Photos from shoot w/ taran pt.1

I have been thinking of other posts, and I think since some other folk with Patreons are posting photograph archives, I might as well do the same, even though I am perpetually confused why anybody would like to look at me (my self esteem really never recovered from growing up as a closeted nerd). These were done with my long-time friend and collaborator Taran, who is a remarkably talented photographer and, notedly, ambient musician as Kashya.

(I really hope I find the stems for Object Permanence one day...)

We shot these around Melbourne University and other locations in the CBD, such as the Yakimono resteraunt. I was still recovering from a cold - my 3rd virus in a row - so I look a little gaunt (and given my chronic illness, it makes sense). Despite me looking like I am dying and a little clocky, they came out well.

Yes, I am no longer playing the Chelsea Wolfe tour, nor any shows afterward for the foreseeable future. I was recently (finally!) diagnosed with POTS (to the surprise of nobody, given) and hEDS - both of which are commonly co-morbid, and explain virtually all of my health issues I have had recently, and indeed all my life to a less-bad degree. I'll talk about it in more detail some other time. But basically, trying to play a gig with them is ...not fun. Fatigue, dizziness, anxiety, brain fog, memory loss, slurred speech, fainting spells, joint weirdness... there's a good chance I'd have to pull out of the tour halfway through - and I nearly didn't make it to Roadburn. Worse, screaming seems to be a trigger for dizzy spells when standing up. I semi-blacked out during the Liturgy tour, specifically due to heat.

Many people have fun on stage, but for me, it really isn't where I belong. Not with my conditions anyway - especially when combined with autism, which is very common among those with EDS (also, folk with EDS are considerably more likely to be LGBT - which is interesting also). My love has always been for home recording, often in the comfort of my bed - which is where I am writing from now (after waking up too early from POTS-related night sweats). I never dreamt of being a rock star, anyway.

I don't really want to talk more about it right now - minus maybe indirectly in my music - as worsening (although it has improved slightly recently) chronic illness/disability has been my life for the past few years, and it gets... boring. However, it's also a relief to know what is going on. It's also a relief to focus on rest, rather than burning myself out and risking permanent injury trying to prove myself to the world. I've even started using a cane, something I'd never thought I'd need in my 30s. Already I feel lighter. I should be depressed, but instead I am at peace.