went all the way down to my ankles. I discarded the pants and that thought. If I was somehow exerting control over Mittelt and Asia, then I would grow powerful enough, grow skilled enough, to see the hold around them and break it.

No, there was clearly something else I had to square. Knowing Mittelt, it probably had something to do with sex.

I picked up a tube top. Changed. Yes, clearly this was what I needed. The black fabric didn’t even match up to the depth of my hair. Away went the top. If Mittelt wanted me to have some revelation about sex, she could wait longer.

“Why am I even indulging this?”

“And that, lovely, is the question.”

I spun.

Mittelt sat perched at the top of the divider between changing booths.

“What are you doing?” I hissed. I refused to act embarrassed. “Where’s Asia?”

“Oh, you want her to see too?” Mittelt covered her mouth with her fingers. “How scanda—”

I grabbed her ankle and pulled her down to the floor. “This is not what I agreed to.”

“But how do you expect me to clothe my masterpiece if I cannot even see it?” Mittelt batted her eyes. “And also, you’re not even using the makeup masks! For shame!” She pulled a see-through mesh fabric square from a dispenser in the wall.

“What am I supposed to do with that?” The question slipped out in my confusion.

“You put it over your face, see?” Mittelt opened the bottom, it looked like something you’d use to strangle a person. “So you don’t get make up over the clothes, you gaijin.”

“How did, I’m not even—” I stopped. Shaking my head. “I refuse to engage with this.” I scooped up the nearest shirt and turned towards the door.

“Oh, don’t worry about the child faithful.” I could hear Mittelt rolling her eyes. “Letty is there, and I made sure she was protected and entertained.”

I placed a hand on the door handle.

“If you distract her, she’ll want to see your outfit,” Mittelt said.

I swore softly under my breath. With a flex of will, I deepened the magic holding in sound around the changing booth. I’d spun it out by instinct right before grabbing Mittelt, but it looked like we’d need privacy for a bit longer.

“I’m not stripping for you,” I said.

Mittelt shrugged. “Then you can defend Asia without my help. I’m sure you’ll do a good job of it.” She sat down on the bench in the changing room and crossed one leg over the other. “Won’t need me in the slightest.”

“You’re a member of Rias’s peerage,” I said.

Her eyes flashed. “Is that the string you want to pull?”

I turned away, staring at the wall.

“So my options are answer your question or give you a show?”

Mittelt smiled. “Preferably both.”

I took a lock of my hair, winding it slowly round a finger. “You want to know why I’m doing this.”

“Ding ding ding!” Mittelt clapped her hands. “Somebody get this girl her prize! Of course, that’s only the participation trophy.”

“I told you why I’m doing this.” I ignored the rest of her reply. “I want to protect Asia.”

“But why?” Mittelt spread her hands. “Freedom, I can understand. Freedom I can empathize with.”

“Strange you can empathize with anyone at all given—”

Mittelt continued over me. “But where does the littlest faithful come in? If anything, she runs directly counter to your goals. She ties you here. She ensures you stay. Unless…” She tilted her head. “You intend to add her to your peerage, once you become a devil.”

Mittelt rolled her wrist over, revealing a glimmering red glass pawn. “In which case, why not set her up right now? If you know Rias would never betray you.”

“Put that away,” I said.

“Not until you answer my question.” Mittelt stood. “Or I could just ask her. I’m sure the littlest faithful would do anything to stay by your side forever.”

She made it a step towards the door before I grabbed her wrist. “Put that away.” I squeezed. Now, I didn’t even need a trickle of power to feel her bones shift. “I will not ask again.”

“You’re so upset.” Mittelt folded the pawn away with her other hand. “Tell me why.”

“Because you’re threatening my friend.”

“With eternal life.” Mittelt waved. “But your friend? Why is Asia your friend? Because she’s a lost lamb, and you’re filled with the inexplicable urge to protect her against any that might do her ill?” Mittelt crossed her arms. “There are lots of people who need help. I don’t feel the need to swoop to their rescue.”

I worked my jaw for a second, trying to parse out how much of that was Mittelt projecting. “I didn’t think a hug would upset you so much.”

Naturally, Mittelt ignored my attempt to divert the conversation.

