Toxic Positivity is Shame Wearing a Pretty Dress

Chronic illness is a kind of grief, and toxic positivity is the thing that stops up the tears. Healthy people don’t acknowledge their loss, you know, so don’t feel. Don’t talk. Don’t act. Just pretend you live in a healthy body. Science will heal you through the lies of your fake happiness.

Toxic positivity doesn’t care if you need to get this grief out. Grief is bad. Anger is bad. Any feeling that isn’t jubilance is making you ill. *You* did this, so toxic positivity would like to add some shame to your pile of self-hatred. It’s *your* fault. Yours, so rather be the reason someone smiles today.

Toxic positivity would like you to acknowledge that your disease is not real. You did this to yourself, so stop whining. Didn’t it just remind you not to talk? Anyone with a chronic illness is a terrible person. What must it take to have sufficient character flaws to get cancer… or diabetes… or MS? What kind of insanity do you need to give yourself arthritis? You’re obviously unhinged.

Toxic positivity thinks it’s time to remind you that you’re pathetic. And a drama queen. And too fucking vocal. Only bad people get ill. Become better by pretending cancer is a romp through the daisies. This will definitely work. Just ask every patient what silence does for their disease. Tension and unexpressed emotions are the fastest way to turn a controlled case into an unremitting one.

Toxic positivity doesn’t care, though, as long as you keep pretending to be someone you are not.

Chronic illness requires you to grieve the loss of your health and all the other absences that came afterwards. Toxic positivity isn’t comfortable with you sharing that grief. It honestly has no idea what unexpressed emotions will do to your body. It isn’t the cause of your disease, but it sure as hell is the cause of your relapses.

Toxic positivity would like you to stop honouring your feelings because self-care is bunk. Processing your experience makes you a negative Nancy. Besides, chronic illness is Easy with a capital E. It doesn’t produce feelings like grief, terror, and anger. If you feel any of those emotions, you’re just making yourself sick. Every time you “manifest” a bad health day, you’re revealing your character flaws.

Toxic positivity thinks emotions are divided into a good pile and a bad pile. Anger and grief are bad, bad, bad. Happiness and optimism are good. It doesn’t understand that honouring your sense of loss is the fastest track to *real* happiness, so remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you by this inspirational Ted Talk about how to remember who you are when you’re constantly pretending to be someone you’re not.*

Toxic positivity is shame dressed up in a pretty dress. It hates you. It judges you. It thinks you’re weak, but it’s okay. Toxic positivity is good at the art of disguise. It can dismiss your feelings without seeming to dismiss your feelings. Feeling exhausted? Don’t talk. Listen to this list of inspirational quotations. Feeling drained? Don’t ask for support. Your exhaustion is invalid, so it’s best not to talk it through with someone who loves you.

Never mind that language is an effective way to promote healthy behaviours. Never mind that patient outcomes correlate with effective communication. Never mind that people who share your disease can benefit from your experiences. Be quiet. Be happy. Pretend everyone else is happy. Happiness is the only legitimate emotion, and since you can’t get support by pretending your emotions away, toxic positivity is the doorway to suicidality.

Stigma grows in silent places. As long as we don’t speak, others will never be able to hear us, and sometimes, that’s all you need to keep fighting: The stories of people exactly like you.

* Amy Ewing