chambersjr

I’ve outgrown my friend, what do I do?

Added 2024-02-19 14:35:05 +0000 UTC

This is something that catches people by surprise.

When it happens, most people are not prepared for it.

When you are serious about your life, you will outgrown old behaviours, habits and people VERY FAST

What you must understand is that, outgrowing someone is normal. Do not feel bad, guilt or shame for outgrowing someone

It is easy to fall into the trap of 'success guilt' when we are the only one in our circle who is experiencing great changes within our lives which can make us feel guilty for the success we have. However as you level up, you will start to realise that most people do not want success like they SAY they do, which is why you should not feel any guilt or shame for your blessings.

Throughout our lives, we will come across people and eventually outgrow the OR, they may be the ones who end up outgrowing us.

You're going to grow

You’re going to develop

You're going to mature

You're personality is going to change.

The things you want out of life will change

You're going to have new experiences

You're going to have new perspectives on life.

One of the reasons I don't have much friends of my age is because most guys in their 20s are really immature. I have the mentality of a 40 year old, so it makes it hard to be able to relate to what most guys are doing and find cool. I have been this way since I was 15/16 years old. It's something I've accepted and have come to peace with a long time ago and if you are similar situation, you must do the same.

The people you met at one point of your life, might not be in line with the new version of you.

Maybe at one point, you really valued things like:

Travelling
Being single with no responsibilities
You didn’t care about money, savings, investments or stability

But now, you care about those things.

You no longer want to be out multiple nights per week, barely getting any sleep, and JUST ABOUT getting by financially / not having anything of significance to your name.

Not saying one is right or wrong, I am just showing how people of different values won't really be aligned.

How Do We Meet People?

Usually the way we make new friends is based of the environments we are in.

It could be a job, school or our neighbourhood.

We are almost forced to be friends and social with the people of those places because we see them every single day.

So if you’re forced to be around people everyday then it’s definitely going to feel like a friendship.

When you take a step back, you come to realise that many of these friendships only exist due to our environment and once that environment changes you see how you don’t really have much in common with those people.

When you have New goals

When you have new aspirations

When you have new desires

This will require you to completely change how you live your life.

It gets to a point where you outgrow some people you have known for a really long time and your growth will ruffle a few feathers.

You can go from someone who has a BIG social life to spending your weekends alone 🙃

And if you are someone who has never experienced isolation or you’re not able to be alone, this can be a total MIND-F**K!

Also what makes everything feel more lonely is that those people you’d associate with just don't understand or see the bigger picture.

THEY JUST DON'T GET IT!!

You become the outcast in the group, they won’t understand your level of discipline and why you do the things you do.

Especially if they are the type of people who will sometimes talk about big goals and plans but then they never do anything about it.

It gets to a point where you become tired of dreaming and actually want something better in life.

They’ll talk about all this amazing big plans then fall right back into the habits that are not aligned with that they were wishing for.

What then happens is that you get to a crossroad where you either pick your friend or your goals.

You can’t have fun, all day and every day, spending your last bit of money on nights out and pointless holidays, yet expect to build something significant.

Unfortunately some people pick their friends over their goals because they are afraid of being alone.

And this is the exact stage you know you have outgrown someone.

When you reach a stage where you’re thinking about sacrificing your goals just to be able to satisfy your friends, girlfriend or boyfriend.

You should never ever sacrifice your dreams and goals for people.

The only thing that would come before your goals and dreams, are your kids. Apart from your kids, nothing should ever come before your goals.

Never hold yourself back just to keep people in your life. When this feeling comes, that’s when you know you’ve outgrown someone and it may be time to move forward.

You Can No Longer Relate

When you are on the journey of TRULY levelling up you become unrelatable. You may meet up with those people 1 year on.

They’re still doing the same things
Talking about the same things
Hanging out at the same spots.
Still complaining about the same things.
Still wishing and dreaming but taking no consistent action.

They’re still at the same place mentally, as when you decided to leave and focus on you for a little bit and this realisation is another BIG sign you have outgrown someone.

Don't feel forced to always be around these people because when you become the new version of yourself, even your energy will radiate differently.

And energy is real, people can notice a shift in your behaviour &your mannerisms and this could potentially ruffle some feathers when you are around each other.

Thats why you shouldn’t feel compelled to always be around because you’re going to be hurting them with your presence because you’re treating them different without realising it.

