Canon-Side Story: Business Naruto Meets the Union of Cleaners

Another week above $70, another Side Story.
I say "Canon" here but I'm iffy. It's more like "this could have happened, and maybe did" but it's a little too um... self indulgent? Is that the right word?
You'll see.

$10 patrons voted unanimously on this one, so here we are. If you'd like to have a say in the next one, join me in the higher tieerrrssss!

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“Why are you brushing my hair?” Don’t get him wrong, Naruto can’t help but flush with joy at the feeling of a mother figure going over him like this. She’s doing what he thinks is called coddling, and it’s very nice. It makes him feel tingly everywhere, and he could get very used to this.

But it’s odd right now. “You can’t go into that meeting looking bad, you’re representing your entire brand. How can you sell cleanliness if you don’t look clean?”

She makes a point, but it’s so awkward! He likes his spiky mane and she’s making it seem like they won’t. A mirror is placed in front of him, and he mourns his normal look. It’s so formal and boring, in a suit and tie and stuffy slicked back hair. “At least you’re not making me color my hair black.”

“I’m surprised you’ve even heard of that,” his new mom snickers, “that’s such an old tradition. We stopped doing that after the fourth made a name for himself. I barely even saw that.”

“Civilians still get stuffy and weird.” Naruto defends himself.

“Right, well, you’re looking good, just remember to be polite, you’re here to avoid a fight, not start one. They have a valid complaint and you need to listen to them.”

“I get it.” He nods, he agrees, there is a serious problem and he’d like to approach it with tact.

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Mebuki is absolutely nuts is the first thing Naruto thinks when he sits down at the table. Their meeting is at a high-end steak place, which makes him a little nervous even if he’s sure he has the money with how things have been going lately. It’s awkward, having so much cash and nothing to spend it on. It feels wrong to spend it on himself, and Mebuki doesn’t need money. Or at least she says she doesn’t need money. He can’t spend it on Sakura, she’d get mad at him. Haku’s making a ton of money himself, and Sasuke’s rich.

He’s currently trying to figure out how to take Ino out without it being weird, since she’s currently a friend, technically, and he’d like to get to know her better.

The steak house is very fancy, the air smells nice and the people look very polite. The issue is the four men and one woman he sits with. One’s missing an eye, it’s been replaced with a glass ball. He’s a little overweight, and is dressed in shorts and a floral shirt.

And it only gets weirder from there. This is not a group he should be worried about his appearance with. The only one here besides him who’s dressed nicely is the woman, and she looks only a little older than him and awkwardly out of her depth. Shy and demure, that’s probably not good when your competitors are sweaty old men. Maybe he can add some diversity to this, even if he is a white male… nevermind.

“I am Uzumaki Naruto the second, but you may call me Business Naruto.” He offers his hand across the table, and is somewhat relieved when no one takes it.

“Why the odd moniker? Last I checked, Uzumaki Naruto was still alive, and you don’t look like you could be his kid…” The older man in the floral shirt says, his glass eye rolling as he speaks.

“Correct, I am a clone,” Business Naruto introduces himself, “the original is busy with being a patriotic Ninja and making Konoha cleaner from the outside, I have been created with the designated patriotic purpose of making our great nation cleaner from the inside.”

“Ah… Can you actually clean? I thought clones were illusions or sommat.” One of the other men asks.

“I can do anything except engage in violence. I imagine that will not be a problem, will it?” Naruto stares the men down, and finds they back up a little in their seats. Oddly enough, the girl leans in, curiously eying him from head to toe. Well, as much as one can see in a seat across a table. “My workers consist entirely of other clones, allowing us to clean high priority or dangerous places without safety concerns. We work mainly with ninja homes at the moment, though that’s bringing about a few problems of its own. In fact, our entire business model is, that’s why we’re here.”

“Yes, the workers rights movement,” The eyeless man agrees, “we called this meeting because you’re not paying your workers, allowing you to undercut our prices dramatically. We can’t charge what you charge, because we need to pay people, and you don’t.”

“It’s a serious problem,” The girl speaks up, slapping her hand against the table and revealing that maybe she’s not as demure as he thinks, “my girls are already in poverty, I can’t pay them less, but I’d have to pay them half as much to lower my price to what you’re charging.”

“That sounds like you were already underpaying them…” Naruto points out.

“Not the point,” She crosses her arms, glaring at him hard, “you need to raise your price or we’ll have serious problems.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Business Naruto nods, reminding himself of just how much money he’s made recently, raising his price would only make that issue worse but their workers do need to eat, “how about we work out an agreement to pay workers fairly, and we figure out exactly how much we should be charging to continue normal profits. I will conform to the agreed upon number if you all do.”

“You want us to share our ledgers with you?” One of the men raises his brow, he’s skin and bones, and missing half his teeth, “no, I think I’m good.”

“Then I don’t really think you underpaying your workers is my problem,” Naruto shrugs, “I’m already charging twice what I think is fair. Maybe I should lower it and spread out to normal cleaning services?”

“We’ll lodge a formal complaint.” The girl growls.

“Will you have the money to take action against me if I take over the entire industry overnight?” Naruto asks, standing up and glaring them all down. “I could do anything. Creating more clones isn't the kind of effort you think it is. I have infinite chakra, and you all know why.”

They all look away, and he damn well knows why, “Cleaning isn’t effort. What do you think happens if I decide every Friday, a hundred-thousand clones work without charge? The fourth Hokage couldn’t outlast my prisoner’s chakra when it was a savage beast working without a brain, do you think you stand a chance with me in charge?”

He channels a little Sakura here, or maybe it’s Sasuke, Mebuki? It’s someone, whatever the case, he watches them all shiver, most importantly he watches them take him seriously.

“Ahh, um, you said you wanted to work out fair compensation for all our workers?” One of the men asks.

“I’d like it to be equalized,” Naruto begins, “that way who each employee works for is based on their specialty and the work environment they would like. If we all paid our workers the same and charged similar amounts, it would create a results driven competition instead of economy driven competition. We could also work out fair pricing for different types of cleaning and properties, and keep our own specialties without having to worry about undercutting each-other.”

“And, if we don’t comply with that, you’ll destroy us?” The girl gulps.

“No, I only agreed to this meeting to avoid conflict,” he begins, “but if you’ll take action against me, I’ll take action in kind. The only reason not to show me how much you’re charging and how much you’re paying your employees, is if you’re afraid of what I’ll have to say about it. So are we cooperating or are we fighting?”

He sees exactly one grimace, “Friendly reminder, I am an infinite horde without relent or pause, only existing to clean. Payment is in the way of my whimsy, not the cause of it. I’m only charging out of consideration for you, don’t tempt me with a good time.”

Naruto would receive dozens of doctored documents, and almost the entire cleaning industry of Konoha would receive a sixty percent raise, the only catch being they had to lie and say they’d always been making that much.

Naruto would take charge of all ninja cleaning services, in agreement that at least for the next year, he would not spread his horde of bubbles outside his niche, and that they would be allowed to take a ninja job should someone specifically seek them out with complaints about him. They would have to forward the complaints to him so he could attempt to fix the issue, but he would accept it if someone truly wanted another company.