“If you don’t want to play with me, then at least let me play with you.” Mittelt poked me in the stomach. “I’ll even turn when you change, but show me that tube top. Or let me do something with your hair—”

I caught her wrist again, fingers an inch away from my head.

“Ah, so you care about your hair, too.” Mittelt smiled, made no move to pull away. “Tell me why.”

“It reminds me of my mother,” I bit out. If playing along meant the end of this game, I could tell her that much. “It’s my last connection to her.”

“So it’s about connection?” Mittelt tilted her head. “The bonds between you and the people around you?”

I opened my mouth, but her words hit me hard enough to stop me dead.

“…More or less,” I managed.

My entire life, I’d been defined by my connections, hadn’t I? I’d tried to pull more and more people in with me, to build something that could fix my city, my world, every world.

“Then,” Mittelt asked. “How will you ever be free?”

I shook my head. “That’s different. The connection, being Rias’s pawn. I didn’t choose that bond.”

A smile inched across her face. “So, you can break it?”

“I will break it.”

“Prove it.”

“What?” I shook my head. “What are you even talking about.”

“Prove that you can break that bond, any bond.” Her smile grew wider still. “Prove that you can take a piece of your identity and cut it off, and I’ll believe that you can walk away from Rias. I’ll stop asking these annoying questions, I won’t even put you in half the embarrassing outfits I had planned.”

“What does that have to do with the why?”

“You say that your ‘bond’ with Asia is why you’re doing this. You say your bond with Rias won’t stop you from doing that.” Mittelt waved her hand back and forth, without ever trying to pull from my grip. “I’ve been watching you, boss, and your connection with Rias is much stronger. So I doubt you.”

“And so proving that I can break my word, or whatever, will convince you to trust me?”

“I want to see you do it.” Mittelt’s smile had swallowed up the bottom half of her face, even as her eyes sparkled like hard and frozen sapphire. I remembered that she was not human, had never been human.

I met her gaze. “Tell me why,” I said.

“Because either you won’t be able to do it,” she said, “in which case, you’ll never be free, and I’ll never be free as long as I stick by your side… Or you are the type of person who can mutilate herself, who can cut off the parts of her identity that no longer serve to reach her goals. Then I’ll believe you.”

“And if I can do that,” I replied. “What makes you think I won’t cut you out?”

“Mmm, maybe I’ll just work very hard to make sure you won’t want to,” Mittelt giggled. “But that’s the other thing I want to see.”

I blinked rapidly, trying to see her point.

“How much it hurts,” she said.

“Ah.” I swallowed. “Because if I can cut off any bit of myself without pain…”

“Then I can’t trust you at all.”

I huffed. “You just want to see me torture myself.”

“I’m sure it will be delectable,” Mittelt replied.

I looked at the angel in my grasp. On one hand, I didn’t need to do this. I could protect Asia on my own. But Mittelt had already proved her skills. She’d swiped a pawn from Rias’s set of Evil Pieces, even.

Mittelt had skills that were different than mine; she had knowledge that filled in my gaps.

The only question remained was if I was willing to hurt myself to get her on my side. And to that, I could only answer her smile with a hollow, empty one of my own.

“You don’t know me very well,” I said.

Mittelt tittered. Her smile stretched another molar. “I would like to.”

I let go, but kept my hand extended. “Make a lightning spear.”

Mittelt took one step back and formed a weapon of pure light.

I hadn’t much looked at them before. A staff, like a lightsaber with no hilt, pointed on the ends and longer than Mittelt was tall. It cast white-blue light across the changing room. A weapon made to kill devils.

It took it in my hand. It burned. Then, I pushed my own power into it willing it to be mine. The actinic blue light crackled, turning pale red as I pulled the spear from Mittelt’s grip.

With my other hand I gathered up my hair.

“I spent…a long time, not doing anything to my hair,” I said. “Because it was the last connection with that girl. The one who died. The things she cared about, the people she left behind.”

Mittelt leaned forward, watching with baited breath.

“I can feel myself becoming new. It frightens me,” I said. “But that’s fine. I can choose who I become, which promises to keep and which bonds to cut loose.”

I swung the spear through my hair, cleaving it off at the back of my head.

The strands slipped from my fingers, tickling, feather light, at my cheeks. A shiver ran down my neck, and I gasped. Long tresses spilled to the floor like midnight silk, and faded away.