It's about what's best for both of you.

They won't enjoy being around someone who's mentally checked out, and you don't want to waste your time or energy on something that feels pointless.

Don't force interactions and meetups if you really aint tryna be there.

But What If I Really Care About This Person? They Have Never Wronged Me

When it comes to outgrowing people you really - really care about it can be emotionally challenging.

If you outgrew your significant other (BF/GF)
If you outgrew your childhood best friends
If you outgrew a business partner
If you outgrew a family member.

This can be TOUGH Because there was no bad blood or snakey shit to begin with and they are people who have most likely never wronged you and genuinely cared for you.

In life we go through phases where we will have a huge mental shift and outlooks on life, this can happen almost overnight.

Friends

You might have friends, A GF/BF

Who constantly talk about big goals , but when its time to take action, they go ghost….or they fall of within one week.

They moan and complain all the time….but they don't make any effort to overcome their challenges.

Business

You may have a business partner who is content at the numbers you are doing but you believe you can make much more money than what you are doing now.

And they’re just not willing to take the risks or the work required in order to hit those numbers.

Friends, GF/BF

You may have friends who all they want to do is party lifestyle, drugs and wasting money but maybe now you’ve reached a stage where you want to take life seriously.

You want to actually save your money and see some real money in your bank account.

Maybe now you're tired of sleeping around and want to find a long term partner

Maybe now you want to take your education seriously so you can get a respectable career.

Or maybe, your business is going to require all of your time and money.

It can be challenging to navigate such situations, especially if those people are not toxic and we are really close to them.

What To Do

1. Don't try to change them and make them a go getter.

People are really resistant to change. People like the idea of all these great things but they resist the consistent and restless and relentless work and effort required to get these things.

The results they want is in the work they are avoiding and YOU, can't force it out of them.

You can only lead by example, hopefully they get inspired and will then start doing the same, but it's not something can negotiate them into it.

Most people are resistant to change, it could even start some arguments, which can lead to resentment and then hatred.

2. Communicate

It's not a nice feeling to be ghosted or being pulled away from especially if its from someone you care about.

If you do want to distance yourself in a lighthearted way.

Communicate your new changes to them before or when you start these new changes in your life.

Let them know in a casual and calm way that just because you are no longer calling and texting all the time,

Just because you may seem a bit distant from now on,

let them know that it’s NOT ABOUT THEM and they have not done anything wrong.

Let them know that your silence and your distance does not mean you are mad or angry at them.

It just means that most of your time is going to be dedicated towards other important priorities that you are focused on right now in your life.

Maybe its with your studies
Maybe its with your business
Maybe its with saving more money
Maybe its getting your life together
Maybe its overcoming an addiction

Whatever It may be, just communicate this to them. Don’t randomly cut them off and go ghost.

This gives them reassurance and mental clarity that it’s not about them.

If they are insecure people, they WILL make it about them if you don’t communicate your distance.

When you communicate this, It gives them a way to learn to live without you.

This way you can slowly, gracefully and peacefully drift apart.

Don’t be a dick and tell them “I’ve outgrown you” 😂

Just be considerate and communicate your distance.

Nowadays there is the popular advice of saying:

"You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone"

However if these are good people who have never wronged you - I do believe you should give a little explanation on these changes so they can have the peace of mind that it’s not personal.

How To Meet Likeminded People

A struggle that many people face these days is meeting likeminded people.

The best way to meet likeminded people is by joining clubs and communities of things you are interested in.

Or join the clubs and communities that the people you want to be around, are at.

You need to find out where these people are at and go to those places on a consistent basis. You’ll naturally make friends with them when you are there.

For example. You can join an expensive running club, these are the type of people who are awake and running at 7am on a Saturday morning

Instead of getting home - from a hangover at 7am on a Saturday morning.

You can save up and pay to get inside a mastermind group. Some of these groups have a high 5 and 6 figure entry fee, so by default, everyone there must be doing something well.

High quality people usually gatekeep themselves from most people. That's why it's hard to have access to them.

If you are tight on budget, you can go to networking events of things of your interests. There are other people who may be like you that you can connect with.

Another is by involved in online communities. Find the creators online you really resonate with and see if they have any (paid) online groups one can join because there is a high chance that the people in those groups will be similar to you.

The only con to this is the people in those groups, may not be from your town, city or country.