If Sex Advice for Women Were Written Like Sex Advice for Men Part Two

Stroke his nipple, kiss his left ear, and trace the muscle on his inner thigh with your fingertip while circling the air with your right foot. Once you’ve moved below the waste, compliment him on his pretty hair and willowy waistline. Your approval will make him feel less self-conscious about his sexuality. Don’t go straight to the penis, though. Men really want to have their earlobes caressed first because it makes them feel pretty.

Male orgasm anxiety can be cured using my trademarked Alphabet Technique™. With your tongue, spell out the ABCs on the tip of his penis.

If you hum “Never Gonna Give You Up” while you geeee-eee-eeently tease his cock, your man might fake a multiple orgasm while peeing simultaneously, which is most satisfying for the female ego. Yes, the male orgasm was designed to make women feel better about their sexual prowess, so choose a man who’s willing to put on an enthusiastic act.

If you’re seriously horny, get his orgasm out of the way first so you can forget about his pleasure for the hours that follow. Men really don’t mind as long as nobody is looking at their bodies.

Now, some men say they’re into deep throating, heavy fucking, and other rough play. This is a lie. Ladies, who do you think knows more about the penis? You or your man? Of course women are experts on the male orgasm. We’ve been pleasing penises for centuries, so none of that throating crap. The Alphabet Technique™ is all you need. Just remember that 30% of men need warm feet in order to orgasm, so always put socks on your gent before you begin. Then tell him to feel his feelings. Men can’t focus on physical sensations unless directed to by their partners.

Always avoid deep thrusting. Men are fragile butterflies who love the romance of the sexual act. They’re deeply appreciative of the 15 minutes of attention we dedicate to their pleasure. In fact, if your lad doesn’t have an orgasm within 10 minutes, he won’t mind at all if you leave him hanging while he satisfies you. Blue balls are not a thing that exists.

Don’t be too selfish, though. Go ahead and make him a cup of tea when you’re done. He will appreciate it so much he might even iron your dresses for you.