The spear vanished.

I leaned forward, breathing heavily, eyes squeezed shut. Normally, I compartmentalized and shoved pain deep inside. But Mittelt wanted to see, so I showed her. I let myself be seen, the person I wanted to be.

I stood and opened my eyes to meet Mittelt’s now-once-again-human-gaze. “Don’t you dare say that wasn’t enough.”

She blinked slowly, long blonde lashes brushing against her cheeks. “That was more than enough.”

“Oh?” I took a step forward. I roiled beneath the surface; it felt like I was pushing out against my skin. “No more snark? No more witty repartee?”

Mittelt reached out, wordless, and cupped my cheek. She gently turned my face towards the mirror, and I gasped again.

The feeling of pressure was more than just my emotions. I could see wisps of raw energy rising from my neck and shoulders like steam. Already, my hair had started to grow back. As I watched, the inky black tips lengthened to reach my shoulders once more, before growing still. If anything, it was even darker than before.

And when I moved my head, glimmers of light could be seen in the darkness, stars and constellations. For a moment I thought it was a trick of the light. But then the idea settled with me. I held onto it, like the spear, and made it my own.

“Stars?” Mittelt asked.

The web of constellations in my hair solidified. “You said devils lacked imagination.”

“Clearly, you are cut from a different cloth.”

“Disguising it in public will be hard.”

“That’s what your devil glamours is for,” Mittelt said.

I turned back to her. The lightness of my head still caught me, but I pushed through. “Satisfied?”

“You have convinced me.” She sank into a curtsey. “I am with you, to the hilt of the blade and beyond.”

A smile of my own pulled at my cheek. “Because you know I can cut you out of my life as well, if I decide to?”

“Because I see how much they mean to you.” Her eyes tracked to the floor, where the last of my hair evaporated into motes of red tinged light. “And what you will do to satisfy them.”

Satisfy me, she didn’t add. She didn’t need to.

“Good.” I huffed. “If all of that was for nothing, I’d be upset.”

She giggled, flopping back onto the bench set into the wall. “Can you imagine if Diodora truly just wants to see the rating school?”

“I’d end my life,” I replied. “But knowing my luck, he’s actually working with Kokabiel.”

“Most unlikely,” Mittelt replied. “But if for some reason he is, then I’ll prove the most useful of your connections.”

~~*

“Got us in right fucking quick,” Freed grunted. “Like a lubed-up cunt.”

Across from him, Diodora Astorath laughed. “You’re a filthy little creature, aren’t you?”

“Filthy enough to fuck you in the ass, pretty boy,” Freed replied. He leaned back on the couch. “What’s it take to get a drink in this bitch? Oi!” He snapped his fingers at one of those defiled nuns. “Girl, go grab me a pepsi-cola!”

The nun froze, eyes flicking back and forth to Freed and her master.

Diodora leaned forward, placing a hand on the coffee table between them. “You don’t command my servants, priest.”

“Sure, sure.” Freed flapped a hand in the air. “Just let me know when we get to the fucking, or the fighting.”

Diodora laughed again. “Oh, don’t worry. I wouldn’t let you miss it for the world.”

“S’that what he offered you?” Freed asked. “The world?”

Diodora’s forehead crinkled in mock confusion. “I’m afraid I don’t take your meaning.”

“Nah, it’s just.” Freed kicked his feet up on the table, brining a heel down a centimeter from Diodora’s fingers. “Wonder why a swanky ass devil like you would be sucking Kokabiel’s cock. It’s got me all fucked in the head.”

Diodora laughed. “Don’t worry about your master, little priest. Kokabiel and I have come to an agreement, and as long as things go to plan, we will both get everything we want.”

“Sure, sure…” Freed said again.

But still, it was obvious that this filthy fucking devil didn’t understand the Fallen at all. Freed didn’t follow Kokabiel’s orders out of loyalty. Kokabiel just knew what Freed Sellzen wanted, like another chance to carve up that shitty tall devil bitch, and he was more than happy to offer it.

Right now, one of the things that Freed wanted most of all, more even than another swing at leggy, was to fuck this shitty devil over and watch him die screaming. That would probably cause a conflict with Freed’s other ‘orders’ at some point, but that was fine.

Freed Sellzen always got what he wanted.